Unholy Confessions

Neither of us said anything as we listened to Matt kick everyone out. Once it was mostly silent, someone knocked on the door.

Matt came in and he still looked pissed.

"Zack and Johnny are in there with him until the cops get here," he said.

"Do we really need to involve them?" I asked in a whisper.

Brian's thumb continued making circles on the back of my hand. "I'm sorry, honey," he said quietly, "but yeah, we do."

I shut my eyes and let out a breath, wishing this was a horrible dream.

"The girls are still here," Matt said. "I wasn't sure if you'd want them to leave, too."

"Do they know?" Brian asked.

Silence followed, so I assumed Matt just nodded in response.

A bang came from down the hall, causing me to jump. Matt left the room without a word, shutting the door behind himself.

"Do you want me to stay when you tell them what happened?" Brian asked.

Instinctively I squeezed his hand. "I need you to stay," I whispered.

He pressed his lips to my hair and said, "of course."

The doorbell rang downstairs and we heard the front door open a couple seconds later. Footsteps up the stairs and then a knock on the door.

"Courtney?" Hollie asked.

"She's in here," Brian answered.

Two police officers came in and Hollie stood in the doorway.

"I'll be downstairs, okay?" she said and I nodded. She disappeared and I looked at the cops.

"He's down the hall," Brian said snidely. "He should be awake by now, please excuse the blood."

The cops exchanged a look before one of them, he looked to be about fifty, left the room. The other officer shut the door and then sat at my desk across from us.

"I'm Officer Bradley," he said, sounding gentle and understanding. He looked to be around Brian's age with brown hair slicked back and black rimmed glasses. He pulled out a notepad and pen.

"I'm Brian, her fiance," Brian said, tightening his arm around me.

"And you're the one that found them?" the officer questioned. Brian nodded, so he turned to me with a sympathetic smile. "Courtney, I'm going to need you to recount the night, including anything prior to the incident that we should know."

I looked up at Brian and he hooked my hair behind my ear.

"I'm here," he said reassuringly.

I turned back to the officer, but I couldn't hold his gaze. Instead I kept my eyes on Brian's hand intertwined with mine.

"I was in the kitchen, getting a drink," I said, "and he made a comment about there being a lot to choose from. He introduced himself and said he'd known Brian for a long time."

"Where do you know him from?" Officer Bradley asked Brian.

"He was one of our crew members a while back," Brian said monotonously.

"Go on, Courtney," the officer said.

I cleared my throat and continued. "Then he said how..." I let out a breath, saying, "he said he knew Brian had good taste, but he hit the jackpot with me."

Brian tensed next to me, but he remained silent.

I went on. "Then he left and I hung out with one of my friends before I came upstairs to use the bathroom." My hands were shaking and the tears started coming all over again. "He pushed me into our room and held me down on the bed and..." I stopped and covered my face with my hands, unable to say it out loud.

"That's when I came in," Brian took over. I nodded to confirm what he was saying.

"And what did you see?" Officer Bradley asked softly.

Brian's voice was barely above a whisper as he said, "He was on top of her with his hand down her jeans."

I looked at Brian and saw how hard he was clenching his teeth. This was hard on all of us, not just me.

"Did he seem drunk or intoxicated by anything?" the officer asked.

I shook my head. "I didn't smell anything... and I didn't taste anything when he kissed me."

Brian ran a hand through his hair before setting it back on my knee.

"Brian, can you think of any reason he might do this? Or was it just a random act?"

"He always seemed like a cool guy," he said quietly.

"He said something else," I said. I knew this might raise more questions, but it was his motive and I had to tell them. I sniffled and finally looked at the cop. "I asked him what he wanted, and he said he wanted to find out why Brian would throw his career away to be with me."

Officer Bradley's eyes furrowed in confusion as Brian let out a breath and rubbed his eyes.

A knock on the door and it opened to reveal the other officer. Along with looking older, he also seemed like he didn't take any shit from anyone and his expression looked disturbed by this whole situation. Or it was the blood in the other room, whichever one.

"How are things in here?" he asked his colleague.

"Looks like attempted rape," Officer Bradley said.

I cringed at the term and the unnamed officer looked at me.

He sighed, saying, "He's claiming you seduced him."

"What?!" I exclaimed. "That's ridiculous!"

The officers exchanged glances.

"And you believe him," Brian said, already sounding pissed at the direction this was going.

The older officer crossed his arms over his chest. "He informed me of the history and nature of your relationship."

"What the hell does that matter?" I demanded. Brian patted my knee but I was seething.

Officer Douche cleared his throat. "We cannot charge him with anything if it cannot be proven that it was not consensual."

I looked at Brian, at a loss for words.

"So what you're saying," Brian concluded, "is that her word means nothing."

"It's all he said, she said," he said. "She had been drinking, she never reported past offenses against her, and he said that is how she wanted it-"

"Excuse me?" I said, cutting him off. "I didn't fucking 'want it' or 'ask for it' just because I was drunk or because it's happened to me before and I didn't stop it back then. I can promise you that his intention was clear, and it was not consensual whatso-fucking-ever."

No one said anything as my words hung in the air. After a minute, Officer Douche rested his hands on his belt, saying, "How are you so sure?"

I stared at him, not believing what he was saying. I stood up, pulling my hand from Brian. I was so tense I thought I was going to explode.

"I have been raped so many times I lost count," I said, surprisingly calm. "You don't forget what it feels like regardless of when it happened or who did it. It feels the same every time, and I felt it with him. Now you either arrest him or get the hell out of my house."

He watched me for a few seconds before he left the room and back down the hall. I sat back down, wringing my hands as my anxiety dissipated.

Officer Bradley read over his notes. He shut it and looked at me. "I'm assuming you don't want to bring to light these past occurrences you spoke of."

"Nope," I said, popping the "p" like I always did when I was upset.

Officer Bradley turned his gaze to Brian, and I knew what was going through his head. It was written all over his face.

Footsteps came down the hall and a bloodied, handcuffed Jason passed followed by the other officer. Officer Bradley stood up, putting his notebook back in his pocket. Brian stood as well, sticking his hand out.

"Thank you for coming out and doing what you could," he said.

The officer shook his hand, saying, "We'll be in touch." And with that, he left as well.

Neither of us moved. Brian's hands rested on his hips and I just stared at the floor.

"Hey," a voice came from the door. Zacky, Johnny, and Matt stood there, looking exhausted.

Brian looked from me to the guys, then back to me. He walked over and knelt down in front of me. "Is it okay if Matt sits with you for a little bit?" he asked.

I nodded and Brian walked out with Zack and Johnny in tow. Matt came in and sat next to me, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees like I was.

"He needed a cigarette," Matt said. "Badly."

"I figured," I murmured.

"Brian did a good job on his face," he said.

I looked at him and saw his small smile revealing his dimples.

I said, "Yeah, I guess he did," and looked back down.

He wrapped his arm around me and I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder.

I let out a shaky breath. "Things were calm for so long."

"I know," he said quietly, and left it at that. We sat in silence until we heard one set of footsteps. Brian came back in alone.

"Everyone left," he said. "I told the girls you would text them tomorrow if you felt up to it."

I nodded.

"I'll clean up the blood before we go to bed-"

"No," I interjected. "I'm not sleeping in there."

"Okay, that's fine," he said. "We'll sleep in here then."

Matt squeezed my shoulder before standing. "I'll be back tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Brian said. They did the half handshake, half hug thing guys do and I heard Brian thank him quietly. Brian sat next to me where Matt was as we heard the front door open and shut.

"I know this is gonna be a stupid question," Brian said, "but are you okay?"

I shook my head, keeping my eyes on the ground.

"You know you can talk to me," he said. "If you want to vent or just talk out your thoughts, I'm here."

"Do you even remember what happened earlier before the party?" I asked, watching with a slight glare.

"Yes, I do," he said.

I waited, but he didn't say anything further.

I slowly shook my head and said, "You're almost as bad as him, do you know that?"

He looked at me unblinking, stunned.

My anger from the day bubbled up to the surface and I couldn't stop myself. "Actually you're worse," I said, acid clear in my tone. "You actually went through with it, and then said you'd change and you really haven't."

"Yes I have," he said.

"Really? Then what the fuck was with that notebook? And how you miss the way things used to be?"

He kept his eyes on me but said nothing. I stood up and walked across the room, my nerves demanding movement.

"Court, I didn't mean it like that-"

"Bullshit!" I yelled, turning back to him. I pointed toward our bedroom and said, "That is how things used to be between us. Exactly what that fucking asshole almost did, but no one saved me from you. No one busted in and pulled you off of me, I just fucking took it."

He watched me as I breathed, attempting to bring my heart rate back down to a normal level.

"Do you feel better now?" he asked softly.

"A little bit," I murmured.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so fucking sorry for everything I've done to you, and I always will be. Everyday I wish I could take it back or make it up to you, but I can't. Earlier I was terrified when I saw you reading the notebook because I really thought that would be the final straw for you. Everyday I wake up and wonder what I'll do that will make you realize you're better off without me. Every. Single. Day."

I sat in my desk chair, processing what he said.

"I know you were avoiding me all night," he said, sounding like a broken shell of the man I loved. "And I was fine with leaving you alone, but then something didn't feel right, hence why I kept texting you. I saw you leave with Kayla so I figured you just needed air or something, but then I saw her alone. She said you went upstairs, but the bathroom was empty." He looked down as he whispered, "I knew something was wrong. I felt it. It was the same feeling I had when you were packing to go with Mom and Dad that weekend."

I stared at him as he wiped his eyes, my heart breaking from seeing him like this.

He spoke again, his voice cracking as he said, "It could have been so much worse, but I'm so angry at myself for not watching you closer or not being there. It's my fault he got as far as he did."

"That's not true, Brian," I whispered.

"Yes it is, Courtney. I'm supposed to protect you, and I failed for the millionth fucking time." He wiped his eyes again as I went over to him, sitting next to him as he looked at me with bloodshot eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said again and I hugged him.

"I'm sorry for everything I said," I told him, resting my cheek on his shoulder.

He took one of my hands and held it. "Don't be."

We stayed like that for a long time, deafening silence saying more than we ever could.

Eventually, he took a deep breath and let it out, looking at me. "I'll set this up so we can go to bed," he suggested, "and you go change."

"My clothes are in our room," I said.

"Shorts and a tanktop?" I nodded and he went to our room to get them for me. I went to the bathroom to take my makeup off, and saw my reflection for the first time tonight. I shuddered at the image.

My cheeks were covered in black and what was still on my eyes was so smeared I looked like a raccoon. I wiped it all off with makeup remover and went back to the office.

Brian had the futon pulled out along with the comforter from my old bed. A small pile of clothes sat on my desk chair.

"Did you want me to step out?" he asked. He already changed into basketball shorts and a black wifebeater. I thought about it before shaking my head. I kept my back to him as I took everything off.

He brought a new set of underwear too, which I didn't even think of asking for but I'm glad he did. I pulled them on with the shorts, and then a muscle shirt of his that smelled like him. It had to be the most relaxing scent to me.

"You're good," I said when I was done.

He looked back at me and smiled sadly. "Feel any better?"

"Fresh clothes always help," I said, sitting on one side of the bed as he turned the light off.

He came over and laid next to me, but he made sure he wasn't too close. We were facing each other as he moved the hair out of my face. I could just barely make out his features from the hallway light.

"Are you comfortable?" he asked.

I thought about it and shrugged.

"What can I do?"

My heart fluttered as I looked at him, knowing I loved him unconditionally and I could never stay mad at him.

"You're really far away," I said.

He smiled as he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me against him. He moved onto his back so I could lay in the crook of his arm with my head on his chest.

"How about now?" he asked softly.

I was more relaxed now than I could be anywhere else at this point. This is where I belonged no matter what happened.

"This is perfect," I whispered before drifting off to sleep.

Notes

Chapter title credit: While She Sleeps ft. Oli Sykes
Coming back to writing and reading more has inspired me all over again to continue this story. I've had more ideas and a much better hold of where I want this to go.Don't forget to comment with opinions or ideas or anything at all, thank you for reading as always.