More Than Nothing
It's hell, but it's my life.
Chapter One:
“If you even think about leaving, I swear to God, I will kill you.” Michael hissed in my ear. I shivered against him and bit down on my lip, to stay quiet. He moved his hand off of my neck and pulled up his pants and left our apartment. I held my breath, until I was sure that he was gone.
I took a deep, shaky breath, as hot tears blazed down my cheeks. I don't know how I'm going to pick myself up and brush myself off after this.
There is no happy ending for me - I know that. No one is coming to save. This hell hole is my life and I'm never going to be able to escape it.
Michael has made it perfectly clear that even if I did find a way out of this sadistic marriage, that he would find me and kill me and he would be happy to do it. I tried to leave before, twice. I regretted both ever since.
The first time I tried to leave my husband, he had come early. I wasn't expecting him back for another few hours. My bags were packed and I was halfway to my car. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me back into our home, sobbing, kicking and screaming. He laid the hurt on me worse than he ever had before, that night. I couldn't walk for a week, let alone go to the hospital.
One of his closest confidants is a well-respected doctor, if only the world knew just how cruel he could be... I doubt they would love him so much. He patches me up, after Michael is through with me. When Michael is in particularly generous moods, Nick gets to share me.
It doesn't matter if I want it or not, it never has. I was only fifteen, when I met Michael. He was twenty, but he didn't let the age difference stop him. Truth be told, there was very little that could stop him. It's terrifying.
My mother was having a fling with Michael's older brother, at the time. It didn't last. Most of her relationships didn't.
When I met Michael, I knew that my life would never be the same, I just didn't know why. He was persistent, annoyingly so. I had never gotten the type of attention that he was giving me. I had never gotten any attention from anyone, period. I didn't have any friends. My mom cared more about her next high, than she did me. My dad bolted, right after I was born. And what little family I had left, my mother isolated us from.
Michael quickly became my world. I was too young, too stupid, and too naïve to know better. I wish that I did. God, did I wish that I did.
He convinced my mother to sign off on our marriage, a few months after we started dating. She couldn't care less. It was one less problem for her to deal with. He had me so brainwashed. I was so willing. I believed him, when he promised to give me a better life. He promised that I would be happy.
What a load of fucking bullshit.
The abuse started almost immediately following or wedding. My mother didn't care what happened to me. I wasn't her problem anymore. She made that much clear. Michael's brother was a cop and they both made it clear that if I talked, I would live to regret it. And I did.
The second time I left him was two years ago. It was on my twenty-first birthday. I had just found out that I was pregnant and I was scared shitless. I knew that if I stayed, that our baby would become a casualty of this toxic marriage. I wasn't willing to risk it. I knew that I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So, I left.
For three days, I was safe. I woke up to him in my hotel room, with a knife to my throat. Somehow, I managed to get away. To this day, I'm still not sure how. He grabbed me, just before I got to the staircase. He picked me up and threw me down the stairs. He didn't stop there. Most of it was a pain-induced blur.
I miscarried and I stopped eating. I stopped fighting. I stopped caring. What was the point? My life wasn't my own. My body was his to take. My will was shattered. He broke me and he relished in it.
He went out of his way to pick fights with me. He missed fighting. I could see it in his eyes. He lived for it, but I just couldn't anymore.
He lost his patience and started feeding me pills, to make me human, again. I started eating again. Too much, he said. He loved being able to insult me, because of my weight. If I was too heavy for his liking, he would take away my food and starve me for days. If I stepped one toe out of line, he would cut off my access to my antidepressants. When I wouldn't play ball, he would invite his friends to play with me, each more vile than the last. Nothing was off limits for him. I don't know how much longer I can take it. I just want to die.
I jumped, as my phone went off.
"Hello," I rasped.
"The envelopes on the counter need to be mailed out, today. Clean yourself up and run to the store. Pick up something for dinner. Put on something nice for dinner. Just pretend for one night that you haven't completely let yourself go. You might even enjoy it. I took your car, because mine wouldn't start. If you can't find someone to take you, call Nick. He's been itching to spend some alone time with you. Do you understand?" Michael's voice was cold and hard and left no room for argument. I knew better.
"Yes," I told him.
"Good girl. Don't take too long." He ended the call. I took several deep breaths to try and get my anxiety under control. I have to find someone, it doesn't matter who. Being alone with Nick scares me, because he had no limits. He really would kill me.
I knocked tentatively on my neighbor's door. I know someone moved in, but I haven't seen who, yet. The door opened to a surprised, handsome face. I opened my mouth to rattle off the speech I practiced.
"Hi, I just live across the way. I'm really sorry to bother you, but I'm having a bit of car trouble. My husband won't be back from work for a few hours. I was hoping that if it wouldn't be too much trouble that you could possibly take me to the market. I just need a few things and it shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes there, honest." I let out a shaky breath, when I was done. He looked shocked, to say the least. "Actually, it was silly of me to ask. It can wait, until later. I'm really sorry that I bothered you." I apologized. I turned around and pulled out my phone. I'll just call Nick.
"Hey, wait, I can take you. I've actually gotta pick up a few things myself, anyways. Just let me grab my keys and some shoes."
I texted Michael in the car, to let him know that I found a ride. I awkwardly introduced myself and found out my neighbor's name was Brian. He was my a lot nicer than I expected.
I carried my two bags to my door, with Brian. It was awkward to say the least, but not unwelcome company. I prefer it to anyone else I know, but that probably isn't saying much.
"Thank you. I seriously do appreciate this. If you ever need anything, please let me know." I thanked my new neighbor.
"It was no trouble, honestly. If anything it gave me a break from unpacking. If I had to spend the rest of the day staring at boxes, I was gonna lose it." He smirked. I gave him a small smile in return. "I was beginning to forget what the outside looked like." He joked. I opened my mouth to say something, when I noticed Nick leaning against my front door.
"Michael asked if I could check on you, since I had the day off, seeing as he didn't have time to take your car to the shop this morning." Nick explained, with an easy smile. I nodded, mutely.
"I better get going. It was nice to meet you, Lacey." Brian excused himself. I turned my attention to Nick.
"Come on. I'll help you put away your groceries." He offered, loud enough to be overheard. Well, shit. He took out his key to my apartment and opened the door for me. After I was inside, his mouth was on my neck. "Come on. Don't act so surprised. Was getting a ride from a complete stranger really better, than asking me for my help?" He asked me. I shivered against him. I didn't know what to say... Whatever I say will be wrong. It always is. "I've seen the way you look at me. Face it, we both know that without you Michael and I wouldn't even be friends. There would be no appeal. He's made it clear that he'll never let you go. Believe me, I've tried. I'd kill to have you all to myself. All this beauty and it's just wasted on him. Sure I play games just as much as the next guy, but if you were mine, I would worship you. You'd bear our children. The only reason your husband keeps me around is to clean up his messes and to keep you in check. You know that he wants you to keep me happy. Don't you want to keep me happy?" He breathed. I nodded, too scared to trust my voice. "Well, I want you to enjoy this. Come here." He commanded, as he directed me over to our guest bedroom. It's where he normally stays, while he's here. "Take off your clothes and get into the bed."
I did as I was told. He followed suit. He crawled onto the bed and took me into his arms. He made sure I was looking him in the eyes, as he let his hands wander all over my body. I shook with terror. It hasn't even been an hour, since Michael forced himself on me in the other room. I can't do this, again. I can't.
"No," I breathed, meekly. I couldn't even get the bleeding to stop completely, when I patched myself up, before going to the store. Nick just smirked at me, before bringing his mouth roughly to my own.
"I'm getting you off." He confessed. I shook my head, hurriedly.
"Please, just take me and focus on you." I pleaded. They've taken enough from me. I don't want them to take this, too.
"Where's the fun in that?" He asked with eyes full of mischief. He grabbed something next to him and used it to tie my arms behind my back. I didn't fight. I never do. They're not as violent, when I don't. I stayed completely still. I did my best to try and shut it out and ignore what was happening. It’s always harder with Nick, than it is with Michael. I wish I knew why… At least Michael never pretends that whatever this is that goes on between us isn’t something that it’s not. “God, fucking look at you. I hope you know that if Michael ever leaves the picture, you’re going to mine. There’s no way I’d ever let another man touch you.” He groaned. His hands were on me. He was trying to turn me on and it wasn’t working. It normally doesn’t. He kissed my neck and made his way down my body. I tried to recoil against him. This is new. He’s never tried this before. I don’t want him to do this. I don’t want them to take this from me, too.
“No,” I breathed. I knew better. I should have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn’t this time. He bit down on my inner thigh, hard. I cried out. I felt my skin break. He glanced up at me, with a devious grin. He had blood all over his mouth. He looked as sinister as he actually is, for once.
“Behave and you might actually enjoy it, Lace.” He scolded me. I clamped my mouth shut and stared at the ceiling. Tears burned my eyes and fell down my face. I hiccuped and tried not to care that I was showing weakness in front of him. God, I couldn’t be more pathetic if I tried.
I leaned against the toilet and wiped my mouth. I haven’t been able to stop dry-heaving. Nick is waiting for me to come out of the bathroom. I kept the door locked, knowing that he could just break it down, if he really wanted to. They’ve more than proven that point before. I took a deep breath and got into the shower. I fumbled with the razor blade in my hands. I knew that they didn’t care if I cut myself. I can’t stop. I’ve tried before, but what’s the point? It’s the only thing in my life that I can control. If I’m going to bleed, I should at least be able to be the one to do it.
I stood next to the stove, stirring the gravy. The roast was done. Dessert was finished. We’re just waiting on Michael to get home. If everything’s not ready when he walks in the door, there will be hell to pay. There always is. Nick has been more touchy-feely than usual. He keeps kissing on me and paying me compliments. He doesn’t mean them. I know that. It just makes it harder. It makes him unpredictable and it makes staying safe that much harder.
“There you are.” Michael sang, when he walked through the door. I jumped and whirled around to look at him. The smirk on his face slid off, when he saw Nick’s arms around me. “Do I need to remind you who you belong to?” He growled. I shook my head. My heart sank into my stomach and I felt nauseous, despite not eating anything today. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” He asked Nick. His eyebrows rose and I tried to move away from him. He just held me still and made it impossible to move.
“Relax, Mike. I checked on her, like you asked me to. You told me to keep her in place. What does it look like I’ve been doing?” Nick asked him, in a bored tone. Michael said nothing.
“I-I’m sorry. H-he said that you said to keep him happy. I would never argue with anything you told me to do. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” I fell over myself apologizing. Michael looked at me and nodded.
“Come here, Lace.” He commanded. I looked up at Nick, expectantly. He let his arms drop and I finally felt like I could breathe. I walked over to Michael and hugged him, timidly. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his lips against the top of my head. “Who do you belong to, baby girl?” He asked me, quietly.
“You, only you,” I told him. He nodded.
“Kiss me.” He demanded and I did. I stood on my tiptoes and forced myself to press my mouth against his. He tightened his grip on me. He picked me up and set me on the kitchen counter. He tore my underwear off and fumbled with the zipper on his pants. I couldn’t stop the shock from showing on my face. I made the mistake of looking up at him with fear in my eyes. He slapped me with the back of his hand. He pushed himself into me and I screamed. I was already so battered and bruised from earlier. I can’t keep going like this. I don’t know how they think that I can. They just don’t care. I tuned most of it out. It was over quickly. When he finished, he dug his thumb into Nick’s bite mark. I sobbed against him. He pulled out and moved away from me. I fell to the floor with a loud thud. I winced. Everything hurts, but that’s nothing new. It already did.
Someone knocked on the door. They both looked at me expectantly. I pushed myself up off of the floor and pulled my dress down. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I knew that my lip was busted, but this would have to do. I don’t have time to do anything else. I walked over to the door and opened it, without looking to see who it was. Brian gaped at me, from the other side of our threshold.
“You left these in my car. I thought you’d like them back.” He handed me a bag full of groceries. I could have sworn I had gotten them all. It’s not like me to forget. I forced a smile.
“Thank you. I didn’t even realize that I was missing these.” I thanked him. He nodded and looked at me, nervously and obviously concerned.
“Hey, are you okay? You’re bleeding.” He asked. I nodded and swiped at my lip, again.
“I’m fine, just really clumsy. Thank you for these, again.” I tried to end our exchange, before either of the men watching me got pissed off and possessive.
“Lace, don’t be rude. Would you like to stay for dinner? Lacey is a great cook and she always makes too much. I’d love to get to know the man who took my wife to the store. Not everyone would take time out of their day to help a stranger like that. It’s the least we can do, as a thank you.” Michael spoke up. I looked over at him terrified, but he had his charming smile on. He could charm the pants off of a nun, if he wanted to. I’d be surprised if he hasn’t.
“Uh, yeah, that sounds great. Whatever she’s making smells really good, actually.” He admitted.
“Great. Can I get you a beer? Please come in. Where are my manners? Lace, get him a beer.” Michael ordered me, softly. I nodded and moved away from the doorway. I set the groceries in the kitchen and grabbed a cold one from the fridge. I opened the bottle and handed it to my new neighbor.
“Dinner’ll just be a minute. I just need to finish setting the table.” I announced.
I think Michael isn't that bad as I first thought. But eh, who knows what he can do later??
8/15/16