Coming Home

Matt set next to be on the bed, holding my hand. The bastard was lucky that he was sitting on my blind side because I was really tempted to punch this asshole. He and Rae had decided that someone needed to constantly be watching me. I don't know if that stemmed from Rae hating herself after she lost her leg or from Matt trying to kill himself. Either way, I wanted to fight both of them.

Taking my hand away from my boyfriend, I turned onto my side. I was really tired of being babied. I would have thought my lovers would know how I felt better than anyone. They had both been here, Rae multiple times. Why were they treating me like this?

"Charlie, you've got to talk to us," Matt said, rubbing a hand down my side. "Please, you're starting to scare us. Trust me, I get it. You don't want us to baby you, but you've never been hurt. You're our rock; the guy that helped keep Rae and me together. You never even told us you were an alcoholic. You can understand our concern."

I titled my head back to my boyfriend. "I know, Matt. The thing is, I just don't feel like me. The military was all I knew since I was eighteen. I'm exactly like you and Rae. I was going to be career and then six years ago, my entire team died basically. It fucked me up."

I paused to keep the memories at bay. "I took six years away from something I knew I was good at and pursued a teaching career in the hopes that educating others about history would stop more wars from happening. But it didn't satisfy me in the way that... well, war did. The Marines called me again, and then Fate or God or whatever the fuck you believe in fucked me over again. I lost my family for the second time, Matt. You have to understand, I'm never going to be that same guy again."

Matt sighed, pulling me against his chest. Our bodies were basically the same size so we fit together perfectly. Rae was our little bit that fit so well right between us. Matt and I were almost like puzzle pieces. I liked this, this connection.

"Charlie Anderson, I have so many words I hope will get through your head. So, you are going to listen to someone who will never outrank you."

I laughed and turned to face the tattooed metal god that I had the privilege of dating. "Alright, talk to me, Shadows."

He smiled, flashing his dimples. "Rae wants to talk to you herself and tell you about what she went through. And she'll be able to tell you that better than I ever could. I've never been injured beyond a bullet and popping a blood vessel in my throat. Injuries are kind of her forte.

"That being said, I do know PTSD better than any of you. You both battle it, but in different ways. Rae acknowledges hers and takes medicine and goes to counseling. You drown yours in alcohol and silence. I tried to kill myself, Charlie. I took a high dosage of pills in the hopes that it would shut out my demons. I was wrong.

"I haven't even told our beautiful Rae this, but I've been battling my disorder since my second tour. That was the first time I killed someone as a sniper. My first confirmed kill. It lingers in a way I never thought anything could. I still remember seeing his neck snap back and the blood just go everywhere. It was... sobering.

"I didn't acknowledge it was PTSD, of course. I thought everyone had those kind of traumatic experiences, and it got better. Eventually that memory was replaced by others. Those first years of Iraq and Afghanistan were... dark. The first tour wasn't nearly as bad as the second. It was like after the first tour, they learned. We lost more; we lost a lot more.

"By the time Zacky was my spotter, I was repressing some really fucked up shit, Charlie. I wasn't coping with what I was seeing. Truth be told, I have no idea how I passed any of the psychological exams. The things I saw would just stay with me.

"But I knew I was fucked up beyond repair... totally FUBAR... after Jimmy died. I had been wanting to get out and kept telling him I would be. We would get out together and truly start our lives. Then he died, and I lost all fucking sense of who I was. That Matt... that is a man I never want to see again.

"He was broken, beaten, and vicious. He was out for blood and would not stop without it. I wanted to kill that asshole that got him and after I did... well, after I did that's when everything went down hill. Once I killed Bin Laden and saw Rae without her leg, I went into a spiral.

"We never really talked about how bad it was. Avenged tried to hide it. I was drinking and doing drugs and just self-destructing in the hopes that seeing all the blood and death and memories would make it all go away. I was wrong. And when the shit didn't go away, I tried to kill myself, Charlie. We don't want that to happen to you."

Matt pressed a kiss to my forehead. "I know you're angry. You have every right to be, but don't check out from me and Rae."
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I woke up to Rae stroking my hair, singing softly under her breath. I had no idea what the words were, but her voice was oddly soothing. Singing was never something that I would associate with my little Reaper.

When she noticed my eyes were open, she sat down next to me, continuing to stroke my hair. "I heard Matty talked to you."

I nodded. "Yeah, I imagine it's your turn now." I smiled, actually feeling like it was the right moment to do so. It was my first smile since I woke up in the hospital.

"Yeah, it is." Rae pressed a kiss to my cheek. "I'm not going to beat a dead horse though, Charlie. You know my story; you know the pain I went through. Don't be like me. Don't place the blame where it doesn't belong. I blamed Matt for everything, and I know you'll blame yourself. Breath, Charlie... this is not on you."

Notes

Okay, longer update this time!