Restraint is Useless Here

The remainder of the night went off without a hitch, minus Maria shooting daggers at Anna for her prolonged absence. She felt lighter. She felt better. Jack had apologized and she was optimistic about his mental state. He seemed to resurrect his old self in that moment in the alley. The night was nearly over and she’d been kept busy by customers and nonstop drink orders, mostly from Jimmy and Johnny, who seemed to be in competition to see who would projectile vomit first.

The crowd had dwindled considerably as the ‪three o’clock‬ hour approached, but Anna’s new friends danced and drank on. Val flitted back and forth between the bar and the dance floor, stealing small moments with Anna between drink orders and stealing kisses from Matt as they danced freely, clearly overjoyed to be back in Southern California. When not signing autographs and posing for photos with approaching fans, Brian, Zack, and Johnny took turns performing karaoke, the latter of whom was so beyond inebriated that it was truly impressive when he articulated every word of ‪Eminem‬’s “My Name Is” without skipping a beat. Seeing this band, these friends, in this carefree environment evoked a melancholy in Anna. Her happiness for Valary far outweighed her envy, but it was difficult to forget that her whole life had become this bar and school. And Jack. She had no time for friends and, the more she thought about it, couldn’t name a friend with whom she’d spent any leisure time in the past six months. But Val had begged Anna to take an afternoon away from studying for finals to meet her for brunch, to which she gladly agreed. Now that Val was back in town for the foreseeable future and Anna had the summer off, she had no intent of letting her slip away again.

Jack and Jimmy had taken a shining to one another, which she found peculiar. The two couldn’t have been more different. Jimmy was color and vibrance and twitching; Jack was angles and order and calculating. They hadn’t left each others’ side for hours, disappearing randomly amidst fits of laughter, dancing with big-haired cougars until the breathless ladies could no longer keep up with their youthful stamina. She didn’t care, as long as Jack was smiling. Even Jimmy’s playful flirtations with Anna didn’t seem to bother him. Maybe he’s better now. Seeing the grin on his face as he sauntered up to the bar, his eyes tired but glistening, was worth everything. He is better now. Anna figured if she affirmed it enough, certainly it would come true.

Jack leaned across the bar top and kissed Anna’s cheek, cupping his hand around the back of her neck. She winced from the pressure on her bruises. “Tonight has been...God, I needed this,” he exhaled, outstretching his arms as if to embrace the evening in its entirety. “I feel incredible. This bar. This band. You. Why do I never do this?”

She smiled in return as she collected empty bottles and glasses, smelling the alcohol on his breath from God knew how many shots she and Maria had served the group. His good mood was reminiscent of the man who laughed with her until early hours of the morning, pointing out medical inaccuracies in all their favorite shows, but she chose to tread lightly. “You did need a night out. I’m happy for you! But don’t you have to be back at the hospital in like, 4 hours?”

Jack scoffed, eyes wilder than his hair. “Don’t be a buzzkill, babe. I don’t need sleep. I’ll rally. Better yet, I’ll take a mental health day. This is the first night in forever that I’ve felt alive. When will I get this chance again?” It was true; he looked alive, super-charged.

“Rise and shine, Annie! Sleep is for babies and kittens and coma patients,” Jimmy crowed—and then literally crowed—as he walked up next to Jack. “This dude. Just hook me up to a scotch IV and shoot it straight into my bloodstream. Give me all the drugs in this city and I’ll inject them all at once. I’ve got Dr. Jack, a human ‘get-out-of-death free’ card. I can’t be mad this guy, even if he’s got claim to the first woman I’ve ever loved.”

Jack reached up and ruffled Jimmy’s hair as Anna watched in disbelief. Jack had never ruffled anything in his life. She didn’t even think ‘ruffled’ was in his vocabulary.

Brian and Zack approached the bar with a couple women in tow, the prettier of the two leaning forward to showcase a gratuitous amount of breast upon the bar top.

“Hi, can we get two cosmos?” she rasped with one of those husky, girly voices. The kind that was more fried than her bleached ends. The kind that grated eardrums ‪at 8am‬ classes, raving about how she pulled an all-nighter, oh-my-gawding and chain smoking on a sorority house balcony. She gestured with her bobbly, blonde head to Brian and whispered conspiratorially, “He’s buying.”

Anna quirked an eyebrow at Brian and he shrugged lazily, the subtlest of eye rolls.

As she turned to prepare the most stereotypical white girl drink ever, Anna allowed herself a hidden smile at Brian’s blatant disinterest—though she wondered if disinterest had any bearing over sleeping with this girl anyway. She made a mental note to use bleach on the surface where Blondie’s stupid, humongous breasts had been.

“Listen, man, you teach me everything you know about the drums and I’ll let you see my girl naked,” Jack replied, dangling his phone in front of Jimmy.

Anna felt the heat inflame her cheeks before fully registering his words, humiliation and shock infiltrating her temporary happiness. “Jack,” she warned. What she endured in private was one thing, but he had never blatantly exploited her in front of another human being. Her stomach turned; she hadn’t even known this group of new friends for 3 hours and already looked foolish and weak.

“What?” he laughed haughtily. “You know I’m kidding, babe. Don’t be a buzzkill.” That word again.

“I’ll have to rain check that one,” Jimmy said, catching Anna’s eye and seeming to understand the line they were toeing. “This crazy-haired broad with red lipstick has been eye-fucking me all night and I’ve got literally no standards right now.“

Anna laughed as Jimmy eyed Brenda, who was indeed undressing him with her eyeliner-smudged eyes, looking for a second chance for bad decisions since Tony had gone home to his wife. “Oh God, Jimmy. No.” She owed him for redirecting the conversation.

“Too late!” With this, he sprang forward and honed in on likely not the worst decision he’d ever made.

Anna shook her head and, purposely not facing her boyfriend, picked up the wash rag, wiping the smudges and spilled alcohol off the bar top with more conviction than usual. Jack leaned in close again, sliding his fingers up her arm and gently tugging her toward him, his eyes glowing in the mood lighting with a feverish intensity. She felt his breath sway the tendrils of hair around her neck as he brought his lips to her ear.

“I’d like to see you naked,” he whispered. “Come home with me tonight.”

As taken aback as she was by Jack’s earlier distasteful comment, she ached from his proposition. With his instability came a lack of intimacy; she could not recall the last time he had touched her with the intent of making her shiver with desire instead of fear. So many nights spent with her own fingers, wishing for his. Wishing for somebody’s. Her resolve weakened.

“You want to see me naked,” Anna mimicked, unwilling to let his humorless joke go unaddressed. “Apparently, a privilege you’d share?”

“I’d kill anyone who tried,” he said, incongruous to his hooded eyes and seductive smirk.

Anna cursed herself in that moment. She was a sucker for Jack. And hadn’t she always been? He’d pushed his way into her life, commandeered her heart and her mind, and somehow became the sole determining factor in every decision she made. Even still. Even after all of this chaos. But he’s better now. As painful as the last few months had been, she cared so deeply for this man and wanted to see that smile grace his face everyday. She wanted to be the reason for his smile in a life full of exams and hospitals and sickness. And God, did she miss feeling his body on hers. She prayed this would be their pivot point. The new beginning needed to rid themselves of these awful memories. We are better now.

She took a deep breath, looking at him from beneath her lashes and nodding slowly. “Okay. I’ll come home with you.”

_________________________________


After Anna had wrapped her shift and said goodbye to Val and the guys, she climbed into her car and followed Jack back to his apartment. She smiled to herself on the drive, looking forward to regaining a sense of normalcy in their relationship. Med school would make anybody lose their mind a little and Jack had such lofty aspirations for himself. The insanity that had possessed him earlier that week was not indicative of his heart; the heart that wanted more than anything to help and cure.

When they arrived, Jack was out of his car and at her door faster than she could blink. She couldn’t help but feel flattered, her stomach unleashing a few butterflies at the idea of reigniting their intimacy. Her pent up frustration with his unstable mindset disintegrated as she stepped out of her car, gazing up at him demurely with a challenge in her eyes. His pupils swallowed his irises as returned her grin, nodding his head toward the apartment building and teasingly waggling his eyebrows at her. The peek at his silliness twisted her insides bittersweetly. He grabbed her hand and led her through his front door.

No sooner than the door was shut, his mouth was on hers, rough and commanding. His hands pushed her shirt up impatiently, rising to palm her breasts over her bra.

“Take this off. I want to see you,” he instructed, his voice gritty and dripping with lust. He backed Anna against the wall, guiding her shirt over her head, then fumbled to unclasp her bra. As it fell to the ground, his wet kisses journeyed to her cheek. To her jaw, then her ear, his stubble scraping its way across her skin. She tried to ignore the sour stench of alcohol filling her nose as he breathed heavily. She tilted her head back, granting him access to the sensitive skin of her neck in an attempt to evade the suffocating smell. She could feel him straining against his jeans as he inched closer, his large fingers groping her skin urgently. Jack’s hands trailed up her chest to her neck, grazing the area he’d injured so few days prior. Panic seized her and she sucked in a breath, the pressure from his fingers sending a jolt of pain through her body. A lump formed in her throat as she sprang into action. Her fingers instinctively grabbed his wrists and pushed them away.

Defuse. De-escalate.
He’s going to hurt me.

“What’s wrong?” Concern filled his eyes as they searched hers. He held out his hands to her, palms up. Whether to make evident that he wasn’t a threat or because he resented his hands being shovedfrom her body, she didn’t know. Her mouth was parched, her tongue sandpaper, and she couldn’t find the words to answer his question. He blinked, chest rising and falling with obvious impatience.

He is better now. She shook her head in reply and once again kissed him, guiding his hands to her hips to divert the attention away from her neck. His teeth knocked against hers as his tongue probed her mouth deeper and he breathed an apology. His hands slid back to cup her bottom, then moved his fingers to clutch the back of her thighs. As he picked her up, she wrapped her legs around his waist, never breaking their mess of tongues and lips as he strode toward the bedroom.

Muttering a curse as he tripped over any number of articles of clothing littering his floor, Jack half-dropped Anna onto the bed. As he climbed back to his feet, Anna spared a glance around the darkened bedroom. The air was musty, as if he’d not done laundry or opened a window in weeks. The red digits from his alarm clock read ‪4:47‬, an unsettling glow illuminating the various items lining his nightstand: dented energy drink cans, crumpled tissues, a couple credit cards. Against her palm, she felt the coarse stitching of his bare mattress, the fitted sheet covering only half his bed.

Clutter. Disorder. Who is this person?

His belt buckle jingled as he unfastened and let his pants fall to the floor. The mattress dipped as she felt him climbing up the foot of the bed. He kneeled over her and tugged her pants down, exposing her lacy underwear. Nausea roiled deep in her belly, the downward breeze from his ceiling fan chilling the beads of sweat that erupted on her forehead. She felt his fingers wrapping around her calves as he knelt in front of her supine body, gesturing them apart. Without realizing it, she had locked her knees together the moment he’d bared her legs. Realization struck her like a blow to the face, blood draining from her cheeks as she began to shiver.

I do not want this.

Her trembling did nothing to deter Jack, as he surely recalled how she would tremble just before climaxing. He smiled, seemingly encouraged by her quivering lip and erratic breathing. Her heart was a caged bird, his bedroom a prison. The tag from her underwear gently scraped the back of her right leg as he dragged them down, the last remaining barrier between them. Anna could not drive the impulse to flee from her mind. She could not barricade the panic, the knowledge that this man had unrestricted access to her body and her exposed skin. Her as-of-yet unharmed skin.

Nothing about this felt natural or effortless. She wanted more than anything to run, to disappear from California, from the planet. Her heart pounded at the thought of him lashing out, should she ask him to stop. She couldn’t gauge his mental state. The lump in her throat threatened to obstruct her airway completely as she attempted to regulate her breathing. For a split second, she wished it would. It would be a kindness. If he lost control again, no one would hear her. No one could save her.

As she felt him push inside, tears welled up in her eyes and she was grateful for the darkness. She shut them tightly and shut herself inside her mind where she could forget that the man inside her had marked her skin and damaged her love so irrevocably. Barely schooling her features, she willed herself to disappear. Time became nothing.

Large brown eyes.
The curve of a colorfully etched bicep.
A husky, tenor chuckle slipping out of lips quirked in a half-smile.

Jack’s hands became Brian’s, attentively exploring her skin, desperately needing to claim every inch of her.
Jack’s mouth became Brian’s, kissing softly over her bruises, healing them.
Jack’s flesh became Brian’s, the rigid heat of him driving into her, his only purpose being her pleasure.
She became Brian’s.
And for a moment in time, she was okay.

And when Jack was finished and snoring softly next to her, as the sun began to peek above the horizon filtering pink and orange hues through his blinds, dust motes whirling lazily in the ceiling fan’s breeze, Anna wept.

Notes