(Matt POV)
I stared at the wall blankly as I bounced a ball back and forth between the wall and where I was sitting. I could feel Johnny’s stare on me, but I really didn’t care. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kid. She seemed so excited to hang out with me today, and I had told the guys I had plans with her. But they had to go and be total assholes and make me cancel on my girlfriend. It was probably Zach. I couldn’t shake the idea that she could be with Zach right now. The fact that right now they could be snuggling up on the couch and-
“Matt, you’re about to break my wall. Stop.” Johnny demanded, staring at me with wide eyes. I looked at the wall and realized I had been throwing the ball so hard it had started making dents in his wall. I bit my lip and set the ball down on my side, feeling a pang of guilt for almost breaking his wall.
“Sorry, bro. Just got a lot of things on my mind.” I mumbled, sending him an apologetic look. He stared intently at me for the longest time without saying anything. I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, feeling as though he were mentally pulling me apart strip by strip. Finally he sighed and sat himself down next to me. He put his arm around my shoulder and looked at me with the most serious look on his face I have ever seen.
“Matt, what’s going on with you recently?” Johnny asked. I pursed my lips and weakly shrugged. He raised his eyebrows and let out a breath. “Sanders, you haven’t been acting like yourself recently. And this isn’t even about Kid anymore. You’ve been so… tense around us. All of us. Even Jimmy can sense it, and you know how Jimmy likes to give people the benefit of the doubt.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Johnny.” I said, licking my lips. He gave me a look and disappointment flashed in his eyes.
“I’m really worried about you, man. I don’t want to lose my friend.” Johnny muttered, his eyes getting soft. I felt anger rise in me a little and I shifted.
“Are you implying that it’s Kid that’s changing me?” I questioned, my voice coming out more hostile than I originally planned. Johnny’s head back shot away in shock and he gave me a look as though I just insulted his mom.
“Of course not. I love Kid; she is the cutest thing ever.” Johnny retorted, tightening his jaw a little bit. “What I’m saying is that you have something going on in your head that you shouldn’t and it’s changing you.”
“And what exactly would that be?” I spat, anger bubbling inside me. Johnny growled in frustration and shot up. He bent forward sharply so his face was close to mine and I leaned back. For a short shit, Johnny can actually be really intimidating. My anger began leaving me upon realizing how livid I had made Johnny.
“No one fucking knows!” Johnny screamed in my face. I flinched but he didn’t budge. “You won’t fucking tell anyone what the hell is wrong with you and it’s driving us crazy!”
“Johnny, calm down. I’m sorry, bro.” I surrendered, putting my hands up in defeat. He calmed down a little, but he still looked beyond pissed. Guilt flooded me as I realized how true Johnny’s words had been. I hadn’t told anyone what was wrong with me. Not even Bri or Jimmy, and they were who I trusted the most. But I couldn’t even explain what was wrong to myself, let alone my friends. They’d call me crazy and that’d just piss me off. I looked up at Johnny apologetically and let out a deep sigh. “Johnny, I’m really sorry. I can’t even explain what’s wrong to myself, so it’d be impossible to explain to anyone else. And you know my temper, if I told one of you guys you’d probably insult me and I’d do something I might regret.”
“That doesn’t mean you should keep it to yourself, Matt.” Johnny stated, his voice full of worry. He paced a little and bit at his nail, not looking at me. “Matt, if you keep things to yourself and they really get under your skin it’s going to eat you alive. Remember when Zach was having his parental issues but he refused to tell us until it was too late? He was fucking screaming in his sleep. He got so fucked up because of that. You need to talk to us, because I’m not going to watch you get eaten.”
“You’re a really good friend, Johnny.” I whispered, staring at Johnny in admiration. Johnny always knew what to say and that made me feel a lot better. Johnny stopped and smiled at me. He sat down next to me and began staring at me, waiting for me to begin. I wanted to; I wanted to tell him what was bugging me so bad. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it. He wouldn’t understand. I sighed in frustration and ran a hand through my hair. His face fell and he let out a breath.
“Fine, if you won’t tell me what’s wrong, just answer me one question.” Johnny sighed, looking intently at me. I nodded and he continued to stare, his dark eyes boring into me like a spear. “Why the hell are you so cold to Zach?”
“I don’t know. He’s just been really cheeky with Kid and Kid always plays along with him. I get sort of jealous, you know?” I admitted, mentally punching myself. I am M. fucking Shadows from Avenged fucking Sevenfold… and I’m jealous of my best friend. What the fuck, dude?
“Have you not noticed that that’s just how Kid is?” Johnny questioned, looking at me with disbelief. I raised my eyebrows and he let out an exasperated breath. “Kid will always be cheeky with us. If Brian hits on her she’ll hit back, same with everyone else. That’s just Kid’s personality.”
“I know, but-“
“And also Zach has been through parental issues too, so they have that special connection of having broken families.” Johnny continued, cutting me off.
“I know, but-“
“And-“
“Bitch quit fucking interrupting me!” I yelled, getting irritated that I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. Johnny glared and I immediately backed down; I was too mentally weak to get in a fight with short shit.
“Let me finish, damn it!” Johnny growled. I shrunk down a little and he took a deep breath. “My final thing I have to say is that you began acting cold to Zach the second day that Kid was over. They weren’t even close on the second day. Why is that?”
“Err- My feelings were getting to me.” I mumbled, chewing on my lip. Johnny looked at me warily and I stared back at him. I put on a sarcastic smile and sat up a little. “Yeah. Since the great and powerful Matt Sanders has never had feelings before, they became so overpowering that I now have a period.”
“That explains why you’re pissy five days out of the month.” Johnny laughed, punching my arm lightly. I grimaced but smiled back, thankful for getting off the serious topic.
“You seriously told Kid that I’ve never had feelings before?” I questioned, raising my eyebrows. Johnny smiled widely and nodded.
“Because you’ve never acted like this before with any other girl. Not one. You’ve always been so stoic with your relationships, and then Kid comes along with her almost-getting-raped and you’re like a freaking puppy dog.” Johnny explained. I nodded and chuckled a little. As much as I hated to admit it so many times in one day, Johnny was right. I’ve never taken relationships seriously with other girls, which often cut my relationships short. And then Kid came along and suddenly it felt like I was back in high school and I was experiencing my first girlfriend. It was frustrating, especially since I’d been so on and off with her, sometimes even trying to scare her away. I had feelings so strong for her, so strong that they scared me. Because I was scared I was hoping if she left then I would get over her. But instead of leaving she fought back, which only made me want her more. By then I just didn’t know what to do so I practically just shut myself off. Thank God she didn’t give up on me though, because everyone, including myself, would have probably punched me in the face to let someone like Kid get away. Johnny snapped me out of my thoughts by shoving my shoulder. I looked at him and he raised his eyebrows. “What are you thinking about?”
“Part of the reason I’ve been so cold to Kid is because I was trying to scare her off.” I admitted. Johnny’s eyes bulged and I pursed my lips. “Not because I don’t like her, but because of the reason that she made me have feelings. Feelings are for pussies, so I thought if I scared her off, the feelings would be gone, too.”
“You should just be fucking lucky that Kid fought back. If you lost her I think everyone would hate you.” Johnny commented, shaking his head at me. I nodded and looked down. Johnny nudged my shoulder and I looked up. He smiled at me and patted my back. “But everything’s fine now. You have Kid and things are all good.”
“Yeah.” I chuckled, smiling back at him. He stood up and held his hand out to help me. I gratefully took it and stood up, putting my arm around Johnny’s shoulder.
“How about we go play some golf?” Johnny suggested. My face lit up and I nodded happily. Johnny rolled his eyes and walked towards his door, with me following. We got into his car and headed off to the field, the car silent. After a few minutes Johnny looked at me. I stared back at him and he raised his eyebrows. “What was the other part of being so cold to Kid?”
“That’s the part I can’t tell you.” I answered, pursing my lips. Johnny bit him lip and sighed before looking back at the road.