Unholy Confessions

Brian came back downstairs about ten minutes later right after I finished cleaning up from lunch.

"You missed the fun," I said as he kissed the side of my head.

"I know, what a shame," he said, walking through the other archway to the living room. I followed him out to sit next to him on the couch. After everything the last few days, all I wanted was to be close to him.

"What did they say?" I asked.

"They'll be over later," he said, turning the TV on. "Figured they should give us time alone instead of bombarding us." He flipped through the guide to see what was on and turned on the news. They were discussing the current drug laws, namely marijuana.

"I wish they would just legalize it already," he said.

"Have you ever smoked it?" I asked conversationally.

He glanced at me with a smirk. "Yeah, among other things."

"Recently?"

"Nah, I would've told you."

I nodded, looking back to the TV.

"Have you?" he asked.

"Does it matter?" I asked.

He muted the TV.

Uh oh, looks like you struck a nerve.

Apparently.

"I mean, yeah," he said. "I'd really prefer you didn't."

"Why?"

"It makes people do stupid shit, I would know. I don't care what everyone else does, but I care too much about what you do... Like yeah, I care about your friends but I know Kayla smokes and I know that's her choice."

I shrank back a little in shock. "Kayla? What do you mean?"

He looked somewhat confused himself. "She smokes, I'm assuming you know."

"Well, yeah," I said, "but how do you know?"

"She gets from her brother, and her brother's supplier is the same person Jimmy went to."

I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping. So much about that sentence sounded wrong; how the hell did Brian know Kayla's brother? And the way Jimmy's name came out of his mouth was so nonchalant, and like something I should have known.

"When did you meet him?" I asked.

"He was at your 18th birthday party," Brian said. "He wasn't here for that long but he introduced himself more formally."

"I don't even remember seeing him," I said. "But you don't like smoking at all now?"

He shrugged. "I already killed my brain cells and I know how to handle being high. I don't want to risk your first trip being horrible."

"Can't you just be with me for my first one?" I asked, figuring it was easier to lie about that part instead of the entire situation.

"Courtney," he said, sighing. "I don't know how your medications will react to it and that's dangerous."

A part of me wanted to roll my eyes, but the other part was suddenly worried. I hadn't even thought about that when I did it with Kayla.

"Most are fine, but still-" he started saying, but I cut him off.

"Then why is that a reason?" I asked.

He laughed. "Because I can't risk things with you, babe! I'm overly cautious, but I'm only doing it because I love you."

I narrowed my eyes at him and opened my mouth to say something before the doorbell rang.

"Saved by the bell," Brian said, getting up.

"We'll finish this later!" I called after him. He didn't respond as he opened the door and Zack's voice floated in. The two of them walked into the living room and Zack's face lit up when he saw me.

"Courtney!" he exclaimed, plopping down where Brian had been sitting. "How are you?"

"Hungover," I said with a sheepish grin.

“Yeah, you were downing those bottles in that video,” he chuckled before he saw Brian giving him “the look.”

“Bri,” I said with a hint of caution.

“I have an idea!” Zacky said, changing the subject. “Let’s have a huge party!”

“At your house?” I asked.

Zack scoffed, “Of course not, I mean here.”

I looked at Brian. “I’m down.”

“That means you have to,” Zack said, looking at Brian, also.

“I feel like I’m being attacked right now,” Brian said, narrowing his eyes. “But whatever, I’m just hosting. You guys can organize it and shit.”

Zack was already calling someone as I got up to go take a shower. “Shads! We’re having a fucking blowout!”

“It's not a blowout!” Brian yelled.

I shook my head, laughing to myself as I listened to Zack give a list of alcohols Matt needed to grab before he came over. I grabbed my phone before going into the bathroom and sent a group text to the girls with the plans. By the time I was done with my shower, I had eleven texts from them saying what they would bring, and then I had a text from Kayla outside of the group message.

Can I bring weed?

So I typed back, Absolutely.

***

"This is so dumb," I muttered after a yawn, resting my head on Hollie's shoulder.

"Oh stop, it'll be fun," she said, calm and content as always.

"Are we dressed okay?" Kayla asked, looking at herself in the mirror on the back of the door. We were all in jeans and whatever shirts we thought were "party appropriate".

"I think so, I'm not sure what else we could have worn," I said.

"Do you actually know everyone coming?" Ava asked from next to Hollie.

"Probably not," I said. "I'm sure they all know me, though."

"Darn," Cheyenne whispered with a small smile at my desk, earning a glare from me.

I sighed and stood up, stretching in the process. "I'm gonna go find Brian, see what exactly is happening with tonight."

"I'm taking her clothes if everyone else is dressed nice," Kayla said under her breath as I walked out of the room. I heard him in our room a little bit ago, so I headed there to see what he was up to.

I knocked on the door, but silence followed so I opened it to peek in. No sign of Brian, but I can grab my charger for my phone while I'm here. I got my charger out from the nightstand and went to leave but my foot grazed something cold and metal under the bed.

Since when did we keep things under the bed?

I bent down and pulled out a spiral bound notebook. I opened the notebook and was greeted with a couple random doodles or lines, but came to ink filled pages with more expletives than I ever heard Brian say. I skimmed through as my heart pounded harder with each line I got through.

The floorboard creak caused by weight, the door clicking shut, and Brian's hand grabbing my arm all happened at once.

"What the hell are you doing?" he hissed, pulling the book from my hands and tossing it on the bed.

"Brian, stop-" I managed before he covered my mouth with his hand and pushed me against the wall. I tried pulling his hand off but he just pushed harder against the pressure until I stopped trying.

"How much of it did you read?" he asked quietly, his face only inches from mine. He slowly removed his hand and I let out a few panicked breaths as he adjusted his elbows to rest of either side of my head against the wall.

"What is that?" I whispered.

"It's a journal I've been keeping for therapeutic purposes."

He must have seen my face drop because he looked away before he continued. He knew I understood already what he was going to say.

"I looked around online," he said, "and I've been trying everything. So far, the journal is the only thing that's been helping the... urges."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered as tears formed in my eyes. "I thought we were over this, I thought you were going to be honest with me-"

"I was scared, Courtney!" he said. "If you knew what I've been wanting, you would've left."

"Brian, I would not have left you," I said, "but I'm scared, too."

His stare went from my eyes to my lips as as he brought his hand to rest on my cheek. I took shallow breaths, unsure what he was thinking.

"Sometimes I miss the way things used to be," he whispered.

As I opened my mouth to say something, a knock rapped on the door.

"Brian, you in there?" Matt called through the door.

Brian cleared his throat before answering, "Yeah, I'll be out in a minute."

We both waited silently to be sure Matt was gone before we continued.

"What do we do?" I asked softly.

He sighed, slowly caressing my cheek with his thumb. "That's up to you. I said my piece."

With that, he walked out, shutting the door behind him. I sat on our bed, going over everything that just happened in my head.

***

"I thought this would be more fun," Kayla said. We were on the couch in the living room while the other girls were off... wherever. There had to be at least a hundred people spread out through the first floor of the house and outside.

"Yeah, me too," I muttered, not paying full attention. Brian wouldn't leave my head even though I hadn't seen him in an hour.

Kayla shifted on the couch, turning toward me with bright eyes. "When can we smoke?"

A small smile formed and I said, "I don't think I'm really in the mood to, Kay."

She watched me and her eyes narrowed. "You were fine before, now you're all quiet. Did something happen?"

"Nah," I said, looking around. Still no sight of Brian. "I think I'm just PMSing."

"Ah, got it. Smoking helps with that."

I chuckled. "I'll let you know if I change my mind. I'm gonna go get a drink, though."

I finished whatever was in the cup I already had and made my way through people to the kitchen. I hadn't seen any of the guys in a while, but for once I was glad not to see them. I tried to ignore everyone around me and found the various alcohol bottles that covered the counter.

"Got your pick of the litter," someone said. I turned and looked at the guy standing behind me, waiting for my response.

"I guess I do," I said. "Do I know you?"

He smiled. "Not quite, but I've known Brian for a long time. Surprising that I'm just now meeting you." He stuck his hand out, saying, "I'm Jason."

I shook his hand, not like I had another choice. "And I'm Courtney, but you already knew that."

"Yeah," he said, still holding onto my hand. "I also knew Brian had good taste, but he really hit the jackpot with you."

My cheeks heated up as I pulled my hand back. "Thanks, I guess."

He winked and said, "You're very welcome. I'll see you around." He stepped away, keeping his eyes on me until he reached the doorway, then disappeared.

"Hopefully not," I muttered, turning back to my choices in beverage. I eyed the shot glasses lined up and thought about how this day has gone. I really just wanted it to end already.

"Fuck it," I said, and took three shots of Absolut back to back.

"I did not just see you do that," a woman's voice said.

I rolled my eyes, turning. "Yes, you did," I said to Hollie, crossing my arms over my chest. "It's a party, you're supposed to have fun."

"Yeah, but is that why you're doing it?" she asked, almost sad.

"It is," I said, and with that I walked past her. She reached out for my arm, but I moved it away and continued to the stairs. I went into my room, shutting the door behind me. I collapsed onto the couch with my head in my hands.

Overwhelmed was an understatement, along with uncomfortable and just straight up frustrated. It was nice to be in a quiet room, but it still wasn't completely silent due to everyone right below me.

My phone vibrated in my back pocket after I'd been hiding for a while. It was a text from Brian.

Where are you?

I wasn't about to deal with him coming up here and questioning me. Especially not after earlier, I didn't even want to be alone with him.

A few minutes passed before another text from him came through.

Courtney, answer me.

My head was throbbing and tingly at the same time, feeling heavy the longer I debated on what to do. Another text came less than a minute later.

Courtney, where the fuck are you?

I replied, Bathroom, I didn't feel my phone.

Are you okay?

What a stupid question. I ran my hand through my hair, taking a deep breath. I didn't want to see him, but I knew I couldn't hide from him forever. We both already knew how that would end.

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and went back downstairs, watching for him.

I made it back to Kayla still on the couch undetected. "Let's go smoke."

She jumped up excitedly and we went through the front door since everyone was hanging closer to the back door and flooding into the back yard. I led her to our neighbor's side of the fence, knowing they've been in Florida since before Thanksgiving.

We sat on the grass and Kayla pulled everything out of her bag and filled the bowl, handing it to me with the lighter. We smoked in silence, wanting to hurry before anyone noticed we were both gone.

She was filling it for a third time when I said, "I think a guy tried hitting on me."

"Oh? Do tell," she replied before taking the first hit.

"He knew who I was and said Brian had good taste." A chill ran up my back and goosebumps formed when I remembered the way he looked at me. I took the pipe, continuing to say, "he was really fucking creepy."

"Is it someone Brian actually knows?"

"Yeah, that's what he said." I handed it back to her.

"Are you gonna tell him?"

I shrugged, feeling warmth everywhere in my body.

She finished it off and put everything back in her bag. "We can have more later if you want."

We stood up, me using the fence to lean against. My legs felt weak and my eyesight was shifting. I wasn't sure which drug was causing it, but I didn't care.

We made our way to the backyard, me in much worse shape than her, and she tried helping me walk normally through the back yard. No one seemed to notice us slip in with everyone, so it seemed like we never left. My system was fucked and hers wasn't far off when we bumped into Matt and Zack, literally.

"Oh god," Zack said, smoking a cigarette.

Matt looked us over, amused. "How much have you two been drinking?"

"Not enough," I said, and Kayla busted out laughing which made me start laughing.

Matt looked at Zack, who had an eyebrow raised.

"What should we do?" Zack asked.

Matt shrugged, looking back at us. "They're fine."

Our laughter died down and I sighed.

"I have to pee," I announced, walking toward the house. I heard the guys laughing behind me, but I was more focused on getting upstairs in one piece. I used the wall as a guide and got to the bathroom, but right before I went in I was pushed farther down the hall into Brian's and my room. I stumbled in as the door shut and locked, but I turned around as the light turned on.

"What the hell-" but I stopped myself as I met his eyes, my heart dropping into my stomach and my breath hitching in my throat.

"Where's Brian?" Jason asked with the slightest curl to his lips. He stayed by the door as I backed up, trying to put as much space as possible between us.

"With Matt, I just talked to him," I said, sounding calm to my own ears. Hopefully it actually sounded like that to him.

"That's a lie," he snickered. "I just saw you with him after you and your friend came back from wherever you were. You haven't been with Brian all night."

"Then I have no idea where you were looking, because he was there-"

"No he wasn't, Courtney."

My name coming out of his mouth sounded so wrong, I almost gagged. "What do you want?"

His grin grew, but it wasn't from happiness. "I want to see what is so goddamn great about you that Brian was willing to throw his entire career away," he said, walking toward me.

"Don't you fucking dare come any closer," I said louder than before. I backed into the bed but he got closer.

"You could never fight him off, what makes you think you can stop me?" Before I could react, he grabbed my wrists and pushed me down onto the bed. He was strong, and maybe I could've had a decent chance if I was in my right mind.

He pinned my hands down above my head with one hand as his other worked to unbutton my jeans. I was about to scream before a knock rapped on the door.

"Court? You in there?" Brian called.

Jason covered my mouth and breathed, "Don't say a word." He waited until we heard footsteps retreating.

He shoved his hand down my pants as he pressed his lips to mine. I tried to kick him, scream, anything. Nothing worked and I knew I was helpless.

The door swung open and Jason had no time to move before he was yanked off of me and thrown against the wall. I crawled backward into the middle of the bed as I watched Brian pound his face in. He didn't stop until Jason's face was covered in blood and he was slumped against the wall, unconscious.

Brian looked back at me, his face softening instantly from seething to broken. He came over and held me against his chest as I cried hysterically into his shirt. He kept one arm around me as he pulled his phone out and called someone.

"Matt, you need to get to our room now," he said and threw the phone on the bed.

Seconds later I heard footsteps and the door shut.

"What the fuck happened?" Matt demanded. I couldn't look at him.

"He was trying to..." Brian trailed off as I started crying harder. His arms tightened around me.

"Motherfucker," Matt growled and kicked Jason in his side. He groaned, but didn't move otherwise. "What do we do with him?"

"Besides kill him?" Brian asked, but sighed a couple seconds later. "We need to call the police, but everyone has to go. I'm gonna take her to her room."

"All right, I'll let you know," Matt said.

Brian helped me up and I glanced at Matt as we passed him. He looked just as angry and upset as Brian.

Brian sat me on the couch and shut the door. Coming back over, he wrapped his one arm around me and held my hand with the other. He kissed the side of my head as we leaned back and my head rested on his chest, tears still streaming.

Notes

Chapter title credit: Famous Last Words
Hello... I apologize for the unintentional hiatus this story took. I tried writing so many times and I couldn't, but I really wanted to post something. So I'm sorry if this chapter sucks, but I've been really doubting my writing lately and I felt like there was no point in writing because everything I did sucked. I also had to deal with my declining mental health, so there's that.
But on the bright side, the Avenged Sevenfold concert in May was fucking amazing. I got really good pictures of Syn cos I was in the front row of the pit AND I caught a pick right from Zacky! I'm seeing them again in January LOLOLOL.
Anyways, as always, thank you so much for reading. It really means the world to me that you all enjoy this story.