Login with:

Facebook

Twitter

Tumblr

Google

Yahoo

Aol.

Mibba

Your info will not be visible on the site. After logging in for the first time you'll be able to choose your display name.

The Music We Make

Tough Phone Call

I had to leave soon after to go to work, having to record with Paramore that night. We had held each other in the hall for what felt like hours, but I had to break our embrace to get dressed for work. We made our goodbyes, kissing passionately at the doorway before I finally had to break away and leave.

I was filled with so many emotions, work was the last place I wanted to be. But it was probably good that I had a chance to step away from Brian; I didn’t know how those emotions would stir up any conversation we would have. I couldn’t resist my lust and passion for him, but I was still feeling upset about the events on the previous night. It was going to be a good thing for me to step away from him for the night.

I drove back to the studio, music softly in the background. I was determined to completely take my mind off of everything happening with Brian tonight so I could just focus on work. When I pulled in I realized I was the last one there, so I quickly parked and got out of the car, jogging to the entrance.

The members of Paramore were waiting inside in the kitchen area, since the studio door was locked. I apologized for being a little late and unlocked the door, letting them all inside. They were all really friendly with me about it, seeing as they were actually early and I was on time, but I still felt guilty.

“You alright, Rosie?” Hayley, the singer, asked me. She tucked a strand of her bright orange hair behind her ear as she asked and I smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, I’m good. Let’s do this,” I said, opening the door of the booth for her to sing in.

While I was working with them I felt at peace, letting my mind focus on the music rather than all of my personal problems I was trying to avoid. I didn’t have to think about Avenged Sevenfold in any capacity while I was here, and my mind was focused solely on completing my job. I loved working with this young band, who had so many cool ideas about their future, and it was awesome to be a part of the start of their career. I especially loved working with Hayley; seeing a female front man for a rock band was pretty amazing.

It was so great being the lead producer. This is where I could see myself in the future, maybe even owning my own studio. I had all of these ideas for myself, including producing and writing music, that I just didn’t know if I could accomplished if I took a break and left California behind. Being behind the booth with Paramore that night made me feel convicted in this, leaving me with sadness.

When they left for the night I sat in the studio, looking at the soundboard as I became lost in thought. I pictured myself in this studio with established bands, taking leadership of the entire process. I thought about owning my own studio space with my own clients, building an empire of my own. I thought about recording my own songs and hearing them on the radio. And then I thought of Brian.

How would he fit into all of this? Was it truly impossible to be with him and accomplish all of my goals at the same time? Could we really make it work? I wanted to think that we could, but my mind could not wrap around how it would be possible.

-0-

The next morning was the same as any other; I got to the studio early to set up for the day and the guys came in a little while after, ready to dive back into the record. The only difference, though, is that they had some news to share with us today.

“We talked with Larry last night,” Matt started, standing in the middle of the room so we could all hear. “And he wants a few of us to travel to San Francisco to do some promoting for the record. One of their radio stations is willing to do an interview. He said at least Syn and I should go.”

“How long will you guys be gone?” Mudrock asked, obviously wondering how much this would change the schedule of finishing the record.

“Just Friday and the weekend. That way we won’t get too far behind. We’ll come back to work Monday for sure,” Brian told us.

Everyone nodded along, but I looked at Brian, wondering why he hadn’t bothered to call or text me about this. They had it all planned and everything, so why couldn’t he just give me a heads up about it? It was odd and unlike him.

“Sounds good. Well, we just need to work extra hard today so we don’t fall behind schedule,” Fred told everyone, turning to face the computer. “Let’s get started.”

The rest of the day went smoothly and we all got a ton of work completed, inching one step closer to completing the record. Knowing that Matt and Brian were not going to be here tomorrow kicked us into overdrive, pushing us through two more songs before the end of the day. Doing this kept us on schedule and let Mudrock stop stressing out over getting the record done on time.

“Since we’re off tomorrow, let’s go get drunk,” Johnny said as we walked out of the studio.
The guys all agreed, and while I was thinking over what I wanted to do, I felt an arm slink around my shoulder. Brian kissed the top of my head as we talked to my car, listening to what the boys had planned for the evening.

“Syn and I have to get up really early to make the drive,” Matt said. “Let’s just do it at my house so I have a good bed to sleep in. Gates, go pack now so you can crash at my place.”
Brian nodded, telling Matt he’d meet him at the house later, then continued walking me to my car. Before I unlocked it, he shifted so he could kiss me gently on the lips, his hand moving through my hair. He pulled away, leaving a hand on my face, running his thumb against my bottom lip.

“I’ll miss you while I’m away,” he said softly before kissing me again.

“It’s only a weekend,” I said, though the knots in my stomach made it feel like it would be months.

“I was afraid you’d be upset,” he told me, taking a step back.

“I’m fine,” I said somewhat defensively, not wanting him to think I couldn’t handle myself without him for a few days.

“I just mean because of the fight we had. It’s going to be hard for me to be away from you, no matter how long it is, baby,” he said. “I know you’re really independent and can probably handle it, but I hope you’ll at least miss me.”

I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him in close. “Of course I’ll miss you, Brian. I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said before kissing me again. “You want to come to Matt’s with us?”

“I have to work,” I told him. “But maybe we can have a dinner date like we did yesterday?”

He grinned, “Sounds good to me.”

-0-

I got home late from the studio that night, and though I thought about stopping at Matt’s to join the party for a bit, I was beat and I figured everyone was already hammered by now. All I wanted to do was go to bed. As soon as I had come home I went straight to my bed, crashing.

I woke up later than usual the next morning, so grateful to be able to sleep in with no alarm. The apartment was quiet; Andi had been with Zack so I was alone. I sat up in my bed and looked out the window, gazing at the cloudy gray sky. This is how I would be waking up over the weekend, all alone. I knew this was something I should probably get used to, but the thought of that alone made me sad.

Instead of moping around the house today, I decided to go into the studio to record. I would be able to have the space to myself all day; no one was scheduled to come in all weekend. I needed to take my mind off of the fact that Brian was away and that if I decided not to go on tour with him, it would always feel like this. I could handle him being gone for a weekend, sure, but months at a time? This weekend was just a taste of what that would be like.

I got to the studio and unlocked the door, walking through the kitchen to the main studio. I unlocked this door as well, stepping through into the main area. Being here felt more like home than my own apartment did. Hell, I was here more often anyways. I sighed and walked to the back rooms where I could grab my favorite guitar.

I started strumming an old tune that I had written when I was young, letting myself get lost in the music. It felt so wonderful to be here working on something that I truly loved with no distractions. I let my mind focus solely on my work and nothing else as I played and sang, all of my worries disappearing.

I spent hours there, playing until my fingers ached and my voice was hoarse. I recorded some, practice some, and jammed a little bit too. But when it got to the point where I was too exhausted to continue, I decided to leave.

I called Andi on my way out, hoping that I could do something with her. She was with Zack, but invited me to join them for a movie night. I figured I might as well; I didn’t want to be alone and lost in my thoughts.

I pulled into Zack’s place and walked up to the door, oddly nervous. I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself for being the third wheel for their date, but it was still better than being alone. Zack answered when I knocked and let me in, guiding me to the living room. I sat next to Andi on the couch and she cuddled up to me, joking that Zack could sit somewhere else. It was nice to have my friend by my side; it had felt like I hadn’t for awhile.

“So I have some news,” she told me when Zack went into the kitchen to get us some food and drinks. I shifted on the couch to face her, instantly nervous, but let her finish by saying, “Zack asked me to go on tour with them. I said yes!”

I sighed and laughed, telling her, “Jesus, I thought you were going to say you’re pregnant.”

She laughed along, practically screeching. “Fuck no. Oh my God.”

“Well, shit! That’s awesome, Andi. Are you excited?” I asked her, trying to hide my mixed feelings. I was truly happy for her, but at the same time I was upset. If she went on tour and I did not, I would truly be alone here.

“I am, but really nervous too. I haven’t told the hospital yet. I feel bad for leaving them so soon since I like working there, but I can’t pass this up. It’s going to be wild and amazing, don’t you think?”

I nodded and bit my lip, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening my eyes. Andi noticed right away and her smile faded, making me feel guilty.

“Has Brian still not asked you?”

“He told me I could come. He said he wanted me to. I’m just not sure if it’s what I want,” I admitted softly, not wanting Zack to hear in the other room.

Andi nodded. “I understand,” she started. “I’m nervous about it. Part of me knows it’s a crazy, stupid thing to do. But I couldn’t imagine living months at a time without Zack.”

“Yeah,” I said, looking away from my friend. Before I could say anything else, Zack came back into the room, his arms full of various treats and drinks. I got up and helped him set everything down on the coffee table, laughing about how much he had brought out for just the three of us.

“What’s a movie night without a little binge eating?” he joked, grabbing a bag of chips.

Andi started the movie, and I was glad that it was a mindless superhero movie, with very little romance or drama involved. Right away Andi and Zack leaned into each other, snuggling on the couch while I sat there, awkwardly alone. Part of me didn’t mind since they were my friends, but it did make me wish that Brian was there.

Halfway through the movie, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I pulled it out to see that Brian was calling, so I excused myself, slipping out onto the balcony of Zack’s place. I leaned against the rail as I answered the phone, staring out onto the ocean’s waves.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“Hey, my love,” Brian said. “I’m so glad you answered. I thought you might be in bed.”

I looked at my watch. “It’s only ten. And it’s a Saturday,” I said with a chuckle.

“Yeah, but I thought you’d be so sad without me there that you’d be in bed already,” he joked, laughing as he said it.

“I’m actually at Zack’s watching a movie with him and Andi,” I told him.

“Some third wheel action?” he asked.

I laughed and said, “Yep. But I got free Cheetos out of it so it’s been a good night.”

Brian chuckled, then paused for a moment before asking, “Do you miss me, baby?”

“Of course I do, my love,” I practically whispered. Then jokingly I said, “Why else do you think I would volunteer to have a third wheel date with those two? I needed something to take my mind off of missing you.”

“I love you,” he said quietly. I said it back, and there was a pause again before he continued.“This is what it would be like, you know.”

“What?”

“If you didn’t come on tour. This is what it would feel like, but worse. And for months at a time.”

I swallowed and my stomach knotted up with nerves. “Yeah, I know.”

“I don’t like it, Rosie. It’s only been one night and I’m aching to have you here with me.”

Tears welled up in my eyes and I had to swallow again before answering so my voice wouldn’t crack. “I just wish it was that easy, Bri.”

“It is that easy, Rosie. We should be together, always.”

“I just can’t stop my life here. I love what I’m doing here, Brian. I’m getting closer and closer to becoming a major lead producer with each project I do. I can practically taste it. And doing that will only help with my songwriting. I just don’t know if I can let it go,” I admitted to him, my voice faltering several times.

“I told you, you’re life doesn’t have to be put on hold. You can still work on the road. Maybe not in the studio, but you can still write. And you can just produce when you get back.”

“It doesn’t really work like that, Brian. I have a good relationship with Mudrock and Fred, but the higher-ups might not feel the same way about all of this. I can’t just leave for months at a time and come back whenever I want. No artist I work with would comply with that schedule either, you should understand that.”

“I do, but I just don’t think it’s as important as it is for us to be together,” he said, a bite in his voice. He was clearly becoming angry now.

“So you’re saying your career is more important than mine?” I asked bitterly, anger rising in my own voice now too.

“No, I’m saying that you can take a break for a while and come back to it while I can’t. Do you expect me to quit the band so I can stay with you in California?”

“I never said that, not once. I can’t believe you’d even think that,” I said, putting my hands through my hair and sighing. “But there needs to be some sort of compromise here. I am not quitting my job.”

“Not even to be with me? The man you supposedly love?” he questioned.

“There you go again, assuming I don’t love you because I have career goals. Jesus, Brian,” I said, rage filling my stomach. “I can’t drop everything I worked so hard for just for some man!”

“I’m not just some man, Rosie. If I was this choice would be easier. We love each other,” he said and I could tell he was trying to calm down the conversation with the tone of his voice.

I took a deep breath before saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that you were just some random guy. I do love you and I know you love me. But we both love our careers too.”

“So now what?” he said, barely audible against the sound of the crashing waves.

“I don’t know,” I whispered in return.

Brian said, “We can’t keep dancing around this, baby. You need to decide what you want. You know what I want, I’ve made it clear.”

“I feel like I’ve made it pretty clear, too,” I said, realizing what I was really saying. Tears started streaming down my face and there was a pause in our conversation as we both processed what this meant.

“So you’re not coming,” he simply stated after a moment, almost monotone.

“No, I’m not,” I told him, trying hard to stop my voice from cracking.

“So this is it, then,” he whispered, clearly shocked.

“It doesn’t have to be,” I said, practically pleading. “I know it will be hard, but we can make it work while you’re on the road, can’t we?”

“I don’t think we can. You will worry about what I’m doing and who I’m with. I’ll be jealous of every guy that walks into that fucking studio. I can’t, Rosie. Either you’re with me 100% or you’re not at all, I can’t do this bullshit in the middle. I don’t want to feel like this for months at a time, be happy to be with you again for a little while, then go through it all over again. I want you completely, not half-assed.”

I bit my tongue, again trying not to cry. “I’m sorry, Brian. I do love you.”

“Clearly not enough,” he said angrily and hung up the phone, not giving me the chance to say any more.

I stood there for a moment and stared at the phone, not knowing what do to. All of the emotions rushing through my mind made me sink to the ground on my knees and I held my head in my hands, shaking from the sobs erupting through my body. Within moments I felt Andi’s arms wrap around my body, her hand rubbing my back. She must have seen me from the window of the living room. Slowly she guided me to my feet and helped me back inside, where she walked me to one of the bedrooms. She helped me get ready for bed and laid me down, rubbing my band and stroking my hair until I was calmed down.

“Brian?” she asked.

“We broke up,” I whispered, staring off into space. I couldn’t believe it. What had I done?


Notes

Here's a longer chapter for you to hold you over for the weekend.

Don't be mad <3

xoxo JJ

Comments

@Nicole
I had some ideas in mind but nothing’s on paper yet. I am actually working on something else now... :)

@Ghost-On-A-Sea-Of-Wine
thanks! <3

J.J. J.J.
4/3/19

Loved loved loved this story! Are you still thinking of a sequel???

Nicole Nicole
3/16/19

Sorry I disappeared on ya, there. But I just caught up and finished this today. Cute ending. :)

@overneaththepathofmisery
Thanks <3

J.J. J.J.
12/23/18

So. Frickin. Sweet. <3 <3 <3