Coming Home

Jealousy was not an emotion I wore. It was not something I enjoyed on women, and it wasn't something I ever though I'd see on myself. Jealousy was the emotion of the weak, of the nervous. So the fact that I was jealous of someone Rae hadn't loved in six years was pissing me the fuck off.

Seeing those two interact made me realize exactly what Rae meant when she said they were explosive. What should have been a simple conversation had ignited into a fight. I had almost thought they were going to go to blows. It was insanity.

The more I watched them interact, the more I realized why they were attracted to each other. Rae was the type to engage immediately, to dive in head first. So was Matt. They loved confrontation, thrived on it. They were two Type A personalities trying to interact and each do things their own way. It's why they would never last.

But I also understood why Rae was attracted to the man or had been. Matt was one hot guy, and I had no problem saying that. He had dimples and big muscles and hazel eyes. I think a lot of woman would have wanted him. Hell, if I was a woman, I would want him. So I understood her attraction, but I didn't like it.

"You okay, Charlie?" Rae asked, rubbing my arm.

I stared at her. "Rae, I don't like him."

"Really?" She cocked an eyebrow at me. So much emotion was playing out on her face. It was like she was trying to figure out why I didn't like him. It was simple: I was jealous.

"Babe, I'm jealous."

A chuckle came out of her mouth. "Of him? Charlie, I haven't had an emotion for him in six years that wasn't hatred." She looked down at the ground, and I knew she wasn't telling me the full truth. "I love you. You are it for me."

"Then why did you call me by his nickname?" I had promised myself when I came home that I wouldn't bring it up. But it was eating away at me. It was eating away at me and eating away at me. If she loved me so damn much, why had she called me the wrong name?

Her eyes widened at me. "I... I don't know."

I shook her off my arm. If this conversation was happening then it was really going to happen. We were going to talk about this like adults, not how she and Matt did. "I think you do. Rae, I'm not Matt. You're not going to ignore this and then get mad. Tell me the truth."

Sighing, she sat down on the arm of our couch. "I think I'll always love him. He was my first love, Charlie. He was a man I relied on, especially during my shoulder injury. It was Matt that got that bullet out of me, no matter how many times I blame the injury on him. Matt was the one in the hospital every day with me. He took care of me, and I pushed him away for many reasons, one being that I could feel myself falling in love with him."

Her eyes searched mine. "There's always going to be that history of love with him. It was a different kind of love than the one I feel for you, Charlie. If I'm really being honest with us both, I think I'm still in love with him at the same time I'm in love with you." Rae rubbed a hand over her face and licked her lips. "Maybe it would be best if I'm not in a relationship right now. I'm thirty-four and in love with two different men. Fuck, I thought I was over Matt."

I sighed, my whole body felt weighted down. "So what do you want to do, Rae? I don't see my life without you in it, as my girlfriend or my wife. I want you with me, not him."

"I want to be with you, Charlie. But this part that just will NOT die wants to be with him too." A tear rolled down her cheek. "I don't want to love him, Charlie. I don't want to love him."

Grabbing her, I pulled her to my chest. "We'll work on it, Rae. I'm not letting you out of my life until you demand it. If you don't want to be in a relationship, that's fine. But this is still my place too, and I still want to be with you."

Those big eyes looked up at me. "I want to be with you, Charlie. It's just not fair to you for me to still be in love with him and be in love with you."

"Life isn't fair, Rae. You should know that better than anyone else." I kissed her forehead, still holding her against my chest. "C'est la vie."

Notes

I know it's not the longest update in the world, but I am in a health crisis mode right now. So forgive me, ladies and gents.