Unholy Confessions

Brian's idea of a fun day together was sitting on the couch all day watching Netflix. I was totally okay with it.

"I don't know, I still think he was innocent," I said, scrolling through the categories. We had passed the documentary series Making A Murderer, prompting us to discuss it all over again considering we binged it when it first got popular however long ago.

"What could they possibly do for a season two, though?" Brian asked. "Like I get they're trying to get it overturned or whatever, but still."

"We're still gonna watch it, so what does it matter?"

"True," he said, pulling me closer to him. "Did you find something yet?"

"I don't know what I'm in the mood for," I said in a whining tone. I switched to the horror section.

"You always look at these, see a few you like, but then say no because they're too scary," Brian said. I could feel him watching me as I smiled.

"Fine, then I'll actually choose one this time." I looked through them as he played a game on his phone. I finally found one and pressed the play button. He looked up to see the title.

"Oh my god, this? Really?" he laughed.

"What's wrong with it?" I asked.

"The Babadook is really scary and a dog dies," he said. I paused it.

"Shit, nevermind then."

I continued searching as I heard Brian's phone vibrate.

"Shit," he hissed under his breath.

I looked at him but before I could say anything, he showed me his phone. It was a text from Matt.

Valary found out.

"About what?" I asked.

Brian stared at me for a few seconds before saying, "You two."

My jaw dropped. "Oh, fuck no."

His phone vibrated again and we both read it.

She left for her sister's house. I'm on my way over.

"All right then," Brian muttered, tossing his phone next to him on the couch. "At least we got in a couple movies."

"Does he really think coming here is a good idea?" I asked as he got up.

"Who knows with him," he said, sounding annoyed. He disappeared into the kitchen and I heard the fridge door open.

We'd gone quite a while without the topic of Matt and me coming up, but any time it did, Brian got into the worst mood. It was so long ago, but Brian couldn't let it go.

"This really isn't fair," I said loud enough for him to hear.

"What isn't?" he called back.

"You always get mad with him," I yelled. A few seconds later he came back into the room with a beer in his hand and a cigarette in the other.

"No I don't," he said.

"Number one, you better not light that in here," I said, to which he narrowed his eyes at me. "And number two, yes you do."

"Only when I have to be reminded of what he did."

"What I did, Brian. It wasn't just him. You can't blame him forever-"

"Watch me," he said lowly.

"You did the same thing to me, Brian," I said quietly. "You always like to forget about that."

"Because it was a fan."

"And what about Michelle?" I asked calmly.

His jaw tensed. "That was different and you know that."

"Brian, do I need to fucking remind you of that night?" I asked, allowing my voice to rise. "I'm so tired of getting into this fight!"

"You need to stop holding it against me!" he yelled.

I fought the inner urge to run. "Then so do you!"

The doorbell rang but neither of us moved. We just glared at each other until Matt rung it again. Brian walked to the door to unlock and open it, but before he did, he turned back to me as he put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it.

"Things were different then," he said, and he went outside with Matt. I heard Matt asking what took so long, but I didn't care enough to hear Brian's answer. I went upstairs into my room and shut the door behind me, locking it.

I hooked my phone up to the stereo and got Spotify going, pressing shuffle and blasting the music. I brought my laptop to the couch so I was more comfortable and did whatever I could to pass the time.

"Courtney, open the goddamn door," I heard Brian yell. He sounded pissed.

I ignored him and continued singing along. I heard the doorknob rattle a little and figured he went and got the key from our room. The door opened and he walked over to me.

"Is this really how you're gonna be?" he asked with his hands on his hips.

"Oh my, my, knock me out again," I sang, holding his stare.

"Keep this shit up and I fucking will," he said, turning and walking to the door. I paused the song.

"Excuse me?" I asked loudly.

He looked back at me and said, "you fucking heard me." He walked out and down the hall as I was frozen. I couldn't move a muscle, I was in shock. I had no idea what to think, I recognized the look in his eyes as the same one he had in that nightmare last night.

I looked at the time and thought about how long I'd been up here. I had no idea if Matt was still downstairs or in the house for that matter.

After staring at my computer wallpaper for a while, I slammed it shut and put it back on my desk. I had so much running through my head, but Brian's words kept echoing through it. I walked slowly out into the hallway and down the stairs to see Brian alone on the couch with the TV on some show. I felt his eyes burning into me as I went into the kitchen to find something to eat before retreating back upstairs. While I was looking in the refrigerator, Brian came up behind me and shut it.

I started to walk away, but he pushed me against the counter and rested his hands on either side of me on the marble.

"What's wrong?" he asked bittersweetly.

"Brian, I'm busy," I said, looking past him.

"No, you're not," he laughed.

"How much have you been drinking?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

I turned to look to the side but he reached up to hold my face so I had to look directly at him.

"Brian, this isn't funny," I said, pushing against him but he didn't budge.

"Who said this was supposed to be funny?" he asked. I pushed again but he grabbed my wrists with the hand that wasn't holding my chin.

"Stop!" I yelled in his face. Both of his grips tightened.

"Don't yell at me," he growled.

I glared at him for a few seconds before I spat at him. The hand that was holding my face went to his cheek to wipe it off.

"Oh, you bitch," he said. I couldn't tell if he sounded angry or surprised. Or both.

"Are you really gonna test me?" he asked, taking my hands apart so each of his held mine. He pinned them back onto the counter and he stood closer to me than before.

"There's nothing to test, Brian," I said, holding my ground.

"We'll see about that," he said with a smirk.

"Yeah? What are you gonna do?" I asked. I realized I was practically taunting him and I clearly wasn't in a position to defend myself at the moment.

"I will fuck your whole world up, sweetheart," he said, his lips hovering by my ear.

"And I'll leave you," I said, "if you don't knock it the hell off right now."

His soft laugh made me shiver. "You would never leave me, Courtney. Everyone knows that."

"Watch me," I said. He pulled back to look me in the eyes, but his were hard as stone.

"That's cute," he said. "Keep threatening me, see what happens."

"I'm not joking," I said, my strong exterior breaking down little by little as fear began to break through. I knew what he was capable of.

"Neither am I."

I tried pulling my hands out but he held on tighter.

"This is who you fell in love with," he reminded me. "Don't act like you hate this, because I know you don't."

"Yes I do," I said strongly.

"Do you hate me?" he asked.

I watched him before I slowly shook my head.

"That's what I thought," he said, stepping back. I held my arms across my chest. His eyes traveled my body for what felt like hours, because I was afraid to move. Finally he turned on his heel and went straight outside, slamming the door shut behind him.

In an instant, I burst into tears and slid down to the floor, shaking.

"What the hell was that?" I whispered to myself, sniffling and wiping my eyes.

Looks like old Brian is back. Better get your running shoes.

"No!" I screamed. "Shut up, no! You're wrong!"

The voices had ceased for a while. They only ever came out at times like this, when I was stressed or upset, but the last time was so long ago. I was so angry at Brian for bringing it back, reminding me how crazy I felt. As if the forever daily pills weren't a reminder.

I went upstairs before Brian came back in. I locked myself in my room, but I didn't care if he would just unlock the door. I didn't care at all, I needed to drown out my thoughts, my memories.

I turned on my anti-Avenged playlist and turned it up loud enough so I wouldn't hear anything else in the house. Thank god our neighbors didn't care.

I sat on the couch and stared at the wall, waiting. I tried to focus only on the music that was playing, but I just kept watching the door. I knew it would open at any point and who knows what kind of Brian would enter.

I pulled out my phone and opened a new text to Matt.

What did you and Brian talk about? I typed. An answer came within a minute.

Val. Didn't he tell you?

The guys were so used to Brian telling me everything, it didn't surprise me that Matt assumed I would know whatever happened already.

I sent, No, he was pretty pissed after you left. Just wondering if you might know why.

My nerves heightened the longer I waited for a response, in part because I didn't want Brian to know I was talking to Matt. Finally my phone vibrated and it looked like Matt wrote me a book.

We talked about us. We talked about everything that happened with Val, and he got mad at me and kicked me out because the conversation turned to if you ever didn't want him anymore. He's paranoid you're going to get bored of him and choose me. He made me leave before I could defend either of us. Let me know if things get out of hand with him, I'll be there in a heartbeat. Love you kid.

I smiled and set my phone down. All I needed was Matt to reassure me that he was here for me and it made me feel better. I may not have felt great, but it stopped my hands from shaking and made breathing a little easier. I turned the music off and shut my eyes, putting real thought into simply breathing evenly.

Brian still hadn't tried coming in. What the hell was he doing? It's been over an hour. He could've drank himself into unconsciousness, which wouldn't be totally horrible at this point.

You want something bad to happen to him? You bitch.

"It's not like that," I muttered, rubbing my eyes.

"Not like what?"

I gasped and looked at the door where Brian was standing.

"Nothing," I said quickly. "It's nothing."

He pursed his lips and looked around before setting his eyes back on me. "Okay."

Neither of us did anything until he turned to leave.

"Really?" I asked, not able to stop myself.

He looked back at me. "What?" he asked tiredly.

"That's all you're gonna say to me?" I asked. "After everything you said earlier, that's it?"

"Yeah, it is," he said. "I have nothing else to say."

"You threatened me," I said exasperatedly. "You scared the living fuck out of me, I thought I was back-" I cut myself off as he just watched.

"What? Back how things used to be?" he asked.

Swallowing my fear, I nodded.

He licked his lips, looking away so I couldn't read his eyes. "Yeah, well... Maybe we are."

Notes

Chapter title credit: Street Drum Corps (highly recommend, give it a listen)
I'm sorry it took so long, I wasn't sure what to do with this. But I think I'm good now.
HEY. HOW ARE Y'ALL LIKING THE NEW ALBUM THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO COME OUT UNTIL DECEMBER? It's pretty rad, I'm loving "Paradigm" (which will most definitely make an appearance probably soon) and "Sunny Disposition" and "God Damn". The last part of the album falls kinda flat for me, it's all so slow. Merh. Whatever, I'll listen to it a few more times and it'll grow on me like HTTK did lol.
Thanks for reading as always, don't forget to comment.