Trashed and Scattered

I was taken aback by the reception, the speeches made by my brother, my father in-law, Jimmy and Jamie, and eventually my huge geek of a husband. My discourse was nowhere near spectacular. Unoriginal. Brian outmatched me, but I accepted it openly. Gosh, we were married. We were married and it had been the most beautiful wedding I’d ever been to, without implying that yes, it was my own; a dream come true.
Brian escorted me to the empty space empty patio deck where all around were matching decorations, astonishingly beautiful to say the least. Two incredibly bright beams from spotlights installed on our roof shone down to the centre of the dance floor. The lighting was matched by the colourful other installments on our deck and stage. All other lights dimmed. The sunset had arrived at the utmost perfect timing for the beautiful silhouette effect mentioned by several photographers. I saw the photos later on. Oh, they were just stunning.
He took my hand at the centre of the stage, and over his shoulder I watched everyone gather around, solemn expressions watching us just as the music began to play. I recognized the song. It wasn’t one of theirs, not to my surprise, since most of their songs were wickedly fast and to say the least, perhaps not wedding material. Rather, first dance material. Some Godsmack version of a beautiful song I loved hearing on the radio. It was a little hard for the occasion, but I went with it. The dance itself meant so much more to me than the music. Plus we had to compromise even more now.
When our song was over, I was in a fit. Between all the raw pregnancy hormones, the wedding emotions, and the overlapping feelings I had about this day forward, Brian was a little more worried than I’d expected him to be. I hadn’t let go of my belly. This baby was going to kill me one way or another.
As the crowd dispersed onto the dance floor, thus taking all the pressure off me to keep composure, Brian escorted me back to the tables to sit me down and have a closer look at everything. “You’re goddamn scaring me, Melissa.”
Shrugging without knowing what to say, I went on with it. “It’s not something that’s easy, Brian. Standing up all day while the weight of the baby is carried on my back, of course I’m in pain. I’m enjoying every minute of this. You can’t say I’m not. I won’t let you think otherwise either.”
“I didn’t say you were having a bad go of it. I’m just really nervous for you. I’m almost tempted to bring you to the hospital. What is it, anyway? Braxton-Hicks?”
Clenching my eyes, I tightened my grip on my belly. His kicking had ceased but the pain was getting so much worse. And Braxton-Hicks I was used to by now. “I have no idea what this is. Our obstetrician probably won’t come into office this late at night and hospitals will just dope me up and send me home again. Unless we had some evidence that the baby’s coming…no, forget about it. I’m going back out there to enjoy my wedding with the man I love. If it gets worse I’ll let you know. But for now I just need you to help me get back up to my feet.”
“Whoa, wait. You’re saying you think the baby might be coming?” I watched the colour in his face drain. “Melissa, it’s too early. It’s only been thirty-four weeks.”
I nodded. “Bri, I know. I know. But it’s not really up to us to decide if the little stinker wants out of there. I can’t blame him, knowing what we’ve both been through.”
Matt caught up with us and towered over Brian’s shoulder. “You guys alright over here? It’s your wedding, you’re supposed to be up there! Instead it’s Jamie and the freak.”
“Having a few technical issues with the wife, Matty.” Brian said with a sigh.
“Have you tried turning her on and off again?” he laughed, revealing his irresistible dimples. I wanted to kick him in the shin. “Sorry, but really. What’s going on?”
Trying to breathe without straining myself, I climbed back up to my feet and hung from Brian, trying to catch my balance. “Pregnancy problems, nothing we gotta worry about right now.”
“Baby’s not coming, is it?”
Brian shook his head. “Not really sure what’s going on. Been on her to get to a doctor all day. But she’s been like this for…I don’t know, a few days at the least. Started just after my birthday last weekend.”
“Hmm.” He sighed. “Stress, maybe?”
Brian and I both shrugged simultaneously. “Could be.” I said, trying to sound as alright as possible, but I knew Brian wasn’t going to buy it, and neither was Matt. “I really honestly don’t know what’s happening. All I know is I’m scared, and it’s really, really hard to enjoy my wedding day when I’m worried about my fucking baby popping out too soon. There’s nothing that I can do to relieve the pain, so I might as well just get on with it.” Matt and Brian both looked at each other, unbeknownst about what to say. “Let’s just go back up there and dance a little bit. See what happens.”
“Are you sure?” Matt asked me. His tone was about as serious as Brian’s. I could see why he was concerned, but I wasn’t anywhere near patient enough to have him breathing down my back on top of Brian wondering about my condition. It just wasn’t his place. “None of us have been drinking, Melissa. It’s not like we couldn’t take you to the hospital just to be on the safe side.”
“Playing it safe, one thing that drives me nuts. I was raised to go hard or go home. Now could one of you giants please fucking help me back over to the floor so I can share dances with my loved ones?” neither of them hesitated. Both grabbed an arm and walked me over to the crowd where almost everyone was pulling me—gently—into every direction. Matt asked me for the next dance, and Brian wanted to dance with his mom, so the evening then broke us apart for the moment. Something a little lighter played and Matt pulled me into a neat little tango.
It was easier to see the worry on his face now in the light than over by the tables. He was Brian’s right hand man, regardless if Jimmy was his best friend or best man, whatever else. Matt was the guy who, besides my husband, I solely depended on. And it was a good bond. He had that raw emotion that Brian did. Something that comforted me.
I bowed my head into his chest, feeling the rumbling heart beat beneath thick flesh. Warm, subtly comforting in itself. I couldn’t read Matt as well as I could read Brian, but I was able to relate his concern for the baby as his being a man who always wanted to be a father. Deprived of that very possibility years ago. I knew Matt would have a particular closeness to this baby, as I had remembered, he feared that due to our proclivities long ago, he felt this baby was in a sense, his own. Brian didn’t seem to mind.
In fact, I also knew that we could have used all the help we could get.
The hours passed faster than I anticipated and the celebration was coming to a close. Relieving, it was, to be able to return to bed to sleep for eternity next to the man whom I’d be spending the rest of my days with. We had Matt spend the night as a buffer in case anything happened to me. He stayed on the couch and sipped a beer or two with the TV on while we settled into our bed. I was asleep long before Brian joined me; as a tradition for weddings in their circle, the groom would stay up and have a beer with whoever was there. In terms of Zack and Jimmy’s weddings, the brides shared the beers.
I heard them clamouring across the house, and could have sworn for a moment that Matt was sobbing hard. Could have been Brian, and I would have gotten up to investigate, had my condition not exhausted me. He was muttering about something to do with the baby, something to do with the wedding. And just as I suspected, he went off about that particular night we made him swear not to bring up again. As glad as I was that he didn’t bring it up at the reception, for the sake of Brian’s parents, my siblings, and the humility of the rest of the group, I pitied the man. So broken, so alone.
I experienced his loneliness first hand when I slept in his bed before the attack. The memories were fresher now, so vivid and clear. And saddening, once I realized the gravity of it all. It wasn’t the baby itself that caused Matt all the grief, nor our wedding. But the fact that Matt, who had been engaged before his relationship was cut off abruptly, was convinced that he’d be married and had two kids at least, at this point in time. He needed someone in his life like Brian had, or Zack, or Jimmy. And I had a feeling it had been far too long for him to stay clear-headed about it either, meaning I wasn’t sure if he was all too fixated on women anymore.
He had an awful lot of pictures of his band in his room, on his night stand. More exclusively, pictures of Brian even I didn’t have. Christ, if I was actually imagining it, I’d be a little more relieved than the idea of Matt ogling over my husband. Although spending a huge portion of their lives together cooped up in a tiny van, one would expect such shenanigans. It was a thought I had from long ago. Something so easy for the mind to imagine, something so laughable that it was probably untrue.
Well, there was also conclusive evidence from the time they made out. Kinky in one sense, a little over the limit in another. I had to convince myself that Matt wasn’t the kind of guy to sabotage his close friend’s marriage. Still, stranger things have happened.
I was grateful that the baby had ceased kicking the shit out of my insides. Surely there was bruising in there somewhere. I wasn’t really sure what I’d done to deserve all the trauma, but maybe something I’d done in a past life tipped him off. That night I could sleep for the first time in just about a week. It was absolute excitement.
When Brian came in, I was snoring. Still conscious enough to acknowledge his presence, yet too tired to stir. His breath smelled like stale beer. Dinner from earlier tonight. He hugged me close, spooning me. His enormous arms clenching my belly with instinctive protection.
He also smelled like Matt.
At first I was alarmed, but perhaps in all the choking up Matt had done, Brian let him cry on his shoulder. Maybe Brian was the one crying. At that point I really didn’t care. We were so exhausted and burnt out with the wedding business that now was the time to rest up and prepare for baby.
I dreamt solid, crystal clear dreams that night. Swimming in the ocean with him on a glorious honeymoon to the South Pacific. Somewhere absolutely exotic. Maybe Hawaii, maybe the Philippines or Bora Bora. We were swimming together in warm waters, revelling in every moment. As fast as the waves rolled around and under us, I closed my eyes for a brief moment to wash the salt away, only to open them and see nothing but red.
When I woke, I was soaking wet. Brian still snored noisily, curled up in a ball on his side of the bed. I grew frantic, praying it wasn’t blood. Reaching desperately for the lamp beside my pillow, I yanked back the sheets to find a pool of clear liquid had covered the bed beneath me. My heartbeat hastened and I felt the surging pain rising through me, the pain I’d anticipated all day.
Junior was on his way.

Notes

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