From Mountains to Lone Stars

EARLY MARCH

After hours on the phone with my doctor, they had learned that the cancer had kept spreading and that my body was reacting poorly to the chemo. Matt had stayed on the phone the entire time I had been passed out almost two weeks ago. He was a saint, he really was. And I didn't deserve a man like him. He needed someone who wasn't going to cause him so much worry.

"Maverick, are you listening?" My doctor asked.

"Sorry, I was zoned out, still thinking about how I coughed up blood. Doc, I'm just confused. I know people can react badly to the chemo, in fact most people do, but I haven't heard of someone coughing up blood."

The doctor looked down at my chart. "That's what I was trying to tell you about. We did another screening on you. Alexa, I think it would be best to remove the rest of your uterus and the other ovary. Additionally, the reason you coughed up blood is the cancer has hit part of your stomach. The chemo wasn't designed to target that. We think we need radiation as well."

I stared at my doctor with mouth agape. Radiation and chemo? I tugged a hand through my hair. "What are my chances of survival?"

It wasn't a question I thought I would have to ask. It was another surgery to add to my growing list, it was more radiation and more chemo. I honestly didn't even know if I was going to make it to graduation at this point.

"Well, with more radiation and chemo and surgery to remove the growths, and yes, they are just growths, your chances are near fifty percent."

I pursed my lips. "How much longer do I need the chemo and radiation? When can we schedule surgery?"

"You'll be done with chemo and radiation right before spring break and then surgery will be set just after. Does that work?"

I nodded. "Is there a reason it keeps spreading?"

She shook her head. "Cancer is never something we've fully understood. I can tell you that it's stage three, almost stage four. We can fight this, Alexa." She patted my back and left, handing me the new schedule for my treatments.
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The soft sounds of the Moody Blues floated out of my earphones. My dad had introduced me to them since birth, and they had always been able to make me feel better. But as I sat on my bed, reading over my treatments, all they did was make me feel infinitely sadder.

"Dad," I said into the phone as tears streamed down my face.

"Little darling, what is it?"

"It's stage three cancer, almost stage four. The doctors want to do another surgery and radiation and chemo." Tears poured down my face. I couldn't get any words out without sobs following them.

There was silence for a minute. "I'm calling your mother. I know we don't live together or talk very much anymore, but we are coming to you, little darling. You just rest and go to school if you feel like it, okay?"

"I want to graduate." I sobbed. "I don't want to die, daddy."
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The door to my room opened and Matt walked in. He climbed onto my bed and wrapped me in his big arms. I rolled into his chest and breathed in his scent. I couldn't bare to tell him that I was probably going to die. There was no way I could let him sit through this entire ordeal with me. He deserved better. He deserved someone who could actually be with him.

"Matt." My voice was scratchy from my tears.

His hazel eyes met mine. "Yes, baby?"

"We can't do this anymore." I pushed him away from me. "I can't be in a relationship right now. I can't even function beyond school and work. There's no way I am going to put in effort into something I don't see going anywhere." It was a lie. I knew if I said that I couldn't do it, Matt would fight for this. So a lie was the only way to make him see.

"What are you saying, Alexa?" All I could read was confusion on his face.

"I'm saying we're over, Matt. Please, just leave."

He gently rolled off my bed and stared at my now emaciated body. His eyes were filled with hurt and anger. "Is that how you really feel? After everything we've been through, after you leaving Bruce Hall, you're just telling me we're over?"

"Yes, Matt. I can't do it anymore. I thought maybe we would go somewhere, but I just don't see a future with you."

He stared at me with fists clenched. "I sat with you and held your hair as you puked up your guts. I took you to my concert. I made sure you were okay after you coughed up blood. I WAS YOUR FIRST!"

"It... it's not anything you did. This is just the way I feel."

Matt stared at me, turned on his heel, and slammed my door after him. Tears streamed down my face again. Now I was dying and without someone I was in love with.

Fuck me, I was in love with Matt.

Notes

Am I an asshole yet?