Noah is babbling about how much fun he had at the park as we make our way back to the car. My stomach is in knots and as much as I want to hear about how much fun he had, I can’t stop thinking about my encounter with Valary. I walked away from her as soon as she realized Noah was Zack's son, without answering her. She didn’t call after me and I didn’t look back at her. I can feel Brooke stealing side glances at me as we nearly run to the car, but she has stopped asking me questions like Who was that woman? and Are you okay?.

“Alright, baby, get up in your seat and buckle yourself up, okay?” I instruct, unlocking the door to my car and opening it for him.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and tap on Contacts app before scrolling down to the Z’s. My thumb hesitates above Zack's name like it has a million times before. I don’t even know if this is still his number. I know Valary is going to tell him and I can’t blame her; I know it would be better if he heard it from me but like all those times before, I can’t seem to get my finger to touch his name.

“Mom! Can we go?” Noah asks me. I shove my phone back into my pocket.

I crawl into the back seat, my hands shake as they glide over the straps and buckles and I ignore Brooke who is staring at me with a concerned expression on her face. “How’s your hand feeling, bud?” I ask Noah. He shows me his palm which is slightly scratched with some dried blood on it.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore,” he tells me. “But I think some ice cream would make me feel better.”

“Oh, you do, huh?” I ask him, and he nods, grinning. Even his smile mimics Zack's. I grab a wet-wipe from the floorboard and wipe Noah’s hand clean. “Alright. We will stop and get some ice cream, but you have to eat dinner, too.”

Noah sighs. “Okay, fine!”

I can tell Brooke wants to question me about our time in the park, but she remains silent, checking her Facebook page and Twitter feed on her phone. I pull into a McDonald’s that’s a few blocks away from our house.

“Can you take him in?” I ask Brooke. “I just…I need to go to the bathroom.”

Brooke nods. “Of course.”

I nod and get out of the car and head inside. The bathroom is empty when I walk in, but I head into a stall anyway, running my hand through my hair. My heart is pounding, and my chest feels like there’s a herd of elephants sitting on it. I pull at my tank top, feeling clammy and odd. The room begins to tilt, and I sit down on the toilet and put my head in my hands, trying to get the dizziness to go away.

Deep down, I knew this would eventually happen; I knew Zack would find out about Noah. It’s not that I didn’t want Zack to know about Noah, it’s that I regret not telling him in the first place and now…if he finds out – when he finds out – he will never forgive me. I wonder if he will try to take him from me. I wonder how long it will take Noah to start calling Gena ‘momma’.

My stomach lurches and I quickly move so this morning’s coffee and bagel spills into the toilet instead of on the floor. I want to cry but I don’t want Noah to ask about my red, puffy eyes. Instead, I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and stand up; the toilet notices my movements and flushes automatically. I unlock the stall door and head for the sink, washing my hands and then using my hands as a cup so I can rinse my mouth out.

The sink is cold against the palms of my hands and I close my eyes, attempting to push the heaviness off my chest so I can breathe. I don’t know how much time goes by before someone walks into the bathroom, interrupting the quiet. A woman about my age gives me an odd look before turning into one of the stalls, locking it behind her. I can see her staring at me through the crack between the door and stall wall. I can’t blame her, I’m sure I look odd covered in sweat, resting in the bathroom of a McDonalds.

I walk out of the bathroom and begin to search for my best friend and son. The smell of greasy burgers and fried pies make my stomach growl, but I don’t dare eat for fear of getting sick again. After a few seconds, I find Noah and Brooke sitting in a booth. Noah watches Brooke as she dips a french fry into what looks like a vanilla shake. He looks absolutely disgusted and rears his head back when she tries to feed it to him.

“Momma!” Noah exclaims when I sit down in front of him. “Aunt B is gross! Did you see what she did!”

Brooke grins, popping the fry into her mouth. “Oh, come on, little man! Just try it! Noah shakes his head, chomping on a chicken nugget. Brooke sighs dramatically. “And here I thought you were my nephew that loved adventure!”

“I do!”

Brooke raises her brow, picks up another fry and dips it into her milkshake before offering it to Noah. Noah stares at her for a long time, then at the fry, then back at his aunt. He huffs before reluctantly opening his mouth and closes his eyes tightly. Brooke pops the fry into his mouth and Noah slowly begins to chew. Suddenly, his eyes fly open.

“That’s so good!” he exclaims. “Mom! You have to try it! It’s like eating dinner and dessert at the same time!”

I laugh at my son’s excitement and shake my head. “You’re crazy, kid.”

Noah shrugs before dipping a fry into the milkshake. “I bet dad will try it. Is he coming home soon?”

I nibble at my lip. “Yeah, baby. He should be home tomorrow.”

“Good. I miss him.”

“You and me both, kid,” I tell him.

Brooke glances over at me and then back at Noah. “Hey, why don’t you take this and take your food over to that table over there, so I can talk to your mom about some adult stuff, okay?” She hands him her milkshake.

Noah, with a mouth full of food, nods and gathers up the rest of his chicken nuggets and fries before grabbing the milkshake and walking away. Brooke waits until he’s out of hearing range before turning back to me.

“Are you going to tell me who that was in the park?”

I sigh, studying my fingers before glancing over at Noah and then finally, looking at my best friend. “She’s a friend of Zack's,” I tell her.

“I figured,” Brooke tells me. “Do you think she’s going to tell him?”

I nod. “She either called him as soon as I left or she’s on her way back to Huntington Beach to tell him face to face. She’s too loyal to him to keep my secret and I can’t blame her.”

“So, what’s so bad about him finding out?” Brooke asks me.

I sigh, shaking my head. “I’m scared he’s going to take him away.”

“Would he do that, though?”

“I don’t know,” I tell her with a shrug. “Zack can be so vindictive.”

Brooke chews on her lip. “He can’t be that bad,” she replies. “I mean, you did fall in love with him at one point.”

I nod. “You’re right…but I kept his kid from him for almost five years. He has every right to be angry with me and…I don’t know what he’ll do.”



I pour a glass of wine and stare down at my phone. I have Zack's last known contact information pulled up on the screen, but I still can’t seem to tap the call or text button. It’s approaching three o’clock in the morning now, and if I'm being honest, I thought I would hear from Zack by now. Maybe Valary didn’t tell him; maybe she didn’t notice how much Noah looked like Zack. Maybe she did but didn’t know how to break the news to her best friend.

I take a sip of my wine and leave the kitchen. The hallway is dark except for the faint glow of Noah’s nightlight coming from the crack of his bedroom door. I push on his bedroom door quietly, so I don’t wake him. The silhouette of Mickey Mouse’s head dances around on the walls and ceiling of Noah’s room in different colours as the night light spins on his bedside table. Noah sleeps peacefully under his Mickey Mouse blankets in his Mickey Mouse bed. This kid has loved Mickey Mouse since he was a baby, so when he asked for a “big boy” room, Tobias and myself went all out.

After checking on Noah, I closed the door and headed into the living room. I’m halfway there when I hear my phone ringing in the kitchen, so I head that way instead. Tobias’ face lights up the screen and I’m tempted to ignore it but I know I’m going to have to talk to him eventually, so I press the green Accept button.

“Hey, baby,” I say. “It’s late.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Sorry, I just got back from the bar with some of the guys. They wanted to celebrate before I leave tomorrow. I just wanted to hear your voice before I crashed.”

“Aw,” I say, feeling myself smile. “You’re sweet.”

“So what did you do today?” Tobias asks me.

I take a gulp of wine. “Just watched Netflix until Noah got out of school. Then we went to the park with Brooke. She’s got him eating french fries and milkshakes now.”

“What?” Tobias asks. “You mean, like, together?”

“Yeah,” I laugh slightly.

I imagine Tobias shaking his head. “Oh, man. What is that girl doing to our boy?” I frown, trying to find the words but none of them find my lips. The silence on my end raises red flags and the next time Tobias speaks, he sounds concerned. “Baby,” he coos. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I reply, quietly.

“Sheridan,” he says. “Come on, I know you better than that. Tell me what’s going on.”

I take a deep breath, it’s shakier than usual and I let it out sharply before bringing my glass of wine to my lips. “Today, at the park I ran into Valary,” I tell him.

“Okay, so what’s the problem? You two used to be such great friends.”

“She saw Noah,” I tell him. “I’m pretty sure she’s going to tell Zack…”

Tobias is quiet on the other side of the phone. We have only talked about Zack twice since I got pregnant and both times I thought it was the end of our relationship. The first time was a couple of weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I was packing my things to leave when Tobias came home and asked me what was wrong. After I reluctantly told him I cheated on him and was pregnant with the other man’s child, Tobias told me to stay. “How can I let you sleep on the streets knowing you’re pregnant?” he asked me.

The next day, he asked me if I was planning on going back to Zack and when I told him no, he asked me if I was planning on telling Zack about the baby. I wanted to, I knew the right thing was to tell him about the baby but…I couldn’t. Not after he left me, not after he confessed his love for me and then married Gena anyway. Tobias told me he wanted to marry me, he told me he wanted to be the father to my unborn child and I wanted him to be that, too. Sleeping with Zack was a mistake, but this baby didn’t have to be. Sleeping with Zack didn’t have to ruin my relationship with Tobias. After that conversation, Zack's name was only mentioned once more – the day after Noah was born.

“Well,” Tobias’s voice cuts through the silence like a knife. I jump, having forgotten I was still on the phone with my fiancé. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. I mean…Zack…he has the right to know about Noah.” He’s trying to be supportive, but I can tell he’s unhappy; worried.

“What if he takes him away?” I ask, my voice cracking. “What if he decides that since I kept Noah away from him, he’s going to keep Noah away from me?”

“Hey, that is not going to happen, okay? I will never let anyone take Noah away from us, okay?” Tobias tells me. “Noah is our son. You’re his mother and I’m his father – nothing is going to change that. You have nothing to worry about.”

I wipe my cheeks, unsure when tears began to fall. “How do you know that?”

“I just do,” he tells me. “Look, we’re going to talk about this more when I get home, okay? I’m going to call the airport and see if I can get an earlier flight home. Get some sleep.”

“Okay,” I murmur into the phone. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I love you so much, okay? You and Noah are my entire world.”

“I love you, too,” I tell him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, baby. See you tomorrow.”

I hang up the phone and finish my glass of wine before grabbing my phone and heading to my bedroom. The bed always seems so big when Tobias is out of town. Sometimes I sneak Noah out of his bed and bring him to bed with me to help fill the space. I thought about getting a dog or a cat, but it never happened. Maybe I will get one for Noah for his birthday coming up. I crawl in between the sheets and comforters; the weight of the blankets comforts me as I slowly begin to fall asleep.

I can’t have been asleep for longer than five minutes when I’m woken up. My heart is racing like I’ve been startled but the house is quiet, and it’s still dark out. I roll over and tap the home button on my phone. It’s nearly six-thirty, and the only notification is from nearly three hours ago. I blink a few times, so I can read the tiny letters that turn into words. The notification is from Tobias. Can’t get an earlier flight, it reads. Everything will be okay. I’ll see you in less than 12 hours.

I take a deep breath, laying back down and closing my eyes. Then I hear it again, the noise that woke me up. Someone is banging on my front door. I jump out of bed quickly and head out of the bedroom. First, I check on Noah who is still sleeping soundlessly in his bed, then I head to the front door.

I stand on my tiptoes, so I can look out of the peephole. It’s dark but I can faintly make out a familiar silhouette. My hand finds the knob, and, with shaking fingers, I unlock it and yank it over. “Zack,” I breathe nervously, surprised and slightly panicked. “What are you – what are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“Is it true?” he asks me.

“Zack – I…” I start, but before I can finish, Zack's eyes dart behind me and they grow wide.

“Momma,” I hear. It’s a sleeping voice that I’ve heard a million times before – usually asking for five more minutes before bedtime or a glass of water. I turn, finding Noah standing near the hallway in his pajamas. He rubs his eye with one hand while the other – the one he scratched on the playground – holds the hand of a Mickey Mouse plush toy. “Is daddy home yet?”

I glance behind me to Zack, but he’s not paying me any attention. His eyes are glued to the four-year-old, his mouth hanging open. “Um,” I turn back to Noah, racing across the living room and scooping him up in my arms. “No, baby. He’ll be home after you get out of school, okay?” I begin to walk down the hallway.

“Who was that man?” Noah asks me.

I take him into his bedroom, glancing behind me to see if Zack followed. If he did, he’s staying out of sight. I put Noah back in bed. “Go back to sleep, okay?”

“I’m not tired anymore,” he tells me, yawning.

I ignore his protests, tucking him in. “If you don’t sleep now, you’ll be tired when daddy gets home and you won’t be able to play with him.”

“Okay,” he yawns again, closing his eyes. “I’ll try.”

“Okay,” I kiss him on the forehead. “I love you.” But he’s already fast asleep.

I walk out of the bedroom and shut the door behind me, leaning against it for a few moments. I figured Zack would call me or text me or…something – I didn’t think he would just show up in the middle of the night. I pull myself together before heading back into the living room. My front door is shut and for a minute, I feel relieved, thinking Zack left but then I see him on the couch. He has his face in his hands and he bounces both legs up and down.

“Zack, I can explain,” I tell him quietly.

Zack speaks into his hands. It’s muffled but I can make out the four words. “What the fuck, Sheridan?”

“I’m sorry. I – I wanted to tell you but…”

“But what?” he asks loudly, standing up. I ‘shh’ him out of instinct. Zack stares at me for a moment, fire burning against the green in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You had just gotten married,” I tell him. “Zack, I found out I was pregnant exactly one month after your wedding. How was I supposed to tell you? How was I supposed to tell Gena that I was having a baby with her husband?”

Zack shakes his head. “You were…you said you were on birth control. Why would you lie to me? You fucking wanted this – you wanted to ruin my marriage. You were pissed that I chose Gena over you and –”

“I was on birth control, asshole! I was also taking antibiotics which can make birth control not work. I didn’t do this on purpose! I can’t believe you would think that. If I wanted to get pregnant and ruin your relationship, don’t you think I would have told you?” I ask him angrily.

Zack shakes his head. “You’re right. I’m sorry. You still should have told me.”

“I – I know. You’re right. I should have told you but…like I said, I didn’t want to ruin your relationship with Gena.”

“I don’t give a fuck about Gena!” Zack tells me, raising his voice again. “Gena and I were separated before Christmas, Sheridan! He must’ve been born in – in, what, late March or early April? You were still pregnant when we signed the divorce papers!”

I shake my head. Divorce papers? “I…I’m sorry, Zack. I didn’t know. I thought you guys were still married.”

“Yeah, well that’s because you have a habit of keeping secrets and falling off the face of the earth!”

“I wanted to tell you! I must have stared at your name in my contacts every day for the first year. But with each passing day, I just…I didn’t know how. It got harder and harder before eventually it just was impossible.”

“That’s my…he’s my…” Zack can’t seem to get the word out.

“Son,” I finish for him. “I know I’m in the wrong here. I know I fucked up and…you have every right to be in his life, Zack. But his home is here, his school is here…you can’t…you can’t take him. Please.”

“Take him?” Zack asks me. “Sheridan, what are you talking about? You think I want…you think I would take him away from you? Keep you away from him? Who the fuck do you think I am? What kind of man do you think I am? Why the hell would I do that to you?”

I shake my head. Now that it’s out and the words linger between me and Zack, I realize how stupid it is to be afraid of him. “I’m sorry. I just thought you would be so mad that you’d make me want to hurt. You’d want…I thought you would take me to court for full custody or…”

Zack cuts me off. “Are you serious? You really thought I would do that to you?” I don’t answer him. “Jesus Christ.”

“Zack –”

“Don’t get me wrong – I’m pissed off that you did this. I’m hurt and…furious that you’ve not only kept my…son away from me for five years but you’re allowing another fucking man to be the father to him.” Zack is pacing again.

“I’m sorry.” I hear my phone going off in the next room and realize it’s my alarm. I excuse myself quietly and head into my bedroom, turning the alarm off before heading back into the living room. “That was my alarm,” I tell him. “I, uh…I have to get breakfast started and…wake him up and get him to school.” Zack doesn’t reply, and he doesn’t move. I chew on my lip for a moment, wondering if I should ask him I leave or invite him to stay. “Zack.”

“I should get going,” he tells me.

I’m slightly taken back but even more so relieved. I expected Zack to want to stay, to meet Noah but I’m glad he’s not ready for that step yet. I need to talk to Tobias about it, I need to think about what I’m going to tell Noah about the man he’s going to be spending more time with. How do you explain all of this to a four-year-old?

Zack stands up and I follow him to the door. “Zack, how did you find my address?”

Zack shrugs. “I have some contacts in Los Angeles and Val still knows a lot of people. Valary told me you were engaged to Tobias so, we just had to find someone that knew him. It wasn’t that hard, we just needed his phone number and his address came right up.”

“Why did you just look up my phone number?” I asked him.

Zack shakes his head. “I deleted it after I left that night.”

“Oh,” I say, ignoring the pain in my chest.

“I want to be his dad, Sheridan. I just…I need time to process this. It’s a lot to take in.”

I nod. “Of course. Whenever you’re ready. Here, give me your phone. I’ll give you my number and…we can keep in touch. I can…I can send you photos or…something.”

Zack nods. “I’d like that.” He hands me his phone and I type in my number, saving it under my name. I give it back to Zack and he takes the next few steps to the door. “What’s his name?” Zack asks me. his hand is around the knob of the door, which is now ajar but he turns and faces me.

“Noah James Baker,” I tell him. “I named him after my father and, well, you.”

Zack arches one of his brows. “You gave him my middle and last name?” I nod. “And Tobias was okay with that?”

Tobias and I have only talked about Zack twice since I got pregnant and both times I thought it was the end of our relationship. The first time was when I told him that Zack was the father. The second time was the day after Noah was born, the day I filled out the birth certificate and put Zack down as the father and put Baker down as Noah’s last name.

“No,” I tell him. “He wasn’t.”

Notes

Thank you guys so much for reading! Thank you, Kimmie, countzackula6661 and Holly for commenting. More answers on what happened the night Noah was conceived are coming soon - including Zack's excuse for bailing in the middle of the night.

Title credit: Blink 182 "Obvious"