Coming Home
Visions Never Fade
FLASHBACK
The first months in the military had been the weirdest of my life. I went from an average high school kid to a soon to be BUD/S graduate within about a year. And it was strange. They never really prepare you for what it's like. And the Navy? Even weirder.
The military taught me a lot of things. It taught me respect, patience, empathy. It taught me how to make a bed, how to cook, how to treat others. But it also taught me something I didn't think the military would: it taught me that sexuality is very much fluid.
The first time I knew that was in BUD/S. My swim buddy, the dude that was attached to me at the hip, well I thought he was a badass. At the time we started BUD/S, I just thought he was a really neat dude. This was someone I wanted to be. I wanted to be as hardcore as he was. I wanted to fight bad guys and shoot shit. Then fucking Hell Week came and suddenly I was really fucking attracted to him.
My swim buddy was a good looking dude, let me tell you. He had black hair and these intensely green eyes. He was fucking shredded too, the kind of ripped I wanted to be. It was fucking insanity. Like, I wanted to be on him. But the thing was... these were the Don't Ask, Don't Tell days. It was gay as shit for me to be thinking like that. So, I convinced myself that it was just Hell Week getting to me.
And then it happened. It was right after I was on the SEALs. The SEALs didn't care about any of that shit. They didn't care if you fucked men or women or fucking trees as long as you were a good teammate, as long as you followed the rules. When you're working with each other overseas for three to fifteen months, things happen. You kissed, you gave each other hand jobs, sometimes you fucked. And I liked it. I liked fucking men. I liked fucking women. What even was sexuality? In the SEALs, it didn't matter.
You know what was great about it? I didn't feel ashamed of what I was. I didn't have a word for it. I liked to fuck pussy and ass and dick. I liked it all. In the SEALs, it all was great. But as a metal guy, I was terrified to expose that. I was terrified if they knew I also liked men that I would be shamed right out of my community.
*********************************************************************************************************
Dan stared me down. It was weird seeing him after so many years of being out. He looked good for someone who had seen year after year of war. He was always my favorite commanding officer, one of the only ones I actually respected enough to listen to what he had to say. It had been years since we had seen each other, even though we still spoke at least once a month.
"It's good to see you, Matt." Dan shook my hand, bringing me in for a hug. "I feel like you have something you want to talk to me about."
I nodded, sitting down on his back porch. The man had a nice setup, right on the beach. He had transferred from Virginia back to San Diego. He said he was getting out of the military, and in a way, he had. Dan trained dogs for the Navy SEALs now. He helped find them IED sniffers, and the man was damn good at it.
"Yeah, Dan. I just... I'm struggling with a couple of things in my life." I chuckled, realizing that Dan probably had a lot more to deal with than my issues.
"What's up, Shadows?"
"You remember Rae?" I asked, knowing he would. Anyone who knew me from 2003-2011 knew about Rae. She had been my person for way too long.
"Dude, of course." Dan rolled his eyes. "I thought that shit ended six years ago."
"I thought it did too. But the thing is, I'm still very much in love with her. I still want to be with her. I want to marry her and have kids with her. The thing is she's dating someone and they seem to be in love."
He quirked an eyebrow at me. "And?"
"I think I want to be with him too... he's hot as fuck, Dan."
"And you're worried about what kind of perception they will take and what the metal community will say, aren't you? You wish the three of you were back in the military."
I cocked an eyebrow this time. "How did you know he was in the military?"
"Because I know Charlie. Charlie comes and talks to me," Dan said with a smile. "He thinks your hot too."
My dimples spread. "Is Charlie into guys?"
"Dude, uncover your eyes. Relax. It's 2017, jackass. It's not like when we started in the military years ago. Things may not be great for LGBT community just yet, but it's better than it ever has been. You can say your bi, Matt. You are. Don't deny who you are just because you're afraid of others perceptions. If the metal heads turn away from you, is that a community you really want to be in?"
"I guess you're right. Do you think Rae would be into it?"
"Of that I have no doubt," Dan said, punching me in the arm. "Now get the fuck of your soapbox and come drink some beer with me."
The first months in the military had been the weirdest of my life. I went from an average high school kid to a soon to be BUD/S graduate within about a year. And it was strange. They never really prepare you for what it's like. And the Navy? Even weirder.
The military taught me a lot of things. It taught me respect, patience, empathy. It taught me how to make a bed, how to cook, how to treat others. But it also taught me something I didn't think the military would: it taught me that sexuality is very much fluid.
The first time I knew that was in BUD/S. My swim buddy, the dude that was attached to me at the hip, well I thought he was a badass. At the time we started BUD/S, I just thought he was a really neat dude. This was someone I wanted to be. I wanted to be as hardcore as he was. I wanted to fight bad guys and shoot shit. Then fucking Hell Week came and suddenly I was really fucking attracted to him.
My swim buddy was a good looking dude, let me tell you. He had black hair and these intensely green eyes. He was fucking shredded too, the kind of ripped I wanted to be. It was fucking insanity. Like, I wanted to be on him. But the thing was... these were the Don't Ask, Don't Tell days. It was gay as shit for me to be thinking like that. So, I convinced myself that it was just Hell Week getting to me.
And then it happened. It was right after I was on the SEALs. The SEALs didn't care about any of that shit. They didn't care if you fucked men or women or fucking trees as long as you were a good teammate, as long as you followed the rules. When you're working with each other overseas for three to fifteen months, things happen. You kissed, you gave each other hand jobs, sometimes you fucked. And I liked it. I liked fucking men. I liked fucking women. What even was sexuality? In the SEALs, it didn't matter.
You know what was great about it? I didn't feel ashamed of what I was. I didn't have a word for it. I liked to fuck pussy and ass and dick. I liked it all. In the SEALs, it all was great. But as a metal guy, I was terrified to expose that. I was terrified if they knew I also liked men that I would be shamed right out of my community.
*********************************************************************************************************
Dan stared me down. It was weird seeing him after so many years of being out. He looked good for someone who had seen year after year of war. He was always my favorite commanding officer, one of the only ones I actually respected enough to listen to what he had to say. It had been years since we had seen each other, even though we still spoke at least once a month.
"It's good to see you, Matt." Dan shook my hand, bringing me in for a hug. "I feel like you have something you want to talk to me about."
I nodded, sitting down on his back porch. The man had a nice setup, right on the beach. He had transferred from Virginia back to San Diego. He said he was getting out of the military, and in a way, he had. Dan trained dogs for the Navy SEALs now. He helped find them IED sniffers, and the man was damn good at it.
"Yeah, Dan. I just... I'm struggling with a couple of things in my life." I chuckled, realizing that Dan probably had a lot more to deal with than my issues.
"What's up, Shadows?"
"You remember Rae?" I asked, knowing he would. Anyone who knew me from 2003-2011 knew about Rae. She had been my person for way too long.
"Dude, of course." Dan rolled his eyes. "I thought that shit ended six years ago."
"I thought it did too. But the thing is, I'm still very much in love with her. I still want to be with her. I want to marry her and have kids with her. The thing is she's dating someone and they seem to be in love."
He quirked an eyebrow at me. "And?"
"I think I want to be with him too... he's hot as fuck, Dan."
"And you're worried about what kind of perception they will take and what the metal community will say, aren't you? You wish the three of you were back in the military."
I cocked an eyebrow this time. "How did you know he was in the military?"
"Because I know Charlie. Charlie comes and talks to me," Dan said with a smile. "He thinks your hot too."
My dimples spread. "Is Charlie into guys?"
"Dude, uncover your eyes. Relax. It's 2017, jackass. It's not like when we started in the military years ago. Things may not be great for LGBT community just yet, but it's better than it ever has been. You can say your bi, Matt. You are. Don't deny who you are just because you're afraid of others perceptions. If the metal heads turn away from you, is that a community you really want to be in?"
"I guess you're right. Do you think Rae would be into it?"
"Of that I have no doubt," Dan said, punching me in the arm. "Now get the fuck of your soapbox and come drink some beer with me."
Notes
Okay, it's not my longest chapter. I know I've been MIA, but there is just a lot going on in my life, and I keep getting two steps forward and three steps back. I'm okay though y'all. I hope you enjoy.
@BeccaBearSc
Awww thank you!
2/2/19