From Mountains to Lone Stars

Matt and I had officially been together since December. Most days, I couldn't keep the fucking smile off my face. I loved being in a relationship with him. Everything we did felt so natural, so real. It was like we could tell each other anything. The other great thing was that we also didn't need to be a couple all the fucking time. While I enjoyed Matt's friends, they were his friends. I didn't need to spend every waking moment with him, and he was okay with that.

"Hey, Mav," Matt said, kissing me on the temple. He had just got back from a work out and then a studio session with the guys. I had broken into his apartment for a real bed to nap on.

"How was the workout and session?" I stretched, my tummy and scars poking out from my shirt. I immediately covered them up. My eyes snapped over to Matt, hoping he didn't see.

It was clear he had by the look in his eyes. His beautiful hazel orbs were staring where my scars had disappeared. He slowly sat down next to me and carefully lifted my shirt off. I tensed up, trying to move away from him. It was only then Matt realized what was happening.

"Shit, Alexis, I'm sorry." He moved like he was going to hug me.

"Don't touch me," I said quietly and stood up. "Don't touch me."

Matt looked taken aback. For as much as we knew about each other, he definitely didn't know everything about me. There were just some things I don't think I could tell him. Matt was a great guy, but if he knew the truth, I don't think he'd want me.

"Alexis, please. I'm sorry. I just... I hadn't seen the scars." He sat in the same place on his couch, watching me curl myself into a ball. "Please, talk to me."

I shook my head. My brain was doing what it did best: obsess. This was a downfall of being a highly functioning person with a genius level IQ and a mild form of OCD. If I told him everything, he would hate me. If I stayed curled into a ball, Matt would only get more worried and freaked out. Then he would still hate me.

"Alexis, I'm starting to freak out a little." Matt stood up, not coming closer to me but also not moving away. I could sense that he wanted to help me how he knew how, physical touch.

"Just sit down, Matt. I'm going to tell you some things that may make you look at me differently. It's not that I've been hiding things; it's just that I don't tell anyone. Not even my best friend knows."

Matt's eyes pierced mine as he sat down. His fingers pressed against his thigh as he waited for me to speak. Knowing Matt's training, I knew he would let me let it all out. And part of me hated that.

"Look, I haven't exactly dated. In high school, I was so focused on graduating and getting out of Reno that dating didn't matter to me. Did I have crushes? Yeah, of course. There was one guy I thought would be my first kiss, but he did not share my feelings, and I thought he was an asshole for a long time. I was also so involved in extracurricular activities that dating was the last thing on my list. I ran track, was taking AP classes, was in a Constitutional debate class, etc. Dating just wasn't high on the list.

"My first year of college, I was determined to get my first kiss. But then I got involved in my classes... it was like high school all over again. I started playing soccer and was so busy making friends and crushing on a guy so much dumber than me that I just didn't even think about that first kiss.

"Last year, all I was thinking about was my first year as an RA and then my two surgeries. I did go on a couple of first dates, but they didn't lead anywhere. Turns out one of the guys I had a HUGE crush on was actually dating someone else. They're engaged now. My bad?

"Last semester, I met a guy for one of my projects in journalism. Obviously, I was dealing with cancer and that's what you guys saw the most. You guys saw the school and cancer girl. I was invested in this guy, Matt. I liked him. He was sweet, smart, and funny. But he was 12 years older than me.

"He stole my first kiss. At the time, I didn't think anything of it. I just thought it was kind of nice. But it was weird, looking back. We kept sort of seeing each other... this was all right before the surgeries. And then one night, we had a sleep over. He kept using my hand to get him off, no matter how many times I pulled it away. He kept trying to finger me, even though I kept saying how badly it hurt. He just wouldn't listen. And I didn't realize what that all meant until the surgery came and went, until I was focusing on you.

"I've always had issues with people touching me, Matt. Ever since my stalker in 11th grade, I hate when people touch me without my permission. But things are different with you. You make me feel safe. And before you ask, yes... I am a virgin."

Matt looked at me, an eyebrow quirked. I could see the wheels in his head turning. He was trying to figure out and process everything I said.

"Alexis, can I touch you?" He asked, nerves clear in his voice.

I nodded and waited for his warm embrace. I smiled as he pulled me to his chest. "I wish you had told me this earlier. It explains so much, Mav. And you do know that fucker sexually assaulted you, right?"

I nodded again, waiting for him to respond to the last part. "And Mav, I don't fucking care if you're a virgin. If I'm your first, your last, or not even in there, I just want you to be comfortable."

Notes

Okay, so a lot of that chapter came from my own life. I didn't get my first kiss until I was 21 and the guy was 12 years older than me. It took me literally a year before I realized the guy had sexually assaulted me (I still don't see that, but people insist) and I am very touch nervous. I was dating a guy who made me feel very comfortable, but unlike Matt, that guy turned out to be a douche nozzle. ENJOY. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!