This Love, This Game

No! He couldn’t! He couldn’t do this! My heart sunk lower, my chest closing in on itself. No! I swallowed back the tears, refusing to let them fall. The world stopped moving and time stood still. I was frozen in place, stuck in a moment I didn’t want to be a part of.

Why would he do this to me? How could he do this? I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand anything right now. My mind was racing, my breathing laboured. I was stuck – frozen - watching as Jordan’s arms snaked around Zack’s waist, her hands knotting themselves in his hair. My heart shattered as I watched him smirk and lean down, watched him close the gap between the two of them and kiss her.

“Amy?”

“Hmm?” I blinked, unaware that I had spaced out. Blinking some more, I looked away from the scene that would forever be etched in my memory, and turned my attention to Jimmy. My heart

“Are you okay?” his voice was soft, barely above a whisper.

“Y-yeah, I,” I swallowed. “I just need to, uh…”

I trailed off, not sure what I needed. I needed to get out of there, to run away. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I struggled to get up, my body weak from the onslaught of emotions. My skin grazed against the bricks and stung. As I got up, Jimmy sunk into the pool, a let out a surprised yelp.

“Hey! Where are you going?” He called out from behind me, but I ignored him. I just wanted to get out of there. I wanted to go home.

Robotically, I marched over to the discarded pile of towels Matt had dropped earlier and grabbed one. I instantly felt warmer, calmer as I draped the towel over my shoulders. I squeezed my eyes shut and fought back the urge to block my ears with my fingers, trying to drown out the giggles and moans that were harassing my ears.

Furious, I dropped the towel and walked to the backdoor and yanked it open. I wasn’t going to be made a fool of! I wasn’t going to let myself be treated like this! I stepped inside and halted, suddenly confronted with the reality that I had no means of getting home; that I had no idea of my whereabouts.

“Fuck!” I threaded my fingers through my hair and pulled, stomping my feet as I did so. How could I have been so stupid! How could I have let him convince me to come! I knew it! I fucking knew it was a bad idea. But once again, I had refused to listen to my gut! I had pushed my instincts to the back of my mind like the idiot I was. And now look where I was!

I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I couldn’t fight the frustration, the anger, the hurt! How could one stupid boy make me feel so, so… I didn’t know! I took a shaky breath and cleared the fog from my mind. With rapidly blurring eyes, I stalked through the empty, dark house, bumping into whatever furniture barred my way.

I hissed as the corner of a table jabbed into my side, an acute painful sensation spread across the soon-to-be bruised area. Suddenly, the lights were switched on. Squinting, I spun around and grumbled.

“Where are you going, sweetheart?” Brian smirked, his head cocked to the side.

“Home.” I turned my back on him and continued my journey. Finally reaching the front door, I forcefully yanked it open and stepped outside onto the porch, the night sky greeting me.

I hated how rude I had been, but right now I just wanted to go home. I balled my fists. I generally wasn’t a rude person; my father had raised me better. My heart squeezed at the thought of my father. I missed him. I missed his laugh and his hugs and his unbearable life lessons and his stupid dad jokes. I sniffled. I missed him terribly.

I halted and reached out to grab the railing, suddenly needing the support. My heart squeezed and my breathing became shallow. I felt weak. Unable to support myself anymore, I collapsed onto the middle step and leaned my head against the railing. Hot tears streaming down my face.

Breathe.

In and out.

In and out.

I reminded myself. I just needed to breath. Calmly. In and out.

“Amelia?”

I didn’t turn around.

“Amelia!”

Brian trotted down the steps and sat down next to me. I turned away from him, scooting closer into the railing but he didn’t notice. He awkwardly threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him. He was warm, uncomfortably warm and reeked of cigarettes and stale beer.

“Hey, what’s wrong ‘Melia?” his voice was soft and caring but it made my skin crawl.

“N-nothing,” I said through gritted teeth a bit too harshly, struggling to get my breathing under control.

An awkward silence fell between us. I shut my eyes and mentally chided myself for the way I was behaving. Brian had done nothing wrong and I had been – was – rude to him. I inwardly sighed and opened my eyes.

“I’m o-okay,” I added, this time making sure my tone wasn’t harsh. “I just need to go home.”
Brian shrugged. “C’mon then, I’ll take you home,”

He hopped up from the step and offered his hand. I curled my lips inward, realising this was my one and only option of going home and accepted it, allowing him to pull me to my feet and guide me to his car.

Silently, he opened the passenger door and waited for me to get in. I hopped in and nodded ‘thank you’ just as he closed the door behind me. Squinting through the dark, I watched him jog over the front of the car to the driver’s side, open it and hop in.

Brian started the car, revving the engine to life. He had just knocked the car into reverse when a sudden thought hit me. I shifted in my seat to face him, my skin rubbing against the cool leather. “Can you drive?”

Brian doubled back, furrowing his brow in confusion. “Huh?”

“You’ve been drinking,” I stated, wanting to add a ‘duh’ at the end. “Can. You. Drive?”
He cracked up laughing, his hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. I jerked my head back and gawked at him. This wasn’t funny!

“This isn’t funny, Brian!” I mumbled unamused.

“N-no, you’re r-right,” he agreed, struggling to speak through his laughter.

I fell back into my seat and crossed my arms over my chest. I knew I was acting like a rotten child but there was nothing funny about this!

“Relax sweetheart, I know what I’m doing,” Brian smirked and shook his head. He then threw his arm over the back of my seat and turned his head around to look out the back window. His tongue was sticking out at the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on reversing out of his spot.

“Don’t call me that,” I huffed.

“Whatever you say,” he turned back to face the front, his face void of any emotion. Not saying anything else, he punched the car into first and drove off. I sighed and turned my attention to the passing streets, allowing my mind to drift off.

“Where do I go?” Brian’s voice matched his expression. I gulped and gave him the directions to my house.

“Thanks.”

The car was plunged into a deafening silence. I closed my eyes and was immediately assaulted with images of earlier, of Zack and Jordan. I bit my cheek. Nothing made sense. Why would he go out of his way to make me feel special just to do this? Oh God, I didn’t know. I didn’t want this! To feel like this… I just wanted Zack.

“We’re here.”

I nodded and opened the car door.

“Thanks Brian,” I softly smiled at him and hoped out, shutting the car door behind me.

I turned towards the house, my mouth dry and shuddered. Home. At least that’s what I told myself, but deep down I knew it never would truly be home. The word ‘home’ was supposed to evoke feelings of safety and comfort, of love and joy. It was supposed to be a safe-haven from the cruelties of the world… supposed to be. Home was an ever-growing foreign concept to me, and the home I once knew, the one I longed for, no longer existed. Instead, home became a thing of nightmares. A place I longed to run from, to rid myself of. Home became a prison and I became a prisoner, a victim.

I gulped. With a shaking hand, I tugged open the car door, surprising Brian.

“Hey, could you, um,” I hesitated and looked down at my dress, threading a piece of the material between my fingers. “Um could you walk me in?”

I raised my eyes to meet his. Brian raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Silently, he cut off the engine and hoped out. I sighed in relief and closed the passenger door once more. Seconds later he had reappeared next to me. Without thinking, I reached out and grabbed his hand, lacing my fingers with his. Once more Brian raised his eyebrow, this time a small smirk playing on his lips.

Without speaking, we walked towards my house, hand in hand. That nagging feeling to runaway easily forgotten. Brian’s hold was firm, comforting even. I mentally thanked him. The closer we got to the house, the faster my heart sped. My legs trembled, and a cold hand gripped my heart.

“T-thank you,” I whispered to Brian, my voice cracking slightly.

We were standing in front of the front door, staring at each other in awkward silence. Behind us, the house was dark and oddly quiet. I wondered if anyone was still up, if anyone was even home, but I knew better. I knew they had to be home.

“Any time Amelia,” he said softly.

He was just about to turn around and walk back to his car when the front door was violently ripped open and out rushed my mother, a vicious scowl on her face. She glared between Brian and I, her left hand curled around a half empty bottle of vodka.

“A boy Amelia!” She snarled, baring her teeth like a rapid dog. “A fucking boy!”

She lurched forward, knocking Brian out of the way, her free hand grasping for my throat. Forcefully, my body was slammed against a wall, while my mother’s clammy hand wrapped itself around my neck. Her nails painfully dug into my skin as she tightened her grip, her hand squeezing the very breath out of me. My hands shot up and desperately tried to peel her hand off my neck. Hot tears were streaming down my face, my eyes wide, heart racing.

“I’ll teach you to fucking disappear and come home with a boy!” she dropped the bottle and brought her other hand up. “I’ll fucking teach you!”

Her hold tightened even more, applying more and more pressure. An incessant ringing harassed my ears, I could feel the vile rising in my throat, I could feel the burn as my stomach knotted in fear. Please! Please let go! I screamed but no words came out. With rapidly blurring vision, I watched as Brian leaped forward, his hands out stretched.

Everything’s going to be okay. Everything’s okay. I told myself as my body went slack and everything went black. All’s okay.

Notes

A tad bit cliched... but then again, it wouldn't be fanfiction without our beloved cliches. Anyway, leave some love and all that nonsense.

C.H. Sullivan

Title Cred: I Want Nothing - FrnkIero andthe Cellabration