I don’t really know how to feel right now. Too many emotions. Michelle and Matthew. Two months. It’s a bit much to even think on. But, maybe writing it down might help me process it a little more. I can’t even begin to imagine what that would have been like. I mean, they don’t even really like each other now…as we are all well aware of…

I can’t even figure out how that must make him feel now, seeing as my sister is now engaged to one of his best friends. I mean, sure…they were together barely any amount of time and who knows what their relationship was actually like, but…it worries me a bit. Because, you know, maybe the reason he’s attracted to me has something to do with her. I mean, we are identical twins…so is it me he…has feelings for, or the fact that I remind him of Chelle?

I don’t even know what to think…my thoughts make no sense right now. This journal entry is probably incoherent and pointless…

Anyway, we’re at the studio right now, JD’s here and all the guys. I’m just trying to let the music wash over me, and their laughter and voices and just…everything. It’s oddly comforting to know that they’re there for me.

“Val? Val, come listen to this,” Matt’s smiling down at me where I’m sitting on the single couch in the corner of the tiny studio. I close my journal and get up to join him and the others in front of the computer. Jimmy grins at me and hits the play button as Matt comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I lean back into his big body as the first chords fill the room.

“Really cool,” I murmur softly, tilting my head to look up at Matt. He smiles and presses his lips to my forehead. A shiver runs through me and inexplicably a sudden tingle between my thighs. I pull away from Matt, causing a look of confusion to pass across his face. I shake my head at him as his brow furrows.

“Val?”

I keep shaking my head and go back to my seat, grabbing my journal. Matt frowns and joins me, sitting next to me.

“Talk to me.” His voice low, anxiety evident. I shake my head more, refusing to answer.

My emotions are all over the place again. I’m still not entirely comfortable with my body’s reactions to him. My brain is telling me one thing – I want him! – yet, my emotions want me to run away from him and never come back. Arousal really is not what I want to be feeling right now; yet, at the same time I really want to feel his hands all over my body. I can’t sort my thoughts out, or make sense of them. I know I wanted him to push me…that one time after my parents’ rejected me…but now I don’t know what I want…or what I need.

Matt sighs softly and wraps an arm around my shoulders, squeezing gently. “When you’re ready…”

I peek up at him and smile softly, thankful that he cares so much for me. He smiles back and gets up again, going back over to the others. I watch as he walks over, marvelling, not for the first time, that I ended up with him and not with some asshole. I mean…how lucky am I, really? Very lucky, I’d say. Though, I do have a niggling worry that something might go wrong; then again after the whole Robert debacle, maybe I’ve been pre-disastered now. You never know, though. After all, life is unpredictable.

“Val!” Jimmy plops himself next to me. I only jump slightly and manage a small smile. He gives me an apologetic look. I just shake my head not really in the mood to talk to anyone. He squeezes me gently around the shoulders. “What’s doing?”

“Nothing,” I mumble and look down. I must look like I’m worried about something because Jimmy makes me look at him. His usually twinkling blue eyes are softer, warmer concern in their depths.

“Val…”

I bite my lip. He’s genuinely anxious for me. I start to shake my head but he gives me a look. I sigh, glancing over to Matt who’s talking quietly to Johnny. I gaze at his profile for a moment then look back at Jimmy.

“I’m scared that I’ll…lose this…everything good in my life always ends in shit happening. Always.” I look at him with a pained expression on my face; I can feel the tension in my brow.

Jimmy mirrors my look then pulls a face. “Not this time. We’re all here committed to making sure of that. I mean, fuck…Matt’s even willing to face charges for interfering with the Guild. I mean…you’ve told us it’s…kinda against the rules for you two to be in love, right? Shads could be arrested or some shit, right?”

I flush looking away and muttering, “That’s what I’m afraid of…”

Jimmy hugs me gently then leans back on his seat. “It wouldn’t stick. We’ve the best lawyers in town.”

I can’t help but smile at that. Then shake my head. “The Guild are a multi-national corporation…it’s worldwide…how could you beat that?”

Jimmy laughs softly, “Don’t you worry your cute nose about that. We’ve got you covered.” I blink at him, wrinkling my nose.

“My nose isn’t cute…and why do you care anyway? I’m just a slave.”

Jimmy grimaces but it isn’t him who answers.

Zacky sits on my other side and says in a somewhat sharp voice, “You’re not just a slave. You’re Michelle’s twin which makes youfamily. And, your nose is cute.”

I blush at the last, then frown at my sister’s name. “Chelle…” I look over toward Matt again. Zacky and Jimmy follow my gaze. Then the guitarist frowns at Jimmy.

“You told her about?”

Jimmy nods, “I thought she should know…Shads wasn’t going to say anything.” I look at them both.

“You all knew?”

Zacky chuckles, “Everyone knew. Those two…it was an odd matchup. But, it was serious. As much as a two month thing can be serious.”

Jimmy nods, “They were just together one day, like that.” He snaps his fingers together; I shiver. He goes on, “It shocked all of us. Everyone at school too. I mean it wasn’t sappy or anything like that. But, they sat at school together, and held hands…shit like that.”

Zacky adds with a murmur, “They never slept together, though.” I blink at his statement realising maybe he’s trying to reassure me it wasn’t that deep.

I look away not wanting him to see the look on my face. Part of me is relieved to hear that. Even, though if he had it wouldn’t have been my business or my place to get jealous. Matt can sleep with whoever he wants. I have no power over that. Jimmy catches my look, though and smiles.

“Matt had morals, y’know? He was a virgin until he was twenty-one…”

Zacky snorts. “You sure you should be telling her that?”

“Well, it’s true,” the drummer retorts.

“True or not…”

“True or not,” Brian cuts in causing the three of us to jump and look at him. He smirks and continues, “Maybe you should let Matt finish telling her about that.”

Jimmy scoffs, “What, that Chelle dumped him and went out with some jerk then fell for you?”

Brian rolls his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “I think you owe him a bit of loyalty, she knows enough.” I bite my lip sensing that he’s not particularly happy with them talking about Michelle.

“It’s okay…I did ask…” I murmur. Brian’s expression softens as he meets my eyes and he nods slightly before going back over to Matt and Johnny. Zacky rolls his eyes after his friend but then returns his eyes to me.

He says softly, “Anyway, back to you, Val. You’re family. So that’s why we care. Screw the slave shit.” Jimmy nods in agreement; I smile shyly, lowering my eyes to the floor.

“Thank you,” I have no other words. What else can I say? I’ve never felt accepted like this before. I’m so used to having to be strong for myself.

I peek up at them they just smile back at me; and the thing that moves me most is that there is no pity in their faces. Those smiles are real, happy smiles ones that family share. The kind of familiar looks that I only have vague memories of. I shiver a little at the sensation of feeling like I belong. Because that’s what their looks give me. I can’t fathom it, but at the same time it feels just the way it should.

And how weird is that?

“Anyway, we love you and want you to be happy.” Jimmy is talking to me and I only just realise and start laughing. He blinks at me and for some unexplainable reason I can’t stop. The sound just roils out of me and I start shaking as I laugh more. Matt notices and comes over, leaving his discussion with Johnny, who also glances over a bemused look showing. JD has joined him and is watching as well, eyebrows raised.

I can’t stop, doubling over slightly, almost winded. Matt pushes Jimmy aside and sits next to me.

“Val…Val?” He touches my shoulder. I stop instantly, looking up at him, panting. He tilts his head confusion on his face. “You okay?”

“I…I’m fine…just…I don’t even know…” I blink at him then my eyes cloud and next I know I’m clinging to him, sobbing my heart out. “Matt…” I whimper into his chest, feeling pathetic. He just holds me, rocking me gently.

The others get up, moving away to give us some privacy. I lean into Matt and sigh softly finally calming down. He smiles at me, stroking my hair.

“Better?” I nod, smiling back. He nuzzles gently. “Good. Still got a lot to do. Wanna come sit with me now? JD wants to show us a few things.”

I nod again, feeling more relaxed now. But then I think about what Jimmy and Zacky said about Michelle and I place a hand on Matt’s arm. He looks at me expectantly.

I bite my lip. “Um…before we do…can I ask you something?”

“Sure?”

I hesitate, not sure how he’ll respond but really needing to go there. “Jimmy told me something about you and Chelle…and I want to talk to you about it…later, if that’s okay?” For a minute it looks like he won’t answer and his expression darkens slightly, but then he smiles and nods, shooting a look towards Jimmy as he responds in a gentle tone.

“Of course. Later.”

I relax as if a great weight has lifted from my shoulders. “Thanks…we can go listen now?”

He grins and kisses the top of my head again. “Come on, back to work.”

I giggle and follow him back over to the others and we sit and wait for JD to start his spiel.

Notes