Trashed and Scattered

The day had finally come where I would say goodbye to the love of my life for the next two months as he travelled across the country. I wasn’t sure who was worse off between the two of us. He didn’t leave my side all morning. Of course I didn’t blame him for it, but because he wasn’t leaving until midday, we had time to enjoy each other in the morning. I dreaded each moment that passed. They swept by quicker than I could manage. I couldn’t soak him in fast enough, my beloved Brian. My Synyster Gates.
We’d packed his bags the night before so that day’s energies would resort to overcoming two months’ worth of separation anxiety. My fear of being here alone was hardly unnoticeable regardless of how much I reassured him I would be okay. He kept begging me to go to my mother’s in Nevada, but leaving her the first time was hard enough, and my pregnancy hormones wouldn’t let me live it down. I told him Alyshia and I would be spending a lot of time together as she would need help with the twins, but I was fine.
When Brian finally got around to having someone install a brand-new security system, he made absolute sure I could find all the panic buttons, remember all the alarms and tricks to making sure I wouldn’t set it off after leaving the house for a few hours. I had back-up keys to my back-up keys. For a while I was convinced Fort Knox didn’t have as much security as our house. But it would keep me safe and without reason for alarm since I was still pretty shocked about the incident from a few weeks ago.
The time was rolling around to the time that he was supposed to leave. I saw tears in his eyes and felt some of my own begin to accumulate. I hated this part. He held my head between his neck and shoulder, as tight as he could manage without hurting me. I felt his massive body shudder as he began weeping. I held it together until when he left and I’d closed the door behind him. Matt had come to pick him up in his truck where they’d then drive to their usual meet-up to load up their exclusive tour bus. Thousands of dollars pumped into these trips for gas, food, liquor. Not to mention merchandise and venue fees. Their gear took up most of the space, but because the gig was so short they didn’t need to take all the fancy stage décor. Their biggest venue was Warped Tour here in Los Angeles, which would bring the tour to its end. I debated going to their Warped Show, but home was a little more comfortable for separation sex.
I watched Matt’s truck disappear over the hill and felt the wave of sadness wash over me. It was the same feeling each time he left. Despair mixed with loneliness, angst, and hatred towards the concept of them needing to leave. He made better money this way. I just had to keep in mind that our comfortable living was all due to the dough he raked in from these tours, regardless of how they made us feel.
Not five minutes after he was gone, he texted my phone. I miss you so much already. :( I responded with the same message. He didn’t reply for another couple hours when they had finally kicked off heading into Nevada. I would have to find ways to entertain myself as usual. Maybe a little bit of writing or reading would suffice for the first week, but then my skin would crawl. I’d begin to feel like he was gone forever.
Hours became days. God, it felt like eternity being here alone. Most of my time went to being with Alyshia but surely neither of us wanted to spend all our time together. When I wasn’t with her I was on the couch or in bed, sleeping or watching the tube to pass the time. Cuddling his pillow, making sure I didn’t forget his unique scent. God, I hated this. Downright despised the loneliness and despair. Surely he felt no different, somewhere in some city across state lines playing his heart out on stage while thousands of girls begged him for sex. I don’t know how he could carry on with it for so long. Close to fifteen years of big fame, now. I’d be sick of it, that’s for damn sure.
If my sole purpose while he was away on his tours was to sit around moping all day waiting for his return, it was a pitiful meaning of existence at that. Surely there was something I could be doing to keep myself entertained. But really, I had to keep in mind that this tour wasn’t like the rest. It was a couple months. If I could keep busy for a year, I could most definitely entertain myself for seven more weeks. Only I had to stop looking at the clock and calendar. Wait patiently for his texts and calls. Don’t provoke him, make him homesick. All this I was somewhat used to, but not willingly.
Well, it was nice in a sense, having the house to myself. No stress or hassle worrying about cooking for two, cleaning for two. I could get away with wearing the same shirt for two or three days, not showering as often as I did when he was around. I practically lived on junk food. Had to fatten myself and the kid up somehow, anyway. It’s not that Brian didn’t like me bringing junk food into the house, but his willpower to sweets was far weaker than mine, and he admired his figure a little more than I admired mine. Just as I was polishing off a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, my phone began buzzing on the coffee table beside me. My heart frantically beating, I scrambled to answer it, only to realize it was Matt. I wasn’t disappointed, but a little worried that it wasn’t Brian. “Hey.” I answered, waiting for Matt to bring bad news.
“Hey, Melissa. Listen, sorry to bother you. Just had to call and talk to you about something.”
I cocked a suspicious eyebrow and answered him. “What’s up, Matt? Everything okay?”
“Oh, yeah. Everything is fine. Brian is in the shower. He said he’ll call you when he’s out. I just needed to ask a favour of you.”
“Oh, alright. What do you need?”
I heard the other boys in the background causing a real ruckus. “I guess the person who I arranged to look after my dog bailed on me. So if it isn’t too much to ask, could you do a little house-sitting, keep an eye on things, let Bishop out. I’ll owe you big time.” I laughed quietly to myself at the thought of how I could extort Matt when he got back. Fuck, his house was practically across town. But I couldn’t just let his dog waste away and shit all over the house. I could probably stay a couple nights at his place too. Make sure Bishop wasn’t lonely, for the big brute of a dog he was.
“Would you mind if I crashed on your couch a few nights? I’d keep the pup company, plus it would be a change of scenery. I’m starting to get cabin fever.”
He paused a minute. “Oh, yeah. That’s not a problem. Make yourself at home. Uh, my guy said he left the key in the usual spot. I guess you don’t know where that is though, huh. Anyways, if you look in my mail box you’ll find a little magnetic box with my key on the bottom. You’ll have to disengage the security alarm too. It’s set up like yours. The number is the last four digits of my phone number.”
“Okay, I’ll head on over there tonight before sunset. Hope Bishop wasn’t left long by himself.”
“Thank you so much, Melissa. I really do owe you one.”
“Don’t worry about it, Matt. See you soon.” Before I hung up I could swear I heard him mutter something to himself. For a moment I cringed hoping that his one-time interference in my relationship didn’t mess him up. Then I hoped not to find weird shit in his bedroom. Matt wasn’t like that from my understanding, but then again, you never really truly know someone until you encounter their personal belongings up close. I wasn’t going to snoop, nor did I want to snoop, but if I were to stumble across weird shit, it’s safe to say I’d be a little freaked out. I knew Matt had the hots for me but he was smart enough to know where to draw the line. Then again, perhaps I was thinking a little too much into it.
On a side note, I tend to think back to that crazy week of kinky experimentation and often fantasize about doing it again, still knowing it would cause more damage the next time around than it would do good for anyone. Brian would get jealous and Matt would feed too far into it. Someone else was bound to find out and we’d all get bombarded with awkwardness and embarrassment.
Shaking my head, I let these thoughts drain away before I grabbed the keys to Brian’s truck. I turned the television off, closed all the windows and shut all the blinds, running over a list of things that needed to be done before leaving the house alone for the night. It wasn’t something I wasn’t used to, but our neighbourhood was changing faster than I could anticipate, and a little paranoia could have been enough to save my ass. I left a light or two on before engaging the alarm system and closing and locking the door behind me.
The drive to Matt’s was solemn. The radio was very boring on this particular night. My life had become so gray, so empty. I prayed that things were bound to change once junior was born. I’d never be bored or lonely. Never without something to look forward to. Bishop would keep me entertained for the next while. That was, if he kept his cool with me hanging around.
The key was where I found it inside his mailbox. I cursed the sunset for not giving me enough light, even with the light of my cell phone, to find the keyhole. Bishop was barking and howling inside, jumping and clawing at the door. Lord help me keep this beast calm for the night. He wasn’t used to anyone’s presence except his daddy and the band boys. Rotties tended to frighten me sometimes too, but it wasn’t like Matt trained him to be a sadistic guard dog. A few treats and he’d be rolling on his back like a big baby.
When I finally managed to step inside, Bishop was nearly knocking me over on my ass as I tried to race the alarm. My shaky fingers barely managed to punch in the four digit code. I turned on several lights and looked around for anything that was destroyed or pissed on. He was well-trained, so it would have been a complete anomaly for a cushion to be torn to bits, or the carpet to be ruined. I scratched behind his massive ears and couldn’t stop him from drooling all over my arms. I bet I could have ridden this dog like a goddamn pony. Kind of like Matt, I joked to myself. Ooh, better not get back into that habit again.
Matt’s place was designed somewhat similarly to Brian’s. It lacked the big bay window but had a huge bar in the middle of the kitchen topped with dozens of varieties of liquor on tap. I helped myself to a tall glass of tonic water, missing the gin wholeheartedly. Bishop was frantically playing in the dewy grass of Matt’s enormous back yard. I sat on the deck watching the water in his pool flicker and flow as the wind picked up. His view of the city was absolutely phenomenal. So many lights, colours, and sounds. I’d have to run by Brian the idea of swapping houses for a week or two.
My phone began buzzing again, this time being Brian. Took him long enough. “Hey, hon.” I answered.
“Oh, hey baby!” he called across the wire. I could practically hear the alcohol in his system. “How’s your night going?”
“Pretty swell. I’m at Matt’s place just making sure Bishop had a chance to pee before he goes down for the night. Wow, his place is fucking incredible after sunset.”
“Oh, I know it is. Sorry I took so long.”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. How’s your tour going so far?”
“Long. Fucking hate it already. Barely sleeping, can’t eat much. Been drunk the whole time. Just counting down the days before I come back.”
“Brian, you know I hate when you don’t eat. You come home looking like shit and then I get mad, we fight, you stuff your face for a week straight. It affects everything. I don’t know what tour life is like. Nor do I envy you for being involved in it. But I’ll tell you this for the millionth time—fucking eat something.”
He sighed and blew a sloppy raspberry. Sometimes I couldn’t tell if my fiancée was in his late twenties or early teens. “Baby, I know how upset you get. Trust me, after tonight things are going to settle down. Phil was up our asses earlier about the first show. Apparently he thought it was garbage. Fucking whatever though, I mean he scraps a last-minute tour together with content we barely know and expects it to be a fucking masterpiece. Guarantee it won’t be a best-seller. But beats nothing, right?”
“Hey, gotta have a little fun with it, don’t you?”
“Nah, I miss you too much this time around.”
“Won’t be much longer now, Bri. Less than two months. Like, six weeks or something.”
“Mmm, then I’m gonna smother myself in you. Oh, hey when we get back, I think we ought to do that thing again that we did a little while ago. Shads kinda brought it up and I just thought I’d run it by you, but he’s down, and I’m down. Just a matter of you being down. What do you say?”
I laughed and somewhat died a little on the inside. Wouldn’t that be dangerous for the baby? “You’re drunk as fuck! But I guess I wouldn’t mind it happening again. Have to be a little gentler because of junior, but yes. Just say the magic words.”
“Fuck yes, I have the coolest lady ever.” He cut out to talk to someone in the background, sounded like Zack but it could have also been Matt. “Well, I won’t keep you. I’m pretty fuckin tired tonight, so probably going to call it a night. Just called hoping that you were okay. And to tell you that I love you so, so very much.” He started singing a little bit of one of their older songs. I rolled my eyes and sighed at how big of a goon he could be at times, but rejoiced about how grateful I was that he was so caring, even when loaded out of his mind. “I’m gonna sleep now though, I think. I’ll call you tomorrow before we hit the road.”
“Okay, my dear. Sleep well. I love you so much.”
“I love you too, Liss.” The line clicked and went dead, and I was back to my loneliness with malevolent thoughts about how it would be with Brian and Matt in bed with me again.

Notes