My Fucking Nightmare

Audrey loved hearing me play piano. In fact, she loved pretty much any instrument I played. Rather, any instrument we all played. She babbled along with the notes and squealed in excitement the faster we played. This kid was born to rock, I swear to god.
The last few weeks were a rocky transition. It was hard on her. On us. I’d say neither of us slept much, but when we did I often had her cradled in my arms either on the couch or sitting up in the recliner my mom bought for us. When she found out I was a father, she lost her shit. And I mean, absolutely lost it. I couldn’t tell if it was anger and rage or disbelief that her son finally gave her a long-deserved grandchild. She flew in that night and took me shopping the next day.
All of the stuff Brian and Melissa bought was given to me. The bassinette, all her clothes, her bottles, formula. Everything. I don’t think there were many hard feelings there. Some, yes. I’m not entirely sure how those two resolved everything in such a short time frame, but man was I glad to hear the outcome. Disappointed, yes, because I thought Brian was actually going to leave Melissa. Just…nothing would have been the same.
Audrey did need her mom lots, though. Especially the first few months. It was typical for any baby. Melissa would come by and breast feed and do her mom-daughter things while Brian and I hit the studio or the gym. After all this stress, he and I combated the issues we still had by pumping iron. And it worked. Time really does heal most wounds.
Only, there was definitely something not right about Brian entirely. I wasn’t sure if maybe he still had some trust issues with Melissa or if he was just distraught with all the losses and mishaps within the last year. I assumed the latter. I wasn’t going to bring it up. He had his own way of dealing with things. And perhaps he was just upset with not having the kid around anymore.
Personally, and call me selfish for thinking this, I didn’t think Brian was ready to be a dad anyway. He didn’t have that leadership skill. That carelessness of being mocked for baby talking. I mean, when she was born, he cared less about the kid than about Melissa. He basically shoved the little brat into my arms and handed her off. Like, Merry Christmas Matt. Here’s a baby. I didn’t mind, but for someone who was so hell bent on having a family, he wasn’t all too keen on the baby thing. Which worried me maybe more than it should have, for Melissa’s sake.
So, on days when all I could do was think of the worst stuff of the past, I played piano. I sat my daughter up in her little play area, as she was now strong enough to hold her head up, despite how wobbly she was. I watched her interact with her stuffed toys and listened to her endless chatter as my fingers danced along the keys.
Days like today, like the rainiest Sunday I’d seen in Los Angeles so far, when Jimmy pranced through my door and stomped goofily toward Audrey in the middle of the living room. Bishop didn’t bother bolting to the door anymore, poor old injured bastard. He lay protectively on the outside of the enclosed area, watching her just as I did. Waiting for her to topple over and giggle as she did. And the moment she realized Jimmy was here, she squealed. “She’s got your lungs, Matty.” Jim groaned, bending down to scoop her up. “Hello, poopster.” Cue jumbled baby banter.
I continued playing, choosing the rhythm of Seize the Day to soothe her a little. She calmed and bounced in Jimmy’s arms, sucking on two of her fingers and letting a river of drool dribble down onto his hand. I laughed when he wiped it off, trying to act nonchalant about it. “We talked about this drooling thing, kiddo. Gotta watch the hands. They’re more special than your daddy’s, you know.”
“I think her diaper needs to be changed, man.” I watched Jimmy’s eyes grow wide as he slowly lowered her back down into her play area. “What, can’t handle a little mess?”
“Poop is for pops, pops. Beer?”
“No thanks.” I stopped playing and pulled myself away from the stool, picking the smelly little bundle up off the floor. Jim followed me to her bedroom, finally completely set up. Thanks mom. I laid her down on her table and opened her onesie to find the not so pleasant surprise of an overfilled diaper. Ah, parenthood. “Any progress today? Couldn’t make it because Melissa was sick.”
Jim shrugged and leaned against the doorway. “Just finalizing some shit. Although the Maddens showed up about halfway through. They said you’re supposed to call them about a collaboration.”
“Fuck, that’s right. We were supposed to do that months ago. Guess it slipped my mind. Here, watch her. I’ll give them a call.” I tossed the nasty diaper into the bin and left the room to find my phone. Benji’s phone went straight to voicemail. I left a message telling him to get back to me and hung up. They were probably still at the studio. “Well, how’s Phil feeling about the new record?”
“Uh, he says it’s good. He wants to have the demo sent to the label by next week sometime. I think Zack’s got a few bits he wants to redo. Other than that, we’re pretty much done.”
I nodded, half-listening. Lately my patience with the whole production crap was just in the gutter. Life was getting in the way. “Right, well if Melissa is feeling better tomorrow we should be on track. I guess I could take little one with me.”
“Mm, she might like it.” Once I buttoned her onesie up again, making sure it wasn’t soiled, Jim scooped her up again and carried her back out to the living room, sitting on the piano bench. He pressed a couple keys, and then she pressed a couple. And by pressed, I mean slammed. And then giggled about it. “Terrorist.”
I coughed between chuckles. “Musically inclined terrorist, maybe. Definitely my kid.”
“How is it going with that, anyway?” Jim probed, probably hoping he wasn’t treading on thin ice. “I haven’t seen you all together since the fight.”
My smile snuck away. Audrey noticed and started to pout, shining enormous brown eyes over at me. “Things aren’t bad. Better than I expected. Well, not that I was expecting anything, honestly. They went to couples counselling and I got a baby out of it, so. Brian’s the only one who didn’t really…change. If that makes sense.”
Cocking an eyebrow, he kicked his feet up on the arm of the sofa and bounced her on his skinny little stomach. “We don’t feel any tension anymore. Anymore. Got pretty bad for a while there, bro. Like, what might have happened if it didn’t go the way it did?”
“Bloody murder on someone’s accord, maybe.” I got chills just saying that. “What’s Jamie’s cousin saying now, anyway? No weird forebodings?”
He raised both eyebrows in bewilderment and blew a raspberry on Audrey’s belly. “Uh. She’s unsure whether the other fetus was what her prediction of death just happened to be. Eerie shit, man. I wouldn’t think too much into it.”
I pursed my lips, watching my daughter pull at Jim’s hair. He was so good with her. “I just have this gut feeling, you know?”
“Yeah. I do too, kinda. Jamie and I are trying for a little one again. Sorry, off topic.”
“No, that’s awesome, dude. We need a little lightening up. Seriously, if not for the kid I’d probably be insane by now. With everything that’s happened lately, I just…ugh. You know what, this is probably the happiest I’ve been in ages. Maybe a year or two. Having a sense of purpose, a reason for waking up in the morning. This little person has no idea just what trouble she got her daddy in, and out of all that trouble I’m gonna love her to pieces.”
Jim passed her over to me and sipped back a good few swallows of my beer. Not like I was gonna drink it. “The dad look suits you. She’ll keep you grounded.”
“She reminds me of Melissa.”
“Man, not this can of worms again. You’ll find a nice lady, Matt. She’ll love you and your little girl the way you both ought to be loved. And all will be just and even in the world again. No more of this sadness bullshit, no more longing for a married woman.”
I sighed. “She’ll always be the mother of my child, Jim. And if it’s the only remaining link I have to that reality, then so be it. I won’t love Audrey any less and I won’t love Melissa any less as her mother. Brian will always be my brother, as will all the rest of you. No other woman in my life will matter as much as Audrey or Melissa. And I’m okay with that.”
The rest of my life was made out for me. I knew I’d be happy. I knew I’d be whole again. I just needed the gut feeling to go away.

Notes