Love is not part of a slave’s life. A slave can adore her Master, revere Him, and worship Him and the ground he walks upon. But, a slave must never allow herself to fall in love.

Having gotten bored with the show on TV, I am looking over the guidelines myself. I’ve skimmed the main guidelines, mainly due to the fact that I know Matt will want to look at them with me. However, directly down the bottom of the final page is a disclaimer that I cannot believe is written there. A slave must never allow herself to fall in love? Well, that just screws everything doesn’t it? And what about the Master? Is he not allowed to fall in love with his slave? I scan the last part of the disclaimer.

These are the words: A Master must remember that as Lord and commander He should maintain the balance of power. A Master may care for His slave, as much as one would care for any other prized possession. If a Dom feels anything more than this the balance of power will shift. A Master who loves His slave is no longer in control of her. She now has power over Him and that is not acceptable.

I can’t continue. Tossing the pages back onto the coffee table, I stare at it feeling an uncomfortable prickling in my eyes. Tears. Hot, stinging, wetness. I wipe furiously at my eyes not wanting to go to Matt looking like I’ve been drowning myself. Taking several deep breaths, I sit back, tilting my head back, and blinking hard. Once I feel composed, I stand and move to leave the living room. Time to see if Matt’s ready for me.

I walk to our bedroom and peer through the doorway. I can just see Matt; he’s sitting in darkness, on the chair by the bed. His ankles are crossed before him and he has my journal in hand. His eyes are focused on the pages, and he doesn’t look up.

I clear my throat, walking in hesitantly. He doesn’t lift his gaze. Biting my lip, I halt just inside the door.

“Master...?”

He still makes no move to look at me. But, he does lift one finger slightly. Wait...

I wait, shifting on my feet. I can see his eyes moving as he’s obviously reading. I keep shuffling on one spot, nervous, feeling a little unsettled, wondering what thoughts are circling in his mind. After what feels like forever, Matt lifts his eyes to me. They’re unreadable and that almost undoes me. Pressing my lips together hard, I force myself to hold still until he says something.

Matt stares at me then says, “Come here, sit down.”

I nod almost to myself, shuffling over to sit on the edge of the bed, facing him. He leans forward, propping an elbow against his knee, resting his chin in his hand. His fingertips tap lightly at his bottom lip as he looks at me, thoughtfully.

“So,” he finally says, “you want to explain this?” He holds up my journal so I can see what I wrote.

This time I’m a little more prepared to answer the question, yet I’m still apprehensive as to his reaction. Breathing deeply, I sit back a little, staring down at my hands. Clasping them tightly in my lap, I twist them a little, while getting my words together.

Keeping my gaze on my hands, I whisper my answer, feeling my voice shaking on my words. “Well, I was talking about why I felt that obeying you wasn’t the terrible thing it was with my other masters...”

“Is that all?” Matt’s voice reveals no emotion as he questions me.

I bite my bottom lip, chewing at it slightly. “No, Master.”

“Go on, then.”

I look up at him, feeling that same prickling sensation I did earlier. He tilts his head at me an anxious look creeping into his eyes.

“Val, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you.” His voice takes on a warm tone. That completely does me in, and I just allow the tears that are forming to complete their journey from the corners of my eyes, cascading down my face.

Matt gets up and moves to sit next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close. I lean against him, wiping at my face.

“I’m sorry...”

“Don’t be.” He digs in a pocket and retrieves a scrunched up, yet clean, tissue, using it to wipe my tears away. He says quiet for a moment, giving me a little time to compose myself again.

Then he murmurs low, “Talk to me.”

Looking up into his face, I draw on the gentleness of his expression to give me courage to speak. “I think I...have feelings for you.” I take a deep breath before going on. “I...I don’t know where they’ve come from...I just...I’m falling for you...” I bite my bottom lip, preventing anymore words from exiting, feeling as if I’ll start waffling if I do.

Matt is silent, he makes no move to respond, instead turning his head to look around the room. I shiver, again wondering what’s going through his mind. I don’t interrupt his contemplation though. He takes several moments before meeting my eyes, expression serious. He still says nothing, just studying me with a long thoughtful look. I tuck my chin down. He reaches out to cup my cheek, rubbing a thumb across the curve of my face.

I bite at my bottom lip more, and then whisper low. “I don’t think I’m allowed to fall for you, Master...”

“What do you mean?” Confusion darkens his eyes. I shiver and shake my head.

“The rules...”

Matt scowls. “Don’t tell me you looked at the rest of them without me?”

“No, Master...just this last little footnote...on the last page.”

Matt growls; I flinch, a little surprised by the anger I can feel coming from him. But, in an instant I realise it’s not me he’s angry at.

“God damn those sonofabitches.” He sits back and balls his hands into tight fists. I hesitate before resting a hand over one of his. He is extremely tense. Slowly, I uncurl his fist, tracing my fingers over his palm. He shivers and looks down at my hand. “Val.”

I stop and pull my hands back into my lap. “Sorry.”

He lifts his eyes to mine, shaking his head. “Don’t, Val.” He sighs, rubbing his hands against his jeans. “Don’t be sorry. I’m just pissed off at them, is all.” He groans and bangs a fist against the mattress. “Someone should overhaul the system.”

I blink at him. He cracks a wry grin. “If I had the know-how...” He trails off and pushes up off the bed. I look up at him. He looks back down at me, thoughts flickering in his eyes. “Tell me, if it weren’t for that rule? Would you...” he pauses.

“Would I what, Master?” I rub at my arms, wondering where his question is leading. Even though deep down I know what he’s getting at. I mean, what have we just been talking about?

Matt looks severely at me. “Would you consider being with me?”

That is a weird question... “I am with you...”

“No, I mean as boyfriend/girlfriend.” Matt cocks his eyebrow at me. I feel suddenly light headed.

“What, Master?” He can’t mean that question; I mean he hasn’t even really reacted to my sort-of-declaration of my feelings toward him. I’ve just practically spilled my guts, and he hasn’t even raised a sweat, really. He is still somewhat detached; so, his question shocks me a little.

Matt rolls his eyes. “Val. Pay attention.” His voice is mild. “I’m going to ask you again, but don’t expect me to repeat myself, we clear?”

“Yes, Master.” I nod obediently, trying to force all my thoughts from my mind and focus my attention on him. “Crystal.”

Matt smirks faintly then becomes serious once more. “Would you consider being my girlfriend? If the rules didn’t exist.” He reaches out to lift my chin. “Be honest.”

I tremble, averting my eyes. Too many emotions are clamouring for attention inside me. I don’t really know if I can answer him. It’s one thing to admit to him that I’ve fallen for him. But, quite another to take it a further step and commit to a position.

Considering that I’m his slave, his property, I have no right to answer that question. Yet, on the other hand, he is my Master and if he asks something of me, I must answer, because as his slave I have no choice. It’s the paradox of my life. And, to be completely truthful about what I think, it sucks. It just majorly sucks.

“Valary, you going to answer my question?” Matt is frowning at me now.

I blink. “Sorry, was thinking...”

“About?” His voice deepens his expression even more serious than before.

I shake my head. Matt glowers at me. I quiver beneath his stern look. “Just how much this sucks.”

Matt folds his arms over his chest. “I see. Would you rather I didn’t own you.”

Pressing my hands between my knees, I give a tight nod of my head. “I don’t want to be owned by anyone, Master...I just wish...” I stop, feeling something choke my words, and realising that tears are trickling down my face. Matt stares at me then shakes his head at me.

“Answer my question, then I’ll leave you alone for a bit. I need to go see Syn and Zacky; they said they were going to get that guitar tech to come over to Zack’s place.”

I look up at him, wiping the back of my hand over my face. I can taste the salt of my tears; I try to ignore it, meeting Matt’s unyielding expression.

“Yes...if the rules didn’t exist...I’d...I’d consider it...” More than consider it, I’d want it so bad it would cut deep if he didn’t feel the same way. I swallow hard then complete the thought. “I’d consider being your girlfriend...but only...only if you felt the same way about me...” I look down once I finish talking, unable to handle looking at him as I wait for a response.

Silence settles around us, as I wait. It is heavy, weighing down on me. I have to admit, I am absolutely terrified of how Matt will respond. I know if he shuts me down, shuts me out, it’ll ruin me. I know I’ve only been with him a short while, running only into months. But, and I know this sounds corny, he completes me, and makes me feel human, not just an object that he owns.

The quiet stretches on and I wonder if he ever will say anything. I peek up at him. He isn’t even looking in my direction. He is staring out the window, lines furrowing his brow. Biting my lip, I think maybe I should repeat what I said. But then he turns to look at me. His face is clouded, eyes revealing nothing.

“Val.” He rubs at his face. “Why do you think I bought you?”

I tilt my head, thinking what exactly the relevance of that is. “Um...don’t know...”

Matt eyes me then laughs roughly. “No. Guess you wouldn’t.” He turns away again.

I lean forward waiting to see if he’ll go on. But he doesn’t. Matt walks over to the dresser and grabs his keys, wallet and phone, pocketing them. Obviously he’s not going to elaborate.

He braces his palms against the dresser and flexes his arms absently then looks at me again. “I’m going out now. Stay here and don’t answer the door.”

I nod slightly, lowering my eyes. I see his shoes moving across the floor as he walks out of the room, leaving me alone. I close my eyes and bite my bottom lip hard as I hear the front door opening, closing and then the sound of his bike starting up and pulling out of the driveway.

And then, he’s gone. And I realise I’ve never felt so alone in my life. And it hurts. It really, really hurts. Rolling onto my back on the bed, I grab a pillow, wrap my arms around it and, burying my face into its softness, allow myself to let go of my emotions and just cry.

Notes