Insignificant

This was the first time I'd ever felt so sober while tripping so hard in my entire life-- Yet nothing made any sense in this moment. In this moment, my world began crumbling from inside out. I wasn't even sure if I was still breathing. This had to be a joke. It all had to be a joke. I was a joke. How much acid did I take? I didn't even know what to make of my feelings. I stood there, drenched in my pain again once again, and the more time goes on I'm beginning to realize what I am. That's who I am, and all I've ever known most of my life. I am pain, and I'm beginning to see that's what I'm made of. That's all I'll ever be. My memory will never forget what it has lost, but I never dreamed something like this would happen. I'm not going to lie either, I was afraid. Terrified even. I looked to Zacky, seeing his expression mirroring the look my face probably held. What did that even mean? Did he see this... This thing standing directly in front of us too? I opened my mouth slightly, still scared if I said anything I might cause an even larger problem. I could literally feel my thoughts becoming clouded, and all of the memories melting together until they all felt like a thick ink seeping from the cracks in my wall of hurt. It was all breaking loose, and I wasn't even sure exactly what "it" was. I couldn't take that face looking at me. I couldn't take that fucking face... That fucking face. I didn't know much at this point, just that I had to get out of there. It didn't make sense though... The air was becoming pressurized, and I couldn't breathe. I could see it crowding around me, bending to fit the shape of my body and squeeze. How was this possible though? Nothing I could think of made sense to me, and I don't even think I remembered my own name. I took a sharp breath and ran as quickly as I could to the fridge, slinging it open. A few items actually flew out, and crashed on the floor. I seized as many beers as I could in one arm, and frantically looked around my kitchen for my keys. I heard Zacky quickly spitting words out as he ran to me, but he didn't run fast enough. I grabbed my keys and hit the door. I had to escape this hallucination. I don't believe anybody knows how I feel anymore. When I tried running through the figment of my imagination, I was surprised to feel the solid body collide with mine. I looked directly in his eyes, my mouth hanging open. I felt like I couldn't move, but I know I had to. I forced myself to the car before Zacky had the chance to grab me by my shirt. I basically tore the car door open, and threw the beers in. After flinging myself inside, I slammed the door shut as I jammed the keys into their place. The engine roared to life in just enough time for me to see Zacky's face being lit up by the headlights while he screamed and yelled, banging on the car. I swerved out of the driveway and slammed on the gas pedal.

I reached down, snatching a beer off the floorboard. I waited until I was out of the neighborhood to attempt in opening it though. After that was done I pushed harder on the gas, running a few red lights, but who the hell cares? I rather die knowing I escaped something like this rather than not. Whatever that meant. I shoved the beer to my lips and gulped down as much as I could until I felt like I was choking. I dropped it to the floor, and closed my eyes for a second. I saw crazy patters along with mysterious shapes and colors flashing by. For a second, these things felt like comfort, but the second I opened them it looked like everything was dissolving into absolutely nothing. The road signs said things like "go back", "why?", and stuff about dying. I didn't understand any of it. I closed my eyes again but opened them faster, hoping it would change everything before me. This time, the road was melting inwards. I just wanted to get out of here. I reached down for another beer, trying to keep from going off the road. In no time I'd quickly downed it. I pushed as hard as I could on the gas, coming to the realization of what I'd actually seen back there. He... He was there. Jimmy was just standing there, looking just like he did the day I found him. Seeing him... Just seeing him like that made me feel the same emotions I felt that day come crawling back to me. They pulled me in with their sharp claws, dragging me out to the deepest part of sea. I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to keep it from loosing control of the car.
"Why don't you let go?" I heard. That really freaked me out. I looked around, but there wasn't a source where the voice could have come from. "Let go of the damn wheel." I felt a chill down my spine. I tried keeping composure, but there was something about that voice... Something about how it spoke scared me beyond anything I've ever known. I didn't question why it was here... Just why now. "I know everything about you. I know your darkest and most definitely deepest secret. You lost your best fucking friend almost what? 3? 4, 5 years ago? You walked in on him laying on the floor. YOU HELD HIS DEAD FUCKING BODY!" The voice sounded like it was coming from every direction. "AND FOR WHAT?! FUCKING HELL, YOU HELD HIS BODY FOR HELL. HOW COULD YOU HAVE LET THAT HAPPEN? WHY WEREN'T YOU THERE? And what the fuck happened to you, Brian?? Huh? How could you let your life spin this wildly out of control?! What the hell is wrong with you?" I heard laughter echoing in my ears, and the farther down this road I drove the darker it got. I saw hallucinations of the day I found Jimmy on either side of the street, and I couldn't take it. I felt a different sort of emotion boiling inside of me; a breaking point.
"Let go of the fucking steering wheel. At least then you'll be spinning almost as crazily as your life is."
And I tried to ignore it, believe me I tried. I didn't even know where I was anymore, and I didn't want to. From this point on I didn't remember much. Not much of anything. But I do remember one thing. I remember what I was thinking.
"Let. Go. Of the. Wheel, Brian."
Word for, actually: Maybe if I just listen for one second... and then crash. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

-

I stood there. I stood there, frozen in time. The second I saw Brian felt exactly like it did the first time I saw him while I was in purgatory.And now I don't know what to do. I turned around, expecting Zacky to be behind me, but instead I saw him running down the street. I took a couple of steps back, gasping when I felt something against me. I screamed in agony when I felt a firey hand grab me by the shoulders, and turn me around. "Surprise, surprise."
I was speechless. "What the hell... What the hell are you doing here?" I asked the unhuman figure. "You look even more torn and ripped up than when I last saw you. You should really work on your appearance, you piece of shit." I spat.
"Ah-ah. Be careful, you have a deal in place," A wicked smile came across his face. "I just dropped in to let you know something."
"Yeah, what's that?" I snarled.
"I visited your little friend who just took off," He whispered. "I gave him a piece of advice." And before I could say or do anything, he was gone and oh my God...
Oh my fucking God...

Notes