The Music We Make

The rest of the night was awkward. I avoided Brian, not wanting to talk about what had just happened, so I hung out with Matt and Val for the most part. They were the only ones there not getting on my nerves; Jimmy and Johnny were drunk and still rambling on about touring, Zack and Andi were all over each other, and Brian, well... He ended up joining Johnny and Jimmy’s conversation after I repeatedly giving me the cold shoulder and was obviously pissed off about it. He sat there quietly, drinking as they talked, not really participating in any of the conversation.

Matt, Val and I talked about anything but the tour, and it was obvious that they were trying to make me feel better by taking my mind off of it. Really I thought it was sweet, but my emotions were getting the best of me. I needed to get out of there. I tapped on Andi’s arm, trying to pull her attention away from Zack for a split second, and asked if she could give me a ride home.

“I came with Zack,” she said softly, biting her lip.

“It’s okay,” I said, standing to leave. “I’ll walk.”

“You’re not going with Brian?” Andi asked, quietly enough so no one would hear.

I shook my head no, then pushed in my chair and put on my jacket. I told everyone goodbye, that I was beat, and tried to walk about as quickly as I could without anyone stopping me.
Unfortunately, as soon as I stepped outside, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“You’re leaving?”

I turned to see Brian there, a sad look on his face. I felt my stomach knot up with nerves and I just stood there, not knowing what to say. I nodded my head to answer him, afraid that if I spoke my voice would crack and the tears would come.

“Can I walk you home at least?” he asked as I began to walk away.

“No, I want to be alone,” I told him bluntly.

“Rosie,” he said, grabbing my hand to stop me from walking away from him. “Are you mad at me or something?”

I laughed at that in anger, looking down at the ground and pulling my hand away from his.
“Are you serious?”

“I told you, baby, it was in the past. I’m not like that anymore. I was drunk and stupid. I wasn’t
in love with Josie. I’m in love with you, it’s that simple,” he said softly, trying to calm me down.

“It’s not that simple, Brian. It’s just not. The fact that you cheated on your girlfriend, no matter how long you dated her, disgusts me. And all of my worries about you going off on tour have been confirmed.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment, and I could tell he was trying to calm himself and prevent himself from saying something really shitty back to my harsh words. Eventually, after taking a deep breath, he said, “Fine, I cheated. You’re right. I can’t deny that. But the fact that you say you love me and don’t trust me at the same time doesn’t make any fucking sense. And you’ve been worried about me going off on tour? What the fuck, Rosie? Why haven’t you said anything to me about this?”

“I didn’t think it would matter what I thought,” I told him. “It’s your career, it’s not like you can’t go.”

“Your opinion matters to me, Rosie. Because I love you. And because I love you I wouldn’t do anything like that to you. It was one of the shittiest things I have ever done and I’ll never do it again.”

I took a deep breath, but didn’t answer. I looked away from him, the tears coming to my eyes. I didn’t want him to see me get upset this way.

“Rosie,” he started softly. “You’ll have nothing to worry about while I’m on tour because you can come with me. I want you to come. Shit, every second I’m not with you I feel like something is missing in my life. I couldn’t imagine going away from months without you there.”

Now the tears were falling down my cheeks. I moved away from him completely, trying to discretely wipe my face. I turned back to him, and though I wouldn’t look him in the eye, I let him grab my hands. Sighing, I told him, “I’m not sure if that can happen.”

He dropped my hands immediately, shocked by my words. “Because of what happened with Josie?”

I shook my head, “No, there’s more to it than that. I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”

“Well, too bad,” he said, a bitterness in his voice. “You can’t just say something like that then walk away.”

“Look, my life in here in California. I have a job that I love and goals for myself that I have to be here for, Brian. I can’t just drop my life for you,” I said, anger in my voice. This was not how I wanted this conversation to happen.

“Jesus, Rosie. I’m not asking you to throw your fucking life away. I just want you to come on tour with us. That doesn’t mean you can’t produce when you come back and you can write on the road,” he said.

I shook my head and whispered, “I just don’t know if I can do that.”

Brian didn’t say anything for a moment, then moved closer to me. He grabbed my hands again and squeezed them. “Rosie,” he started, trying to look me in the eyes. “All I know is that I love you and I want to be with you always. We can figure out everything else, I know we can.”

I nodded, but still wouldn’t look at him as tears misted over my eyes again. He pulled me close to him, embracing me and kissing the top of my head. I let him hold me, but my arms stayed weakly at my sides. I was practically holding my breath, trying to prevent the tears from falling from my eyes.

He let me go and I stepped back, still not looking at him. “I’m going,” I said to him, moving to walk away. “I want to walk alone.”

He nodded, understanding that I needed my space. “Text me when you get there so I don’t worry, please.”

“Fine,” I said. I waved and walked off, letting the tears fall from my face now that he couldn’t see me.

The walk home gave me the chance to clear my head and stop crying. I knew I had every right to be upset, but I was mad at myself for it anyways. That was exactly how I did not want to have that conversation and it went exactly as I thought it would.

I knew Brian wouldn’t understand where I was coming from. Ever since my dad passed away, my mother always raised me to be independent and strive for my own goals outside of any relationship I ever had. She always told me that her motivation for success helped us in the long run; if she had totally depended on my dad, it would have been even harder for us when he died.

My mom worked for a lawyer when she was young as a paralegal, but after I was born she stayed home. She went back to work when my dad got sick, grateful that she had the schooling and skills to get a job back at another law firm. She always encouraged me to have a plan and goals for myself because you never knew what life would bring.

Because of this I had always been an extremely independent woman, which I was very proud of. Part of me just couldn’t let this go and leave behind me career for a man, no matter who he was. I loved Brian so deeply, but I just didn’t know if I could do this. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I thought it was selfish of him, too.

I got home and sent him a quick text, telling him that I made it home. I locked the door and threw my stuff on the table, walking like a zombie to my bedroom. I kicked off my shoes and took off my coat, then I was in bed moments later, staring up at the ceiling. As I laid there I imagined myself off of tour with the guys and what it would be like. Constantly cramped in a bus, having to share a small space with five crazy guys. Then all of the crazy parties- that would probably get old. I would never be able to be alone and have a moment to myself.
None of it seemed appealing, honestly.

I wondered too if Andi would be on the tour with them. I assumed that Val would be there, but it was different for her; she had been there since the beginning and basically worked for the band. I could see Andi wanting to go, especially since she and Zacky were inseparable now. I couldn’t help but think about how she would be leaving her brand new job, but maybe that wouldn’t bother her.

I sighed and put my arm over my eyes, trying to clear my mind. I truly wanted to be with Brian but everything just made me so nervous and unsure. I had always been afraid to take risks and let myself go. Recently I had been trying to live in the moment like Andi and Jimmy told me to do, but it was just too difficult. I needed plans and certainty in my life and this was everything but that.

I felt my phone buzz beside me and I moved my arm, reaching over to grab it. There was a text from Brian and I bit my lip, opening up my phone to look at it.

Brian: Glad you made it home. I love you, remember that.

Rosie: Love you too.

I put my phone back down and sighed. Really, that should be enough. I know he loves me and I love him. Why couldn’t that be enough? I wish it was easier to just let go and have some fucking fun, but the thought of leaving my life behind for the crazy world of touring made me extremely anxious.

I sighed and turned over, closing my eyes. I knew the only way I could stop thinking about all of this was to sleep, so I did just that, letting my mind drift off to more pleasant dreams.

-0-

I went to work early the next day, trying to make up for coming in late the day before. I restocked the kitchen, made coffee, and laid out the pastries I had bought at a local bakery. I cleaned the kitchen and the studio, dusting everything since it hadn’t been done in ages. I even cleaned the bathrooms, grimacing as I scrubbed the toilet. The place was sparkling by the time the guys arrived.

“Thanks, Rosie,” Mudrock said, patting me on the back. “We’re lucky you have you here.”
I smiled, nodding my head at my boss. I loved being here and I was proud to work here. I didn’t really want to leave…

We all gathered around in the main studio area again, going through the next song. I sat away from Brian, wanting to avoid any contact with him for the moment so that I could keep my personal life separate from business. I sat with Matt, knowing that he would protect me from any comments made about last night. That was the great thing about Matt; he was empathetic and extremely loyal to his friends. I knew that he would turn the conversation back to work if necessary.

Luckily we talked shop and nothing else. Even Johnny and Jimmy, who had been all about talking about the tour yesterday were focused on work. Or at least they seemed to be. Either that or they were both hungover.

We made it through one more song today, calling it quits shortly after. There had been a long discussion over the bridge of this song, and Matt actually got back into the booth, trying different harmonies before we finally settled on one. All in all everyone was happy at the end of the day and that was the only thing that mattered.

I tried to sneak out of work along with everyone else, attempting to avoid Brian longer, but of course it didn’t work. He stopped me at my car, asking me if everything was ok.

“I’m fine,” I lied, trying to avoid the conversation yet again.

“Rosie,” he said sternly, as if he was scolding me. I scowled at him, not appreciating the tone, even though I couldn’t really blame him.

“I just don’t want to fight again, Brian,” I said, leaning against my car.

He nodded then said, “We don’t have to talk about that right now, but you know we’ll have to eventually.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He sighed and put his arms around me, moving close so he could kiss me on the forehead.
He pulled away and asked, “Do you have to work late tonight?”

I nodded, “I was just going to grab some dinner and come back.”

“Can I join?”

I nodded and he grabbed my hand, pulling me to his car. We got in his car and headed off to grab a quick bite, knowing that I had to be back to the studio in an hour and a half. He went through a drive-thru, then drove off towards the beach. He parked nearby and we walked over to a picnic area, eating our food while looking at the water.

It was quiet between us, and though it was a little awkward I was happy for the silence. I didn’t know what to do or say; should I bring up our fight or just pretend like it never happened?

When we finished our food, Brian put his arm around me, pulling me close. I laid my head against his shoulder, watching the waves crash against the sand. I sighed, relaxing my body as I leaned into him, and he kissed me on the top of the head.

“I couldn’t imagine my life without you,” he whispered into my hair.

I didn’t say anything, but instead shifted my body so that I could face him. He cupped my face into his hands, pulling me close to kiss me. I let myself relax as I closed my eyes, falling into the kiss. I moaned as his tongue entered my mouth, fighting against my own. I couldn’t help but let my body take control, putting my thoughts aside as he touched me, his hands roaming down my back.

He broke from me a moment later, getting up from the bench and pulling me along with him. He took me to his car, opening the door for me before getting in and starting it. I followed his lead, letting him take me wherever he wanted to go.

His apartment was close by so he drove us there, speeding the whole way. He parked, ran to open my door, and then practically dragged me inside of the apartment. As soon as he shut the door he was attacking my lips, pinning me against the door to his apartment. I pushed him off of me then took his hand, bringing him to the living room. I pushed him onto the couch and got on top of him, straddling his lap.

Immediately I felt him getting excited beneath as I kissed him, taking charge of the moment. I felt all of my anger towards him flush out of me and I tugged his hair and kissed his neck. I practically ripped his shirt off as I pulled it over his head and he grinned, loving this side of me.

I stood for a moment, removing my pants and underwear. He unzipped his own pants, unveiling his cock from under his jeans. Wasting no time, I got back on the couch, hovering over his cock. Slowly I let myself fall onto him, moaning as his length went deep inside of me.

“Fuck, Rosie,” he moaned, closing his eyes as he leaned his head against the back of the couch.

I put my arms on either side of his head to support myself as I pumped up and down, rocking my hips. Brian’s hands made their way up my thighs and onto my hips, guiding me up and down on his cock. I grabbed his hair, fiercely kissing him. All of my anger towards him was put into that kiss and Brian moaned into my mouth, feeling the passion.

I broke away from him harshly, pumping myself harder and harder. I closed my eyes, letting myself be overcome with the passion between us, ignoring all of the other ill feelings. Within moments I felt myself clenching around him as I came, my hands gripping the edge of the couch.

Brian did not hesitate to take over after my orgasm, pulling me off of him turning me around on the couch so I was on my knees. He pulled at my hips, slipping inside of me at the same time so that I cried out in ecstasy. His hands gripped my hips as he fucked me hard, grunting as he thrusted into me. His right hand smacked my ass and I screamed out in pain and pleasure, practically seeing stars.

As I called out his name Brian came, squeezing my hips to hold himself up. He moved out of me when he finished, plopping down onto the couch next to me, panting. I stood up from the couch and walked away, going into the bathroom without even speaking to him.

I closed the door and leaned against it, panting from being out of breath from the sex and from the panic I was now feeling. I covered my face with my hands and tried to breath, tried to calm myself. All of the anger and frustration we had just felt right now had turned into something truly amazing. Every moment with him was pure bliss. Was I really going to throw that away?

I heard a knock on the door, making me jump. From behind the door, he asked, “You ok, baby?”

“Yeah, just cleaning up,” I said, moving away from the door. I turned on the faucet and splashed my face with water before going to the bathroom. I took a deep breath before walking out the door.

Brian was there waiting for me and immediately he took me into his arms. We both stood there, half naked, holding each other in the hallway of his apartment. No matter what was to come, this is where I always wanted to be.

Notes

Life has been crazy busy. Sorry my updates might take me a bit longer than I want, but I'm trying to get as much done as I can.

Thanks for the comments and subscriptions.

xoxo JJ