Everything will be Alright

Johnny sat on the bottom step of the porch, staring blankly out at the ocean, twirling a drumstick between his fingers. His fingers fumbled on the dented wood and the drumstick clattered to the step, rolling down to rest in the grass. “Fuck.” he muttered, blinking back tears and scrubbing a hand over his eyes as he leaned down to pick the drumstick back up. He didn't want to cry anymore, he'd cried enough over the past few days, he was surprised he had anything left in him still.

“Goddamn you Jimmy.” he mumbled, glancing down at the stick in his hand, his fingers tightening around it. It had been in Jimmy's back pocket, as usual. His lucky sticks, ones he'd had for years. The other was still in the house, probably up in the bedroom where Johnny had been earlier, before the emptiness and the quiet got to him and he had escaped outside.

“I can barely stay in our goddamn house because of you, you fucking asshole.” he said with a sigh, slumping over and hiding his face in his hands, sniffling a little as he squeezed his eyes shut, biting down on his his lip to keep himself quiet as he cried, not wanting Matt or Brian to hear him and coming looking.

Matt, Brian and Zack had been making rounds at the house all week, not wanting Johnny to stay by himself. They had tried to get him to come stay with one of them, unsure it was a good idea for Johnny to stay in the same house Jimmy had died in. But Johnny had refused. This was their house, they had lived here for three years and he'd be damned if he left because Jimmy decided to mix his meds with a little too much alcohol.

He'd had to fight with the hospital over that. The coroner had wanted to rule it a suicide, but there was nothing suicidal about Jimmy. Johnny had torn into the man when he'd found out, and it had taken Brian to hold him back from punching the man. He'd eventually calmed down enough to explain that no, Jimmy hadn't been suicidal, he'd always drank with his medication, that was nothing new. Not that the ruling of accidental overdose made Johnny feel any better.

“Goddamn you!” Johnny gasped, standing up and hurling the stick towards the beach, falling back down to the step, not bothering to muffle his crying this time.

“Johnny?”

Johnny didn't look up when he heard Brian's voice, hoarse from his own crying, but leaned against him when Brian sat down next to him, wrapping his arms around Johnny and pulling him against his chest. He didn't say anything, Brian knew nothing he could say would make Johnny feel any better.

“Why'd he have to be an idiot?” Johnny asked quietly, his face buried in Brian's chest, “He knew better Brian, he did.”

Brian sighed and looked down at Johnny, rubbing a hand over his back “He did it because he could and that's why Jimmy did half the shit he did. We all know that.” he murmured.

Johnny nodded a little and sniffled, gripping Brian's shirt tightly “I tried to bring him back, I really did.” he mumbled, looking up at Brian for a moment before glancing away. The memory of walking into the house and seeing Jimmy on the floor would never fade, he'd never be able to forget that.

“I believe you Johnny, I do.” Brian said, hugging him tightly “There was nothing you could do, please don't blame yourself.' he tried.

Johnny shook his head “No, I didn't have to go out, I could have stayed home. If I'd have stayed I could have stopped him from drinking or I could have called an ambulance. He'd still be alive.”
Brian sighed and tilted Johnny's head up until he was looking at him “You don't know that

Johnny, you can't. Don't blame yourself for something that might have been unavoidable.” Johnny frowned up at Brian “You...you guys don't blame me?” he asked.

Raising a brow in disbelief, Brian shook his head “Of course we don't blame you Johnny. It's wasn't your fault. You had no idea what would happen. And Jimmy was an adult, he knew the risk he was taking by doing that shit. If I was going to blame someone I'd blame him.”

Johnny nodded silently and rubbed a hand over his face “Oh...” he trailed off, chewing on his lip “I thought you guys did blame me.” he mumbled.

Brian gave him a small smile and stood up, walking through the yard and picking the drumstick up, handing to Johnny before pulling him to his feet and into a tight hug. “No, we never have and never will.” he said again, stepping back a little and looking down at him “Will you come inside, Matt and Zack are worried sick, I had to practically sit on Matt to keep him from coming out here. I figured you wanted some alone time.”

Johnny nodded and gave Brian a weak smile “Thanks Bri, I appreciate it.” he said, running a hand through his hair and wrapping his arms around Brian one more time, hugging him tightly.
Brian ruffled Johnny's hair and hugged him back, keeping his arm around his shoulders as he pulled him to he house “Come on, let Matt mother you a little. Everything will be alright.”

Johnny huffed a little and leaned against Brian's side, following him into the house, holding the drumstick against his chest. He smiled a little when he saw Matt and Zack on the couch and stepped away from Brian to go sit between them, rolling his eyes when Matt wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him against his side.

“Don't smother the man Matt.” Brian chuckled, flopping down on the love seat and stretching out with a yawn.

“I'm not.” Matt grumbled, flipping Brian off quickly.

Johnny laughed quietly and yawned, pushing at Matt's side till he shifted a little. Johnny curled up on the couch, resting his head on Matt's leg and closing his eyes, sighing a little when he felt Matt's hand in his hair.

He didn't feel alone anymore. He could feel Zack at the other end of the couch, his fingers tapping against Johnny's ankle, Matt was gently carding his fingers through his hair and if he opened his eyes he'd see Brian, stretched out on the smaller couch.

Jimmy was still dead and he was never coming back, and Johnny knew that later, once he kicked the others out and went up to their empty bedroom he'd be right back where he was before. But right now...right now he was okay. Right now he knew what Brian had said was true.

Everything would be alright.

Notes