Truth or Deal.

The next morning I woke up earlier than I would have liked. Last night’s event popped into my head and now that ‘the moment’ or whatever was over, I was really beginning the regret the choices I made. I should have never kissed Zack and I definitely never should have asked him to be my boyfriend.

I groaned and rolled over hoping to go back to sleep so I didn’t have to think about it anymore but the thoughts kept pouring in.

Zack was a great guy. With that said, there was no future for us so it’s not like it would work out even if I did want to be with him. He deserved better, and so did I. Why should we waste our time with each other when I knew there was ultimately going to be a break up?

After an hour of tossing and turning I finally got out of bed, threw on some clothes and ran next door to Matt’s house. I knocked on the door and a few minutes later Matt answered the door wearing nothing but his boxers and a hickey on his neck. Both of our mothers were out of town for a girl’s weekend, so of course he invited his girlfriend to stay the night. I pushed the thoughts from my mind easily.

“Evelyn? It’s like seven in the morning, what the fuck are you doing here?” Matt groaned, clearly he wasn’t a morning person.

“It’s over Matt, I’m going to call Zack when I get home and tell him last night was a mistake, I just wanted to let you know.” I told him.

“Last night was a mistake? What do you mean? What happened?” Matt asked, curiously.

I guess I just assumed Zack called his friends after he got home and told them all about our night but apparently I was wrong. “He didn’t tell you?”

He shook his head, “Look, he called me last night and told me the date couldn’t have gone better. He was really fucking happy, Evelyn.”

“I just…I can’t do it!” I confessed, “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Then don’t,” Matt shrugged, “He’s in a really good place right now. He’s happy; don’t take that from him. I know this isn’t real to you, but it is to him. And, you know, maybe it’s real for you too and maybe that’s why you’re standing on my doorstep talking about how you don’t want to hurt him.”

I stared at Matt for a couple of moments trying to figure out what to do. From the sound of it Zack was going to get hurt either way. “Fine,” I sighed, defeated, “Make sure you make me a copy of the calculus homework.”

Matt nodded and I turned, hearing the door close behind me. I walked home and hated how deep I was in this already. I opened my front door and climbed up the stairs, I was about to enter my bedroom when Ryan came storming out of his bedroom.

“Where have you been?” He demanded. I stared at him and decided to just ignore him. “I know something is going on.” My heart fluttered, and I was suddenly nervous. Had he overheard my conversation with Matt?

I composed myself before turning around, “What are you talking about, jackass?” I asked.

“I know there is something going on between you and Zack.” He stated, crossing his arms.

I narrowed my eyes, maybe he didn’t know as much as he thought he did. “Yeah, we went out to dinner last night. You knew that, you were he when we left.”

“You fucking know what I’m talking about, whore!” He yelled, “You’re using him, I know you are. He’s a good person and God help him Evelyn because he really does fucking like you for some reason. Don’t take advantage of that; don’t use him like one of your million boy-toys.”

My throat tightened. “What I do and who I do it with is none of your business, little brother.” I walked to my room, and turned around to face him. “And for your information, I actually like Zack, Ryan. I’m not using him. He makes me happy and I make him happy, so, fuck off.”

I slammed the door and threw myself onto my bed and blinked back the tears that stung my eyes. I was angry. I was angry because he was right. I was angry because I was right, too. I hated my conflicted emotions. I hated that I wasn’t smart enough to pass calculus without cheating. I debated dismissing myself from the cheer squad, but I knew Toni would never forgive me. I tried to remember when life was simple. I missed New York. I missed my friends when they were my friends. I missed Marcus before he cheated on me. I guess life never was simple, I wished it was though.

**


I was woken by a light tapping on my door, I opened my eyes and Zack was standing in my door frame.

“Hey,” I said, rubbing my eyes and sitting up in bed. How long had I been asleep?

“Do you sleepwalk or something?” Zack asked me. He stood still in my doorway.

“What?” I asked, confused. He gestured to my shoes on my feet; I must have dozed off before taking them off. “Oh, no, I uh…” I couldn’t think of anything to say, “Never mind.” I laughed and he smiled. “Why are you still standing over there? Come in.” I patted the bed beside me.

Zack reluctantly walked over and sat down next to me. “I’m actually supposed to be hanging out with the guys today,” he told me, “I just wanted to stop by and see if everything was okay with us.”

As Zack spoke I noticed he was looking everywhere but at me. “What do you mean?” I asked. Had Matt opened his big fat mouth? Or Ryan?

“I mean…last night was great,” He finally looked at me, “but if you want to take it back and act like it never happened I understand.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Well,” he laughed slightly, “Evelyn I think you’re gorgeous. Girls like you don’t like guys like me, you know? We just come from two separate worlds. So if you were just caught up in the moment, I mean, I understand. No one has to know, I haven’t told anyone any details.” I stared at him knowing this was my way out if I wanted one. But did I want one? I remembered what Matt had said to me during out conversation early this morning. Was this real for me? Was I actually starting to like Zack? I mentally shook my head, I couldn’t. Yet, I still couldn’t find the words to tell him last night was a mistake. I remembered that fire that I felt when he kissed me and I was scared of not ever feeling that again. My body craved it.

“You’re right,” I told him, “we’re from different worlds.” He looked away from me and I grabbed his hand and tangled my fingers with his. “But I want you, Zack.”

He looked down at our hands and then at me, a smile played at his lips. “I was hoping you’d say that.” He brought his lips down on mine.

“It’s going to be complicated, though.” I confessed when we pulled apart. “Can we just keep this, like, a secret?”

Zack looked disappointed, “I don’t want to keep you a secret, Evelyn.”

I bit my lip; I was more worried about wanting to keep him a secret. “Just for a little while.” I smiled, “You may have noticed my friends are very judgmental. I just need some time to figure out how to tell them.”

Zack didn’t look very happy but he agreed anyways. “Okay, but is it too early to ask you to prom?” He laughed.

I laughed too and kissed him on the cheek, “How do you even know you’re going to still like me then?”

“Oh,” Zack just shrugged. “I just know.”

**


The next few days at school were rough. I could tell it was killing Zack to keep his distance from me while Aaron constantly flirted with me. I felt bad for him but knew there was no other way, I had a reputation to hold and Zack didn’t really fit that mold.

After school on a particularly rough day, I stopped Zack and asked him if I could give him a ride home.

“Nah, wouldn’t want your precious friends to see you with me.” He slammed his locker shut, “plus I have detention.” He turned and began to walk away from me and I followed him. The halls were nearly empty as everyone was outside leaving.

“Babe,” I called and grabbed his arm.

He turned around and I knew he was angry with me. Aaron had been flirting with me all day and it seemed like Zack was always around when Aaron was trying to kiss me or put his arm around me.

“I don’t have time for this, I have to get to detention or else I’m going to get another day.” And he turned and walked away. I sighed, defeated and turned in the empty hallway and walked out of the building and towards my car.

I got in and cursed myself quietly. Why was I such a chicken when it came to standing up to my friends? I couldn’t wait for school to end in a few months. Graduation was less than three months away and then I could move away and reinvent myself. My stomach dropped, moving away meant leaving Zack. His entire life was here, all of his friends, his band, and his family; there was no way he would move away with me. I rolled my eyes at myself, what was I thinking, Zack and I aren’t even going to last after graduation. After finals, I was breaking it off with him. He wasn’t in my future, so I just needed to stop acting like he was.

I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot and into the font of the school where Zack would come out, just because I knew things weren’t going to last with us didn’t mean I could afford to lose him right now. I still needed my calculus homework done and Matt wouldn’t do it unless things were good with me and Zack.

An hour later Zack came out of the school with his bag slung over his shoulder. He didn’t see me so I honked my horn and caught his attention. He reluctantly walked over to my car.

“What are you still doing here, Evelyn?” He asked me.

“Waiting for you,” I told him, smiling, “I told you I wanted to give you a ride home.” Zack just stared at me, and didn’t attempt to get in. “Zack, please get in. We need to talk, you’re obviously upset.”

“Yeah, Evelyn, I am upset. You let Aaron hang all over you all the time, and I’m supposed to just be okay with that? You’re dating me, remember? The world might not know that, but you and I both do.”

I sighed, “Can we please not do this here?” I reached over to the passenger side of the car and opened it from the inside; he caught it when I swung it opened. “Please.”

Zack shook his head but got in anyways.

The drive to his house was silent. I saw him open his mouth and close it a few times trying to decide on which words to use, but after a couple of minutes he gave up and just stared out the window. I pulled up at his house and we both sat there unsure of what to say to each other.

“There’s nothing going on between Aaron and me.” I said softly.

“What about a few months ago?” Zack asked me.

“I was with Marcus.” I told him, shaking my head, “Aaron has always just been a friend.”

Zack laughed. “Evelyn, I don’t want to call you a liar, but you’re fucking lying to me and I don’t know what else to say to you if you’re not going to be honest with me.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked him.

“I saw you making out with Aaron a few months ago before you and Marcus broke up. You took him up to your bedroom and you cheated on Marcus with Aaron. Who knows how far you actually went with him.”

“So, what you were spying on me?” I spat. I suddenly felt vulnerable and exposed.

Zack looked up at the roof of my car, and I could tell he didn’t mean for that to slip out. “No, we weren’t spying on you.” He said, “Your window is directly across from Matts, we were all up there one night and I saw your light turn on. Your curtains were open and I was just able to see things. It wasn’t intentional and after you two got in bed, I stopped looking and closed Matt’s curtain.”

I bit my lip. “So this entire time you thought I slept with Aaron while dating Marcus?” I asked Zack, he merely shrugged. “Well, for your information, I didn’t. He told me he was drunk and wanted to sober up before going home. He pushed me onto the bed, crawled on top of me and kissed me. I pushed him off of me,” I explained.

He shrugged again, “Well, how am I supposed to know how that’s not going to happen again?”

“What do you want me to do about it, Zack?” I asked him, “I push him away from me every time he touches me in an inappropriate way. He knows I have a boyfriend.”

“I want you to stop being ashamed of me!” Zack yelled. “I’m not this weak little boy that I came off to be, Evelyn. I’m a good person, I’m good to you and I want to protect you from assholes like him.”

“I’m not ashamed of you,” I half-lied.

Zack laughed again and opened the car door, “Bullshit.” He said.

“Zack wait,” I grabbed his arm, “don’t go, please.”

Zack stopped, “Evelyn, I don’t know what you want from me. I can’t be some jock for you. I like who I am, I’m happy.”

“I’m happy too because of you,” I told him, “I want to be with you. If I wanted Aaron, I would be with Aaron. You just have to trust me.”

“I do trust you,” he confessed. He looked at me and his face softened. “It’s him I don’t trust. He’s not a good guy. I don’t like you being around him.”

“I can take care of Aaron,” I told Zack and grabbed his hand; he tightened his grip around my hand for a brief moment and then let go. I gave him a reassuring smile. “Are we okay?”

Zack took a deep breath and then smiled weakly at me, “Yeah, I guess so.” He told me and then leaned over and gave me a small kiss on my lips. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

I nodded, “Okay, babe.”

Zack got out of the car and with a final wave, went inside.

Notes

Surprise middle-of-the-week update! Hope everyone enjoyed! Thanks for the feedback so far, please continue to let me know how you like it (or even if you don't like it!) Thanks again!

Title credit: Of Mice & Men "Identity Disorder"