October 26, 2018

Matthew Sanders, or just Matt, walked with his head held high and his body mostly relaxed. He tried not to look at the pictures on the walls, and he ignored the sounds of all the people around him. All he could hear was the steady thump of his shoes on the carpet, a perfect echo of his heartbeat. His hand was steady as it grabbed the doorknob, and it turned easily in his hand. A few eyes looked up and searched for his, but they were hidden by a pair of large Aviators. Even inside the house, he couldn’t take them off. He gently lowered his six-one frame into a worn-out chair, and he felt his tension coiling in the muscles of his shoulders and back. His temples were now creating a beat with his heart, and his tongue flicked against the inside of his lip ring. Matthew Sanders was, in a word, nervous.

“Come on, guys, let’s leave ours gods to their thrones.” Matt heard the voice but couldn’t identify it. Ray’s, maybe? Or had it been Zacky? Fuck, it could have been Tinkerbelle’s and he wouldn’t have noticed. Matt heard the door he had just walked through close back into place, and he lifted his eyes. There were only two bodies in the room, including his own. The emotions were so thick in the air that he could barely breathe, and he had to resist the urge to pull on the collar of his shirt. A pair of dulled green eyes slid over to his own, and he could have sworn that those eyes were looking straight past his dark lenses.

“When did you get here?” The smooth voice was like a shock to his gut, because he wasn’t expecting Gerard to sound so…normal. He wasn’t sure how he was pulling it off and now wasn’t the time to ask anyway.

“About an hour ago, I think.” Matt’s own voice was rough, like he’d gargled sand and then brushed his teeth with sandpaper.

“Thank you for coming.” The words sounded mechanical. It’s something that Gerard has probably repeated over and over again the past few days. Matt remembers what that felt like; that automatic response on the tip of his tongue was the only truth he knew for a while.

“Gerard…” Matt didn’t know what to say. What had people said to him? He couldn’t remember.

“Rest of your guys with you?” Gerard asked after the silence stretched on for too long.

“Yeah. Yours around?”

“Mhmm.”

The two lapsed back into silence; Gerard didn’t look capable of speech at the moment. The pain was there, in every corner of the room. Matt felt like he had an elephant sitting on his chest, and his palms were slick with a cold sweat. He hadn’t felt like this since that book report he had to do in the seventh grade. Being nervous was a part of life, but this was nervousness with a heavy dose of fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of not being able to help. Fear of just simply fucking up. He wasn’t Gerard’s closest friend, but the two bands have come across each other enough over the years to be a little more than mere acquaintances. Gerard had been there when Jimmy…he’d been there, so Matt’s repaying the kindness.

“How do you do it?” Gerard’s voice was still quiet and smooth. Matt thought it was a little eerie and more than a little creepy.

“Do what?” He could feel heat and pressure building up behind his eyes, and the bottom of his feet were starting to itch. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“How do you get up in the morning? Or go downstairs to eat breakfast? Or talk to people? Or sing? How do you keep living?”

Matt did the one thing he told himself he would not do. He took off his sunglasses and looked Gerard right in the eye. Their looks of pain were similar, if not nearly identical. Gerard’s was fresh and deeper, but the emotion was still the same even if the degrees were not. Tears had slipped down Gerard’s cheeks, and he absently brushed them away like one would an afterthought. Matt pinched the bridge of his nose and wiped away the tears gathering at the corners of his own eyes. Even now, after nearly nine years, the pain was still sharp. Sometimes it didn’t hurt quite as bad, but the pain would always linger. In a way, he was glad it did. He felt like he would go insane if that pain ever left. The pain was but a small price to pay for remembrance.

“You don’t,” Matt sighed and rubbed a vicious hand over his hair before continuing, “Half of you will move on, and you’ll do everything that you did before. You’ll go to the grocery store, watch a movie, laugh with your friends…but, a part of you will be buried. A part of you is gone forever.”

Gerard watched Matt’s eyes as he spoke, and he inclined his head once when Matt was through. Gerard’s head fell back against his chair, and his sad eyes disappeared from view. Matt felt the tension in his shoulders spasm, and he clenched his jaw so tight that he could almost hear his gums screaming in agony. He wasn’t sure if he’d said the right thing. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he said anything in the vicinity of the right thing, but he had told the truth. The truth isn’t always easy to hear, but it’s better than being lied to. Especially now.

“The best part of me…that’s what’s gone. It should be me down there, not him. Not my Mikey.” Gerard’s voice broke on his brother’s name, and a tremor shook his body. Matt waited for an outburst of either anguish or rage (either one was possible at this point), but Gerard remained immobile. Matt’s eyes traveled down to Gerard’s hands, which were wrapped up tight. Oh yeah…he remembered one of the guys telling him that Gerard had kind of lost it there for a while, which resulted in a lot of broken…everything. The doctors must have given him painkillers, and probably something to calm his nerves too. Was there anything strong enough to calm a grieving person’s nerves?

“He didn’t deserve this. He was too good for this. Wasn’t he? Wasn’t he, Matt?” Gerard’s eyes were still closed, but that didn’t stop the tears from leaking out. Matt had given up on wiping his own tears away at this point; what was the use?

“He was, Gee.” The old nickname made Gerard tense up for a moment, but the tension left him quickly. It was like he was too tired to hold onto any kind of emotion, and Matt remembers that feeling all too well.

Michael Way, better known as Mikey, just wanted some coffee. It was early, he was pissed off, and he wanted coffee. His usual store was within walking distance, but it wasn’t open at that time of the morning. The closest open store was far enough way that it was more convenient to drive than try to walk. So he had taken his car. The police report said it was an accident. Mikey was driving through an intersection when another car hit a puddle from the rainfall the night before and slammed right into him. He was gone before the paramedics got there, and they were unable to bring him back. It was too late.

Vibrations shot up Matt’s leg, and he clutched his thigh as he wrestled the phone from his pocket. He was going to turn it off, until he saw the number. He couldn’t hang up on his mother; it just didn’t feel right. He thought about getting up to go outside, but his body felt almost too sluggish to move. Except for the tension in his shoulders, that was far from being sluggish. Gerard was locked in his own mind, so Matt mentally shrugged and pressed the phone to his ear. He gave out a quiet greeting, and his mother’s shuddering voice replied. The tone of her voice had him instantly alarmed. He sat up straight in his chair and pressed the phone tighter to his ear.

“Mom?”

“How’s your friend, sweetie? Is he doing okay?” Matt looked at Gerard and was surprised to see him looking back at him. Gerard’s eyes had opened when he heard Matt’s concerned voice, and Matt quickly looked away.

“He’s making it,” Matt huffed out.

“That’s good. How are you holding up?” Her voice still wasn’t steady or strong, like it usually was.

“I’m fine. What’s wrong, Mom? Has something happened?” Something had to have happened for his mother to sound like that.

“It’s nothing for you to—”

“Auntie Kim, is that Matt? Is he okay?” At the sound of the feminine voice, Matt felt a familiar burn in his veins. He had spent so many years hating the sound of her voice, the sound of her name. Matt heard a rustling noise and knew that his mother was trying to cover up the phone so he wouldn’t hear.

“He’s fine, baby. You just get some rest, okay? I’ll be back in just a minute.” Matt listened to the sounds of quiet footsteps and a door creaking as it was closed, and he could feel Gerard’s of eyes on him. He knew he looked tense, probably angry, but he couldn’t push the feeling away. Old habits die hard.

“Matt, are you still there?”

“Why did you call me if you’re with her?” Matt hated the sound of his own voice, but he couldn’t control it. His mother sighed on the other end of the line, and he could just imagine her look of exasperation. And disappointment.

“When are you going to stop this, Matt? The two of you used to be so close, and she was so worried about you. She was worried about you, Matthew, when she should be worrying about herself,” his mother said in a rush. Matt felt his skin prickle…something had happened.

“What’d she do this time? Fall out of a tree while rescuing a cat?” She was perfect, a goody two shoes, an angel…She was the daughter that every mother wanted, except for her own. A sob broke through the phone, and Matt felt his eyes widen. He didn’t mean to make his mama cry…

“They beat her, Matt! They beat her and raped her and did God knows what else! I’ve been in the hospital with her for two weeks, and they ruined her! She’ll never walk right on her leg again, she’s all scarred up, and she’ll never have children. And the first thing she asked when she woke up was if you were okay!”

Matt was, in a word, shocked. He disliked her, maybe even hated her at one point in his life, but he never wanted that for her. He couldn’t even imagine it. How could someone defile her body in such a way? Matt had always assumed that she was too good to ever be hurt. No, Matt was the only man that had ever made her cry. Despite her goodness, she was so emotionally closed-off to most men that she never cared enough to cry. She might have been a good little girl that was perfect, but she was perfect and alone. And now she was in a hospital with a ruined body and his crying mother.

“I’m sorry, Mama. I’ll come see her when I get home, okay?”

“You will? That’ll make her so happy. I’m going back into her room now. Call me if you need anything?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The two exchanged quick goodbyes, and Matt shoved his phone back into his pocket with more force than what was necessary. A moment later he was pacing the floor and muttering under his breath. The tension had broken and started flooding into the rest of his body. He was jumpy, angry, and worried. He couldn’t remember the last time he got worried over her, or angry on her behalf. He was aware of the two sets of eyes watching him, but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling. Why couldn’t he just hit something?

“Is your mom okay?” Gerard’s voice was calm, but his eyes were locked on him. Begging for a distraction, no matter how small.

“My mom’s fine. She’s in the hospital with my cousin.”

“Is your cousin okay? Is that why you got mad?” Gerard asked. Instead of answering the question, Matt asked him one.

“Did you know that I got kicked out of school my junior year?” Gerard seemed confused at the abrupt change in topic, but he answered for them anyway.

“No, but it’s not that surprising.” Matt’s temper was legendary, so it really wasn’t a surprise. Eyes continued to follow Matt as he paced, and the only other occupant in the room watched as the muscles in his arms bunched as his fists curled. Something had him riled up, but what?

“I did, at the end of my junior year. Principal told me not to come back the next year. My parents freaked and gave me two options. I could go to an alternative school, Harvey’s Hellions, or I could go live with my mom’s brother, Uncle Rick. I got angry, which never took much back then, and said if they wanted me gone then I’d leave. I moved in with crazy Uncle Rick the next day, and my cousin moved in with my parents a few days after that. Her mom had passed away, and she’s my Dad’s only niece. She’s my Uncle Henry’s only child, because he died before she was born.”

“So, were you two close?” Gerard was still watching him, and Matt glanced at back at him before answering.

“We were when we were kids. She’s only a few months younger than me. After she moved in with my parents though…I was just so fucking angry, all the time. Every time I talked to my parents, they talked about how perfect she was. I started to hate her. When I went with Uncle Rick to my parents place for Christmas, the first time I had seen them since leaving, I just lost it. I went off on her, said some fucked up stuff, and haven’t talked to her since. She speaks when she sees me, but I haven’t said a word to her since that Christmas.”

Matt stopped pacing and stared off into space. He really had said some fucked up stuff. He had insulted her on her outward appearance, first. He had called her ugly, fat, and said her clothes looked like they had been picked out by a five year old. When she had only looked at him with those soft understanding eyes, he had really went off the deep end. He had screamed that his parents would never really love her, that no one could ever really love her. He had looked her right in the eyes and said her own mother had never loved her; said that he would have committed suicide to get away from her too. He told her that she would die alone, and no one would ever mourn for her. He didn’t stop screaming until tears were falling from her eyes and all the color had drained from her face. He left her alone in the bathroom after that and never looked back.

Despite all of that, she still loved him. She still asked about him, still kept track of him. He knew from his mother that she owned every single album they had put out; he knew that she came to every local show. She paid full price for her tickets and fought her way through the crowds just to see him do what he loved most. She had stood alone at Jimmy’s funeral, because he refused to comfort her. He knew she still visited his grave and placed white carnations there; white carnations stood for remembrance. He knew she still suffered through every Christmas, through Granny Sanders’s scathing remarks about how she ruined her father’s life and his silence, just so she wouldn’t be alone.

“We’ve all done shit that we regret,” Gerard said and tapped his fingers against the arms of the chair. The quiet thumps seemed to echo the sound of Matt’s angry pulse.

“Yeah? Who’d you make cry?” Matt retorted. He instantly regretted the words, because that’s not something you say to someone whose just buried a loved one.

“I was seventeen when me and Mikey quit talking,” Gerard mumbled.

“Quit talking?” Matt had seen the brothers together, and they were nearly inseparable.

“I was a mess then; the usual teen angst. I hated the world and everyone in it, and I wasn’t a very good big brother. We didn’t really talk again for a few years, not until after I moved out. We didn’t get close again until the band was started. I wish I had been better to him then, that I could have had more time with him.”

Gerard was crying again, silent tears that would break the coldest person’s heart. Matt’s feet drug across the carpet, and he fell back into his chair with less gentility than the first time.. Gerard’s fingers were tapping against the arm of his chair slower now, and he was biting into his bottom lip. The pain was still in the room, but it felt a little more bearable now. The tension was still coiled in Matt’s body, but he could handle it now.

“You ever think of how things could be different? Ever wonder if you had done something different, none of this would have happened?” Matt suddenly asked.

“Every damn day,” Gerard mumbled. The room fell into silence once more, and Matt reached up to rub his aching temples. The two of them had learned more about each other than they ever thought they would, and they hated the circumstances that had led to those revelations.

“Matt? What was her name? Your cousin?” Gerard asked. Matt rolled his head and locked eyes with a pair of bloodshot green ones. He had to clear his throat and wondered when the last time he’d said her name out loud was.

“Elizabeth, but we just called her Betty.” Betty-Lou was what Jimmy had called her when she visited during the summer, and she had always blushed and called him Jim-Jam. Betty-Lou…who was lying in a hospital with her body ruined. Would things have been different if he had held in his temper that day and never left? Would Gerard have less regrets if he had been a better brother? Would it change anything?

Two sets of eyes closed, and the world went black.

Notes

Confused? Yeah, I know it doesn't make much sense. I first started on this story a few months after Jimmy passed away, but I couldn't finish it. I barely even finished two chapters. I've been cleaning out my documents and came across this, and I remember how much I loved the plot. I think it's unique at least. So, this is some imaginary future. In the next chapter, Matt and Gerard will live through their "First Chance." After that, they'll get their "Second Chance." From then on, the story will be set in the past and follow on after those second chances. There's going to be OCs galore, so there's your warning.

Thank you to anyone that's reading this! I thought I lost my ability to write for Avenged Sevenfold years ago, but I want to try to write one more.

Also, here's a little something to make up for all the sad times! I present to you: Happy Gerard and Matt! Yay!