Unholy Confessions

"Stop holding back," Ava said as she stopped playing. The five of us had holed ourselves up in the studio to practice and it wasn't going amazingly.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I groaned, letting my face fall into my hands. "I'm so tired, we've been doing this for hours."

"Because you don't sound right!" Ava responded with a hand on her hip. She was the only one that wasn't afraid to criticize me and I loved her for it.

"Maybe we're not playing the right stuff," Cheyenne said. "Pick something you feel in your heart."

I rolled my eyes. "That's so cheesy-"

"Can we come down yet?" Matt yelled, opening the door.

"No, she sucks!" Ava called back. The men at the top of the staircase busted out laughing.

"What's the issue?" Brian asked, walking down and the guys followed.

We all looked at each other as they got comfortable on the couches.

"She isn't singing right," Hollie said quietly with a smirk. She knew how nervous I got with Brian around; I still wasn't used to him seeing me crazy with the band.

"Play something," Zacky said.

"Ugh!" I grunted but gave in. "I don't know, I guess 'Raised by Wolves'." I named the Falling In Reverse song off the top of my head, but I didn't care.

"I was lost, now I'm found, I'm sustained by the sound-" I tried singing the beginning with Kayla playing with me, but the guys cut us off.

"Bad," Matt said.

"I see it now," Johnny said.

"She's right," Zacky said.

Brian shrugged and gave me an apologetic smile.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, frustrated.

"We get tired, too," Matt said, "but that can't stop you."

"You need to sing songs you're passionate about, or at least act it," Brooks said.

I carefully rubbed my eyes and looked to the girls. They all looked back at me, not saying anything. I looked to the guys and to Brian.

"Okay," I said, smiling and looking back at Kayla. "Play 'Who Knew'."

She started with no issue and I cleared my throat as CC started in on drums.

"You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right," I sang.

The guys watched and I could tell I was doing better by the looks on their faces. Once it was over they clapped except for Brian, who just nodded.

"That was perfect," Matt said, "you need to do that for every song."

"I will," I said, "once I sleep!"

Hollie chuckled and set the guitar on the stand. "Fine, we'll go."

I walked out with them as they all started leaving, standing with Kayla who was the last one.

"I had a question," I said quietly, looking around. I'd been thinking about it for a while, and I finally made up my mind.

"Uh oh," she said smiling. "You're lucky I brought it with me."

"How'd you know?" I asked as she climbed into her car and opened the glove box. She pulled out a pink glass pipe with a baggie.

"You had that air about you," she said. "Where do you wanna do it?"

I looked around again. "Where's good?"

"Hm," she thought. "What about the backyard?"

"I guess, but I'll have to tell Brian I'm going out or something."

"Go do that and I'll set up." She winked at me and ran off toward our gate. I went back inside and found the guys still in the studio.

"I'm actually gonna run out with Kayla really quick," I said, staying in the doorway.

"Where to?" Brian asked. He wasn't suspicious, I could tell that, but I still got a little anxious.

"I guess the store," I said. "She just wanted to hang out alone, she's going through stuff." Perfect, he never asks details about them.

"All right, have fun," he said, smiling.

I turned and walked back outside and followed what would have been Kayla's path. I found her in a corner of the yard, sitting on the ground.

"They won't hear us, right?" I asked, sitting next to her.

"Studio is soundproof, Court," she chuckled. She held out the pipe to me. "So you're gonna hold it with your left hand and cover that little hole with your finger."

"Why?" I asked as I followed her instructions.

"It's called a choke, it restricts or allows airflow. But you do that when you light it, and then let go when you're almost done pulling. Make sense?"

I nodded and took the lighter with my right hand. I did as she said and instantly started coughing.

She patted my back and took the pipe. "No spilling my weed," she said as I stopped. She pulled from it and didn't cough at all.

"Will it always burn?" I asked, taking it back from her.

"No, but you've never smoked before."

I tried again and it went a little better. We sat in silence as we finished it off.

"So what's going on with you and Brian?" she asked as she emptied it and began refilling.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not feeling too different yet.

"Why did Hollie freak at Shrutty's?"

I sighed, looking down. "He's just been jealous and controlling. It's fine."

She looked at me. "What do you mean, 'controlling'?"

I shrugged. "Wants to know where I am, demands things..."

"And?" she prompted.

I bit my lip. "He may have tried choking me."

Her jaw dropped. "Courtney!" she hissed. "Why are you still here?"

"It happens, Kay," I said. "It was a mistake."

"Yeah? What about when it happens again?"

"It won't," I whispered, making eye contact.

She took a long pull from the pipe, staring off in the distance.

"You're marrying him," she reminded me as she exhaled. She handed it to me and I took a pull without saying anything.

"Are you afraid to leave him?" she asked before taking it again.

"No."

"Then why are you with him?"

"Because I love him," I said, watching her inhale. "We've both done really stupid things and he knows he fucked up."

She shook her head. "I just don't want him to hurt you."

I held the pipe in my hand as my head tingled. "He won't."

"Can I ask about how things were?" she asked. "You gave us all the rundown, but I've always wondered about the specifics."

"You and your psychology," I chuckled.

"Well, yeah!"

I took a drag from the pipe, thinking. "Where should I start?"

"When everything started," she said, examining the pipe. "Why didn't you tell anyone when he started doing it?"

I felt a chill run up my spine. I never thought too much about that stuff anymore.

"Because I don't think I really understood it at first," I murmured, watching her empty the bowl. "I was so shocked and confused, I didn't even realize what was happening."

"What about after that?"

"I fought him a lot, obviously," I said. "I screamed and kicked and fought hard. But I still loved him."

"Did you love him like that back then?"

I nodded. "I didn't realize it until later, but yeah, I did. I loved him more than anything. And he loved me."

She put everything on the ground to the side as she thought about it. "Aren't you ever afraid, though?"

"What is there to be afraid of?"

"Like... what if he gets like that again?"

"I told him I'd leave," I said.

"Did he believe you?" she asked.

"Hopefully," I said, "because I wasn't lying."

Neither of us said anything for a little bit.

"What did he do when you fought back?" she whispered.

I remembered the nightmare I had a couple weeks ago and shivered. "Fought harder."

She watched me, and I knew I had to talk about it. I hadn't told anyone before, and honestly, being high is probably the best time to do it.

"One time, I hit him," I breathed. "I hit him hard, right in the face. He started bruising instantly, but it gave me enough time to run and hide."

"But he found you, didn't he?" she asked.

I nodded. "He always did. But he was so angry because I actually tried that time. I tried to get away, and I paid for it." I looked at her, saying, "I couldn't walk right for days."

"How did you do it?" she asked. "How did you survive all of it?"

"Barely did," I muttered. "I really thought I wouldn't make it to 16. I thought if he didn't kill me, I would've done it."

"Do you think he was truly capable of that?"

I shrugged. "He was capable, sure. But I don't know if he would have."

She hesitated. "I think he would have, Courtney."

I didn't say anything.

"I can't believe you went through all that," she said, zipping up the pipe with the weed she still had. "But I'm gonna head out."

"Is it safe to drive?" I asked, alarmed. I wouldn't trust myself behind the wheel; I kept staring at spaces and forgetting what I was thinking.

"For me, yes," she said, standing up. "You, not so much." She watched me for a few seconds before sighing. "I love you, Court."

"I love you too Kay," I said with a small smile.

"Let me know when you wanna do this again. I guess I know what to get you for a wedding gift." She winked and I chuckled.

"Yeah, give me that in front of Brian and watch him freak."

I felt her aura change as soon as I said that. She was going to watch us now after I told her everything.

"Let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you Kayla," I said, and with that she walked out of the yard and to her car. I stayed in the grass for a few more minutes before going back inside, avoiding the guys in case I acted odd.

I changed into PJs and shut the light to the bedroom off before climbing into bed. I was finally relaxed when Brian tapped on the door.

"Hey," he whispered. "When did you get back?"

"I've been back," I said, keeping my eyes shut. It wasn't always easy lying to him, but it was better when he couldn't see my face.

"All right," he said. "I wasn't sure where you were so I wanted to check. I'll be in the studio if you need anything."

His words echoed Kayla's in a way that my veins chilled at the contrast of meanings.

"I will," I murmured, hoping he'd think I was tired.

There was a pause and I wasn't even sure if he was still there until he said, "I love you."

He knew. He knew something was up, but he couldn't figure out what. I knew him way too well.

"I love you, too, Bri," I said, trying to sound as sweet as possible.

I heard him walk away and I was hoping it worked.

I scrolled on Tumblr on my phone as my head went over the conversation I had with Kayla.

I always knew Brian might not be totally safe. That thought has plagued me for years and I never figured out what I was going to do if he proved he wasn't. At least I knew I had my friends in case I was ever in serious trouble, but I also didn't exactly want them involved. If something happened and they were involved, they would never let me go back to him, because let's face it. Of course I would go back to him.

I got annoyed with all the thoughts going through my head, so I took a Xanax and a sleeping pill. The effects of the Xanax took over almost instantly, but the sleeping pill took longer. But the Xanax at least stopped my mind, and that was good enough for me until I did fall asleep.

***

I woke up to the sound of clicking. I recognized it as Brian texting on his phone next to me. I didn't move for a few minutes and just listened to him, almost hoping it would lull me back to sleep. Of course it didn't happen, because the more I focused on his typing, the more awake I became.

"What time is it?" I asked quietly, not wanting to open my eyes.

"Fifteen after ten," he murmured.

"Still too early," I muttered, rolling over away from him to bury my face in my pillow.

"Well, too bad, because we have shit to do," he said, dropping his phone on his lap.

"Like what?" I groaned.

"I didn't want to tell you to freak you out..."

I looked at him with squinted eyes. "Excuse me?"

"Dr. Phil is kinda expecting us."

I shot up and my eyes widened. "What?! When?"

Brian looked at his phone again. "Looks like six hours."

I thought for a second. "He's in Hollywood, it'll take an hour just to get there."

"Then I guess we better get going, huh?"

"Who else knows about this?" I asked, jumping out of bed and grabbing my phone off the charger.

"Everybody," he said in a high voice, meaning he knew I was going to be pissed. I didn't have time for that right now, I had to get ready.

"Jesus Christ, Brian," I grumbled, walking into the bathroom. I turned the water on and stripped within ten seconds, before he even bothered getting out of bed. I sped through bathing and just as I was about to turn the water off, Brian pulled the curtain open and stepped in.

"Fancy meeting you in here," he said, gripping my waist and pulling me against his hard-on.

"You wish," I said, pushing him away lightly and stepping out past him.

"Are you really that mad?" he asked as I wrapped myself up.

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "When was I supposed to prepare?"

"There is no preparing, Courtney. This is our time to be honest about us so we can end the shit going around and the lies."

I rolled my eyes and plugged the blowdryer in to drown him out.

He got the idea that I didn't want to talk as I got ready and he didn't try again until we were in the car driving.

"You said this was a good idea," he said, monotonous.

"Yes, but I would have liked a heads up," I retorted, keeping my attention on my phone.

"There are a lot of things you've done that I would have liked a heads up, but that didn't happen."

"Shut up," I said, already tired of hearing it. He turned the radio up and I stayed on my phone for the duration of the ride. When we got to the studio, he sat in his seat unmoving.

"What's wrong?" I asked, forgetting I was mad.

"I hate it when you're mad at me," he said, looking at me. His eyes were a deeper brown, usually meaning he was really was upset.

"I don't like spontaneous things, you know that," I said quietly.

"I just didn't want you to be worried or anxious."

"I know, and I appreciate that. We'll talk about it later, okay?"

He nodded so we both got out of the car and headed inside, hand in hand. We had about an hour until filming began, which gave the crew time to mess with our faces and hair. It was funny to watch the girls attempt to fix Brian's hair, because some of them obviously just wanted to touch him and he looked extremely uncomfortable.

"Five minutes to show time!" someone yelled and Brian jumped out of the seat. A knock rapped on the opened door.

"Hello!" Dr. Phil greeted us, approaching confidently. He shook both of our hands as he said, "Thank you for coming on the show today, we have a lot of people planning to watch you two."

"I'm just glad we can clear up some things," Brian said.

"I agree," Phil said, "and I just want you two to know that I strictly cover what the viewers want to know along with my medical input, so at no point am I attacking anyone. Some guests tend to think I'm an enemy."

"We understand," I spoke up. "We know people don't necessarily support us, but there's more to the story than most know."

"Which is why we're here today. I'm going to head out to the stage, I'll see you in a bit."

With that he left us and Brian glared at the door.

"He isn't a real doctor," he muttered, earning a chuckle from a crew member by us.

"Brian, stop," I said, squeezing his hand as we walked out to backstage. Phil had started the show with introductions and after he "comes back" from a commercial break, we'll be called out.

"You're okay, right?" he asked, leaning close to me.

"I'm fine," I said, and it was the truth. At least for right now I was okay. Once I get out there, who knows how I'll feel.

"Brian Haner Jr., also known as Avenged Sevenfold's lead guitarist Synyster Gates, is engaged to someone he believed was his sister only a few years ago, but their relationship spans longer than that," Phil said to the audience. "They are both here with us today to discuss their history, relationship, their upcoming wedding, and what the future could hold."

The crowd began applauding as we were given the cue to walk onto the stage.

Notes

What are some questions you'd like Brian and Courtney to answer? What would you like them to discuss?
Thanks for reading as always.