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Coming Home

Demons

My heart stuttered in my chest. I hadn't felt this way in almost ten years. This feeling sucked; it was a feeling I never thought I would feel again, not for many, many years to come. And yet, here I was fucking feeling it again. I thought I had felt as bad as I ever could when Jimmy had passed. Boy was I wrong.

People were yelling all around me, but all I could hear was a tunnel. The wind was rushing through my ears. Time was passing so fast and so slow at the same time. My vision was tunneled as well, unable to really focus on what was happening around me. I could only see the one point in front of me. I could only see the blood and pills on the bathroom floor. I could only see the damage he had done.

Someone tugged on my arm, but my eyes just stayed focused on what was on the floor in front of me. Why would someone ever do this? How could someone ever do this? Maybe I understood it to some extent. Some days, I just wanted everything to stop. But... for him to do this? I don't think I would ever understand it.

Finally, I looked up and caught the eyes of my brothers. We had all been there. We all those moments when we felt like we didn't belong and that silence or death would be better. In those days and months and years after Jimmy's death, I always thought that death would be better than dealing with what I was then. I always thought that I would be better if I was just with Jimmy. Who knows what was running through my brain? I knew the only things that helped me through were the music and the boys and Laura.

"Why would he do this?" I asked none of them in particular. I'm sure if they had a clue, they wouldn't have left him alone. Why did we leave him alone? He kept telling us he wasn't feeling like himself. He kept saying therapy only worked some days. He kept telling us, and we had just refused and insisted. Maybe we had pushed him to this?

"Whatever his reason, we cannot blame ourselves our him." Brooks pulled me to him. He was our unproclaimed older brother. Though he and we knew he could never truly fill Jimbo's shoes, he was the closest thing to him.

"Why would he want to die?" Johnny's voice cracked. "Why couldn't he just talk to us?"

I stared at our little short shit. Johnny was always the strongest of us. When Jimmy had died, Johnny had taken it...well not the best, but he had helped all of us. When we were all depressed and bitter, Johnny was the one to cheer us up. He so rarely seemed to have bad days. Seeing him like this was terrifying. Johnny was our rock.

"We won't know until we talk to him." Zacky patted John on the head and then started to clean up the blood covering Matt's floor. "Look, we all know how bad it can get, but the thing is, he stayed in longer than we ever did. He saw things we could never even fathom. Matt is a strong guy, but sometimes the demons eat away at the strongest of people. Sometimes, we can't get the demons to stop. Sometimes, the demons win. They almost won over Matt today."

Brooks joined Zach on the floor, picking up the pills and throwing them in the trash. "The best thing we can do for Matt is be there for him. I know I have my own demons around the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. I know that if I don't mediate and do yoga that those demons will tell me to end it all. Matt is trying to learn how to cope without medicine and without alcohol. It's going to be hard, and he probably won't want to talk about it. But we are his brothers, and Matt needs us just like we need him."

I nodded and grabbed a vacuum to get all the glass. "What if he doesn't want to see us, Brooks?"

His eyes met mine. "He will, Syn. You know how I know?"

The three of us shook our heads.

"Because when I tried to kill myself twelve years ago, all I wanted to do was see my other Green Berets. All I wanted to do was talk to my brothers and let them know it wasn't because of them. They needed that just as much as I did. Matt is a SEAL and a brother through and through... he'll want to see us."

"What if we can't help him?" Johnny's eyes were still glazed over. If he cried, I knew Zach and I would lose it too.

"Honestly, we probably can't." Brooks hugged Johnny gently. "He is the only one who can help himself. But we can help him in other ways. We can be there for him, we can make music with him, and we can treat him as our friend. Matt is our brother."

My breath seemed stuck in my throat. "I don't want life without Shadz."

"None of us want that." Zach's green eyes met mine. His were glassed over just like Johnny's. "We are going to help him."

Johnny stood up and took in a shaky breath. "Let's go see him. Matt is going to wake up and want some friendly faces."
**********************************************************************************************************
Matt looked so small on the bed. Could you imagine that? Matt was one of the biggest names in metal and was always talked about for his physique matching his big name. So seeing him look so little in the hospital bed was harder than seeing him pale and with all kinds of tubes poking out of him.

"He's going to be okay," a nurse said, "They got his stomach pumped. You know he was really lucky that he seemed conscious enough to call 911. No one believes he actually wanted to die. And Dr. Anderson knows his history of PTSD."

I nodded. "So why did he do it?"

"Only he can tell you that, honey. Sometimes the voices from a traumatic experience get so loud that you just want them to be silent for a few moments. Every one has a lapse of judgment."

I shook my head. I don't think what Matt had was a lapse of judgment. I think Matt didn't want to deal with his demons. So much of me wanted to understand where he was coming from, but I never could. My demons were always silenced by Laura or my kids.

It hit me then. Matt didn't have any one other than the four of us to keep his demons at bay. I sat down next to Matt's bed. "Matt, I am here for you. I'm pissed as hell, buddy, but I am here for you. I fucking always will be."

Notes

I hope that this chapter is long enough to make up for the lack of length in the previous ones. I also am going to end my one shots as I have felt I can go as far as I can with those. And I plan on starting another story soon. It probably won't be the sequel to Cold State Line, but it may be something I've had rattling in my brain. Any who, enjoy!

Comments

@BeccaBearSc
Awww thank you!

@BeccaBearSc
Awww thank you!

Worth the wait.

BeccaBearSc BeccaBearSc
2/2/19

@violetshade
Girl, as soon as I know, you'll know! I need to re-read!

Yay! Together again!!!
Although, what the fuck is going on?!