My Fucking Nightmare

I felt like I’d died for the second time. Only this felt much, much worse. I was drowning in self-hatred. A rage-fuelled recipe for disaster where everything came to a head. It was war on three fronts. None of us could win. Only…call a truce. Which we did, sort of.
Jimmy was probably the one thing stopping Brian from bashing my skull in with the leg of the coffee table. Melissa wouldn’t have stopped him. Melissa would probably have been next. Man, I was lucky Jim was there. I wish I could have said that in the hospital. I wished this whole thing just could have been a dream. A stupid dream where Melissa and I still had that stupid power connection thing and we would have been forewarned to leave well enough alone. Without that stupid trip to Vegas, without all that emotional bullshit swimming up to the surface.
Without ending in the loss of my best friend. Only, it wasn’t over yet. He was just as numb as I was. I watched his face, little twitches here and there as he stared into blank nothingness. Soaking it all in. hell, if I was in his shoes I’d be a fucking mess right now. I mean, we all knew how well I dealt with stuff like this. Only now, Brian knew just what I felt to be betrayed by the one person I thought I knew the best.
To be lied to by my own wife. Who swore an oath and signed papers legally tying us together for the remainder of our mortal lives. Through sickness and health, life and death. Now we were all figments of imperfect marriages. Lies piled on top of lies and indiscretion. How was there anything good to come of this?
I zoned out for some time, reflecting on my childhood. I grew up without siblings, spending most of my time with my father who had passed away when I was still young. He taught me many a thing about becoming a man. Respect your mother, learn from your mistakes, and never hurt a woman.
Never hurt a woman, Matt. Under no circumstances, ever hurt a woman. I lived by it all this time. And here we were, Brian’s wife, the love of my life, sobbing uncontrollably on the floor. Damage I made with the choices I was given. All lost in the fabric of time. My head was spinning. Hell, dad was probably rolling in his grave.
Brian reached over to me, extending his hand. I hesitated. He insisted that I take it, and when I did, we shook. “I’ll never look at you the same again because of what you did. But if you think that what happened will make me stop treating you as my brother, I’ll just call you fucking stupid.”
I sat there, shocked. What? Forgiveness? “Why?”
“Because it’s what the better man does. You might be the father of my kid. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna love her any less. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna love Melissa any less. She was almost killed, for Christ sake. After all that, would I just walk away now?”
“Brian…” I whispered. Felt the flood of emotions I’d tried hard to not let wash over me. “Brian, no.”
He got up from the floor and brushed off the dirt and the dust. His nose stopped bleeding, and the bruise around his eye started to develop. Same eye as last time. “If it wasn’t for the fact that there’s a kid involved now, I might have a much different way of dealing with this.” He sniffled. “I was raised to never break promises. If you think that mom and dad never had problems like these in their time, think again. Dad had an affair. Mom had an affair. They moved on. They’re still together. It made them stronger. Like hell if I’m gonna just…forget about all this, but I’m sure as hell not gonna let it weigh me down.”
He shot his glare toward Melissa. Instantly his gaze softened. “If I could still love you after what happened, why would I stop now? Matt’s no stranger. I know where he’s been. He might have knocked you up but he didn’t give you AIDS like they could have.”
Melissa swallowed hard, refusing to make eye contact with him. All she said was “I’m sorry,” over and over.
Brian pulled me down from the couch cushion and into a hug, pulling her in with us. “You guys are my family. I love you both. Jimmy, you too.” He was still here? Huh. “We’ll get through this. We will.”
I wasn’t sure whether to be weirded out or genuinely happy that I was still breathing. Brian had the same strength Melissa did. And I suppose in a sense, it was what made their relationship so special. Still, I was the same old jealous and angry bastard I was before all this happened.
The worst was over. I needed it to be. For the sake of my child and her mother, I needed peace. And on top of that I needed to think of a way to make this shit work. For now, I’d leave it alone. The idea was probably still very sore. “I need to go home.” I muttered, looking down on my shirt full of blood and sweat. I was, and probably always would be, a fucking mess.
I left Brian’s without saying a word. When I got to my place, well. There wasn’t much I could do besides strip down and shower. When would the numbness pass? When would I feel like the indestructible leader of the band I really actually put blood, sweat, and tears into?
Ugh, this life was a mess. Everything was a mess. And I had no idea what level my head was on. Feelings for Melissa? The realization I now had a child who bore my blood and legacy…hardly underwhelming. Loyalty to my brothers was something I swore upon. Was this what it felt like to have it all? To finally have climbed to the top to look down on everything I’d worked for?
It doesn’t count if I cheated to get there. Only, I couldn’t throw any of it away. My child, her mother, my friends and family. It would maybe have been an appropriate time to call in and let Phil know that for the time being, I was on a personal break. A well-needed break where I could gather all my ducks into a row and see what needed to be reprioritized.
Of all the thoughts that were running through my head, the clearest one that rang through was the contemplation of the custody of Audrey. Where would she be kept? And how often, for how long? Ugh, the stinging in my soul wouldn’t fuck off. The whole twist of fate bullshit was enough to eat me alive and I swore that as long as I lived I’d never tamper with any of it again. Mediums especially. They were the bringers of evil and misfortune as far as I was concerned.
I showered just long enough that it felt as though my skin were about to slough off. Penitence was probably the most sobering, humbling force out there. Maybe shame, too. All that anger and self-loathing would keep piling on until I either dealt with it or walked away.
My dad once said that only cowards walk away, but heroes die fighting.

Notes