Another shot of whiskey slid down the back of Brian's throat, the man grimacing at the taste. His mind was buzzing; an ever-spinning cyclone of pain and regret and hatred. He slammed the shot glass onto the surface of the bar, giving the bartender an expectant look. The slender, blonde woman gave him a wary look, raising her brows as she took the glass from him.

"I think you've had enough, darlin'."

Brian simply sat there for a moment, thinking out his next move. He stood from the bar stool and pulled his wallet from his back pocket, tossing a crisp twenty dollar bill onto the counter. After shoving his wallet back in place, he stepped out the door into the cool California night, pulling his black leather jacket just a little tighter around his torso. He tugged a pack of Marlboro's from the pocket at his side and lit up, inhaling what he needed so desperately before continuing his long walk home.

But where is home?, he asked himself. His entire life had been ripped mercilessly from his hands when Michelle left, leaving him to live with his friends until he could find his own place. He had stayed with Johnny the previous night, which had proven to be quite.. interesting, to say the least. Lacey had also spent the night, and let's just say the walls weren't exactly the thickest.

Brian shook the thought from his head, scrunching his nose in disgust and raising the cigarette to his lips, taking another slow drag as he made his way down the empty sidewalk. He let his feet carry him straight ahead until he finally reached a decision. A few short minutes later, he found himself at Matt's front door, knocking against it with his knuckles. He flicked his burned out cigarette to the ground and stomped it out.

"Gates?"

Brian glanced back up to see Matt standing in the doorway, looking very confused.

"Oh, hey man," Brian responded, giving Matt the best smile he could fake.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but.. what are you doing here?" Matt asked, standing back a bit and allowing Brian to step past him into the house.

"I, uh," Brian started, kicking his shoes off and running a hand through his spiky, black hair. "I kinda need a place to crash."

Matt furrowed his brows, leaning closer to Brian and placing his nose against the crook of Brian's neck. Several goosebumps erupted onto Brian's skin from the contact as Matt pulled away, offering Brian a small grin. "Dude, you reek."

"Shut the fuck up, Shads," Brian groaned, smacking at Matt's shoulder and lazily dragging his feet on the way to the living room. "Where's Val?"

Matt followed the older man into the room and rubbed at the back of his neck, clearing his throat quietly. "She's staying with Michelle for the weekend. She wanted to be there for her, I guess."

Brian's body collapsed against the couch, his face buried into one of the pillows as he groaned out in exhaustion. Matt stood back and observed his friend, chuckling lightly and shaking his head. "Bri, you know you can take the guest bedroom, right?"

"I don't want to move," Brian mumbled into the fabric, his arms and legs going completely limp.

Matt rolled his eyes and sat at the opposite end of the couch. He was somewhat used to this from being on tour. Whenever Brian would come back completely trashed, Matt would always have to take care of him. The singer tugged his friend's feet up onto his lap and pulled Brian's shoes off, his nose wrinkling at the smell.

"Dude, seriously, when's the last time you showered?" Matt questioned.

Brian simply made what sounded like a whine and brought his knees up to his chest, curling up into a ball and mumbling, "Shut up, Matt."

After a few more minutes of bitching and complaining from Matt, Brian simply couldn't take anymore, and he pushed himself to his feet. He stumbled his way over to the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him, ridding himself of his clothes and hopping into the shower. As soon as he was good and clean, he stepped out and grabbed the nearest towel, wrapping it around his waist and pushing the bathroom door open. Brian peeked out into the hall and glanced around before quickly scurrying upstairs to the guest room. He smiled slightly to himself, noticing a pile of clean clothes on the king-size bed. Brian pulled the towel away from his slender hips, tossing it to the floor and picking up the pair of boxers Matt had left for him. He tugged the piece of clothing up his legs and let them rest at his hips.

His hands found a black t-shirt resting on top of the mattress and Brian spun on his heel, drawing in a soft gasp when he was met with Matt's gaze. Brian let out a soft, nervous laugh, flashing Matt a small grin. "Dude, you scared me."

Matt's eyes roamed over what was exposed of Brian's body, a small smirk playing at his lips. "Y'know, Val always tells me that I smell good. Says the soap I use really turns her on."

Brian's brows furrowed slightly, his stomach turning just a bit as he spoke. "I'm sorry, man, it was the only --"

"I'm starting to understand why."

Just like that, all the memories came flooding back. Deep down inside himself, Brian knew how this night would end. It's how almost all of his drunken endeavours ended. With Matt. The emotional state he was in had nothing to do with Michelle leaving. He never loved her. But it had everything to do with the small circle of silver wrapped around Matt's finger. It had everything to do with the fact that Brian would always be a second choice to Matt. He was nothing but a convenient fuck for him when Val wasn't around. All the pain, regret, and hatred that Brian had tried so hard to drink away was slowly creeping back into his mind.

But the simple contact of Matt's lips against his made all that wash away.

-----

Brian awoke with a familiar pounding in his head, his eyes slowly blinking open as he tried to take in his surroundings. He glanced downward, the white sheets gathered lazily at his hips. A tired groan escaped his lips and his head fell back against the pillows, his hands dragging down over his face.

"Oh, good, you're up."

Brian's head quickly turned in the direction of Matt's voice. The younger man was standing in the doorway, a pair of boxer-briefs clinging to his hips and drawing every ounce of Brian's attention to the obvious bulge between Matt's thighs. Matt cleared his throat, causing Brian to snap out of it and look back up into Matt's eyes.

"You gotta go, man. Val's gonna be home soon," Matt said, casting a nervous glance to the side every few seconds.

Brian's heart dropped right out of his chest and he nodded slowly, his gaze dropping to the floor. He pushed himself to climb out of the bed, gathering his clothes and pulling them on as quickly as he could manage before slipping out the front door without a goodbye.

-----

Matt carried the laundry basket down to the basement, setting it on top of the dryer. A soft yawn escaped his mouth as he unloaded the dirty clothing from the pile, tossing each piece into the washer. He chuckled as he came to Brian's smelly old clothes from the previous night, picking up his torn jeans. His fingers dug into the pockets to make sure they were empty, and he came across a small folded up piece of paper. He glanced around, making sure Val wasn't around before opening it.

"Dear Matt," was as far as he got before his cell phone began to ring. It was Brian.

Matt's eyes did a quick scan of the letter as he answered the phone. "Hey, Brian. What's up?"

"Do you have my clothes there by any chance?"

"Yeah, man. I was just about to wash 'em. Why?"

Matt heard a loud sigh come from the other end of the phone and he chuckled. "Whatever you do, please don't read the letter."

"Why not?"

"Because I want to tell you what it says myself, asshole!"

Matt laughed, crossing his arm over his chest. "Alright, what does it say, then?"

There was a long pause on Brian's end, and Matt could tell he was taking a few deep breaths before he spoke. "It says that I l-"

A loud crunching noise came through the earpiece and Matt had to hold the phone away, narrowing his eyes for a second. The sound of metal on metal came screeching through and Matt's stomach twisted in horror, his eyes widening. He raised the phone back to his ear, his breath coming in short, frantic pants.

"Brian? Brian, talk to me!" Nothing. "Brian, are you there?"

Matt's phone and the letter were tossed away carelessly as Matt sprinted up the stairs, grabbing his jacket before running to his car.

-----

Dear Matt,

By the time you read this, hopefully I won't be anywhere near you. It's fucking embarrassing. Anyway, I guess I should just get to the point. I don't think I can do this anymore. Whatever this is. It's not that I don't enjoy it, because I really fucking do. It's what happens afterward that I can't take anymore. You just leave, like it's.. like I'm fucking nothing to you. And honestly, when you're everything to me, that's really hard for me to put up with. I thought that maybe after we had slept together a few times, you'd change your mind about Val and be with me. I thought that sleeping with you would mean that your heart was mine. I guess that's obviously not the case.

But when we are together, and I'm in your arms, I feel complete. I don't feel so alone. And then you leave. Fuck. I guess I'm just never gonna learn, am I?

It's probably because I love you.

Whatever.

Matt had read the letter at least a thousand times now, tears spilling from his eyes endlessly. The condolences would never make up for what he was feeling inside. The pain, the regret, the hatred.

Brian's car had flipped two and a half times, witnesses said. A huge truck had blown through the intersection and T-boned Brian's SUV, sending the car flying down the road. They said his body was so mangled, they could barely identify his remains. The very thought made Matt want to puke.

He'd never forgive himself for making his best friend feel the way he did. He'd never forgive himself for never telling Brian that he felt the same exact way. He should've known that Brian loved him. And here he found himself, drowning in a pool of his own thoughts andd liquor. He could've been at the funeral. But the only words running through his head as the deadly combination of pills made their way down his throat were I guess I'm never gonna learn.

Notes

I kinda put the last part together really fast so if it sucks, I apologize.

I love you all.