Help Me

It’s barely fucking noon and traffic is already a bitch. I was trying so hard not to start raging, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take it. Doctor’s appointment? Oh, complete joy. He did nothing but flash his stupid degree around and feed Evelyn nothing but a bunch of bullshit. Bullshit, I tell you! And he gave me NOT ONE piece of advice, any tips, or even closure. Whereas Tiffani, the nurse who had scheduled the appointment, gave me a bunch of information and a shitload of pamphlets to take home and read. She even decided to come help me on her free time, which I tried to refuse, but she didn’t take no for an answer.
“Whether you say no or not, I will be there to help out. You need it…”
Eventually, I gave in. When you need help, you need help. And boy do I need it.

I looked into the rearview mirror at Evelyn, who stared blankly out of the window. Before all this craziness, she would usually be the one to sing loudly in the car, smile and be happy. Evelyn was always a happy baby. But because she didn’t fully understand what it was that was happening to her, the world was ruining her. She was smart, but too smart. She now knew things that no four year old should ever be exposed to, and because of it, she was like this. Blank emotion on her face, staring at whatever she could stare at, not even once thinking of something silly to say the way she usually did. I miss her so much. I can’t really say that I’ve been any better, and I’m pretty sure she misses me too. But all of that is about to change.

Last week, when Evelyn had first switched from radiation therapy to chemotherapy, my best friend Abigail called me saying she bought concert tickets as a pick-me-up for Evelyn. Along with a little surprise for us both, which was part of the reason we were not home yet at 12 thirty fuckin’ one in the afternoon. You see, Abby and I are HUGE Avenged Sevenfold fans, always have been. Haha! So when we first heard Evelyn say, “Play it again mommy,” after listening to the entire “City of Evil” album, we were super excited. Anyway, Abby and her long-time boyfriend, Josh, wanted to surprise us with something at her house, so when I called her at 7 a.m., she immediately decided that she was going over to “house sit”. Weird, because she is in no way, at all, a morning person.

I still have yet to tell Evelyn about the tickets, knowing that she’d be super excited about them. And hearing her getting fussy in the backseat of the car was really working to my advantage, especially since it was getting my mind off of this stupid traffic and replacing all aggressive emotion with excitement. We were supposed to meet Abby at Evelyn’s favorite Denny’s, and Evelyn has absolutely no idea what is going on. I looked up and started bouncing and squealing when I finally saw my exit. I threw on my blinker and started to turn my steering wheel, not giving two shits about the cars next to me.

I looked to the rear view mirror again to see Evelyn’s scrunched up face. I smiled at her and waved to the drivers next to me once I was given a chance to get through. With the same persistence, I was able to get over to the last lane before doing a no-no and getting through to the exit and off the highway.

“Where are we going, mama,” Evelyn’s irritation poured through her voice as she started to whine.
“A special place baby,” I said, trying to hide my excitement.
“I don’t wanna go there,” She said, her voice going into a high pitched squeak. “I wanna go home!”

I paid no mind to her whining and threw on the new self-titled Avenged Sevenfold album. Evelyn had yet to listen to it, so when it came to planning this little surprise out, I figured why not introduce her to this one?

I pulled out my phone and turned the self-facing camera on to record Evelyn’s reaction as the organs to “Critical Acclaim” blared through the speakers and I started to watch Evelyn’s face as she tried to figure out what I’d put on. Once the guitars flowed through, her face softened and she looked over to me quickly. I nodded at her, and she bounced as M. Shadow’s screams blasted through the speakers. Her mouth made a little ‘O’ shape when “motherfucker” came out, and she pointed to the speaker.
“Mama,” she screamed. “That was bad!”
I laughed and nodded at her. “Yeah, baby. That was bad.”
But even as she scolded me for ‘playing bad words on the radio’, she kept bouncing to the music. Her little head banging to beat of The Rev’s drums, she pumped her little fists, and mouthed the wrong lyrics to Shadow’s voice, she made her little ‘hardcore face’ when the guitar solo came on and started to air guitar. The best part? I recorded every second of it, and stopped when she said, “Play the next one! Play the next one!”

We were just about halfway through the entire cd when we arrived to our destination. I turned the radio down when I noticed that Evelyn had yet to realize where we were. She looked up at me, surprised that I had interrupted her “jam session”.
“Hey mama!” Evelyn looked out of the open window and squealed, throwing off the straps to her booster seat and reaching forward to eject the cd from the car stereo.

“Look, Auntie Abby,” Evelyn screamed, hanging out of the car window, waving the cd. “Look at what I have!”
“Oooooh,” Abby ran to the car. “What is it, baby?”
“It’s a cd…” she replied, her eyes filled with wonder.
I laughed as Abby pulled Evelyn through the car window. I rolled them all up and locked the doors after grabbing the cd case and handed it to Evelyn since I knew she was going to end up carrying it around with her.
“Omg, Evelyn,” Abby said. “That is sooo cool! I didn’t know Avenged had a new cd out!”
“Uh-huh! Mommy let me listen to it,” Evelyn said loudly, earning glares from the other customers. I didn’t give a shit though. My baby girl was happy. “Shadwers says bad words though.” Her face scrunched into a small pout that Abby and I couldn’t help but laugh at. It was too cute.
“Where’s Josh?” Abby usually never goes out without her boyfriend, so it was kind of unusual to see her without him.
Abby shrugged. “Work. He was called in again this morning. They’ve been doing that a lot lately, so he’s always fucking tired. Whatever though. I got the thingies from him, so we’re good.”
I nodded at her, “Okay, good”
“What thingies?” We couldn’t get anything passed Evelyn. She was always on her toes.
Abby’s eyes widened. “Oh nothing baby. Mommy and I were just-Oh hi there!”

Just as Evelyn caught us, a waitress called us for an available table. Perfect distraction.
Since we already knew what we wanted, we ordered and were waiting for our meals to get to us. Evelyn practically knew the menu from front to back, she loved this place, so we were here almost all the time. Abby was almost through with her third tea, and I kept giggling at her. Especially when Evelyn told her to slow down, “You’re gonna need to go pee a lot, Auntie,” she’d told her.

When the food got to us, Abby stopped Evelyn from eating:
“So, before you eat, I’ve got a surprise for you babe.”
“What is it, Auntie,” Evelyn asked, curiosity clear on her face.
“Well,” Abby said, taking a deep breath. “I figured, since we’re taking your hair off today, that we might as well give you something too. And since I know you really love A7X like me and your mommy do, I thought we should give you these…” Abby pulled out the tickets and backstage passes and handed them to Evelyn.
“W-what are they,” she stuttered, holding the tickets cautiously. The people at the tables next to us started to stare.
“They’re concert tickets, baby,” I said. My heart was pounding so hard. I had been waiting so long to see her reaction, and here it was.
“What,” Evelyn stood up on her chair. “What is that momma? What is it?”
“A big, big show, baby girl” I told her, trying to keep the tears from falling. My heart was soaring. This was too perfect! I hadn’t seen her this happy since her Hello Kitty bed came in, and that was before she was diagnosed with her cancer. “Auntie Abby and I are gonna take you to see Avenged Sevenfold. Your very first concert!”
Evelyn’s jaw dropped, and she jumped into my arms. “It’s gonna be fun mommy? The consort?!”
Abby wiped her face. “Yeah Evie,” she said, laughing through her tears. “It’s gonna be lots of fun. Now let’s eat so we can get home for the rest of your surprise.”
“Okay! Okay,” Evelyn said bouncing from me back to her chair, quickly digging shoving her grilled cheese into her mouth.
_____________________________________________________________________________


All the way home, Evelyn would not stop singing. Even if the words coming out of her mouth were the wrong ones, it was so cute. I couldn’t stop smiling at my baby girl. I was probably just as excited as she was, since I had no idea what the rest of the surprise was. Damn you, Abby, and your sneakiness!

“We’re here,” Evelyn sang, once again swinging her seat belts off, and jumping out of the car.

I ran after her to the front door, and swung the door open.
“Okay, wait here,” Abby squealed. “I’ll be right back!”
Evie sat on my lap playing with my fingers as we waited patiently for Abby to come back downstairs.
“Aunt Abby,” Evelyn yelled. I started laughing hysterically when I heard Abby stumble down the stairs.
“OH I’M COMING,” She yelled back, lugging a big black tote bag, covered in daisies.
“Ooooooo! What’s that?!” Evelyn jumped off my lap, moving quicker than she had in days.
“Open it and see, silly girl,” Abby said.

Just as the words came out of Abby’s mouth, Evelyn tore through the bag.
“Look momma! I think these are for you,” Evelyn said, holding a pair of leggings in one and a shirt in the other.
“Oh, Abby,” I said, turning to my friend. “Really?”
“You’ve only been swooning over them on that fucking website for the longest time,” Abby laughed. “How could I not get them for you?”
I rolled my eyes and took the clothes from Evelyn. A sleeveless, flowing black shirt with a Day of the Dead skull on the front. The leggings were a kind of rockstar type of style, with a leather waist band, and zippers on the sides for decoration. I hugged Abby and thanked her, then went back to watching Evelyn.

Among her gifts were red, glittery flats, “like the ones from the Wizard of Oz” as Evelyn said, three pairs of leggings in green, red, and black, toddler sized band tees, one Avenged (of course), one Jimi Hendrix shirt, and one white sleeveless Metallica shirt. Once Evelyn got through with squealing over those shirts, she looked to the bottom of the bag and was confused.
“What’s wrong baby,” Abby asked, concerned.
“What’s these,” she asked, pulling out two things at once. In one hand, she held a black cap with a death bat in front and her name in back and a few head wraps that she’d be able to wear when we shaved her head, and in the other she held backstage passes for the concert we were going to.

After explaining what everything was, Evelyn grew silent and had that same blank expression on her face. I tried not to look so disappointed, while Abby looked like she was about to burst.
“I’m gonna have to cover my head,” Evelyn asked.
I nodded at her. “Only if you want to baby. That’s why Auntie Abby bought you the pretty bandanas.”
Evelyn nodded back, “And I get to meet my band?”
“Yes baby,” Abby said quickly. “Yes! You get to meet them!”
My heart stopped when Evelyn smiled again. “Soooooo, can I wear my new hat when I meet them?”

Notes

Aw, Evelyn is just too cute, huh?:)