Trashed and Scattered

It was late when Brian and Matt got back from the recording studio and I’d already begun my nightly routine of settling down for bed. He twisted the door handle and swung the door inwards, soft enough that it didn’t hit the side wall, yet strong enough that I didn’t hear the creaks of the hinges. I heard Matt’s boisterous voice and Brian’s gentle footsteps in the empty swell of space in the porch from the bedroom and felt a slight pang of comfort and familial sense. I supposed Matt was staying for a beer, and rather than being antisocial, I left the warmth of my bed and entered the kitchen where Brian met me with a smile and a kiss. Matt was rooting through our fridge for snacks or dinner leftovers. “How was your evening, babe?” Brian asked me. I pressed my face to his chest and he put his chin on my head as he always does. “Wish you could have been there. We got some great stuff.”
I sniffled. My stomach still ached like it did before and my head was still spinning. Must have been funky food I cooked for dinner tonight. “I wish I was there too, baby. Feeling shitty all day. I figured in a way it would have been bad juju for your session if I had gone.”
“Aw, don’t talk such bullshit, Liss.” Matt chimed in. He found the remaining Thai chicken and rice in the fridge and stuck them in the microwave. “Thanks for dinner too, hon.” I could tell Matt sung his heart out; his voice was hoarse and scratchy, but only enough that you could just hear it. Their new album would likely be similar to City of Evil. Perhaps without all the demonic undertones. For a Christian rock band, they weren’t as Christian as advertised. One might as well call the Nazis a social activism group in turn. And Matt was their pristine leader, as his desire for complete control truly inspiring.
“Still not feeling great, huh?” Brian asked. His face turned solemn. He despised me being sick. “Can I get you anything?”
“I was just going to bed when you guys were coming home. Figured you’d be out a little later. I’m alright, babe. Just sick and tired of being sick and tired.” I let out a stifled laugh and a dry cough. I felt feverish, but my skin wasn’t warm. “Maybe I’ll just turn in for the night.”
The microwaved beeped after two minutes. Matt pulled the heaping plate of steaming rice and chicken and began wolfing it down. “Delicious, by the way. I won’t be around long. Just going over stuff to work on for Tuesday’s session. Brian just did basic chords today. Maybe you could give him a little inspiration for solos. Oh, and I got a call from Luke today. He’s got dates for the Shepherd tour.” Luke, the band’s manager, liked to share most of the information with only Matt. My heart dropped into my stomach. “Won’t be for a while. We just finished the last tour. And surely your woman is so fond of you being away for so long.” Cocking an eyebrow, he dropped a half smile as he devoured another mouthful of what would have been Brian’s dinner.
Brian held me closer and stroked the back of my head. I could tell his fingers were sore from picking chords. I hadn’t seen him pick up his guitar in ages. “Nearly killed us the last time. Let’s hope it won’t be for another year or so.”
“Oh, no. No, he said something like two summers from now. Relax, you’ve got time. Maybe a local show here and there, but no. Nothing drastic. Luke asked how everyone is doing lately. Think we ought to consider doing another radio show or something in the near future. Probably discuss it on Tuesday.”
I was becoming sicker to my stomach the more Matt talked about it. A bad wave came over me like some cloud of misfortune bound to land evil upon us all. “I think I’m gonna be sick again.” I whispered, tearing away from Brian like a bat out of hell. Dashing down the hallway to our bathroom that I should have cleaned today. I yanked the seat up and fell to my knees, violently hurling a whole day’s worth of vomit into the bowl. Something was definitely wrong with me. Brian rushed in behind me and knelt down, gently rubbing my back, pulling my hair behind my face. “Oh, god.” I moaned, obviously pained. He kissed my neck and winced when round two came flooding up and out.
“Something bad you ate, maybe? We had that funky salad last night. Wasn’t feeling too hot when I got to the studio this morning.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t think so. It feels…different. Not flu like at all.” Round three closely followed. “Jesus Christ.” I then whispered.
“Oh, baby. Let me help you to bed.” I could hear Matt shuffling in the hall, probably getting his shoes on. “I’m gonna see him out and I’ll be right back, okay? Hang in there.” He left me and I heard faint voices outside the bathroom door. Matt’s booming voice, his words not quite clear in my groggy mind, and Brian’s laughter brought some light back into my mind. Maybe not for long, when my stomach lurched one more time before I collapsed to the floor. The door slammed shut and locked, and I heard Brian’s footsteps one more time coming closer. When he saw me laying on the floor, he panicked and rushed over to me. “Fuck! Oh god, are you okay?”
I tried my hardest to respond, but fell into a weak heap of violent trembles in his arms. I heard him comment on my skin, how it felt. Cold and clammy. I had a fever for sure, but from what? I felt myself being lifted off the ground and sort of dragged down the hall towards the porch where he set me down on the deacon bench and slid my sandals over my open toes. Brian didn’t waste a second. I felt a coat go over my shoulders and zipped up to my breasts, and his muscular arms around my neck and beneath my legs. I was in the air, being carried like a small child, out to his truck. He buckled me in, my head lolling to the side like some rag doll. Cursing for the keys to enter the ignition, the engine finally roared to life. We flew out of the drive and into traffic like robbers in a getaway vehicle. Cars around us beeped their horns and swerved out of the way as he was watching me more than the road.
When we got to the hospital, he dragged me into the emergency ward where I was placed on a gurney and wheeled to a secluded room. Brian was forced to stay in the reception area, barking angry rants and curses at nurses and security staff. I was no longer able to stay conscious at that point.
When I woke again, I met gazes with my lover who sat in a chair only inches away from me. He was leaning over with both hands clasped with mine. They must have given me some very strong drugs to stop the vomiting, or maybe they’d waited until I began dry heaving to put me under. I assumed the latter once I realized my stomach and ribs were tender to the touch. I turned my head to face upwards at the ceiling and noticed others in the corner of my eye. I tried to focus on their faces, barely turning my head the other way, to see the concerned Zack and Johnny. “Rough night?” Zack softly asked. Johnny cracked a grin and made his way over to Brian’s side of the bed.
I groaned out of pain once I’d tried to sharply inhale. I knew I would be falling out of consciousness for a while, but I tried to choke out as many words as I could before my eyes clenched shut again. “What’s wrong with me?”
“Food poisoning, doctor said.” I recognized Brian’s voice distinctly, his hitches of concern and empathy for my broken body. “E. coli or something. Bad chicken. Matt’s been on the shitter all day. He’d be here too if not for that.” I choked out a guttural laugh and winced.
“Guess I’m not allowed to cook for myself anymore, huh.”
“That’s what you have me for.” Brian laughed too. “Probably just a bad batch of chicken. Or maybe too much Curry in the sauce. Doctor said you were going to be fine, though. Maybe dehydrated for a while, but I’ll stick around to cater to your needs.”
“Like a good husband, Brian is there.” Johnny sang, and Zack burst into mad laughter. We flipped them the finger simultaneously. Brian cracked a smile and bent over my face to kiss my sweaty forehead. “Guess we can go check on the other shithead.”
“Probably passed out with his pants down around his ankles. Seen that before on tour. Funny as shit until we hit a bump. Bus shook, Matt got covered in nasty shit water.”
I rolled my eyes, fighting the queasiness again. “Thanks for that fucking mental image, Vengeance.” I hissed at Zack. “This is some real fun, boys. I’ll gladly trade either one of you.”
“Thanks but no thanks, Liss.” Johnny chimed, just as they left the room. “Feel better!” he called from around the corner. I waved it off, then focussing my attention on my concerned boyfriend.
He looked like death himself. Probably hadn’t slept all night, waiting to see if I was going to be alright. “When did they say I could be sent home?”
“Doc is going to come in about an hour to assess your condition, he said. They said you were vomiting blood for about an hour before you went under. They gave you an ultrasound, thinking that maybe you tore something in your stomach. I’m just glad you’re doing okay. You didn’t look that bad when I got home.”
“It hit me like a ton of bricks, I’m not going to lie.”
“I’d say. Listen, I’m going to head home to grab you a change of clothes. You soiled your other ones. We had to chuck them in the trash. Be back in a half hour or so. Anything else you want?”
I shook my head and waited for him to place another peck on my forehead. “I love you, Brian.” I said faintly.
“I love you too, Melissa. See you shortly.” He left and I drifted back off into a groggy slumber.

~
When I woke again, a doctor was standing at my side nearest the door, lifting up the blanket to press against my ribs and abdomen. He had a solemn expression on his face. “Ah, I was waiting for you to wake. You may have done some damage to your ribcage. There are several strained muscles in your abdomen as well. I have some important questions for you, if you wouldn’t mind.”
Still dizzy from the medication, I managed to somewhat pull myself up and rest against the cool wall. “Sure thing.”
“Is there any chance that you may be pregnant?”
My stomach lurched. I hadn’t thought about that at all since Brian and I started becoming more and more sexually prevalent. “I…I suppose there’s a chance, yes. Do you think it could have harmed the baby if I was?”
“I was going to recommend bring you in for x-rays. But if there’s a chance you’re pregnant, we’ll have to take extra precaution. If you wish to have x-rays done for possible rib fractures, I’ll get you in, but in the next twenty minutes. Second question, I noticed your chest was inflamed before your vomiting got as severe as it was. We suspected domestic abuse when I examined it further. The bruising seems to have been caused by a blunt object.”
My jaw dropped in shock and total offense. “Uh, no. Brian didn’t beat the shit out of me. I began puking and passed out on the floor. Must have hit the bathtub on my way down. Brian wouldn’t ever have done such a thing. Christ. I’ve met some assholes, been smacked around a few times in the past. But Brian wouldn’t even hurt a fly!”
“You’re absolutely sure?”
“Yes!” I spat angrily. “He’s covered in tattoos and dresses like a punk but he’s got the softest heart I’ve ever seen in any man. If I really am pregnant, he would be the most caring, loving father any child would ever have. There is no possible way he has ever abused me. Certainly not in this matter especially.”
Sceptical, the doctor cocked his head and left my room. I was going to tell Brian about everything, except the part about possibly being pregnant. He’s got too much to worry about right now. He doesn’t need to be concerned for me. More so, I wasn’t convinced that I was pregnant, nor would I know for another couple weeks.
Hell, we only got engaged two weeks ago. I wasn’t exactly sure how much excitement I could even take, let alone my run-down fiancé. I heard his laughter from down the hallway and my heart fluttered as it always did when I heard him. I thought I recognized Jimmy’s voice too, the goofy screwball probably cracking jokes about Matt and his suffering bowels. Once Brian reached the room, he rushed to my bedside and kissed me hello.
I kissed him back and weakly grabbed his hand. “I missed you baby.”
“I missed you too, babe. Feeling any better?”
I shrugged while sharply inhaling. The dizziness had finally worn off completely. “The doctor came in and asked me a few questions about my injuries. He said he suspected domestic abuse. I kinda wished you were here to show him what abuse actually looked like from you.”
“You’re fucking kidding.” Even Jimmy snapped out of his goofy state.
Shaking my head, I could see all the positive emotion drain from Brian’s previous cheerful expression. “Wish I could say I was kidding. He wants me in for x-rays but I just want to get the hell out of here. Fucking done with judgmental, culturally biased medical ‘professionals’. Probably going to file a complaint.”
Cursing, Brian laid his head in his calloused hands. “Goddamn prick. I’ll go ask and see if we can get another doctor to assess you. Someone closer to our fucking ages and a little less traditional.” I lost focus and turned my head to stare at the far wall, wishing that the curtains were open so I could watch the busy streets below my room. “Jimmy, stay here with her a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Brian, be nice about it.”
“We’ll see about that.” Needless to say, about ten minutes passed and Jimmy was growing antsy. We didn’t say much to each other; I mostly tried to rest my eyes from staring at the light on the ceiling for too long, making me somewhat queasy again. Brian returned with rage in his eyes and just behind him was a younger doctor, a female, who evidently was very intimidated by his demeanour. “Didn’t get too out of hand. Confronted him about accusing me of beating the shit out of you, he panicked, tried to call security. Spent a few minutes explaining to the big guys how big of a prick he was. Won’t be seeing him anymore, I don’t think.”
“I think you might have gone a little over the top there, hon.”
“Yeah, well Doctor Keeler won’t be giving anyone as much grief, I don’t think.” He smiled towards the young consultant and resumed his sitting in the chair next to my bed. “My girl deserves the best care.”
Doctor Keeler took several temperature readings as well as blood pressure and some basic motor function tests. Clearly Brian made her very uneasy. “Hon, would you maybe wait in the hall for me?” and without question he got up and left. Sighing with relief, Keeler giggled nervously and appeared to calm down a little. “I’m really sorry for the scene he probably caused. Brian’s a sensitive guy. He doesn’t like to be attributed to common stereotypes of guys with tattoos. Hopefully there’s no hard feelings.”
“No, none at all. It’s just not every day we see famous people in our hospital. I’m kind of new too.”
“Oh, shit!” I spat with a harsh laugh. “Well, I guess it ought to have made your day a little more interesting.”
She shrugged with half of a smile. “Haven’t had much to complain about yet today. Doctor Santos, the guy who gave you both all that trouble, mentioned something about you possibly being pregnant. Now, given his suspicions of your boyfriend abusing you”—I cut her off abruptly and corrected her with fiancé—“we want to take precaution in giving you x-rays. It’s not a big deal like Santos made it out to be, really. Just some extra steps in keeping the rays off your abdomen. You may be familiar with it.”
“Somewhat, yes.”
“And do you suspect possible pregnancy?”
I clicked my tongue in an indecisive manner. “I guess it’s better to be safe and assume the possibility, yes. If we’re doing x-rays I’ll just tell Brian to come back in. I just don’t want him to know about all this just yet.”
“No worries. I’ll go tell him.” She passed back a flustered smile and left the room to meet with him.
He came back in, concerned and yet somewhat relieved that I wasn’t distressed like before. “How are things now, hon?”
“I suppose I’m going for x-rays pretty quick here, but it’s mostly precautionary. The bruising is pretty bad I guess, so the chances of there being some broken ribs in there is likely. That’s what the other guy said and I don’t think she disagreed with that part. Better to be safe than sorry, right?”
He nodded and sat back in the chair. I assumed Jimmy had left, until he appeared again with a tray of coffees in his one hand and a bag of cafeteria snacks in the other. Setting both on my night stand, he offered Brian a coffee and took a sip of his own. “And a mocha latte for the lady.”
“You pay better attention than I do, Jimmy.” Brian joked, taking his coffee. “What’s in the bag?”
“Sandwiches, apples. A mickey of Jack. Some of us could use it, you know.” He snickered and opened the bag. “I’m kidding. Kinda pissed off the cafeteria ladies, but the old Jimmy trick must have done them all a favour because everything was free.”
Brian chortled and grabbed a pack of apples for me. I was too weak to open the pack, let alone grab them off the nightstand. “You mean you stole it all.”
“Eh, something like that, yeah. It really works.”
I laughed a little myself. He handed me a piece of apple and I bit into it cautiously, hoping that I could keep at least something down besides water. After the first piece I waited a few moments, and when the coast seemed clear, I took another one. It took forever, but I eventually finished the whole pack, and just in time to be wheeled to the x-ray lab. It wasn’t Doctor Keeler this time, but a young male nurse. He seemed pretty much emotionless, so I didn’t bother making any small talk. Behind me I heard Brian and Jimmy following us to the lab where they’d wait with me for results.
We met Keeler there and she assisted me up on the table. She placed a lead pad over my neck, the weight of it choking me slightly, and then another one just below my ribs on my abdomen. This one was lighter so as it wouldn’t damage the possible fetus I was carrying. I closed my eyes, wincing as she prodded the bruised area. “Looks pretty dark there. Lots of bruising, must have been quite a fall.”
“Ceramic tub.” I reassured her. I assumed she would have had several possible abuse victims denying it just as I have been, but I remained true to my story. She had to buy it one way or another. As I laid back and waited for the test to conclude, I thought of Brian and what his reaction would be if I was pregnant. His upcoming tour would be a total downer; he probably would be beside himself, maybe mess up a performance. I began to worry.
A few long moments passed and the doctor came back to remove the heavy lead pads from my body. “We’ll have your results in about a half hour. You can go back to your room again, change into your other clothes. After we assess the tests, you can go home. We’ll give you some painkillers to help with the swelling and tenderness.” She and the other nurse helped me back into the wheelchair and I was brought back to my secluded room that stunk like rubbing alcohol and sterile sheets. I hated hospitals. They reminded me of death and pain.
Brian told Jimmy to wait outside the room as he helped me change into my clothes he’d brought. I avoided putting on my bra and slipped the cotton shirt over my head. He helped my arms through the arm holes and made sure there wasn’t much pressure put on my abdomen. Feeling his warm hands on my body again was beyond comforting. Putting my pants on was far easier and less agonizing. “Putting my clothes on is much less fun than taking them off, I bet.” I joked, wheezing out a short giggle. He giggled as well and kissed me on the mouth this time, the first time since last night. “We can go when they tell us my results.”
“Good. I could use a nap when we get home.” He seemed cranky but I understood entirely. We sat together in silence for a few moments until his phone began vibrating in his ass pocket. Zack was calling with updates on Matt. Apparently he got severely dehydrated while being on the can all day so Johnny and Zack were at his place pouring Gatorade in his mouth. Poor motherfucker. “I’ll pick some more up for him when we leave. Yeah, she’s fine. Just had some x-rays.”
I heard Zack mumble something, causing Brian’s face to turn red and his temper to flare. “Yeah, fucking cocksucker was gonna file a domestic abuse claim because she came in with some bruises on her ribs. I know. Fucking ignorant fucks. Anyways, I’ll see you guys soon. Tell Matt I said feel better. Thanks, bye.” He sighed and turned his attention back to me. “I hope you’re okay, babe.”
I reassured him that I was feeling two-hundred percent better than a few hours ago. We waited a while and finally Doctor Keeler came back in with my results, seeming a little optimistic. “Good news, no fractures.” Brian sighed with relief. “Some massive bruising, but otherwise you’re okay. Your stats seem to be in top shape, so as long as you stay hydrated you should be okay. Avoid eating meat for a couple days too. There were a few other cases of food poisoning that just came in, probably from the same thing. Besides all that, you’re free to go, Miss Sanders.” Passing her gentle smile one more time, Brian helped me off the bed and into the wheelchair. Lots of passersby gave strange looks to us as we approached the entrance, almost as if they’d all suspected the same thing: me getting the shit kicked out of me by some coked out rock star. If only they actually knew the difference.

~
When we finally got home it was just before sunset. Brian helped me out of the truck and into the front door. He laid me on the couch and wrapped me in a blanket, placing a bottle of Gatorade on the floor beside me. Kissing me again, he wiped the stringy dark hair away from my face and brushed his palm against my cheek. How could anyone assume that a man so caring and loving as Brian Haner be an abusive douche canoe? I was so in love with him. I was in love with the way he adored me, the way he looked at me. “Is there anything else I can get my wife-to-be?”
I shook my head but kept my hand clasped with his. “I think you should sleep. I hate that you sacrifice everything making sure my life is pristine and perfect.”
“What other purpose do I have for you?” he asked bluntly, with a subtle wink. He yawned once, maybe twice. “Might just sleep on the other couch with you. Can I put a movie on?”
“Do you think they have your proposal on YouTube yet? I’d like to see it on camera.”
He chortled. “I’ll take a look. I’m sure someone somewhere caught it. Should have seen your face. You were horrified, totally stage frightened. Vengeance couldn’t shut up about it. But it was the only way I saw appropriate. And I couldn’t wait. Wanted to make it extra special.”
“You did, baby. You really outdid yourself. I didn’t know what to think. Harry texted me after, totally pissed off. She’s one jealous cookie.”
“I guess I picked the better roommate then.” I punched him softly in the arm as he laughed. Picking up his notebook, he opened up his browser and pulled up YouTube. It was always weird for us to search him up on the internet. Something I hadn’t gotten quite used to, having a famous boyfriend. No matter how often his songs played on the radio, no matter how many fans sent mail to our address. I wasn’t jealous, but very humbled and grateful that I got so lucky. He promised me a secure future, a lifetime of love, and so much more. “Oh, here it is. Almost a top hit, holy fuck. Over five million views. Loads of comments…I’m almost afraid to read them.”
I watched the tiny video frame, recalling each and every second of that special moment in time. He pulled me on stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people. I was utterly horrified, but the crowd was so fucking loud it just let me drown it all out. I remember when Matt shushed everyone with his massive arms and booming voice. All the band members came to the front of the stage while Brian bent down on his knee and took my hand. His words flowing beautifully from his lips, begging for my hand in marriage. Taking my eyes away from the screen, I watched his face change expressions as the crowd’s volume increased higher and higher once I whispered yes into Matt’s microphone. “Still blows my fucking mind.”
“Blows mine too that I could have met someone as magical as you. Fame is boring without someone to spend it with. True fact.”
“Poor Matt.” I whispered, almost under my breath. “It’s not for everyone though. You’ve all got very busy lives. I hardly see you at all anymore. The worst of it all is the tours. I can’t stand not seeing you for months at a time. Especially with all the wild fans out there. Never know who might try something on either of us.”
He went silent for a moment, his hand still clutching mine from the other couch. “I hate leaving you here. I almost wish you went to live with your mom or Gena or someone while we’re away. It scares me especially when people know where we live. It’s simple to do the math and realize we’re on tour and you’re here in the house.”
“And if it didn’t bore me to death coming with you guys, we wouldn’t even have a problem.” I reached down to kiss the back of his hand, crying out in pain as I remembered the injury I oh, so epically sustained last night. He hopped up off the couch again to find my pain medication. “Are they going to put me to sleep?”
“It’s like, the next step down from Vicodin. So yeah, probably. Although maybe you should only take half.” My heart lurched when I remembered that I could be pregnant. I wished the doctor gave me something else. Even Tylenol would suffice. Brian saw my expression shift and grew anxious, setting the pills back down on the kitchen table. “Honey, you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Sorry, just thought about if I was allergic to Vicodin or not. I think half a pill would be okay. You sure you’re okay sleeping on the couch?”
He nodded and returned back to his chore of administering my medication. Grabbing a knife from the drawer, he placed the tablet on the table and split it in half, putting the other half back in the bottle for later. He dropped the other half into my trembling hand and I popped it into my mouth, swallowing with what little saliva I could fabricate. He laid back on the other couch again, this time his head at the other end so he could see my face if I had any signs of pain while I slept. Once I started getting drowsy, he made sure I was tucked in and that I was laying on my good side with a pillow tucked underneath so I’d have trouble rolling over. I felt silly, like a child, unable to help myself. But I couldn’t have asked for a better nurse.
Brian fell asleep shortly after I did, and didn’t wake up much during the night.
In the morning, I woke and found I’d somehow made my way to the floor. Feeling where my ribs were bruised, I winced at the dull throbbing pain that still seared across my whole abdomen. Brian still snored over on his couch, one leg cocked up onto the back of the couch, one arm bent under his head. He snored softly, drooling out of one side of his mouth. He didn’t bother getting out of his day clothes, and upon further inspection, neither did I. My head was fuzzy from the Vicodin and I felt sort of high as I lifted myself up off the floor to plop back down on the couch. Burning pain spread across my side with every move. I heard Brian mumble something, thinking maybe he was dreaming, when he had woken himself up and was rubbing his eyes into consciousness. “Hey, are you okay?” he softly asked.
“I think so, yeah. I woke up on the floor. Must have been the pill.”
“Oh, babe. You’re a walking bag of injuries and misfortune. Floor or not, I still love your morning face.”
I scoffed and swiped several locks of hair from my face, caught up in saliva that had dried to the side of my chin. “How did you sleep, anyway?”
“Had some weird dreams.” He too wiped his face. “Dreamt when we got married that the sun faded and the world became black. You were all red. Like a crimson, bloody mess. Matt was screaming bloody murder. We wound up back in the hospital. Guess being overtired does that to a person.”
I raised an eyebrow and sat upright. He drifted off his couch and came to mine to pull me upwards into his arms. “Anything you want to do in particular today?” I asked him, not ignoring his dream, but putting the crude imagery away in the back of my mind. “It’s going to be a couch day for me.”
He shrugged and loosened his tight grip around my waist. “I’m obligated to go check on Shads. Zack was there all night I think. Johnny might still be there too. Want to come with?”
“Yeah, alright. Could use some change of scenery.” He grabbed my frail body and lifted me to my feet without struggle. I was grateful to have a man who could make me feel perfect and small enough that I could be wrapped up in his arms and squeezed like a stuffed bear. He helped me to the truck and opened the door for me, but I wouldn’t let him help me in. I felt way too pathetic at this point and I wasn’t about to just allow him to do everything for me.

Notes

Trigger warnings: assault, abuse, obsession, stalking, and possible narcotics addiction.