I can’t feel anything – why can’t I feel anything? Is this what it’s like to be dead? If so, I don’t like it. I’d rather be alive than in this void of darkness.

As soon as I saw Will with Payton, my whole world shattered. I thought for sure things would turn out different this time, but I was so wrong. And the whole thing with Brian just made it so much worse.

Running around outside in the middle of the night didn’t do much except make me more anxious. I know that in stories, people usually go outside to clear their heads and hopefully feel better. But I just happen to be unlucky enough to be one of those people who can’t find it within themselves to do this. I tried at least; that has to count for something.

Going home was more of an in-the-moment decision. I was sick of living, but I’d rather die in a way so that everyone knew the pain they caused me. At this point, I don’t care if it seems selfish or not. Because it’s over now; I’m dead.

At least I think I am.

I just wish things could’ve been different. I wish I had been born later – or better yet, not at all. But maybe if I had been born later, I wouldn’t have been as much of a mistake. Maybe then Zack would have loved me like he appeared to love Erin.

Erin… She did this to me. I know she’s the one behind this. She’s always had it out for me; like my life decisions affected her. Well, aside from us coming to California, they really didn’t.

Things would have been better if she just left me alone for once. Sometimes, simply being alone was enough, but that was never an option for me. There was nowhere to go; nowhere to hide.

And as for Mom, well, let’s face it; she never really cared about me. I’ll have to hand it to Zack and the rest of his band – at least they actually made an effort to pretend they did. But Mom just made it obvious that she wished she could’ve just had one – that Erin had been an only child and I never existed. It makes me wonder what her reaction will be when Zack calls her and tells her about what I did. Will she cry about it? Or will she just shrug it off and move on like I never existed in the first place?

And of course, there’s Will. I know he ran out after me, but I eventually lost him. I hate myself for even thinking I could trust him. Because chances are, the more people you trust, the more they’re just going to end up hurting you in the end. Sure, I have only ever trusted three people in my life. One died, the other cheated on his wife with me, and the other kissed my twin sister’s best friend. But they all killed a part of me, and Will was just the detonator for my ultimate demise. So much for the drug cartel; I made so much money from it, but Erin should know where it is now. At least someone will be able to make use of it.

My biggest concern is whether or not people are going to find out the truth? I mean, they probably will eventually – about Jimmy. It’s not like I didn’t write it down at one point. The best part is, the journal that I did it in, is here in California.

What about my funeral? Will anyone really care that I’m dead? Will just Zack and Erin show up? Or would the whole band – wives and all? Would Brian even show up? I can’t decide whether or not he’d be an idiot or not if he did so.

I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about any of this. I just want to stop thinking – isn’t that supposed to be a part of dying? But then, how many people have ever died and come back to life, to tell us just what happens? None; the mind is a powerful place – it can recreate our wildest dreams for us, all inside our heads. For all I know, this darkness I’m being forced to “live” in could just be a figment of my imagination, using the last few minutes I have left to live to imagine it.

But if this is truly what death is, forever tormented by your own endless thoughts, then ending my life was not worth it. I’d rather live my life until I died of old age, or some incurable disease. Because if I died now, and I was forced to listen to myself think for all eternity, then I would forever be haunted by my depressing thoughts; I just want to find peace.

But what if I’m not dead? Maybe I’m just unconscious – yes, that’s probably right. I’m probably in the hospital. I remember… Zack cradling me and crying over my dying body. He was… crying…

He was crying…?

I don’t understand. Wouldn’t he be happy if I died? Wouldn’t everyone be happy if I died? Why wouldn’t they be?

Now I know I don’t want to die. I can’t die. I can’t die without answers. I have to push through; I have to live. I need to know if dying is really worth it – or if there’s a way I can fix my shithole of a life. And most of all… Most of all, I need everyone to know the truth. I can’t keep my problems inside any longer – all this time, my biggest problem was that I can’t say what I want to say. I can’t tell anyone that I’m hurting inside – that I’m dying. Perhaps maybe if I tried that, things won’t be as bad.

I have to live. I have to.

Notes

A/N: Only one more chapter until the epilogue guys ^_^

So I lied a little when I said that I wasn't planning on writing the sequel until I was done writing "Famous Last Words"... In other words, I have two and a half chapters written already and I am now really, really excited about it, so that's always good.

Hope you guys enjoyed =)

~WOLFY~