Take a Look At Yourself

My vision blurred again as I looked at the five men standing in front of me. These guys had sacrificed themselves for me, and I had no idea how I was going to thank them. I just kept staring at them and trying to figure out what this was all about.

“Look, Harrison, we’ve all come to know and love you. I don’t say that without pain,” Brian said and clasped a hand to my shoulder. “But, if we’re going to do this, we all need to know a lot about each other. The thing is that article a few weeks back revealed things we didn’t need revealed. You… you don’t tell us anything, and Matt cares too much to get you upset.”

Jimmy looked down at his hands. “I know I wasn’t in that article, but I do have some thoughts that I would like to share. You’re an amazing soccer player, Carmen. Matt cares about you, and that means we care about you.”

I nodded, still not feeling able to talk about what they had to go through for me. “I don’t think I can speak just yet.” My words were choked out. Ever since my father had called, I couldn’t do anything but cry. I was not a weak person and I rarely feared anything, but that city and that house terrified me in a way that other things didn’t.

“Well, why don’t I start?” Matt pulled me into his side and leaned back against the couch. “The reason I walked onto the team was that I did get a full-ride. My scholarship was based in academics which I know is a surprise to you four because you thought I never took school seriously. I was just the receiver with an infinity for computer games.

“The year after we did that bad thing, I was called in by Tennessee. They wanted to look for someone who was interested in computer games and video games. It was kind of a once in a lifetime opportunity. You see, this was the only scholarship they had to offer. The conditions being that I had to keep up a strong GPA and try-out for a team. They didn’t think I’d get on for football, but here we are.

“I don’t tell people because I’m a big guy that looks like a dumbass. If people knew I was smart, the entire charade would be up, and the scholarship along with it.”

I stared at Matt. I had no idea he was as smart as he was, and that was on me. I was stereotyping just as much as they were. That made me a big asshole.

The other guys nodded, clearly not as surprised as I was. Then again, they had grown up with him. They saw a side of him that I didn’t see. The only side I saw was the one that had to take care of me constantly.

“Well, I guess I go now.” Johnny smiled at us all. It was a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. I think his was painful to talk about just like mine was. “I have ever been good at two things in my life: football and music. I skated by in school because I was in the easiest classes I could take.

“College was never really something I foresaw in my future because I wasn’t inclined mentally. Sure, football and music take some intelligence, but school was how people got jobs. I barely passed high school if we’re being honest.

“The University of Tennessee was the only one to offer me a scholarship. It was, of course, conditional on the fact that I maintained a 2.5 GPA. I have been and then I got two C’s and it slipped further than it’s ever been.” He sighed. “I go to tutoring every day, and I still struggle. Without help, I am not going to graduate or even be invited to the combine.”

I put a hand to Johnny’s. While I never understood the impact of having difficulties learning, I certainly understood the pain of not being able to go anywhere in life without help. He smiled gently at me but kept his eyes downcast.

Zacky stared at the floor. “I’ll go. I think my story is even harder to tell. I know we all have our own stories and pains and agony. Coming out, whether that is as bi, pan, or gay is never easy. Coming out is always coming out. You never stop in your life. You come out to friends, family, teachers, employers, teammates. The list is endless. It’s not something that ends just because you’ve come out once. I’ve had to come out over and over. It’s getting tired.

“The reason no one hear knows is that Tennessee is very much still stuck in 1950. Imagine if people on the team knew their teammate was gay? It would go poorly. I would be outcasted, as I already have been. The guys don’t want to shower near me, like any of them are near my type. California was far more open.”

He gulped and looked each of them in the eyes. “You have known from the beginning that I am gay. You were there when I came out to my parents, held me as my mom tried to handle it and my father just hugged me calmly. You were there when I got dumped by a boy for the first time. Being gay is not my sole identity. It’s a fraction of who I am.”

I stood up and hugged him. He smiled at me and patted my back. Coming out was hard, and I couldn’t imagine having to do it every time you met someone new.

“I don’t have secrets like the others do. I just have a reason why I don’t play football.” Jimmy shrugged. “I’ve always been gangly and sporadic with my movements. I was the guy they never wanted to pass the ball too because I was going to drop it or shoot it wrong or whatever. The cheerleaders recruited me because I am far more sprightly than people think.”

I laughed. It was the first time I’d laughed in a long while. It felt good, and I was glad that it was these five men that got to hear it.

Matt’s dimples flashed as all our eyes fell to Brian. I knew he was nervous to speak, just as I was. But I still wasn’t ready even though these men had sacrificed for me. They had shared pieces of themselves that they really only showed each other, and I felt so special to be included.

Brian looked at me, nerves so apparent it was ridiculous. I never thought our tight end would be nervous. Much like Matt, he was always the guy ready to make the play. It was weird to see the panic so apparent in him.

“I started drinking at the age of thirteen.” His voice was resigned, like this was something he talked about frequently. For some reason, my brain jumped to him at AA meetings. “The reasons then were pretty stupid. I wanted to see what the hype was all about. We were starting middle school, and I wanted to be the party guy. Turns out, I was way too much of the party guy.

“I started drinking heavier as my parents’ marriage fell apart, as my girlfriends cheated on me, as one thing after another fell apart. And I had no idea how to handle any of these problems. My coping mechanism was to drink, and I drank until I almost killed someone while driving.” Pain flashed in his eyes quickly.

“You would have thought that would have sobered me up, but it didn’t. I paid my fine, and I kept drinking, drowning out the images of that girl in the hospital bed. When I was accepted here to play, coach told me to sober up or get the fuck out of school. I don’t have a fallback plan; I never have. So I sobered up. I haven’t touched liquor since.”

The room was silent. I could tell the other four didn’t know he had almost killed somebody. That was something that stuck with you, no matter what.

I gulped. It was my time now. Much like with Zacky coming out, it never got easier to say. It took me too long and too many tears to tell Matt. This was not something I liked talking about.

I sighed. “I know you all went to great lengths to protect me. I don’t know what Matt told you, but my father and his business partner raped me for years. Eventually the business partner’s son got involved too. I don’t want to go into more details, but I don’t want you to risk coming with me. He is not a good man.”

Matt squeezed my hand. “It’s not up for discussion. We’re going, we already got coach and our professors to sign off on it. Your battle is ours now.”

Notes

I know I’ve been away again for a long time. I wouldn’t be surprised if you all had given up on me at this point. As grad school starts, I definitely will not be updating as much, though I will try. My nana died, and her death hit me harder than I thought it would. As I worked my way through her death and having to speak at her funeral, I also found out the expense of tuition. I’ve been stressed from that and dealing with my relationship with my father and a boy I am crushing on.

About a week ago, I found out that the benign cyst on my brain stem was growing. And while it’s still benign, they are worried. I was going to tell my boy about it, but his friend went into surgery today for a brain tumor and his twin is in the ER, incredibly sick. I couldn’t bear putting more on his plate. But… I am worried. Brain stems… are a difficult thing. And it explains a lot of my health issues. Thanks for sticking with y’all.