Learn to Live Another Day

Fuck this goddamn, motherfucking, piece of shit wheelchair. I've only been in it for a week and half but I'm already ready to jump off a cliff….except, I can't walk so I'd just have to roll off it. I should be thankful that I'm only in this thing because of a broken leg and not because of paralysis. But fuck, what I wouldn't do just to walk again, right now. I can't even take a goddamn shower alone. Showers with Beks used to be sexy. It used to be about me washing her back, and kissing her neck and poking her in the ass with my hardon. Now, showering with Beks meant her standing fully clothes beside me, holing me up so I didn't slip. It meant plastic wrapped around my leg. Fuck, I wish she would at least get naked. I mean, let's be honest, even if I did fall it's not like she would be able to hold my dead weight. I would probably take her down with me, and fall on top of her and I'd rather fall on top of her naked form not her clothed form. That would make falling and cracking my skull worth it.

I'm so fucking horny all the goddamn time. And my ass is so fucking numb all the goddamn time. I'm always sitting! Either in the wheelchair, or on the couch or the bed. I'm going to gain so much weight and then Beks really won't be able to hold me up in the shower if I slipped.

I don't sleep anymore. Beks went to the drugstore to see if she could find me some sort of sleeping aid. I hope she can. I'm so fucking tired. I can't sleep because of the cast. It's so hot and uncomfortable and itchy. I just want it off! Why do they even still use casts like these. I feel like an arts and crafts project. Shouldn't there be some sort of new medical technology that zaps your broken bone and mends it in seconds? No one has invented that yet? Seriously?

I glance at the clock on my phone for the millionth time. Beks has been gone for over an hour to go get that sleeping aid. What was taking so fucking long? It always made me nervous when she was gone for long periods of time. I know it's an irrational fear. I know Jake is gone, dead. I know there's no fucking way he can come back and hurt her again. I know but I still worry. I worry all the fucking time about her.

For the first few months after the shooting it was hard for us, for her. Beks was depressed when she woke up in the hospital to find out she had lost the baby. A few days later, Matt and Val welcomed their baby boy into the world and Beks tried her hardest to be happy for them...but even the strongest people have broken moments. For weeks, months, she would smile in Matt and Val's face when it came to baby Jackson and then she would come home and cry and cry and cry. I felt so bad for her. I couldn't imagine what she was going through. Sure, I lost a son or a daughter that day too but...it was different for Beks. She knew long enough to imagine a future with our unborn child. She had hopes, and dreams. My first memory of the baby was being told that there was no longer a baby. My first memory was the doctor telling me there was nothing they could do. It was gone. It was different for Beks. She hurt and hurt and hurt and there was nothing I could do to help her. I hated that.

Beks and I both dealt with post-traumatic stress disorder for months after the shooting. She was constantly waking up from nightmares. There would be nights when I would have to hold her for hours for her to calm down and then there were other nights when she didn't want me to touch her at all. I've woken up with her lashing out at me, hitting me because she thought I was Jake and I've woken up to her calling out my name, terrified even though I was right beside her.
We changed all the locks in the house and then we changed them again. We got security cameras and updated our security system. And we knew Jake was dead, we knew he was gone. But we still changed the locks for a third time; we still changed the code to get in and out of the house on a weekly basis. We still double, triple, quadruple checked every lock in the house before bed. He was gone but his memory still haunted us. It still does, just not as bad.

After the first few months of the shooting I hardly slept. If Beks wasn't waking me up by lashing out, screaming and/or crying because of her nightmares, I was waking myself up to check on her. I was constantly checking to make sure she was still breathing, still alive. After the shooting, I had this irrational fear that she would just die for no reason. You know how parents of a newborn child may check on the baby a millions times a night because of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome? That was me, except instead of my newborn child, it was my girlfriend. Instead of SIDS it was SADS. Sudden Adult Death Syndrome wasn't even a thing until I made it one. I obsessed over it for months. I thought I had lost her once; I wasn't going to allow it to happen again.

Slowly, life started to go back to normal. We both went back to work and with all the unconditional love and support from friends, family and fans we made it though. And now, we're okay...well, for the most part anyway.

But it's now been one and a half hours since she went to the drugstore that was five minutes away. I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, but I can't handle it. The anxiety is crippling and oh, look at that I'm still stuck in this goddamn wheelchair so it works. I'm tempted to call her but I don't want her to freak out or worry. I don't want her to know how much I still worry about her still. I don't want her to think there's any reason to still worry, because there isn't. I'm being stupid. So I don't call her.

Then I hear a car door close. I listen to the steps against the wood of our deck and then I hear the lock click and the automated voice from the security box tells says we has thirty seconds to enter the code before the police are alerted. After a series of beeps I hear the voice say the alarm is disarmed and ready to arm. After another beep the voice announces that the alarm is rearmed. Seconds later, Beks is in my view. A sigh escapes my lips.

"Where have you been?" I ask. There's worry in my voice. I can't help it.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to close my eyes for five seconds."

I look at her confused. Does she mean she...

"Don't look at me like that," Beks snaps. "As if you've never fallen asleep in a parking lot before!"

I haven't unless I was heavily drinking and passed out. I stifle a laugh and then frown. "I've been keeping you awake at night with my constant shuffling." I felt bad. Beks has been taking care of me nonstop for a week and a half, dealing with my mood swings, and she hasn't been sleeping at night because of me.

She gives me a weak smile and plops down on the couch beside me. "It's okay," she says. "Because I've found the strongest sleeping pills sold at the drugstore and I've already got them approved with the doctor."
I grin and take the bottle. Fuck, I'm so tired. I hoped these helped and I couldn't wait to try them out. I glance at the clock. It's only four in the afternoon but I don't care.

"Ready for bed?" I asked Beks.

She gives me a slightly surprised expression. "Seriously?" She cocked an eyebrow at me.
I nod. "I'm exhausted and clearly you are too since you're sleeping in the parking lot like a homeless person."

"Shut up," she laughs and gets off the couch. She brings me the wheelchair and helps me into it. I pull a pill out of the bottle and swallow it with water as she pushes me into our makeshift bedroom in our dining room.

"Stop," she warns, as I try to get out of the wheelchair by myself. She's so strict with this healing stuff, it's got to be the ex-nurse in her coming out. She helps me out of the wheelchair and onto the bed. I pull my shirt from my body, ignoring the insane bruise on my ribs, as Beks walked to her side of the bed and strips down to her tank top and panties.

Fuck. I seriously cannot wait to have sex with her again.

I watch her as she turns out the light and then feel her crawl into bed and curl up to my right side. Beks kisses me softly before saying, "I love you."

"I love you too," I whisper. "Get some sleep."

Beks was asleep in minutes. In the last week I've gotten in the habit of counting her breaths as I waited to drift off to sleep myself. Most nights I got well into the thousands before sleep claimed me but tonight I hoped to fall asleep, and stay asleep, sooner.

Eventually my mind wandered to a box hidden that Beks would never find. She couldn't find it because it held a secret inside that I wasn't ready to share with Beks, not yet anyways. I thought I was but it seemed like every time something good happened, something bad was soon to follow. And I wasn't sure if we'd survive anything else right now.

Brian helped hide the box. I'm so glad he had it in his pocket when we wrecked. I had been talking about it and looking at it nonstop and he was annoyed with it so he took it from me and put it in the pocket of his gym shorts. At the time, I was annoyed because it wasn't his to have and why was it so wrong that I was so happy?

We went to sleep and when we woke up we were in the hospital. And it was gone...until Brian came into my room. He handed me the little box and I was grateful he had it in his gym shorts.

"Stop being stupid," he told me. "Bekah loves you more than the world, so don't be scared."

But I wasn't scared because of the reason he thought I was scared. I wasn't afraid of rejection, I was afraid of restitution. So, the little box with the little diamond ring inside it would stay hidden until another time. I love Beks more than anything, I couldn't lose her. And with that final thought, I finally fell asleep.

Notes

A diamond ring?? Whaaaa?

Again, sorry for the lack of updates, guys. I've been so busy! I am officially moved into the new house though, so things will return to normal within the next week. I'm having to borrow my parents computer because although I type things up on my iPad, I'd rather use microsoft word to edit. I ordered a computer today though, so that should be coming in Thursday I think.

Has everyone heard the new album? Do you absolutely loved it? I'm pretty sure I squealed when it was announced during the live event, and then searched apple music for it immediately afterwards. What are your favourite songs? Mine are God Damn and Angels. Have you guys heard the rumor that two albums are being released this year?

As always thank you so much for reading, recommending, commenting and subscribing. Please keep it up, I love hearing from you guys! Things are a little slow right now but it'll heat up I promise!! Thanks again!

Title credit: Avenged Sevenfold "Higher"