Chapter Forty-Two:

The next couple of weeks passed without too much excitement. I was able to go home, well to Jace’s place. It feels good to be out of the hospital. I feel like I can finally breathe again.
It feels nice to wear actual clothes again. It’s mostly just loose-fitting dresses, but it’s better than nothing. Pants are still painful.

Matt comes over a lot. We’ve been taking things really slowly. He’s been really patient. We haven’t been able to go out and really do much. I’m still healing. It feels like forever has come and gone already. I just want to be able to walk around without feeling like I’m getting stabbed all over again.

Denise suggested that I start talking to somebody professionally. I agreed to see one of her friends. Money isn’t an issue, but it would be nice to feel normal one of these days. I’ve got my first session later today.

I put my hair up in a pony tail. I opted for loose lounge pants and a tee shirt. I put socks on and slipped my Vans on and grabbed my purse. I met Gwen downstairs. She was waiting with her keys in hand. We didn’t talk during the car drive. I don’t really trust my voice. I’m nervous and I feel nauseous. I’m not sure what I’m ready to talk about yet.

We got there in less time than I expected. The psychiatrist must be good, because his office is really nice. His reception greeted us as soon as we walked through the door.

“You must be Angela.” She smiled. I nodded. “Dr. Warner is just finishing his session with another patient. He should be out shortly. You’re more than welcome to sit down while you wait.” She gestured to the array or plush armchairs and a coffee table laden with magazines and a little snack bar in the corner. I walked over with Gwen. She put her arm around me and we sat onto the only couch.

“You’ll be just fine, sweetheart.” She told me. I nodded. Time passed by slowly while we waited. We only waited about ten minutes, but it felt like it had been hours. Dr. Warner emerged following a guy my age. He patted him on the back and joked with him. They both look so relaxed. The doc looks a lot younger than I expected. Maybe this won’t be as bad as I thought it would be.

Dr. Warner walked over to us and smiled. “Will you be joining us during our session today?” He asked Gwen. I shook my head.

“No,” I answered for me. She looks surprised but she didn’t say anything. I can do this. I pushed myself up, trying not to wince.

“I’m Dr. Warner, but you can call me Alex.” He introduced himself and offered his hand. I took it and shook it.

“Angela, nice to meet you.”

“Can I get you something to drink?” He asked me.

“Water, please?”

“Of course, why don’t you make yourself comfortable and I’ll be right in with your water.” He smiled. I nodded and went through the door he came from minutes ago. It’s filled with two more armchairs, a couch, and loveseat. I sank onto the loveseat closest to the chair that looks like the one he uses. I took a throw blanket off of one of the end tables and spread it out over my legs. I’m not cold, but it’s comforting.

I looked around the room, familiarizing myself with it. It’s a dark, warm yellow color. There’s shaggy carpet and a giant basket of candy on the coffee table in the center of the room. I noted the two doors that lead out of the room. It’s nice knowing there is more than one way out of here. It helps this feel slightly less intimidating.

Dr. Warner came inside and handed me a bottle of water with an empty glass. “Here you are.” He smiled.

“Thank you.” I took the water from him. I set the cup down on a coaster and poured some of the water into it. I placed the water bottle on the floor next to me and took a sip from the cup.

“Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?” He suggested.

“How much time do we have?” I deflected.

“We have as much time as you need. I don’t have any appointments after this. I try to give as much time as needed for the initial appointment.” He told me. I nodded.

“What would you like to know?” I asked him.

“Let’s ease into things. Why don’t you start by telling me some basic things about you?”

“Alright,” I took another sip of water and put it back on the table. “I’m almost eighteen years old. I graduate later this year. I’m top of my class. My favorite color is green. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.” I told him. He smirked.

“My favorite color is also green.” He told me. “Congratulations on being top of your class. Do you want to go to college?” He asked me. I nodded.

“I’m not sure where, yet. I used to want to go anywhere that’s not here, but now… My home is here, so I’m not sure.” I told him.

“Have you already applied to schools?” He asked me. I nodded.

“I’ve gotten accepted pretty much everywhere. I just have to decide.” I told him. “It’ll most likely be a good university that’s somewhat close by that has a good program for writing.” I told him. He nodded.

“Do you have a lot of friends?” He asked me.

“I have a few close friends.” I told him. “Jace is probably my closest friend. I’ve been staying with him and his mother. You met her outside. I’ve adopted a few of Matt’s friends. He’s Denise’s son. I’m not sure if you’ve met him.”

“But, you’re not just friends with him?” He questioned.

“We’re dating.”

“How is that going for you?” He asked.

“It’s going as smoothly as it can be. He’s been great the past couple of weeks. He’s really patient.”

“That’s great. Have things always gone smoothly?”

“No.”

“How so?” He asked me.

“He broke up with me a few weeks ago before I was put into the hospital.”

“What happened?”

“He didn’t want me to get hurt because I was staying with him after Eric, my step-father, forbade me to.” I told him, trembling.

“Why couldn’t you see Matt?” Alex asked me. “If you can’t talk about something, don’t be afraid to tell me that. I won’t push you to talk about anything you’re not ready to.” He assured me. I nodded.

“Eric was, is, very possessive of me. I’ve never been allowed to date. He didn’t like other guys being around me. The only guy he’s never had a problem with is Jace. As soon as he found out about Matt, he lost it. He told me the only way to keep seeing Matt would be to submit to him, but I doubt he would’ve been okay with it, even then. You could never tell with him.”

“What did he do when he lost it?” Dr. Warner pried.

“He hurt me.” I told him. I didn’t say anything else. He nodded.

“How long has he been hurting you for?”

“A couple of years, since my mother died.” I told him.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I didn’t have anywhere to go and it’s not like he was going to let me leave. He made that much clear.”

“I see. How did Eric make you feel?” He asked me.

“Terrified, small, powerless, dirty, angry, wrong…” I told him.

“You may be small, but you’re not powerless. You’re not dirty and you’re not wrong. Do you know that?” He asked me. I didn’t say anything. “When you’re with Matt, what kind of things do you feel?” He asked me.

“I feel stronger, knowing that I’m not alone. I feel like there’s hope that I’ll be normal one day. I feel pretty and when I’m with him, it doesn’t feel like a bad thing. I feel loved.”

“Are those things that you’re able to feel when he’s not around?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you feel strong when you’re alone?”

“I feel strong, sometimes. When I think back about everything that’s happened and the fact that I somehow got through that… makes me feel strong. Other times, I feel so fucking helpless.” I told him. I clinched my fists and cried out. I still have to be careful with my fractured wrist.

“Why don’t you feel normal?” He asked me. I shrugged.

“I have trouble with intimacy. Sometimes, I can’t be touched. It sets something off. I hate yelling. Arguments and fighting makes me really uncomfortable. I get claustrophobic sometimes. I hate the dark. I don’t like being trapped in places.”

“Do you believe that you’re pretty?”

“Do I feel pretty?”

“Yes.”

“No, but I know that other people think I am. Eric always made a point of telling me just how attractive he found me and how much it affected him. If I looked different growing up, then maybe he would have left me alone.”

“Do you feel loved when Matt isn’t around?” He asked me. I nodded.

“Yes. I’ve got a good support system. When things first started to get bad, I didn’t have that. Then Jace moved into town and it changed.”

“Angela, I think you’re worth a lot more than what you’re seeing right now. It’ll take time, but you will feel strong again. Honestly, I don’t think that anyone is normal. Things are going to take time to regulate. You’re going to have to patient. It’s not going to be a stroll through the park, but there is no doubt in my mind that you can do it. You seem like a very hard worker. I know that you can overcome this. You don’t have to let this experience define you. You have everything working with you to make you successful. People like Eric… It was only a matter of time until something set him off. That’s his personality. It’s how he’s wired. If it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else. You didn’t do anything to deserve what was done to you. He’s probably been violent with people in the past. You’re allowed to feel like the beautiful, young lady you are, without feeling like it’s hurting you. Everything he did to you was about him. It wasn’t about you.” Alex told me. He offered me a box of tissues and I wiped at my face. He barely knows me and it’s like he understands things that he shouldn’t be able to. “Would this be a good stopping point today?” He asked me. I nodded.

“Yes, thank you.” I told him. He nodded.

“We can meet at the same time next week, if that will work for you.” He told me.

“I’d like that.” I stood up and folded the blanket I had been using. I grabbed the bottle of water and followed him out of the room. I pulled out my wallet and he waved it away.

“Jared has already taken care of it. If you need anything, or if you need to talk before our next session, please, don’t hesitate to call me.” He handed me a business card with his office and cell phone number on it.

“Alright. I’ll see you next week.” I told him. He patted my shoulder. Gwen got off.

“Have a good week, ladies. I’ll see you soon.” He smiled. We headed for the car.

“How did it go?” Gwen asked me.

“As well as could be expected,” I told her.

“It’ll get easier, darlin’.”

Notes

This chapter did not want to upload. It kept cutting off mid-chapter. BUT I think I finally got it to behave.