Unholy Confessions

Things became awkward between Brian and me. He wasn't going to apologize, and I was scared to be around him. I spent most of my time in my room, where Brian would walk past every so often to see what I was doing. The house was agonizingly quiet despite having music on almost constantly.

It was the fourth night since our fight and I was in our room getting fresh clothes to sleep in.

"Can you sleep in here tonight?" Brian asked from the bed.

"No," I said simply, shutting my drawer and walking out. I heard him scramble up to follow me.

"We need to talk about this," he said. He followed me into my room and I started changing with my back to him.

"There's nothing to talk about at this point, Brian," I said. "You had your chance to apologize."

"I don't want to apologize!"

"Then we have a problem," I said, turning to him once my shirt was on. I'll wait until he leaves to change my jeans. "You have a problem."

"I slipped up, all right?"

"Are you kidding me?" I yelled. "You act like this is fucking normal for you-"

In a split second, he crossed the room to me, pushing me against the wall with his hand around my throat.

"This is normal for me," he hissed, his face only an inch from mine as I clutched his wrist. "This is what I want to do, this is me."

"You're abusive," I breathed, tears forming in my eyes.

"But you're still fucking here, Courtney," he said.

I stared at him, unsure of what to say. His thumb caressed my jaw.

"I'm not doing this again," I finally said after what felt like hours of standing there, afraid to make the slightest move.

"Yet here we are."

He dropped his hand but didn't move otherwise. Neither did I.

"You would run if you wanted to," he said.

"Maybe I will," I whispered.

"And I'll find you. I always have."

Brian backed away and left the room, but I was too stunned to care about where he went. Maybe our room, maybe the basement, I didn't know. I didn't care.

I walked out after him, straight down the stairs and to the door. I pulled a pair of shoes on and grabbed my keys, inwardly cursing the car for being a gift from Brian in the first place. I stepped out of the house, shutting the door behind me as quietly as I could. I walked quickly to the black Sentra and unlocked the doors, starting it the second my ass hit the seat. I backed out and started driving.

What was I doing? Where was I going to go? I had to go back eventually, but he said he'd find me either way. I didn't know if I wanted him to.

I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket and pulled it out while the light was still red. Brian was calling. I answered it stupidly.

"Fuck off," I said.

"Where the hell are you?" he demanded, sounding winded.

"It's none of your goddamn business," I spat, pressing down on the gas the second the light turned green.

"Courtney, come home," he said calmly. "Please just come-"

"No!" I yelled. "I'm done, Brian! If this is how you're going to be then-"

The next few seconds went by so slow, I noticed every detail.

A horn honking. Metal screeching. Turning around so fast everything blurred around me. Pain in my head and my neck. Black spots in my vision. Screaming. Yelling. Then everything went dark.

I'm not sure how long I was out, because I was sitting on the ground when I heard Brian's voice. But I felt pressure on my head and I was cold.

"Let me through, that's my fiancee!" Brian yelled. As I opened my eyes I saw him rushing toward me. I guess I was overwhelmed, because I started sobbing and I threw my arms around him despite the warnings I received from the paramedics.

"I'm so sorry, Brian," I cried into his shirt.

"Shh, baby, it's okay, everything's fine," he cooed, rubbing my back. "I'm sorry, too, everything is okay."

I pulled back to look at him and could see in his eyes how sorry he really was for everything that was going on. The paramedic was talking to him but I didn't hear a word of it besides "concussion" and "hospital."

"I'm not going to the hospital," I interjected.

"Babe, you need to," Brian said, holding my hand and looking over his shoulder at the other car. Besides a minor dent in the front bumper, you couldn't even tell it was in an accident. My car, on the other hand, was totaled.

"No," I said, looking at the paramedic. "I'm not going."

"Then you'll have to go to the doctor tomorrow first thing," he told Brian.

Brian nodded. "I'll take her."

They continued talking as I zoned out and shut my eyes.

Brian shook my shoulder. "None of that."

"Screw you, I'm tired," I said. The paramedic chuckled as he got up and walked back to the ambulance.

"What exactly happened?" Brian asked.

"I don't remember," I said.

I heard another voice but I didn't care enough to pay attention. The swapping of insurance information occurred, and then Brian was leading me to his SUV as my car got taken away.

"Wait, my phone," I said, turning back.

Brian caught my hand. "I got it babe, I already told you that."

"Oh," I said quietly, getting into his car and resting my head against the window. It was pounding and I just wanted to go home.

"You're definitely sleeping with me tonight," he said, climbing in and starting the engine.

"Jesus Brian, I'm injured, not drunk," I said with a smirk. I felt his eyes on me.

"Lucky me, your sarcasm wasn't hurt," he said with a small smile.

"Lucky you."

The rest of the ride was silent and I instantly went to our room when we got home. Brian helped me into bed, laying next to me once I was settled.

"I'm sorry I fucked up the car," I said as he pulled me against him.

"It's fine baby, as long as you're not fucked up," he chuckled.

"We're way past that, Bri."

"Funny," he said against my hair. "Don't run off like that again."

"You asked for it," I said, but I fell asleep before I heard his answer.

***

It was a long night for both of us since Brian had to wake me up every two hours because of the concussion. He set alarms which woke us both up and by six in the morning, I could tell he was annoyed by how little sleep he was getting.

"Brian, I'm fine," I told him. "Stay asleep."

"No," he whispered, already back asleep. "I can't lose you again."

He turned over and I smiled to myself. We had the most dysfunctional relationship, but it was truer than any other.

When I woke back up, it was almost noon and I was alone. I heard the TV downstairs and smelled food and I was starving. I climbed out, realizing I was still dressed from last night jeans and a T-shirt of Brian's. I looked at myself in the mirror, remembering everything that has been going on.

"Hey," a voice came from the doorway.

I met Brian's gaze in the mirror. "Hey."

"I was getting worried."

"I'm okay."

"How's your head?" he asked, his voice strained.

"Hurts a little." My hands were still resting the hem of the shirt.

"You don't want to wear my shirt, do you?" he asked quietly.

"It's not that," I whispered.

"I know you're still mad-"

"I'm not," I cut him off, turning to him.

"Yes, you are," he said. "I know you, Court. I made us lunch, and I would like for us to sit down and talk about it."

I studied his face, noticing a change from yesterday. He looked slightly paler and he had dark circles under his eyes. I could tell from where I stood that his usually bright chocolate eyes were dull.

"Please," he whispered.

I nodded. "Let me change out of these jeans and I'll be down."

"Okay." He gave me a small smile, but I could tell it was forced.

As he turned around and went back downstairs, I pulled a pair of sweatpants out of a drawer and put those on in place of the denim. I walked slowly downstairs, seeing him set the table.

"You're going all out, aren't you?" I asked as he saw me and pulled out a chair for me.

"Because it's been a while since we did this," he said, taking my plate back into the kitchen. He continued, saying, "With everything going on with the new album, all the promotion and events along with you focusing on your work, we haven't spent time together."

"We watched movies yesterday," I said as he placed the plate back in front of me along with two Advil and a glass of water. "Brian, I hate water."

"I know, but it's what you should drink right now. Try to stay away from soda and beer today." He sat down with his own plate in the chair diagonally from me.

"So what exactly am I eating?" I asked, eyeing the plate. It was simple, but two of my favorite things: Potatoes and grilled cheese. He even cut the sandwich into four pieces, exactly how I liked it.

"Skillet potatoes and grilled cheese, obviously," Brian said with a smile.

"And why?" I asked.

"Pretty sure I already explained that," Brian said with a mouthful of potatoes.

"Tell me the real reason," I said.

He watched me as he chewed, then spoke once he swallowed. "I'll tell you after you start eating my delicious meal."

I rolled my eyes but smiled as I dug in. Like I said, I was starving. I didn't remember eating anything yesterday, but that could've been due to the concussion.

He was done by the time I was only halfway through.

"You can talk while I finish," I said.

He sighed. "I suppose," he said, drawing out the last part, making me smile at his jokingly annoyed tone. His face suddenly turned a little more serious. "I wanted to say I'm unbelievably, immensely, incredibly sorry."

"That's a lot of adverbs," I said.

"Cute," he said, narrowing his eyes with a grin. "But really. I've just been having a hard time lately and I took it out on you. I used you to..." He paused as he thought of how to word it. "I used you to regain control, I guess."

"What do you mean?" I asked, feeling full so I laid my fork down.

"It kind of hit me on your birthday that I'm getting older."

"I still don't get it."

He let out a breath and looked up toward the ceiling for about a minute before returning his gaze to me. "Follow me here, okay?"

I nodded.

"You turned 21, and that's great of course. Then I found the gray hair, which you know freaked me the fuck out. Then I realized we released our first album 15 years ago when we were just out of high school. I couldn't stop time or slow it down or anything."

"Okay," I said. "Are you having a midlife crisis then?"

"Not quite," he said. "I'm just terrified that you're going to realize all of this, too."

"I do, Brian. But I feel like I saw all of that years ago when it was illegal for us to be together, when I was still a minor. I never saw you as old, I just saw you as older."

His voice became much quieter. "Courtney, you're still going to be in your twenties when I turn 40. That doesn't affect you at all?"

I shrugged. "Honestly, I never thought of it that way. But if I loved you when you turned 30 and I was 16, I don't see how it would be much different."

He nodded, considering that."True. That sounds a little worse, doesn't it?"

"That sounds a little illegal, Brian."

He chuckled. "More like a lot illegal."

"Seriously," I said. "After everything we've been through and done..." I took his hand that was on the table and said, "After everything you've done, do you really think age matters to me?"

He squeezed. "I guess not."

"So," I said, "that's why you've said and done everything these past few days?"

He nodded again. "Yes. And like I said, I'm really sorry. I know that probably doesn't make up for it-"

"The fact that you told me what was going on is enough for me," I said. "But you need to start telling me these thingsbefore something happens."

"I will. I promise."

I leaned forward and kissed him. I felt him smile under my lips.

"I missed that," he said as I pulled away.

"I did, too," I said, smiling and breathing fully for the first time in a week. I looked back down at my plate. "But you know what really sold me?"

"What?" he asked, confused.

"You remembered to cut my grilled cheese down the middle and across instead of diagonally."

"When haven't I?" he asked, already sounding guilty.

"Always! Especially when I was little!"

He started laughing. "You would get so mad, but I would offer to make you another one and you would say no, what was up with that?"

"Because then you would try to make it up to me all day," I said, smiling wide.

"I spoiled you," he said. "Ever since you were born."

"And I loved you ever since I was born."

He smiled and looked at the clock. "I made you a doctor's appointment for 2:30. You should probably go get ready."

"Do I have to go?" I asked. "I'm fine."

"Yes, you have to go. I need to make sure everything is okay."

"Can't you just trust me?"

"With your health? Absolutely not."

I narrowed my eyes. "Rude."

"Honest, babe," he said. "Now go. I'll clean up."

"Fine," I whined. I walked over to the stairs before his voice stopped me.

"Hey," he said.

I turned around. "I don't have to go?" I asked, smiling.

"You wish," he said. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Bri." I continued up the stairs and to the bathroom, cracking it open behind me. I hated shutting it when it was just us in the house.

I got the water started and undressed, stepping in once the water was hot enough. I washed my hair but while I was washing my body I had the worst itch on my scalp. Rinsing off, I scratched it and felt relieved when it went away. I looked down for a split second and froze.

There was blood in the water around my feet.

I touched my hand back to where the itch was pulled it back into view. My hand was covered in red.

"Brian!" I screamed, keeping my hand on my head. He ran in within seconds.

"What's wrong?" he asked, pulling open the curtain. I pulled my hand away from my head and showed him. His eyes widened as he shut the water off and grabbed my towel off the rack.

"Here," he said, wrapping it around me. I stepped out as he held on to me and had me sit on the toilet. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and switched the flashlight on.

"All right, let me see," he said, pulling my hand away. There was still blood on it, but not as much.

"Jesus Christ," he said. "You have a gash on your fucking scalp, the paramedic didn't tell me that."

"I remember feeling pressure there," I said. "Maybe they didn't think it was that bad once they got the bleeding to stop. It was itchy just now."

"You probably scratched it back open," Brian said, turning his flashlight off and crouching down so he was on my eye level. "Do you feel okay otherwise?"

"Yeah, it just scared me," I said.

"Me too, but that's why we're going to the doctor. She'll check you over, but you need to be honest with her, all right? If something hurts or doesn't feel right, tell her."

"I will," I said.

He cupped my cheek in his hand. "I'll go get your clothes for you. Anything you want in particular?"

I shook my head.

"Okay. I'll be right back." He kissed my forehead before he got up and walked out.

I examined my hand, still stained with blood.

"What are you doing?" Brian asked, pulling me from whatever trance I was in.

I looked at him. "Do you remember the first time I tried killing myself?" I asked.

His face lost color. "Yes. Of course."

"Do you think about it often?"

He looked down before returning his eyes to mine. "A lot more than I'd like."

Notes

Chapter title credit: Green Day
Kinda eventful, lots of stuff going on. Lucky me I work for my friend now at a kiosk in the mall and I can take my computer and write while I "work" lol hence why this update is here already AND I have the next chapter done :) but that won't be up for a few days until I get a head start on the chapter after that. So yeah.
Thanks for reading, don't forget to comment!

PS - I am debating on bringing in some new characters, probably friends for Courtney since she doesn't have any and the wedding is coming up. If you are interested in being a character, send me a message! A name, a bit of background, and some personality should do it. I'm not guaranteeing I'll do it soon or ever, but the offer is there. Okay I'm done hope you enjoyed, comment!