A Little Piece Of Heaven
Worries and Reassurance
Chapter Twenty-Eight:
I tossed and turned all night before giving up. I sighed and got up as soundlessly as I could, trying not to wake Jace. He stayed with me so I wouldn’t have to stay alone. He’s a good friend.
I limped downstairs. My entire body is feeling the stress. I’m hurting, more than double what I normally am. It’s ridiculous. I don’t want to take my meds, not just yet. The pain helps me keep sense with reality. The dreams felt so real. I want to talk to Matt, but then again, I don’t.
Everything he’s done and everything we’ve talked about proves what nightmare Matt wrong. It’s really fucking with my head. Everything is jumbled. I can’t think clearly about anything.
I pulled on a sweater and headed for the front door. I grabbed my keys and my mace. I locked the door behind me and started walking. I’ve walked the streets in this area plenty of times – some with Jace, some without.
The chilly air is nice. It’s calming. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared at it. It feels heavy in my hand. Who would I call? Who can I call? Would things be easier if I just picked up and left? Who am I kidding? Eric would never stop looking for me. That wouldn’t be freedom. That would be running and severing all ties. I can’t do that. I couldn’t do that. Matt, Jace, Gwen, Jared, they deserve better than that.
I feel… hopeless. I feel like, no matter what I try to accomplish, nothing is ever going to change or get better. Everything just keeps spiraling downward. I can’t keep putting up a front and pretending to be brave. It’s exhausting.
My phone started vibrating. I almost dropped it.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey, are you okay?” Matt asked.
“I’ve been better, been worse.” I sighed.
“Do you want some company?” He asked me.
“That’d be great. Did Jace call you?” I asked him.
“He may have. Hang tight, I’m on my way over.” He told me.
“Okay. Bye.” I hung up. On top of everything else, I feel like a burden. I hate it. I walked back to Jace’s house and got comfy on the porch. It scares me a little how much I’ve gotten used to Matt being there and how much I rely on him.
I trust him so much and it’s frightening. Especially, when I’m not sure if he’ll be there after everything is said and done. Eric is a wild card. He always has been. Every time I think I have him figured out, he flips everything around on me.
Matt walked up to me before I realized that he had pulled up. I jumped in surprise.
“Hey, baby,” he greeted me. He helped me up. “Do you wanna go or do you wanna stay?” He asked me.
“Would it be okay if we went back to your place?” I asked him. He nodded. “Thanks. I know it’s late.”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” He told me, kissing me softly. God, school’s gonna be a bitch tomorrow. I’m just going to need to use an IV full of caffeine.
-.-
“Can you talk about it?” Matt asked me. I nodded. “Janice is asleep and mom is at work, so we won’t be interrupted.” He promised.
“Eric called me earlier and I couldn’t shake it before I feel asleep.” I told him. He nodded.
“Is that all that happened?” He asked.
“It was… typical Eric behavior. He was jerking off while we were talking and he had a proposal for me. It just got so twisted. When I finally fell asleep, everything just morphed into a whole new monster. It felt so real. It felt so real.” I trembled.
“He’s not here. He can’t hurt you.” He told me. I swallowed, thickly.
“Not right now.” I told him.
“Can you tell me about it?” He asked. I nodded and started spewing all the gritty details. I can tell it’s making him uncomfortable, but he never made any move to leave or stop me. After I finished explaining, the silence was deadly. Neither one of us said anything for a long time. “I need you to know that I would never do anything like that to you. I’m not that type of person. A man shouldn’t be able to live with himself if he puts his hand on a woman. You’re safe with me. I will do everything I can to protect from whatever I can. I’m in this for the long haul. I’m all in, Angela. I’m not going to bail on you. I’m not going to leave.” He promised.
I gave him a small smile but couldn’t keep from crying. “You don’t know how much that means to me or how much it terrifies me. He’s not some jealous ex. He’s powerful and relentless. I don’t want you to get hurt because of this. If things get really bad, you’re going to need to walk away. I can’t have you getting hurt because of me. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. I feel so many things for you Matt. We haven’t been together long, and the way things are going… we’re getting attached so fast. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but this is real. He’s not above hurting people or me or you. Last time I didn’t know if I was going to die. I can’t ask you to stick with me through that.” I told him.
“You don’t have to. If things get to that point, we’ll talk about it then. I’m not just going to walk away. That’s not who I am. If I wanted to take the easy way out, I’d be with someone else. You’re worth the drama and everything else. I care about you.”
“And I care about you. I care about you a lot more than I should. You’re one of the only good things in my life. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Don’t worry about me.”
“If I don’t submit to him, and I stay with you… I’m not going to be the only person he goes after. You understand that, right?” I asked him. He nodded. “We might have to be apart for a while, when he’s back.” I told him. He didn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes tells me that he understands.
I tossed and turned all night before giving up. I sighed and got up as soundlessly as I could, trying not to wake Jace. He stayed with me so I wouldn’t have to stay alone. He’s a good friend.
I limped downstairs. My entire body is feeling the stress. I’m hurting, more than double what I normally am. It’s ridiculous. I don’t want to take my meds, not just yet. The pain helps me keep sense with reality. The dreams felt so real. I want to talk to Matt, but then again, I don’t.
Everything he’s done and everything we’ve talked about proves what nightmare Matt wrong. It’s really fucking with my head. Everything is jumbled. I can’t think clearly about anything.
I pulled on a sweater and headed for the front door. I grabbed my keys and my mace. I locked the door behind me and started walking. I’ve walked the streets in this area plenty of times – some with Jace, some without.
The chilly air is nice. It’s calming. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared at it. It feels heavy in my hand. Who would I call? Who can I call? Would things be easier if I just picked up and left? Who am I kidding? Eric would never stop looking for me. That wouldn’t be freedom. That would be running and severing all ties. I can’t do that. I couldn’t do that. Matt, Jace, Gwen, Jared, they deserve better than that.
I feel… hopeless. I feel like, no matter what I try to accomplish, nothing is ever going to change or get better. Everything just keeps spiraling downward. I can’t keep putting up a front and pretending to be brave. It’s exhausting.
My phone started vibrating. I almost dropped it.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey, are you okay?” Matt asked.
“I’ve been better, been worse.” I sighed.
“Do you want some company?” He asked me.
“That’d be great. Did Jace call you?” I asked him.
“He may have. Hang tight, I’m on my way over.” He told me.
“Okay. Bye.” I hung up. On top of everything else, I feel like a burden. I hate it. I walked back to Jace’s house and got comfy on the porch. It scares me a little how much I’ve gotten used to Matt being there and how much I rely on him.
I trust him so much and it’s frightening. Especially, when I’m not sure if he’ll be there after everything is said and done. Eric is a wild card. He always has been. Every time I think I have him figured out, he flips everything around on me.
Matt walked up to me before I realized that he had pulled up. I jumped in surprise.
“Hey, baby,” he greeted me. He helped me up. “Do you wanna go or do you wanna stay?” He asked me.
“Would it be okay if we went back to your place?” I asked him. He nodded. “Thanks. I know it’s late.”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” He told me, kissing me softly. God, school’s gonna be a bitch tomorrow. I’m just going to need to use an IV full of caffeine.
-.-
“Can you talk about it?” Matt asked me. I nodded. “Janice is asleep and mom is at work, so we won’t be interrupted.” He promised.
“Eric called me earlier and I couldn’t shake it before I feel asleep.” I told him. He nodded.
“Is that all that happened?” He asked.
“It was… typical Eric behavior. He was jerking off while we were talking and he had a proposal for me. It just got so twisted. When I finally fell asleep, everything just morphed into a whole new monster. It felt so real. It felt so real.” I trembled.
“He’s not here. He can’t hurt you.” He told me. I swallowed, thickly.
“Not right now.” I told him.
“Can you tell me about it?” He asked. I nodded and started spewing all the gritty details. I can tell it’s making him uncomfortable, but he never made any move to leave or stop me. After I finished explaining, the silence was deadly. Neither one of us said anything for a long time. “I need you to know that I would never do anything like that to you. I’m not that type of person. A man shouldn’t be able to live with himself if he puts his hand on a woman. You’re safe with me. I will do everything I can to protect from whatever I can. I’m in this for the long haul. I’m all in, Angela. I’m not going to bail on you. I’m not going to leave.” He promised.
I gave him a small smile but couldn’t keep from crying. “You don’t know how much that means to me or how much it terrifies me. He’s not some jealous ex. He’s powerful and relentless. I don’t want you to get hurt because of this. If things get really bad, you’re going to need to walk away. I can’t have you getting hurt because of me. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. I feel so many things for you Matt. We haven’t been together long, and the way things are going… we’re getting attached so fast. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but this is real. He’s not above hurting people or me or you. Last time I didn’t know if I was going to die. I can’t ask you to stick with me through that.” I told him.
“You don’t have to. If things get to that point, we’ll talk about it then. I’m not just going to walk away. That’s not who I am. If I wanted to take the easy way out, I’d be with someone else. You’re worth the drama and everything else. I care about you.”
“And I care about you. I care about you a lot more than I should. You’re one of the only good things in my life. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Don’t worry about me.”
“If I don’t submit to him, and I stay with you… I’m not going to be the only person he goes after. You understand that, right?” I asked him. He nodded. “We might have to be apart for a while, when he’s back.” I told him. He didn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes tells me that he understands.
This is an amazing story. Some chapters were hard to read but I was hooked. Thank you for sharing it.
2/16/18