On Tour

"Everything alright?" Matt asked. His thumb softly grazed her cheek. Karma nodded, then turned away so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes.

What did Elsa and Trey do to me? Why do I feel so ugly all of a sudden?
"Are you sure everything's alright?" he demanded to know, his tone a little harsher than before. "Yes, Matt," she replied. No, nothing's alright, she thought.

Karma resisted the urge to let her tears fall down. It would feel so good to be comforted by him. But it wouldn't change a thing, would it? He'd just tell her she was beautiful, and she wouldn't believe it, simply because it wasn't true in her eyes. And maybe he'd start seeing her the same way she saw herself. Fat and ugly.

"Okay," he said, placing a soft kiss on her cheek as he hugged her from behind. I don't deserve his love, she thought. "I love you," he whispered.

They fell asleep in silence, spooning so Matt wouldn't see Karma cry. When she heard his soft snores, she knew it was safe for her to just let go. Careful not to make any sounds, she let those hot tears finally emerge her eyes.
Some minutes later, she drifted into an easy sleep. The day was exhausting enough. She was totally drained.

When Karma woke up the next day, she felt like she could immediately go back to sleep. She softly pushed away Matt's arms, careful not to wake him up, then she walked into the bathroom on her tiptoes.

Karma stood on the rim of the bath tub so she could see her entire body in the mirror. She pinched her stomach. It wasn't flat enough, but it wasn't extremely squishy either. A couple of weeks on Elsa's diet and she'd be smoking hot. Matt loves me, she thought, I can't be so horrible, right?

Her thighs weren't as large as she thought. Sure, there was some chub on the inside, but nothing you couldn't get rid of. Her arms were too muscular. Karma sighed as she turned the shower extra hot and just stood there for a while, feeling the hot water surround her.

"What a pretty sight," she heard Matt. He was standing in front of the door. "Mind if I join you?" She felt her body tense up. He'd want... right?

"I don't have to," he backpedaled as he sensed her hesitation. "But just so you know I would just... really love to touch you. Doesn't mean we need to fuck... You said you're not feeling up to it and I get it, but please don't avoid all contact... " He seemed almost frustrated. "I love you, and I can make you feel good without sex, or at least I hope so." He let out a nervous chuckle.

Karma took a deep breath. It's not fair to push him away like that. He loves me the way I am, and he respects I don't want to do it now. Can I expect more? "Come here," she whispered, and Matt's face lit up. Karma watched as he disposed of his boxers. To say she was drooling was an understatement. This man is just... Ugh. And he's mine. And I want him to stay mine, she thought.

"You're so beautiful," he said as he entered the shower, almost as if he was sensing how she beat herself up about her shape today. Karma bit her lip. He really thinks so. He really thinks I'm beautiful. "Can I touch you?" he asked. How can he sense that I'm not feeling like being touched? How does he always know what to say?

She nodded, and with that, he stepped under the water with her. His moves were slowly, almost like he wanted to give her a way out if she wanted to. "GOD WOMAN," he shouted and jumped as the hot water hit him, "Are you trying to cook yourself?"

Karma shrugged, then turned the knob so the water would be cooler. In slow motion, Matt reached out for her body. It's alright. He loves me. He thinks I'm perfect. He doesn't have to touch all that fat much longer, she reassured herself when his fingers traced her sides gently.

"I love you," he said. His beautiful hazel eyes locked with hers as his fingers slowly ran up and down her spine. Karma got on her tiptoes and kissed him, involuntarily pressing her breasts against his chest. His lips felt so good against hers.

"Whoa woman," he said with a chuckle as they broke apart, "we said no sex, now be fair and don't give poor wittle Watthew blue balls!" He pretended to pout, and Karma had to laugh.
"Watthew, seriously?" Matt grinned. "Yup, it took me an awkwardly long time to learn how to pronounce the M as a kid."

"Is that why you call yourself M now?" He laughed, "might be, I didn't put much thought into my name." His hands left her back for a second as he reached for the shower gel and poured some of it into his hand.

"I mean, they all have amazing names. Yours is the best, it sounds like an actual first and last name, but then it also makes sense as a sentence. And I just thought, hey I'm a dark guy, my first name's Matt, oh yeah, M Shadows. Used to call myself Matt Sevenfold in the beginning, too." She chuckled.

When he realized he was making her a little better, he went on. "I mean, M Shadows sounds like a fucking... 12 year old made it up! M Shadows. N Lightows! And people keep saying I made it up because I'm the darkest character, which I'm totally not." She laughed again, and it felt freeing.

His hands softly moved against her skin as he washed her body. Karma enjoyed his touch more than she thought she would. It was Matt, after all. He loved her.

His eyes never once left hers, even when he washed her breasts. She chuckled when she felt someone awaken and press against her stomach. "I... That doesn't mean..." Matt stuttered, but she just smiled as she started to wash him, too.

"You're killing me," he complained, but then grinned. But "I'll be fine. I stick to my word."
They finished their intimate shower, and somehow, Karma felt revitalized. It felt good to have him touch her in an innocent way, in a way that was not leading to sex.

As they stepped out of the shower, Matt rubbed her dry with a towel and then tossed her the dress she'd been wanting to wear. "See, wasn't so bad after all," he laughed, "we should do that more often."

She nodded as she put on the red piece of clothing. "We still have an hour until breakfast," Matt said when she finally emerged from the bathroom. He motioned for her to come sit next to him on the bed.

"You've been crying last night," he stated. "Figured you didn't want me to know, but... I did notice." She swallowed, her mood suddenly deteriorating. "You wanna tell me what that was about?" he asked, "Something I said or did? Was it because I tried to sleep with you? I'm not sex monster, Karma," he said, his face almost reproachful.

No, no, no, he got that all wrong. "I mean I did want to, but... I respect it if you're not in the mood, you know that... Just... I didn't know you weren't. You don't have to cry because of that... Am I really so terrible?" No, wait!!!!

"Wait, Matt," she interrupted him, "you got that all wrong. It had nothing to do with you. It's just... You know yesterday was just so stressful and Trey and this coach made me..."

"Sweet mistake! It's my fate! Seek revenge, drenched in sweat. Ugh!" Her phone interrupted their talk.

"One of these days I'm gonna kill you, you know that, right?" she chuckled as she realized that stupid Turbonuts song was still her ringtone.
"Yup?"

“Hey K, it's me," Brian's voice sounded from the phone. Don't fuck this up, Brian. We're good today.
"Yeah, so what's up Bri?" She asked, trying her hardest to sound casual. "Look," he sighed into the device, "I've been meaning to talk to you about that incident yesterday, and I'm really fucking... beating myself up about it."
"What room are you in?" She rolled her eyes, glad Matt was on her opposite side so he didn't see how annoyed she was of Brian.

"I'm sorry, Matt, Brian needs me. Something about the show tonight, I don't know," she said, biting her lip. She hated to lie to him, but there was no harm in meeting up with Brian if she didn't have feelings for him, right?

"Oh really, about the show?" Matt asked. He furrowed his brows as he spoke, obviously not liking the situation.
"Yeah," she said, deciding it was better to stick with it.
"Don't you think he's gonna need me, too? I'm the singer, after all."
"Uh, I think he's gonna tell you later. I'll ask him about it. He requested me," she said curtly. She couldn't take his distrustful looks anymore. Or his questions. Or the lying.

"Alright, come back soon?" She nodded and forced a smile as she left the room, heading over to Brian's room just across the hallway.

He opened the door before she even knocked.
"You look like shit," she blurted out, them pressed her hands to her mouth. Did I really just say that? But it's the truth.
"Yeah, thank you very much, Karma." He pressed a smile, then motioned for her to come inside.

What the fuck did he do in here? She wondered as she saw how trashed the room was. The sheets were ripped open and feathers were everywhere.
"Yeah, had a couple of ladies over," he said with a smug grin as he ran his hand through his hair. You disgust me, Haner, she thought but the acidic voice inside her head then told her, your Matt wasn't any different just some months ago. And it was right.

"Listen, I'll keep it short. I won't be interfering in your relationship anymore. And I'm really sorry I did. I didn't mean to. I lost my shit. Forgive me. But please think about this one thing I have to ask, though I'm not in any position to place demands. I want one last kiss. Doesn't have to be today. But promise me you'll think about it."

What the fuck?
"I... You owe me that. You've lived with me, K. For so long. Please at least think about it."

She was speechless.
"I have nothing to say now. Thanks for backing off." She quickly left the room. It felt good to bring some physical difference between herself and this awkward conversation.

Matt. I have to go back. I have to tell him the truth, and the whole truth. I can't lie to him anymore. It's almost over, but he deserves to know. He's treating me so good, he deserves to know.

"Hey, that was quick," he greeted her with a dimpled grin as soon as she walked through the door.
"Matt, I have to tell you something," she pressed, and his smile faded slowly.
"Is... is it something bad? Are you leaving me? Did something happen?"
"No, trust me. It's not bad. And I love you, why would I leave you?"
"Then what's up?"

"SWEET MISTAKE! IT'S MY FATE!"
The display showed Trey's name, and Karma sighed. I have to take this.
"I'm really sorry, I have to take this real quick."
He nodded.

Trey's voice sounded panicked.
"Karma, where are you?"
"Uh, hotel, why?"

"Did you not read my e-mail yesterday? You were supposed to meet me half an hour ago!" He screamed accusingly. "Dude, I had a show!" Karma retorted.

"I don't care. Get a cab right now. I'll text you the address. You'll be back just in time for tomorrow's interview with the band in Paris. But if you ask me, you'll need to step short of those Avenged interviews, they're a waste of time for you. They can do alone. Anyway, take a cab. NOW! See you."

"Matt, I ..."
"Gotta leave," he completed her sentence.
"Yeah," she replied, uncomfortably shifting from one foot onto the other.

"It's alright," he said, looking as disappointed as the day before. "I'll take care of your luggage," he said, pounding to all her things that were scattered around the room.

"You're the best," she said. Karma grabbed her purse and hastily left the room.
Inside, she heard Matt mumble something, but she was too far away to make out what it was.

Notes

UPDATE!