When I was really little, we – the family – went to a party. It was for somebody’s wedding, a cousin, or an uncle. I can’t really remember. However, I do remember the colours. There were so many different shades of the rainbow that it was extremely overwhelming to my young eyes. I knew my colours, you know the old acronym? ROY-G-BIV? That was one we learned really early, I think one of my brothers taught me that.

The one dress that I have a vivid impression of was this stunning pink summer gown that my mother was wearing. It had these lace frills around the neck, which I can remember wanting to play with whenever she held me. Which incidentally, wasn’t as often as I would’ve liked. She doted more on my brothers, and Michelle than me.

But, I was talking about the colours, wasn’t I?

That uncle, or cousin, whose party it was, he was wearing a pale blue dinner suit. Yeah, it was kind of the fashion, apparently. The colour of the sky. Honestly, I don’t think men should wear pale blue suits. It looks too much like someone stole the sky and made it into thread to make clothes out of. And he was wearing a fuchsia cummerbund which really did not match the rest of his suit...

Okay, what the hell; where did THAT come from? I don’t even know. And, even though I told Michelle and Matt and everyone else that I didn’t remember much about my life with my family...I remembered something like this? I have no idea of the significance of this memory. But, I guess the human mind is weird like that.

Maybe it’s supposed to remind me that life isn’t always about the significant drama-filled moments. That life is just as much about the other experiences that we have, that we should savour every part of it and try to remember it all.

Or maybe I’m just reading too much into my own thoughts. Maybe...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I am not going to wear that. You can’t make me wear that, are youfucking serious?”

Jimmy is raging in the background somewhere. Gena and I can hear him lamenting Leana’s choice of clothing for an appearance the band’s going to do for the local radio station. Zacky’s girl and I are sitting in the living room. She’s reading a novel, the sound of turning pages somewhat soothing.

I have my journal in my lap, pen in hand, scribbling away. After a moment, I pause from my writing, and glance at over at her.

“Why is he complaining? It’s not like people will be able to see him.”

Gena just laughs, shaking her head. “No idea. I think he just enjoys whining at her.”

“Who enjoys whining?” Matt’s deep voice enters the room, moments before the man himself does. I peek up at him and smile faintly. He joins me on the sofa, sinking down into the leather as he drapes an arm along the back of the seat. A small smirk tugs at the corners of his lips as he looks expectantly at me.

I lean back and he shifts his hand to rub at my skin, his thumb moving in slow circles against the nape of my neck.

“Val? Who’re you talking about?”

I give him a weird look and dart my eyes toward the kitchen just as Jimmy’s voice floats out through the door.

“No. I’ll look like a fucking peacock. Zacky’s the peacock. I can’t be the fucking peacock!”

Then Zacky’s voice joins the fray. “Hey! Get off my dick.”

Then the two men alternate, their voices getting louder as they rail at each other, punctuated by raucous laughter.

“I’m not on your dick, V. What the hell?”

“I thought you were talking about my-”

“No. I said I’m going to look like a peacock. You’re supposed to look like a peacock.”

“I don’t have a pea-cock.”

“Go take a piss with your cock.”

“Ha ha ha...” Zacky mocks, “that was funny?”

Matt snorts, shaking his head, amusement glimmering in his eyes. But he says nothing about his friends’ antics. Instead he looks across at Gena then returns his gaze to my face. I bite the inside of my cheek, sensing he’s about to say something. His expression is a little more serious than a moment ago. Brow furrowing, he’s obviously thinking hard on something.

But before he can say anything, Jimmy flounces into the room his hair flying everywhere a look of exasperation all over his face.

“Fu-uck! I look like a monkey’s uncle!”

I blink rapidly at the tall man. Leana and Zacky appear behind him, the former looking as flustered as any woman possibly can; the latter appearing highly amused.

Matt shifts so he can look over toward his friend, and then he lets out a loud bark of laughter at the other man’s appearance.

“What the hell are you wearing, man?”

I stare at Jimmy. He’s wearing a bright red smoking jacket over a pale blue shirt. On his head, perching precariously is a black and red top hat. Hanging over the brim is an explosion of colour. A rainbow-coloured feather boa is draped around the hat the end dangling down over his shoulder. He looks like a ringmaster from a circus. He looks...like my uncle did...that one time. I blink slowly taking it in.

Jimmy notices me staring and beams at me, the annoyance that was there a moment ago, disappearing in characteristic Jimmy speed.

“Whaddaya reckon, Val? Do I look crazy as shit, or what?” He spreads his arms up and out, as if modelling himself.

Unable to form words, I hold a hand in front of my mouth as I giggle softly.

Matt scoffs, “You look fucking ridiculous.”

“Blame Le,” Jimmy jerks a thumb at his fiancée, who is slowly shaking her head at us from behind him and mouthing that it isn’t her fault.

Matt, of course, is right on top of that and just gives his friend a disbelieving look. Jimmy sighs and flops down on the other couch splaying his long legs out in front of him, while adjusting the hat on his head. Leana shakes her head and disappears back into the kitchen. Zacky comes out and leans against the back of the sofa Matt and I are on.

“So, when do we have to leave?”

Matt glances at the clock on the wall, his thumb still kneading lightly at the back of my neck. I lean into his touch, eyes half open. He smiles at me, hazel eyes warm. Then he looks up at his friend.

“Half an hour. Where’re Syn and Johnny?”

Zacky crosses his arms, rocking against the back of the sofa as he answers, “Meeting us there.”

Jimmy pipes up, “I thought Syn wasn’t even coming? He said something about surprising Chelle at work...or something?”

“Oh?” Matt cocks an eyebrow, eyes narrowing. “What the hell for?”

I tilt my head giving Jimmy an equally quizzical look. The drummer chortles, clapping his hands together.

“What do you think, Shads? He’s gonna pop the question, duh.”

Matt just stares at him. Then scowls, pulling his hand away from the back of my neck, lurching up off the couch and stalking out of the room. Jimmy’s smile falters for a second but then settles as he rolls his eyes.

“Asshat,” he mumbles a hint of amusement in his voice. He obviously doesn’t think much of Matt’s attitude toward my twin.

Gena puts a finger in place in her book and looks at me. “Go after him, Val...”

I bite my lip, feeling uncertain. I don’t really want to go check on him. Guess I’m a little anxious how he’ll react. Jimmy catches my wary look and points toward the door.

“Go, Val. Talk to your man.”

I scrunch my face up his statement. That’s the second time someone’s called Matt my man...but this time I don’t bother trying to correct him. Jimmy doesn’t listen to anyone.

Hesitating, I tug at the hem of the skirt I’m wearing, and brush at a lock of hair that’s dangling in front of my face. Then I stand, slowly, rubbing at my arms.

Zacky, who’s still leaning against the back of the couch, smiles kindly. “He’s just pissy about Michelle...”

I shake my head at him and murmur cautiously, “That’s no news...”

“True.” The guitarist grimaces, sucking on his piercings.

I force a smile to my lips then head out of the living room, peeking down the hall to see if he’s down there. He’s not. I inhale deep, before making my way down it, looking in each room I pass. The laundry, couple of spare rooms, Matt’s gaming room, the office... I’m about to walk past the office, not thinking he’d be in there; he never goes in there during the day...

“Valary. In here.”

Scratch that thought. I back track and pop my head around the door. Matt’s sitting on his large leather swivel chair, arms hanging loose over the armrests. One foot is resting against what looks like a rolling stool that looks out of place in the room. It probably should be behind a drum kit. His other shoe is planted firmly on the floor.

Before going in, I pause for a moment just taking in his appearance. His expression is stern; the dark clothes he’s wearing giving him an almost inapproachable aura. He’s in M Shadows mode. Guess it goes with the territory, since this interview today is the first one for awhile. The guys are going to be talking up the writing process so far for their new album. He crosses his arms, flexing them absently. I swallow hard, stepping into the room.

“Master?”

He frowns, pushing the stool away from him, causing it to roll toward me. “Sit.”

I do so, perching on the top of the stool and bracing myself for whatever he might say. Matt continues to frown, jogging his left knee up and down in an irritated motion. I press my hands together between my knees gazing at the floor, counting the small diamond patterns on the carpet. Silence settles heavily in the room, and I wonder whether this is all we’re going to do, considering we’ll have to go to the radio soon.

But then Matt clears his throat and asks, “What’d you and Chelle talk about, yesterday?”

I lift my eyes to his. His face hasn’t changed. His eyes are still dark. For a second I contemplate not answering his question. But his expression is so severe that I decide not to push it.

“Um...about you and her, Master...” I bite my lip then add, “And your sister...and Brian...”

Matt gets this look like he’s just tasted something really bad. “Is that all?”

Blinking at him, I feel a soft flush spread across my face. I duck my head down unable to meet his questioning gaze.

“Valary?”

“Um...no...there was something else.”

“And that was?” Matt’s voice is low, but I know by his tone that not telling him is not an option. But I feel a bit embarrassed telling him.

His voice softens as he prompts me, “Val, I’m just curious...”

I blink hard, realising my eyes are a little wet. I give a little laugh, while wiping at the corners of my eyes.

“Me...and you, Master...”

Matt smiles then, his features losing their hard edge; rolling forward so he can place his hands on my knees. He gently pries them apart and takes my hands in his. His hands are so warm around mine, his touch so tender. I feel my breath catch in my throat. And, not for the first time, I wonder on how lucky I am to have ended up with him.

I lower my head an upwelling of emotion catching me and causing tears to start prickling at my eyes.

“Hey...hey...it’s okay...” Matt lifts a hand and gently brushes a tear away from my cheek with his thumb. “I’m here, hun...”

That just about undoes me. A sob escapes.

“Aww, Val...” Matt shifts even closer and pulls me into his arms, sweeping his hand up and down my back. I cling to him, tucking my head into his chest.

Sniffling, I try to speak into the solid warmth of his body, but words won’t come. Matt ‘shushes’ me gently, rocking me. I take several deep breaths letting myself relax into him. He nuzzles into my hair, stroking at my back before shifting us so we both end up on the floor. I wriggle into a more comfortable position, leaning into his body.

He smiles at me, caressing the back of a finger along my cheekbone. I bite at the inside of my cheek. He tilts his head at me.

“Whatcha thinking?”

I keep chewing nervously. He raises his eyebrows at me. I blush. There are far too many things going on in my head right now.

Obviously, sensing that, he chuckles. “Val?”

I shake my head, not sure I want to go there. “You asked a question.”

Matt smirks. “You answered.”

I mumble, “Not really...”

“Really? Well then, what’s the answer?” He tilts my chin up so he can look me in the eye.

There are so many ways I can answer that, but I can’t really formulate words. At least, not enough to articulate my thoughts. Instead, trembling, I murmur, “I love you...” And then I promptly burst into tears. That took all of me to say that, and something in me breaks.

Matt’s arms tighten around me, but he says nothing, which I’m grateful for. I don’t think I can handle all that typical ‘shush it’s gonna be okay’ spiel. Not after announcing my feelings to him. Talking is not something that helps in a situation like this, I think. Better to sit in quiet and let everything wash over us.

I snuggle into him; Matt begins to rock me, stroking a hand down my back, rubbing softly. You know, it’s those small touches of his that do much more for me than any words can. I know it’s his way of showing me how much he cares for me. How much he... loves me. He’s very tactile, so am I. I can’t go without being near him so if I reach out to him I come into contact with some part of him. He grounds me, gives me something to support myself. And that’s something I’ve always needed in my life.

We remain close like that for several long minutes, until we hear footsteps approaching down the hall.

Zacky pokes his head around the doorframe and raises his eyebrows at us. “Oi, lovebirds.”

Matt frowns at his friend. “What, V?”

Zacky leans in the doorway, folding his arms in front of him. “We gotta head out. What’re you two doing in here?”

I flush and look down, feeling a little nervous at being caught out in such an intimate moment.

Matt growls, obviously not happy about the interruption either, “Talking.”

The guitarist smiles faintly, nodding. “Right. Well, we have to go.”

Matt sighs, “’Kay, give us a sec...”

Zacky smirks, “I’ll give you two secs...enough time to steal a kiss or two.”

I blink at that.

Matt snorts, “Fuck off, Zacky.”

His friend winks at me and leaves. I bite my lip, peeking up at my master. He has an odd expression on his face. He catches my eye, cocking an eyebrow at me. My cheeks flush, and I lower my eyes again.

The corners of Matt’s lips twitch upwards in a small smile as he cups my chin in his hand, tilting my face back up. I shiver as he brushes a thumb over my bottom lip. Then he leans down to press a kiss to my forehead.

“C’mon, we should get going.”

He helps me up, pushing up after me. I can’t help but stare at his arms as he gets up. Looks like he’s been working out again. He smirks, catching my eye again. This time I don’t look away, just continue admiring him. Matt chuckles low in the back of his throat, wrapping an arm around my waist, and squeezing. I lean into his side, letting him walk me out of the office.

The others are waiting at the front door. Jimmy is fiddling with his hat, staring off into space. The girls are chatting with each other and Zacky is leaning against the wall, keys jingling from his hand. They all look over as we join them.

“’Bout fucking time,” Jimmy says with a grin.

“He was getting bored,” Leana comments, shaking her head.

Matt rolls his eyes. “Well, we can’t have that.” He looks over at Zacky. “I’m driving.”

The guitarist tosses the keys to him. Matt catches them then looks down at me. I peer up at him. He smiles, eyes warm. Then, without another word, he leads me out to the SUV, the others coming out behind us.

Time for the band to put on their public hats. A couple of interviews, and I think even a meet and greet with fans...

First time since the tour when Matt bought me and I’m sure it’s going to be an interesting day.

Notes