I was trying to deny that maybe the truth was I shouln't even be here. I was told to not show up, even my sister didn't want to show. She went to a friend's house tonight. But I didn't, all my so called "friends" were here, at this college party.

I did my best, stealing my sister's makeup and the skimpiest of her clothes, using her blow dryer and hair products so my hair wasn't a frizzy curly mess, but it was still obvious that I was not anywhere close to the age of the party goers here.

Again the thought tried to push it's way into my mind; a fourteen year old girl doesn't belong here. There was so much booze, and drugs I couldn't name, let alone describe. I assumed it was early on at the party, but everyone looked so... wasted, while I was gingerly sipping at a can of beer that I've barely put a dent in and was already getting warm.

Inside the party house was chaotic, the music was deafening and the occupants couldn't control themselves. Topless girls were dancing in the living room, people were passed out in the hallway, and in the kitchen were so many forms of drinking games. I was almost afraid to go upstairs or into the backyard where I could hear splashing from a pool. I shouldn't be here, a fourteen year old shouldn't be witnessing this.

But what else would I be doing? Sitting alone in my empty home? My parents were out of town, my older brother was here with his friends and my older sister was, like I said, at a friends house. I really had nothing else better to do.

The time slowly passed and people started noticing me, too gone to realize how young I actually was, and I guess I could say they were generous.

"Here, take this your beer looks warm."

"Take a hit of this, it'll knock you on your ass kid."

"If you like that drink you'll love this."

That’s only what I can remember being offered, and I didn't deny anything as my better judgement slowly died with each shot or hit or pill or drink I had before. I couldn't care, even if I wanted. I couldn't describe the feelings they gave me either, I was so numb but at the same time I felt amazing. I couldn't think and forgot I was trying to avoid my brother and his friends. I wouldn't know if they found me and I wouldn't remember if they did.

Time seemed to stop for me at the party, I was so intoxicated with too many things. I was surprised I could walk.

As that thought crossed my mind I tripped over myself and tumbled to the floor, painlessly hitting the carpet and laughing at myself. Maybe I can't walk, I thought to myself, and laughed more when I imagined myself without legs. I couldn't feel them anyways so they might as well be gone. Even after the absurd thoughts had crossed my hazy mind I was already up and walking again. But it didn't feel like I was. I felt almost forced. Like I didn't want to actually get up and walk down the hallway and out the front door. But by the time I could understand that I was being forced to walk I was already slumped in the backseat of a car I didn't remember getting into.

I couldn't see out the windows because I couldn't lift myself to sit up straight, I was laying on my stomach in the backseat and my body refused to protest the strange position I was in, though I wasn't tired in the slightest. As I was trying to figure this out I didn't even stop to wonder who was driving the car, or where they were taking me.

The car stopped moving suddenly and I felt my body start to slip off of the back seat. I didn't want to move, even though I was now laying directly on my face. My nose was pressed so far into the torn and ragged upholstery of the back seat I couldn't even smell anymore. But I could hear voices speaking. I didn't care to understand them, I just felt drained... almost like exhausted without being tired.
I was turned over, my whole body feeling like sandbags and after my hair was moved from my face I realized my eyes were shut. But I didn't want them open. I didn’t want to see who was pulling me out of the backseat, and carelessly ripping my clothes off.

I didn’t want to see them molesting my body. I didn’t want to see them raping me on the trunk of the car.

I couldn’t feel at the time but what seemed like hours after I had been taken the drugs and alcohol started to wear off. I remember puking allover myself once I could feel my arms and legs again but buy that time my attackers had been long gone. I didn’t want to move, though I knew full well that I could now. I don’t know how long I laid there, naked and covered in vomit and blood, but eventually somebody found me. I didn’t tell them anything, or the cops that they called, or the paramedics that were radioed in.

I remember waking up in the hospital after passing out from a seizure triggered by the paramedic’s lights on the ambulance. I was alone when I woke up and the nurses tried desperately to get me to tell them something that would identify myself to them but I just didn’t want to speak. I was surprised when my parents showed up that night, even more surprised when they were pissed instead of worried or caring. It was a change for me, that was a breaking point.

That party remade me into who I am now. I’ll admit that it’s not much of an achievement for me to be what I am but I love this life and nobody, not even my brother will change it for me.