Take Me Back to Start

Matt pulled into the Nickelson home. Scott’s car was in the driveway. Matt knew that he was waiting anxiously for Jolie’s return since he sent the older man a text explaining what was going on hours ago. Jolie stayed in the passenger seat and fearfully looked over at Matt. She grabbed his hand in hers looking up with pleading eyes. “You’re going to make sure I don’t go back, right? I don’t...I don’t trust myself,” she asked in a little voice.

Giving Jolie’s hand a small squeeze, Matt nodded his head and smiled. “We’re in this together. I got your back,” he promised, “And we’ll work until you have that trust back.” She gave him a final smile before climbing out of the car. He helped her bring her bags inside, but left figuring the father and daughter should have time by themselves.

When Jolie saw her dad inside the house, she nearly broke right there. His eyes were full of love and concern instead of hurt or anger. She didn’t understand how he could look at her like that. “Daddy…I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have ever left. I probably hurt you and I didn’t mean to. I’m not right in the head. I’m not...” her voice cracked a bit as she stood a good distance from him.

Scott looked over his daughter seeing how she was in much worse shape than he had ever seen her. This time she didn’t have any make-up on. There was no hiding the bruises that littered not only her face, but rest of her body. Her wrist was in a small cast and he could see the way she defensively kept a hand near her ribs. Matt had told him that two of them were broken. She seemed smaller than ever before and so much more vulnerable. His heart broke at her words. He took a couple of steps closer shaking his head.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. This isn’t your fault and I’m not mad. Alex hurt you. He did more than just physically hurt you. We’re going to work on it this time around. When you want to talk about it, we will. Whatever you need, we’re going to get for you. It’s not just you and me. We got a whole support system to back you up. Matt, Jimmy, Johnny, Zacky, Brian, Val, the Haners, the Sanders, and the Bakers all said they’ll help. You’ve got your family here,” Scott promised as he quickly ranted.

Jolie felt tears build up in her eyes when her father mentioned all the people that wanted to help. She never felt so loved. In the last three years, she felt so isolated and alone. To have so many people that were willing to deal with her problems touched her deeper than she could ever fully explain. “I don’t deserve any of their help,” she mumbled still having doubts.

Finally, Scott gently pulled his daughter into his arms. “You do deserve it. I don’t know what the hell bullshit Alex fed to you, but you deserve the world. We all care about you and we’re going to help you no matter what,” he insisted. Jolie just buried her face into his chest and let herself cry. Now she just had to accept the help.

It took some time, but Jolie started to settle into the house. It felt big and exposed. She forced herself to unpack her bags, even though a little voice in her head said she would run. When the dark thoughts came, she tried to wish them away, but they still haunted her. She had no clue how to get rid of them, so she tried for distractions.

Scott had to work, which left Jolie on edge. The idea of staying in the house by herself made her feel overwhelmed and nervous. As she told Matt, she didn’t trust herself. On the other hand, she didn’t want to be around everyone yet. She was still scared they would be angry and that she didn’t think she deserved them. All her thoughts were so contradictory that she had trouble settling them. As a resolution, Scott and she decided it would be best if she went over to Papa Gates’s house for the day. McKenna was spending the day with her friends and Suzy had some meetings to attend to.

Jolie drove over to Papa’s house and knocked on the door. When he answered the door, he had a big, goofy grin on his face. “Get the fuck in here, kiddo! It’s good to see you. I guess we’ve got a lot of time to spend together today,” he laughed loudly and stepped aside so she could walk in passed him. He tried to play it off as if the sight of her wasn’t shocking, but couldn’t deny he way that he let his eyes linger for a moment. Today she had make-up to cover up her face, but it couldn’t hide how the rest of her body looked.

First off, Papa tried to feed Jolie some lunch, promising that Suzy had made it. They both knew he wasn’t the best chief in town. After having a bit of food, the pair just sat on the couches together for a while. “Do you want to jam like we used to?” Papa asked seemingly out of nowhere. The Haner residence had always been a musical one. Brian taught himself guitar and Papa toured with bands like Sam the Sham along with doing session work. As McKenna got older, she learned guitar too. While Suzy didn’t know guitar, she had a hell of a voice.

On afternoons where Jolie had to spend the day with the Haners, they would often jam together. Papa Gates and Brian both worked together to teach her guitar, but usually she would just sing along with Suzy. They would improvise on the spot, making up notes and lyrics along the way.

“I don’t think I could jam like I use to. You can play and I’ll see if maybe I come up with something,” Jolie offered.

“You don’t just lose ability like yours. It’s like riding a bike. Let me grab you a guitar. You should at least try to see what you remember,” Papa insisted. After a quick trip to the basement studio, he had two guitars in his hands. Jolie took on gently and situated it in the proper way. Her fingers slowly slid over the strings before she took a pick from Papa Gates. He was already strumming away, playing a random tune he had in his head. She was going to just put the guitar down when she suddenly had an idea. Her fingers started to move naturally, as if she wasn’t even thinking about it. The smile on his face grew when he saw how lost in the music she was.

“Paper, I need paper,” Jolie said out of nowhere. She set the guitar down and went flying into the kitchen looking for a notepad. After sitting back down on the couch, she started jotting some thoughts down.

“Darkness is coming
I can hear the screams
There’s no more running
Nobody can save me
I’m lost in this endless woods
Maybe this is what I deserve
Maybe this is my fate”

After the lines were written down, Jolie dropped the pencil and shoved the notepad away. Along with the phrases were crossed out ones and scribbles. Papa Gates glanced down at the pad and back up to her. He asked if he could read it and she hesitated. She was terrified that he would think she was crazy and realized more of what happened over the past couple of years. There was also nobody else she trusted more with personal pieces like this. With a bit of nervousness clearly in her actions, she slid the notepad over to him before strumming a little more.

Papa Gates looked over the notepad thinking it over a bit before setting it back down. It gave a look into Jolie’s head that she hadn’t allowed anyone to see. He understood that the abuse went deeper than what anyone thought and it wouldn’t be helped easily. She clearly saw herself in a way that nobody else did. He gently placed the notepad back down and smiled.

“You sure you’re more into art than music? You still got it,” he jokingly said trying to make her less self-conscious.

Jolie laughed shaking her head. “I’m positive about that, Papa. I’m no Synyster Gates, even if that was his goal when I started learning.”

“Fucking Junior thinks he’s a rock god,” Papa Gates rolls his eyes and teases, “A lot of girls would have loved to learn to play by Synyster Gates himself though. Aren’t you lucky?”
With a small smirk, Jolie joked right back, “So that’s how he developed his ego. You were feeding it all these years…or maybe he just inherited yours.”

Papa Gates started laughing loudly along with Jolie. The two fell into an easy way of spending time together. It was just like it used to be. It was shocking how normal is felt.

Suzy and McKenna both came home awhile later. They were both ecstatic to see Jolie. McKenna looked up to Jolie as an older sister. Jolie was surprised McKenna even remembered her. When she left three years ago, the younger girl was only six years old, so now she was nine years old. “There was no way to forget you! Brian talks all the time about you, well…there was a little bit when he used to get mad talking about you, but then he started talking again,” she told Jolie without holding back, “I think he might have a crush on you. A boy in my class has a crush on me! He leaves candy in my cubby at school!” Then, McKenna was off telling a new story.

Jolie let McKenna’s words linger in her head, until Suzy asked for help with dinner. Cooking was something that Jolie loved to do and certainly did a lot of when she lived with Alex. He refused to cook just about anything, so she cooked all their meals. She was pretty good thanks to growing up cooking with her mother. Then, when her mother passed, she cooked for her father a lot when he worked all day.

The kitchen felt warm and safe. There was a sense of family as Jolie and Suzy cooked together. The two women could hear Papa Gates and McKenna laughing from the living room. McKenna was telling some story about her friends as Papa Gates helped her practice guitar. In the moment, Jolie was happy. It was something she hoped would stay with her.

Notes

Back in Huntington <3 Some fam moments! Thank you all for your continued support! Reading your comments makes me so happy! I get nervous posting chapters sometimes, but the feedback you all give puts a smile on my face! Hope you guys enjoy!