Moving On

Johnny woke up to his empty hotel room. He knew Matt, Brian, and Arin were out doing interviews with local radio stations, talking about the tour and their new album. Johnny kicked out of the covers and looked over to the other side of the bed where Matt had slept, holding him close all night. He remembered the kisses they shared a little over a week ago. He also remembered, when he kissed Matt, the face of his previous love came to his head. He felt so dirty, he felt as though he was cheating on his one true love. The only one for him, or so he thought.

Johnny went into the bathroom, with a new shirt and pair of pants, to take a shower before their show tonight. He slowly pulled his arms out of his sleeves and looked down at his arms. He traced the scars with his fingertips, still feeling the sharp, pleasurable pain that ran through his body when he made them. He started the hot water of the shower as he began to get out of his pants and underwear. He stepped under the hot stream of water and began to wash himself.

Once he finally rinsed the conditioner out of his hair for the second time, he turned the water off and grabbed the towel from the rack. He got out of the tub and dried his body off. He pulled his new underwear and pants on. He looked down at his arms once again. He looked around the room and hesitantly picked up his straight razor. He looked down at it and swallowed hard. Johnny remembered the smile Matt had on his face just last night, his dimples deeper than the grand canyon and his eyes full of love and care for the younger man. Johnny smiled and put the razor back where he had picked it up from and pulled his new shirt over his head, the long sleeves sticking to his damp skin.

Johnny walked out of the bathroom just as Matt walked through the door. Matt gave Johnny a concerning look as he sat on the couch at the far side of the room. Johnny sat next to him looking puzzled.

"We need to talk," Matt stated finally.
"Alright? Is everything okay?" Johnny hesitated in asking.
"I'm fine. Are you okay? You seem really hesitant to be close to me after we kissed."
"Yeah. I'm alright," Johnny sighed.
"Then why won't you let me hold your hand? The only physical contact we've made in the past week is when we're sleeping and you let me hold you," Matt stared at Johnny looking hurt.
"That's because... That's because... When we kissed... All I could think of was Jimmy. The reason it felt strange to me is because I felt like I was cheating on him."
Matt slipped his mitt-like hand between Johnny's and interlocked their fingers. Johnny flinched.
"Jimmy was one of my best friends on the planet. We've been friends for as long as I can remember. I miss him too, Johnny. I think you forget that."
"I just don't want to get too close and be left alone again. My last relationship... he cheated on me and I didn't feel a thing," Johnny was crying now. Matt pulled him into his chest and leaned back on the couch.
"I know he did. He's a dick head and I would never do that to you. We are moving at your pace, but I'm just worried that you're never going to let go. I understand that he was your first love, but he's also gone. He's never going to come back and that's something we all have to deal with. I will never replace him, but I only want to fill the void he left when he passed," Matt kissed the top of Johnny's head.
"I'm sorry if it feels like I don't care. I do. You make me the happiest I've been since... since Jimmy. I just don't want to get hurt again. Please just... be patient with me," Johnny sobbed quietly into Matt's chest, gripping tightly to his shirt.
"Take all the time you need, Johnny. I'm right here, and I always will be right here," Matt kissed his head again and pulled him closer. Holding him tightly to his chest and stroking his arm up and down soothingly.

Notes