The Music We Make

I dreaded today more than anything. Having to go back to work and face Brian and the guys after the breakup was sure to be awkward and uncomfortable. This is exactly why I was afraid of dating him in the first place. Last time I did this with a guy from a band it was just sex, and that was awkward enough. This was a man I loved. Well, still love. So I could only imagine how difficult it was going to be.

Luckily we were almost done and at this point in the process I had very little to do. I planned on just hanging out in the back on the room, minding my own business and only participating when necessary. I just hoped everything went smooth and I didn’t have to deal with any drama.

I got there early as usual, not wanting it to seem like anything was wrong with me. I had made sure to look presentable, but didn’t overdo it; I didn’t want it to seem like I was trying too hard. I simply wore jeans, a black tank, and a flannel with my hair down in its natural blonde waves. I got the studio ready for the day, silently praying that Brian wouldn’t be the first one to show up.

My prayers were heard as Matt walked through the door, quickly followed by Johnny, Jimmy, and Zack. Brian was nowhere to be found, and I felt the pit of my stomach churn with nerves. Mudrock and Fred arrived next, setting up everything for the day while we all waited for Brian.

“Where the fuck is Gates?” Johnny asked, clearly wanting to get work started.

“Who the fuck knows,” Zack said, annoyed. “Probably too busy being a pussy at home.”

“Stop, Zack,” Jimmy said, more serious than normal.

The conversation made me wonder whether or not the guys knew. But when Matt reached over and squeezed my shoulder, I had a feeling they all did. I bit my lip and forced myself to stay quiet, not wanting to make this anymore awkward than it already was.

Before anyone else could add to the conversation, he finally walked through the door, wearing all black and sunglasses on his face. He looked rough, honestly, as if he was hung over. I had seen him like this before, but was honestly surprised he’d show up to work this way.

“Sorry,” he said gruffly before sitting in the studio, as far away from me as possible. He kept on his sunglasses and crossed his legs, leaning back into the chair.

“Let’s get started,” Mudrock said, sensing some of the awkwardness. But, being the businessman that he is, he avoided it, getting right to work.

We were a little more than halfway through approving the record, and the guys were anxious to get more songs completed today and maybe even finish the whole thing. Everyone was extremely focused and no small talk was had between anyone, which I was eternally grateful
for.

During lunch, the tour was brought up. I stayed back in the studio while they ate in the kitchen, not hungry enough to join them. I used the excuse that I was going to work on other projects I was behind on, but I didn’t. I just didn’t want to be around them while they talked about leaving town because I’m sure I wouldn’t react well. So, instead I sat in the studio area, hidden from everyone as I listened in on their conversation.

“Larry said he’s coming by at five tomorrow to finalize tour dates. He wants everyone to be there,” Matt told the guys.

“Sounds good,” I heard Zack say. The rest of them confirmed between their bites of food.

“He said that Warped Tour is for sure, but we’re going to try and fit in some solo shows in between. He needs to figure out who the openers will be though and wants suggestions. So think about that in the meantime,” Matt instructed.

“Yes, sir,” Brian said, his voice flat and annoyed. He probably even saluted Matt when he said it.

“Stop being a dick,” Zack said, probably a little too loud.

“Shh,” Matt said. “Don’t do this now.” I could just picture him pointing to the studio to remind everyone that I was in there.

“Whatever,” Zack said, and I heard his chair move away from the table.

“You got a problem?” Brian asked, his voice angrier now.

“You know what my fucking problem is, you pussy,” Zack said.

I heard Brian’s chair slide back quickly, as if he stood from the table. “Shut the fuck up, Zack. You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.”

“I know that you’re an asshole who is such a little bitch that he can’t let his woman pursue her own dreams.”

“STOP,” Jimmy said, a fierce sternness in his voice that I had never heard before. “Just stop.”

It was quiet for a moment and I heard chairs shuffling again, which must have been Zack sitting down, because a moment after I heard the front door slam. I knew that must have been Brian, probably to go out and have a smoke. I sat there, trying to catch my breath and stop tears from coming. I didn’t want Zack to act like that for me; he didn’t have to take sides. It wasn’t fair to anyone. I knew I had to say something, but it took me a moment to calm my nerves and get up to walk to the kitchen.

Leaning against the door frame, I tried to casually say, “That wasn’t necessary.” My voice cracked a little.

“Shit, Rosie,” Zack said, running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I thought you had headphones on.”

I shrugged, “No. But seriously, Zack, you didn’t need to do that. I don’t want you guys fighting, especially right before you leave.”

Zack sighed, “I meant what I said to him. I think he’s being a little bitch.”

I sighed too. “Well, even if you think that, you need to keep it to yourself. You’re the one that has to live with him on a crowded bus for the next several months, not me.” As I said this last thing I had to bite my tongue to stop the tears. They welled up in my eyes but I would not let them fall.

He nodded. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll go talk to him,” Zack said, getting up. “Rosie, I am sorry. About everything.”

When Zack left it was awkward again, and it was clear that no one knew what to say.
Eventually I told the guys, “I don’t want all of this bullshit to stop us from being friends and from finishing this record. I still care about you all and your success, regardless of what happened. So please don’t feel awkward around me. It only makes it worse.”

Jimmy got up from his spot, wrapping his arms around me. While I was in his embrace he said, “I’m sorry, Rosie. This whole this is so fucked up. We’re all mad at Brian and we’re also kind of mad at you. It’s hard.”

“I understand,” I said as he let me go.

“You’re always going to be our friend,” Matt told me. “And you’re one of the best producers we’ve ever worked with.”

“No doubt,” Johnny added.

“Thanks, guys,” I said.

Brian and Zack walked back through the door then, less tense than they had been previously. It seemed like everything would get back to normal soon, that the guys would be on the road, best friends again. And I would be here, alone. But I couldn’t let myself think that way. I made this choice and I didn’t want to regret it just because I was lonely. I needed this right now, this push towards success.

“Ready to get back to work?” Mudrock asked from his seat at the table, clearly wanting to avoid any more awkward conversations. We all agreed and headed back into the studio.

The rest of the day went much smoother and we were on our way to finishing the album. Every one of us were so eager to wrap it up that we stayed later than usual. Dinnertime had come and passed, but we stayed, finishing up the last song of the record City of Evil.

“That’s a wrap, guys,” Fred said, leaning back in his chair.

We all cheered, elated at the news, myself included. We had all worked so hard on the record and everyone was excited to send it out to the fans. The guys all got up and hugged each other, hugged Mudrock and Fred, and even me. Except for one band member, of course.

Fred broke out the cheap champagne they kept in the fridge and we all shared the bottle, using little red plastic cups. It tasted awful, but we didn’t care; we just wanted to celebrate being done with the record.

“Party at my place tomorrow after the meeting with Larry,” Matt said. “Food, pool, and LOTS of drinking.”

Everyone agreed and they talked about the party on the way out of the studio, leaving me and the other producers behind. Matt made sure to extend the invitation to all three of us, but I knew I wouldn’t be there. Tonight was probably one of the last nights I’d ever see them, and they all just walked out the door without a goodbye. It was probably better this way anyways; it would be easier to let them go.

“Are you going to that, Rosie?” Fred asked me as we packed up for the night.

“No, probably not,” I told him.

“So what the fuck happened?” Mudrock asked finally.

I laughed at his outburst. “Brian and I broke up, so sorry for the awkwardness.”

“Jesus, Rosie. This is why you don’t date musicians,” he said.

“I know, I know,” I said, looking away and not wanting to talk about it anymore.

“Well, if you change your mind, we’ll be there, right Fred?”

“Yep,” Fred said, putting on his coat. We all walked out of the studio then, Mudrock locking the door behind him.

We parted then, walking to our own cars to go home. I was exhausted and emotionally drained, already dreaming of my bed. Now that the project with Avenged Sevenfold was done, and done early, I would have some time off. I needed to call some bands and schedule sessions with them right away; I couldn’t let myself have too much free time. Keeping busy and pushing myself was the only way I was going to get through these next few months without the man I loved, my new friends, and my best friend. I dreaded it, but I had to stick to my guns. I just hoped that it wasn’t going to be as horrible as it sounded.

-0-

I spent the following morning contacting as many bands as I could, letting him know that the studio was available sooner than they signed up for. Most of the bands replied with thanks-but-no-thanks because they had other things going on, but I was finally able to book studio time with two different groups. Starting the next day I would be back in the studio full time, and sometimes overtime. I even called Paramore to give them a head’s up that I would be available more often and they were ecstatic. Anything I could do to keep myself busy.

Andi was actually home, frantically trying to figure out what to take on tour and what to leave at home. I sat on her bed as she dug through her closet, mumbling to herself about what to take and leave behind.

“I’ll be able to send you some cash here and there to help pay for the apartment, Rosie,” she said. “It just don’t be as consistent as usual.”

I sighed. “It’s ok. I have a feeling you’ll be moving in with Zack when you come back anyways.”

“You think so?” she asked, excited.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. It wasn’t their fault that I was single now. “Probably,” I said to her.

“Will you be okay here by yourself?” she asked, turning around to face me.

I sighed and nodded before saying, “I’ll have to be. I can afford the bills, that’s not an issue.” In my mind I thought about how I’ll have no social life with all my friends leaving, so I’d have nothing else to spend money on anyways.

“I feel bad, Rosie. I can’t lie. I feel like I should stay,” she said sadly.

“Don’t stay here just because you feel sorry for me,” I said, trying to keep my tone as pleasant as possible.

“It’s not just that, Rosie. You’re my friend and I care about you. Every time I got dumped you were there for me and now I’m just leaving. It makes me feel like a shitty friend,” she said.

“It’s ok, Andi. You can’t stay here just because of me. You need to do what you want to do and put yourself first. I’ll be OK. I’ll call you if I get sad, I promise,” I told her, meaning it.

She nodded and bit her lip, clearly still feeling pity for me. “I have to get going. You sure you don’t want to come?”

“Positive.”

“I love you,” she said before walking over to me to give me a hug.

“Love you too. Have fun,” I told her.

She walked out the door, leaving me there alone. Something I just had to get used to.

Notes

Comments are appreciated!!

xoxo JJ