Strength of the World

“Matt, are you listening?” Fingers snapping in front of my face. Shit, I was zoned out again.

“No, I wasn’t,” I said, “sorry.” I walked to the door. “I’m taking a walk.” Without waiting for a response I left, letting the brisk air hit me. I didn’t even have to think about where I was going at this point, my feet knew where they wanted to take me, so I walked.

I always thought it sucked to live so close to a cemetery, but I’m grateful so I never have to walk that far. I walked down the path toward the oak tree in the middle where I take a right. Two rows to the back, all the way on the left side. I knelt down and let out a shaky breath, rubbing my tattooed hands together. I was so out of place; I was this huge guy covered in tattoos and piercings, taller than average and more muscles than most people, but I was beyond broken.

Almost nothing could change that.

I stared at the gravestones I took my place in front of. One was my dad. Then there was my mom. Their coffins were in the ground, while the empty space next to them was for my sister. I didn’t know when she would fill that spot, but I was still hopeful she never would. When everything went down, we decided it was too soon to give her a stone.

Why am I saying “we”? It’s just me. The guys, too, who are like brothers, but there’s no family left. Just me, Matt.

They’ve been here with me through everything, though, more than most friends would. They sat with me through police questioning that turned out to be useless, because they never found the assholes that killed my parents. Which also meant my sister was still out there with whoever the fuck did it.

My friends, all equally as terrifying as me appearance-wise, even helped me on my own search. We all spent every second looking into different people; parents’ coworkers, estranged family, literally anyone. But every one came up to a dead end. I finally sold the house and moved in with Berry and Jason. Dan still lives with his parents, but he spends 90% of his time with us.

I sat in front of their graves in a daze until my hands started to sting from the cold. I’d been out here for over an hour with only a light jacket. I stood up to leave and, as always, I kissed my hand and touched both stones, then touched the unoccupied ground. I had to find her. I had to.

I headed back to the house before I got caught up in anger. Sometimes I thought the cops gave up too early, but then when I go over my own research, I can understand why they did; there was nothing to go on.

As I walked through the door, I heard hushed voices coming from the living room. I walked in and saw my three best friends sitting in silence. The air felt heavy, like when you’ve walked in on a conversation that was about you and no one knew how to proceed.

“What’s going on?” I asked, standing there awkwardly.

Berry was looking down at his hands as he said it, letting his black hair fall into his face. “We thought of someone else.” Berry was the most determined out of the three to help me, so I was sure it was more him that thought of someone else than it was a group effort.

I swallowed back my sudden hesitance. “Who?”

“Do you remember Patrick?”

I bit my lip ring, thinking. “Yeah, I knocked him on his ass. So?”

“You fucked his reputation, Shads,” Jason, the reasonable one, murmured. “That was only a month or two before…”

“That’s not exactly a reason to murder someone-” I tried saying before Berry cut me off.

“Maybe he wasn’t after them. But you weren’t home,” he exhaled, acting as if that was an idea that he hadn’t wanted to say aloud. As if it were my fault it had to be them that died.

“Did you ever mention him to the police?” Dan piped up, sounding unsure himself.

“No, he didn’t even cross my mind,” I said before remembering something. The last thing Patrick said to me after the fight that ruined his rep.

“I will turn your whole fucking world upside down, Shadows,” he spat, blood covering his shirt. “Just wait.”

“Oh my God,” I said as my heart dropped into my stomach. “I think you’re right.”

“But the police closed the case, how do we get them to reopen it?” Berry asked, unwavering.

“Police aren’t getting into this now,” I said. Every muscle in my body was pulled to its tightest. My fists didn’t loosen when I felt my nails digging into my palms. “I’m going to kill him.”

I took off down the hallway to my bedroom, pulling my safe out from under my bed. The three guys scrambled after me but I blocked them out as I put in the pin to open it.

“Absolutely fucking not, Matt,” Dan said, anxious as I picked up my Glock and checked to see if it was loaded. I put it in my inside jacket pocket and turned to them. Dan almost pissed me off, he was never confident or trusting.

“I’m going,” I said adamantly. “Either you come, or you stay.”

“You’re going to go to prison, do you understand that?” Jason yelled at me. Always so goddamn reasonable.

“If they didn’t, why would I?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. “I won’t get caught. But honestly if I do, I don’t care.”

The three of them glanced at each other, but I could see my suggestion setting in. Only a few seconds went by before Berry nodded.

“Dan, you can borrow one of mine,” he said, turning and walking to his room. We all owned guns, so that wasn’t an issue. The main one on my mind was where Patrick would be right now.

We were silent as we prepared. We changed into all black, beanies and all. We all had one gun on us, and I had a shotgun in the trunk of car that had been my father’s. Once we were in the car and Jason started driving (they knew it was probably a bad idea for me to be driving), Dan spoke up.

“So do we have a plan or…?” he asked.

I chuckled darkly. “Yeah, find him, make him tell me where Valerie is, and kill him.”

“More than that, Shads. Do we even know where he is?” No one said anything for a good minute.

“I know where he lives,” Jason said finally.

“That’s convenient,” Dan said under his breath.

“No one forced you to come,” I snapped. Their hesitance was getting on my nerves.

“We weren’t going to leave you to do this alone,” Berry said. “So Jason, where are we going?”

“12th and Main, the apartment complex on the corner,” Jason said monotonously. “4B.”

“Thank you, Jason,” I said, looking back at him.

He just nodded and looked back out the windshield.

Believe me, I felt horrible for getting them involved, but I was right; no one forced any of them to come. They knew what I wanted to do and they still followed me. I refused to feel guilty for whatever they endured tonight.

The car came to a halt and I was brought back to reality with a jolt in my heart as I stared at the large, red brick apartment complex. We all looked to Jason.

“Yeah,” he said. “That’s it. And his car is here.” We looked at the rusted green Cavalier and my whole body was on fire. I saw red and I needed blood. He was a dead man in my book.
Before I moved an inch, a hand held my shoulder.

“What is the plan?” Dan asked. All three men watched me as I envisioned myself blowing the bastard’s brains out. I knew that couldn’t be the entire thing, though. We needed more.

“We knock,” Berry started, “and Matt says he brought some pot to smooth things over. He’ll let us in and that’s it.”

I nodded along with what he said. “Sounds good.”

None of them moved as I rested my hand on my door’s handle.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jason asked lowly. “This won’t make you any better than him.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I snapped, turning to look at him. “Are you joking? He killed my parents for really no reason other than a goddamn grudge against me. This is completely different from what he did to me. And I guarantee he knows where Valerie is.”

With that I got out of the car, adjusting my jacket so my gun was hidden. I walked to the entrance as I heard the remaining car doors open and shut with footsteps behind me. I opened the door, feeling confidence radiate through my skin. We all walked up the staircase to the fourth floor and Patrick’s apartment was the second one into the yellow wallpapered hallway. I knocked on the door without a second thought to what I was actually doing. It was like I wasn’t Matt anymore; I was someone angrier, more daring. The only thing that reminded me what I was doing was my adrenaline pumping.

The door opened to reveal Patrick, looking just as scummy as I remembered him. His stringy blond hair hung down to his shoulders and the bags under his eyes made him look twenty years older, as if his scrawny body and dirty clothes made it much better. As soon as he saw me I felt the tension ooze through the archway. “What the fuck do you want?” he demanded.

I held my hands up in defense. Despite my pounding heart, I was as calm as can be, and I loved it. “Hey, not looking for a fight,” I said. “But I thought we could kiss and make up.”

“You can kiss my fist, Shadows-”

“We have weed, Pat,” Berry spoke up, sounding pretty calm himself. I was impressed.
Patrick looked from each of us to the other, deliberating. Finally he opened his door wider.

“Then come on in if that’s the case,” he said, backing up to allow us room. I led the way, but my nerves exploded as I saw two more men sitting on the couch with a bottle of Jack on the table in front of them. I bit my lip as I moved aside and I noticed the other guys see them. Dan shot me a nervous glance but I looked away. Patrick walked back over to where he must have been on the couch and sat back, relaxing.

“We have coke, too,” he said, “if you want to join.”

I looked at Jason, trying my hardest to convey urgency. Luckily I’ve been around the guy for years so he knew what I needed. We needed a barricade of some kind. He slowly walked over and stood in front of the door as I leaned on the counter.

“I don’t really want to join where you’re going,” I smirked, pulling my Glock out of the back of my jeans, pointing it directly at Patrick. His eyes widened and the color drained from his face.

“Shadows,” he said as his friends held their hands up like I had only a minute ago. “Let’s talk about this-”

“Yes, let’s,” I said as my guys pulled their guns out to keep aimed on them. I walked around his kitchen counter, grabbing a long, serrated knife out of its wooden holder and set my gun down.

“Tell me where my sister is.”

“Listen, man, I’m sorry-” Patrick started as I walked closer to the couch. Without any hesitation or thought, I brought the blade across his one friend’s throat, slicing through it like butter. Patrick and the other friend yelled, covering their mouths in horror as my own guys stared at me with wide eyes. They didn’t put their guns down, though, and that’s all that mattered. As loyal as they come.

“Jesus Christ, Matt!” his friend said.

I felt a grin creep up on my lips as I stood in front of him, pointing the knife to his chest. “I’m sorry, but do I know you?” I jokingly smacked myself in my forehead with my free hand. “Of course, you helped this asshole over here kill my parents!”

“I had nothing to do with it-” he started but I already grew tired of his excuses. I plunged my knife forward into his stomach and kept his eyes on mine as I watched the blood drain from his face and seemingly onto the floor. I pulled the knife out and he dropped into the puddle that was growing into a lake. I took the few steps over to Patrick so I was only inches from him. He stared at his friend in disbelief.

“Now I’ll ask you again before I cut your hand off,” I growled. “Where is Valerie?”

His eyes slowly ran across the knife, up my arm and to my face. He almost looked too shocked to feel anything. “What does it matter?” he asked. “You’re going to kill me anyway.”

“True,” I said, pointing at him with my free hand, “but I can make it quick if you just tell me.”

“This makes you no better than me,” he said, sounding strong. “You’re a killer.”

I felt Jason’s gaze on my back as Patrick’s words mirrored those he spoke in the car. I knew it was true. I knew that going into this. But Patrick was right: I already killed two people. I might not be any better than him, but I didn’t care. I was avenging my family, and my goal was never to be better than this lowlife, anyway. I was a killer, and I was okay with that.

I watched him, waiting. After a long, silent minute, he read my mind.

“We did it to get you,” he said quietly, void of any emotion. “We were coked up. I didn’t realize what happened until after…” He looked around, his eyes watering as he bit his lip. “We took her and we were going to sell her, but we sobered up and…” The tears spilled over as he wiped his nose. “She was dead, Matt. We don’t remember how. But we buried her out of town.”

I knew it. Or, at least, I had a feeling she was gone, but that didn’t stop my heart from shattering. “Did you do anything to her?” I asked in a murmur.

“Not that I remember,” he whispered. “So kill me. Bring yourself down to my level. I’ve wanted to die ever since.”

I stared at him. I didn’t know what to do. I refused to do anything he wanted, but God, did I want him to burn in hell for what he did to me.

I stepped back, looking to the guys for guidance. They returned my question. I looked to Patrick and let out a long, shaky breath. I decided I didn’t want to be him, so I wouldn’t.

I would kill for good reason.

Notes