My Fucking Nightmare

Four months after Brian and I began seeing each other, he officially asked me to move in with him. Naturally, with the time frame being so short, and his proposal being so immediate—save from the few times he actually told me he wanted me to live with him in the near-future—I felt it was appropriate to feel overwhelmed, slightly nervous. But I felt it was the right decision to make. We may still have been in that excited, teen-like honeymoon phase; still, I knew when to follow my heart. And I knew Brian would do no wrong. He was far too humble.
The hardest part of all this was telling Harriet. She freaked out last time when I brought it up. Then again, she was very bitter that Matt wasn’t treating her the way Brian was treating me. Things got heated, hurtful words were said, and to be honest I never really did apologize. Although I should probably make it clear that since then, Harry and Matt have been growing pretty strong. They had some kinks to work out still, as did Brian and I, and it would take time.
I’ll admit it was a lot of work maintaining a relationship with someone whose life and career revolved around music and fame. We both sacrificed a lot of time to see each other. In turn, opposite to what I expected, my career flourished. He gave me the inspiration I needed to write what my publisher asked.
For the time being, as the boys steadily produced their album, I was in denial that soon after its release they’d be leaving for their first tour. Brian told me he wanted me fully moved in before he left, as it would have been better for me with all the space, and the peace and quiet on the hill. He promised everything was going to be fine. I had no option but to trust him, even though every fibre of my body screamed in agony at the thought that I’d be sleeping in his bed—soon to be our bed—alone for months at a time.
All the reassurances everyone else had given me calmed my nerves more and more. Jimmy, of all people, kept telling me that he “wouldn’t let Brian do anything stupid” and that “he and Brian were usually attached at the hip on tours anyway”. Thanks, Jim. So the idea of it all was still overwhelming, but I had to keep holding onto the faith I had that Brian wouldn’t let the stardom get in the way of our newly developing lives.
I began to wonder how Harriet was handling it all. Perhaps she’d forgotten, or just didn’t care. I hadn’t seen her in days; the nights she worked were the nights I chose to sleep at home. Brian and I still needed time away from each other before we started sharing everything. I wondered if it was too early to pack. “Two more months,” he repeated. “Two more months until I want you to move in, so you can give Harriet some notice so she can find a roommate.” He was so considerate. I’d suggest Matt moving in there in my place, but I felt our apartment was a tad too small for someone as bulky as him.
At first, I started moving some clothes in. He had a spare dresser he used to stash all his promo shirts and stuff. Some hats, bandanas. Whatever trinkets he found around the world. The top drawer soon became my lingerie stash. After all, I was certain we’d only be intimate in his bed since my bed was almost a quarter of the size. From time to time I’d subconsciously leave an item of clothing there.
As exciting as it all was, I felt horrible for Harry. She’d have to live here in this shitty apartment while I was living up on the hill with the big shots, enjoying the perks of having a rich guitarist boyfriend. She had Matt, but I knew this would get pretty personal very fast once my last box was packed. She’d guilt trip me as she did before. I mean, what was I supposed to say? Sorry that Matt had a lot more insecurities than Brian. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t be happy.
In all fairness, I’d be giving her a reasonable amount of notice. Two to three months to figure out living with another roommate, a stranger like I’d been at first. Then perhaps one day Matt would stop being afraid of the past and do what Brian and I were doing. Moving on, starting over.
I figured the best way to break it to Harriet was by preparing a fantastic dinner. A bottle of chardonnay, some steaks. She wasn’t much of a steak eater, except on special occasions. It was on Brian’s dime, bless his soul. Had to at least try and keep a stable friendship with her, seeing that our boyfriends were particularly close. How upset could she have gotten? She knew it was coming. It was just the calm before the storm. Arguably, there didn’t have to be a storm. I was just so nervous about what she’d make it out to be that I began tripping over my thoughts on how to gently roll into the topic.
Shockingly, however, she took it quite well. And she even ate the whole bloody steak. When I asked her if she was okay, her response was quiet as expected, however I didn’t hear as much sadness as I did disappointment. Maybe a tinge of jealousy. “I’m sorry, Harriet.” I repeated several times, reassuring her that I wasn’t just about to walk out of her life. “You should know that I’m not doing this because you were a bad roommate.”
“I know.” She sighed, sipping more of her chardonnay. “Trust me, I see how Brian looks at you. How he treats you. It’s…incredible. And Matt’s just so broken. As if I’ve been expecting the same from him. Of course I feel so bad about it, too.”
“Well, don’t feel bad. Just gotta give it time, is all.” We brought our dishes to the kitchen simultaneously. “There is one thing though…that I forgot to tell you. Just so you don’t stress out. I only found out just before dinner, so I’m probably just as freaked out as you’re gonna be. But Brian offered to pay the remainder of my lease. So there’s no stress about finding a roommate right away.”
Her eyes widened. “Holy fucking shit, that’s like eight months of rent. How nice of him.”
I shrugged, scraping what leftovers I had on my plate into the foul-smelling garbage. I noted to take it out once dishes were done. “Yeah, I couldn’t believe it.”
“You got lucky with him, Melissa. Fuck, am I ever jealous.”
I gave her the ‘you’re-kidding-right?’ look, then dipping my plate into the sink full of piping hot, soapy water. Harry scrubbed away at the dishes and I toweled them off. “Matt’s just like Brian. He’s had a rough patch with his ex, and I’m sure Brian would be the same way…if he had a girlfriend since high school.”
Harriet burst out in rich laughter, noise I hadn’t heard in a long, long time. “We need to combine the two. Get the best of both worlds, minus their flaws. Two of the most perfect boyfriends in the world, all ours.”
“You’re out there, dude.” I laughed, tossing suds at her. “So you’re okay, then?”
Nodding, Harriet paused and stared down at the sloppy water. “Hopefully my next roommate will be just like you.” She then dried her hands and headed to her bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind her. I hoped she wasn’t crying in there. Once I finished drying the dishes and stacking them in their respective spots, I retreated back to my room as well. I had a couple texts from Brian and one from my boss, but for the time being I’d ignore them all and stare into the void of my soon-to-be old bedroom, wondering what to pack first.

Notes