Take Me Back to Start

Brian’s head was racing and he couldn’t lay still anymore. For the last hour, he tried to nap with Jolie, but he couldn’t get the text out of his head. She was leaving again. She was going to by a bus ticket to go back to that asshole without saying anything to anyone else. It felt like a repeat of history and he couldn’t deal with that again. Finally, he crawled out of the bed muttering under his breath as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Hmm…Brian?” Jolie’s tiny voice whispered. Her eyes were still closed, but her face was scrunched a little. She rubbed her eyes a bit waking up. Brian stood frozen next to the bed not sure what to say at all. He didn’t want to seem like a snoop, but he also couldn’t let her leave again.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Brian accused her without thinking. The words just spilled out of his mouth. He ran his hands through his hair again and looked up at the ceiling. “When did you plan on telling us you were going back to that fucking jackass? Is he forcing you to go back?” he pushed figuring he was already in deep.

Jolie felt completely caught off guard and slowly started to sit up trying to get her head on straight. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said for lack of a better excuse. She had no clue how he figured out what was going on at all.

“I’m not fucking stupid. Don’t act like I am. I’m sick of this. We’ve all been playing by your rules since you got back. Matt chewed us all out the first time he ran into you warning not to push you, but I’m sick of this. What the hell happened to you?” Brian snapped.

Jolie cringed right away when Brian started going off at her. She pulled her knees up to her chest instantly wrapped her arms around her knees. Instead of answering, she dropped her head and remained silent. Whenever Alex yelled at her, she just stayed quiet. She learned quickly that if she tried to argue or even explain, he just got more upset.

It only took minutes for Brian to suddenly realize what he had done. He could see the way that Jolie sunk into herself and he felt incredibly guilty. He never meant to make her feel like that. Very slowly, he walked around to her side of the bed sitting next to her. “I’m sorry,” he said in a much gentler tone, “I’m not being considerate right now. Fuck, I’m sorry. I just…I want to help you, okay? I don’t know what the best way to do that is. I hate knowing you’ve been hurt and I sure as hell don’t want to hurt you more.”

A couple of tears started to fall from Jolie’s eyes. She couldn’t deny that Brian’s obvious concern made her feel loved. It was sweet, but she had no clue how to explain how she felt. “I don’t need help, Brian. I love Alex. I…I don’t know what else to tell you,” she whispered barely loud enough for him to even hear her. Hearing how much she loved Alex made Brian’s stomach drop more than before.

“I can…I understand that you love him. That’s something you can’t help, but what you can do is look out for yourself. If he hurts you, that’s not love, okay? You need to tell me if he does. I’ll help you, but I can’t help if you won’t tell me anything,” Brian tried to push a bit more forcing himself to sound okay himself.

Jolie shook her head immediately. “He…he loves me, I know he does. I don’t need help...I think you should leave. I need some time by myself,” she said gently trying not to hurt Brian more than she figured she already was. She couldn’t remember a time in their lives that she lied to him so much.

Brian just nodded his head and slowly stood up heading to the door. “If you change your mind and want to talk, I’m around,” he gently added before actually leaving.

For the next couple of days, Jolie kept herself locked up in her room. Scott tried to insist she come out, but she would lie to him saying she didn’t feel well. She knew that it was likely that Brian told Scott exactly what happened, but she didn’t care. When everyone else would text or call, she would ignore it. Meanwhile, she bought her bus ticket and packed her things up again. She sent a quick text to Alex letting him know the ticket was bought and she’d be home in a couple of days.

Finally, Jimmy called practically begging Jolie to come to their recording session in the studio. Knowing she would be leaving soon, she reluctantly agreed. He cheered and made sure to text the address. Jolie made sure to make herself look decent by fixing up her make-up before heading over to the studio. She awkwardly let herself in and follow the sound of the music. She found Val curled up on a couch next to Johnny chatting softly. Zacky was in the kitchen area looking through the refrigerator. Brian was sitting in a rolling chair a bit off from the rest strumming mindlessly on his guitar. Last, Jimmy was in the studio as Matt helped record.

“You made it!” Johnny cried out interrupting the conversation he had been having. Val perked up her head with a large, welcoming smile. Jimmy started shouting from the booth and Matt laughed waving. Zacky pulled his head out of the fridge to say hello and plopped down on another couch with a gesture to sit with him. Jolie looked over to Brian who barely even looked up from his guitar. She bit her lip knowing she deserved the cold greeting and sat down next to Zacky.

The guys would switch in and out of the booth while also shouting out opinions about songs. They didn’t have all of their tracks written yet, but they had been eager to get in the studio. Jolie loved to listen to the way they created music. It had always been something she admired. As she got more comfortable, she even found herself calling over to Matt giving a couple of suggestions. Each time, Matt would give her a dimpled smile before getting back to work.

Valary sat up on the couch leaning over to Jolie to whisper with her. She wanted to know about Zacky’s date the other day. Jolie had gotten an update so she easily shared with Val. The two girls sat around giggling making the guys all smile.

Meanwhile, Brian couldn’t focus on anything. The session was pretty much useless for him. He couldn’t play anything with Jolie on his mind. Finally, he banged his hands against the desk and shoved his guitar off his lap. He barked over at Johnny asking for a notebook. The younger man threw one over and Brian buried his head in his notebook writing down his thoughts. After a while, Brian threw the notebook on the desk before stalking out to have a cigarette to cool himself down.

Matt turned to everyone stretching. “On that note, maybe we should stop for the day. We made a lot of progress and Gates is clearly not in the right headspace to get anything else done today,” he offered. The rest of the guys all agreed and started to pack up.
Suddenly, Brian came back into the studio in a huff. “I can’t keep it a secret, fuck. I’m sorry. It’s fucking killing me,” he rambled quickly staring right at Jolie, “I have to know. Is the only reason you came today just to say goodbye? You’ve got your bus ticket, don’t you?”

Everyone in the room completely froze glancing between Brian and Jolie. They had no clue what Brian was talking about it, but one thing was clear. Jolie must be planning to leave. She looked down at her feet and started to nervously rub her arm. “Yes, that’s why I came,” she said being entirely truthful. The rest of the guys were shocked.

Jimmy instantly fell onto his knees by Jolie’s side. “You can’t leave, Knife Girl! We just got you back! I was planning on adventures! What’s the Knife Master without his Knife Girl! You’re happy here, aren’t you?” he started to plead right away. Jolie wouldn’t look at the tall man knowing that would make her feel even worse.

“Don’t bother, Jimmy. She made up her mind a long time ago. When she came back, she never intended on staying. She was buying time to get back to the man she knows will kill her, but still intends on defending him until that day. Isn’t that right, Jo?” Brian counters quickly.

Matt instantly steps over to Brian putting an arm around him just for Brian to shove it away. “You need to cool down, man. Stop taking your anger out on her. She’s been through enough,” he tried to gently take control of the situation, but Brian was having none of it.

“Shut up, Matt. You’ll let her run away. You defend her without even thinking. Don’t you see what’s happening? She’s going to go back to Alex and then she won’t come back. She’s never coming back to us. Three years is going to feel like nothing. He’ll never let her ever come back here,” Brian insisted. The anger that had originally consumed him was melting away and his voice started to crack at the end of his rant.

Jolie finally spoke up softly. “Alex doesn’t control me. I told you he didn’t do anything wrong,” she blindly defended the man.

Zacky cringed getting into the argument. “You defend Alex without even thinking. We all know he hurt you, Jo. Why the hell else were you in the hospital? You can’t explain those injuries away with some kind of excuse like you fell down the stairs,” he tried to talk some sense into Jolie, but it made no difference.

“You don’t deserve that kind of treatment. You deserve someone who actually loves and respects you. We aren’t trying to upset you; we just want what’s best for you,” Johnny added trying to back up Zacky.

“You guys don’t get it. Alex loves me even though I don’t deserve it! He’s too good for me, but still gives me the time of day. He spoils me and all I do is hurt him. See? He doesn’t hurt me! I hurt him, all the time! I make him worry and I’m always sloppy and…and…” Jolie started rambling. Her words got faster as she kept going and her heartbeat picked up with it. She cringed a little bit grabbing at her chest and crunch in on herself. She could feel the heavy weight on her chest and she couldn’t catch her breath anymore.

Val was the first to realize what was going on. “Everyone, back off, she’s having a panic attack,” she snapped right away gesturing for the guys to move away. Matt came right up to Jolie leaning down about eye level. He put her hand on his chest and tried to ground her. He whispered soft words of comfort and reminded her where she was. It took some time, but she finally started to regain control over her emotions and started apologizing profusely. Val just gently pulled her into a hug and whispered sweet words to her.

Jolie pulled herself away with tearful eyes before looking around a final time. “I…please don’t call me. This is goodbye,” she said a final time before rushing out of the studio.

Notes

Um, please don't hate me. I know everything is super frustrating right now, but it will get better. I have a plan, promise! Let me know what you guys think! Thank you for the feedback :)