Cold State Line

Matt smiled at me gently. He could tell I was still shaking from the encounter with Clay. Though I had never told Matt what all Clay had done, I think he could sense the fear and terror whenever he was around.

No one really knew the full extent of what Clay had done. They knew that we had broken up because he had hit me. But no one, not even my parents, knew the awful thing he had done. I couldn't share with anyone the shame I felt around that. The doctors had told me it wasn't my fault, the police had done the same, but the justice system had failed me, and I was never going to be a mother, not biologically.

It wasn't something I had ever really considered. Being a mother wasn't on my list, not like it was for Anna or Tina. Children never brought out the motherly side of me, not like they did for other women. I had never held appeal in being a mom, but having that fucking choice taken away from me made everything worse.

I looked away from Matt. I didn't want him to see the tears in my eyes over this. He would ask questions because he was a good person. He genuinely cared about me, that I was sure of. And though I didn't want to ruin our friendship, I feared that telling him the extent of what Clay had done would do just that. I still cared for Matt and wanted something more. If he saw all Clay had truly done, I was sure he would leave.

"Haylee, what are you thinking about?" Matt sat down next to me. "You don't look like you feel good."

I could feel the tears forming. "I don't want to talk about it, Matt. I don't want you to look at me differently. Any time someone knows, they tell me the same thing. I get the same damn looks. I don't want those from you."

Matt's brow furrowed. I could sense his confusion and sympathy. I hated sympathy. It wasn't as bad as pity though. I could handle sympathy if it wasn't combined with pity. Pity was the worst, and I really, really didn't want it from Matt.

"You can talk to me, Haylee."

I nodded. I knew that. That's what Anna and Tina said, but I had stayed silent. What would they think of me? My own mother had loved Clay and had been so upset when I told her we broke up. She had yelled at me for hours about letting a good one go. I imagined she would have the same reaction as the justice system if she knew the truth. They would all blame it on me. Everyone blamed it on me.

Matt placed an arm around me, pulling me close to his warm body. "Haylee, I don't like seeing you like this. Is this all because of Clay?"

I gulped. "It's always because of Clay. Matt, he... he really fucked me up. I... I fear that if I tell you what happened, you'll give me that look. I can't take that look from anymore people, especially not you."

"What look?"

"The pity look."

Matt sighed and hugged me, allowing me to bury my head against his chest. "I will never pity you. I just want to better understand why there is so much fear for you. Haylee, I want to protect you, okay?"

Sniffing, I nodded my head. "Clay... he abused me a lot. It started with hitting and kicking. Eventually, it escalated to rape. God, Matt he raped me more times than I can count. I lied to everyone about the injuries. They all thought I was a klutz. And it wasn't like I could go to the police, his father is a judge. Really, the judge. But then it got worse."

I stopped talking. I couldn't say anymore. What was I supposed to say? My whole body didn't even want to move away from the protection of his arms. If Matt knew, then it was more real. If Matt knew, we would never be the same. If Matt knew, it meant I was broken.

"Haylee, is there more?"

I nodded. "I don't want to say, Matt."

Matt nodded and pulled me even closer to him. I didn't think that was possible, to be honest. But I still didn't want to tell him.

"You don't have to Haylee, you don't have to.

Notes

Another short update but only because Gunslingers had such a long one!