Stone Cold Lips And Heresy

My eyes flickered open and I looked to my left. To no surprise, the bed was empty.

Which proved that once again, this is all real. My eyes burned and my mouth was dry. I wish I didn't wake up.

I sat upright in bed and looked around. The room was filthy, and there were empty cans of beer on the floor.

I can't count how many times I've had to watch the man I love get wasted and break down right in front of me. It hurts more and more each time. I miss the real Johnny. I miss his smile.

I miss my baby girl. I miss my baby boy. I miss my Kylie. When I close my eyes at night they're all I see. I see the blood and tears. I see the lifeless corpse of my best friend. I see Ben laughing at me.

I feel defeated. I inhaled sharply and whimpered as the burning hot tears spilled onto my face. I buried my face into a pillow and cried. I dug my nails into the pillow and groaned.

I needed to get up. My body was screaming for food, but I had no appetite. I couldn't bring myself to eat.

Eventually, I got out of bed and put normal clothes on. I opened the door and slowly made my way through the hallway. I didn't dare look to my right. I hate that room. I always will.

I stalked down the stairs and sighed at the sight before me. Johnny was slumped over the kitchen table, out cold. He had a half-empty long neck still in his hand, and an empty bottle of scotch next to his head.

I walked over towards him and ran my hand through his messy hair.

"Baby, you have to get up." I whispered.

I shook his shoulder gently and started pulling his body upright in his chair. "Johnny."

He groaned and reluctantly opened his eyes. "Hm?"

"You need to get up, you need to eat something." I ordered him.

"I don't fucking want to." He croaked and pulled away from me.

I rubbed my eyes and studied his face. He was sickly pale, and had dark bags under his eyes. He had dried drool on his cheek, that was covered in uneven stubble. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. He looked like Hell.

"Please, just for a little bit. I'll make you something to eat." I bribed.

He looked up at me with watery eyes and watched every move I made. I walked over to the fridge and pulled out leftover eggs and bacon from the day before. I dished it out onto a plate and put it into the microwave, turning it on. Then, I filled up a glass of ice water and brought it out to him.

"Have some." I said, setting the glass down in front of him.

He winced at the sound of the glass hitting the wooden table. "Would you please be quiet?"
Before I could answer, the microwave beeped. I walked over to it and grabbed the plate of food. I returned with it and set the plate down in front of him. Johnny just stared at it with tired eyes, breathing ever so slightly.

"Please," My voice cracked. "just eat."

I reached over and put my hand over his free one, as he slowly grabbed a fork and started to pick at the food in front of him.

"Do you think he lets them eat?" Johnny asked, shaking slightly.

"What?"

"Do you think Ben lets them eat? Do you think he makes them starve? Do you think he tortures them?" He snapped at me. "Do you ever even fucking think about that?"

"Johnny, I-"

He shoved the plate of the table and cut his eyes at me. "It's all I fucking think about."

I got up and started to clean the mess he made. I was hiding my face from him, I didn't want him to see me cry.

"Get up." He snapped. "Just fucking leave it."

"I'm not gonna leave this mess on the floor, Johnny." I squeaked.

"Why the fuck am I even here? Why are we here? We should be looking for our kids, not having fucking breakfast pretending everything is okay." He griped.

I sat back on my feet and looked up at him. "We're here because we have no clues to where Ben went."

"Yes, we do! He went to New York!" Johnny yelled. "Oh, but here we are. Fucking three thousand miles away from him, like that's gonna do anything."

I glared at him and he continued, "I don't know about you, but I want my fucking kids back."

"Fuck you, Johnny. You can fucking sit here and drink yourself to death. I'm going for a walk." I stood up and walked towards the door.

"Liv." He sighed.

I opened the door and looked back at him. He stared at me like a lost child in a supermarket.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Please don't leave me." He spoke quietly, choking back tears.

I slammed the door shut and stared him down. "Do you think I don't want my babies back? Do you think I fucking enjoy this?"

Johnny looked down and I scoffed.

"Do you think I like to wake up alone every morning? Do you think it makes me happy knowing that if I didn't go over there, this wouldn't have happened? My best friend is fucking dead, Jonathon. My children are across the country, they're living with a psychopath!" I screamed.

I walked towards Johnny and got into his face. "After all of the fucking shit we've been through, you still have the nerve to only think of yourself."

He stared at me and sighed. "I'm sorry."

"I love you, I really do. But shit, you're a handful sometimes."

"I know." He pulled me into a tight embrace, and I gladly accepted it. "Listen babe, I was thinking about something."

I kept my tight grip on him and looked up at him.

"I think, if we want to get any closer to finding James and Kailyn, we should move out there. We could track them down better that way." He said, slowly.

"It's not up to me. You need to talk to Matt about that."

"No, you don't understand." He pulled away from me. "Just us."

"What? You want to just leave them behind? They're our family, Johnny we can't do that." I was shocked.

"I don't know, okay?" Johnny sighed, he looked exhausted. "We have a family to think about. Do you know how many people want this gang gone? We're putting ourselves in danger just by calling them our friends."

I sat there with my mouth agape. I can't believe he wants to leave them all behind.

He continued, "I want you to really think about it okay? I just want what's best for my family. I just want us to be safe."

I stared at him. I understand how heartbroken he is over all of this, but how could that push him to abandon the people who love him?

"I'm gonna shower, okay? I smell like a liquor store." He kissed me on the cheek and walked away, leaving me totally speechless in the middle of the kitchen.

"God damn." I muttered.

Notes

The first chapter is up!
What do you guys think!
There's a lot of tension between Liv and Johnny!
Do you think Liv is gonna go through with the move?
Will she tell someone what Johnny is planning?
How is everyone else coping with what happened?
Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated!
Stay tuned and enjoy! <3
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