Ghouls

I sat in the hotel room quiet. It was dark; the curtains were drawn, the lights were off. It was still. I half expected myself to be crying hysterically but... nothing. If anything, I was angry, but I didn’t show it. I sat in silence on the edge of the bed, replaying the last few months in my head. Living with Cam, Zacky, Brian, the nightmares, touring, jealousy, arguments.

I was pulled from daydreaming by a light knocking on the door. Slowly, the door was pushed, a fair hand wrapping around the frame as a warm face poked through. Jade.

“Heey... you okay?” she smiled sympathetically.

For a moment, I forgot how to speak. I’d barely registered she’d spoken.

“Lau?” she asked, worried.

“Yeah,” I fell out of my daze, “yeah, I’m fine.. just pissed I let it go so far,” I smiled, trying to convince her I was okay.

“Aaw,” she smiled and rubbed my back as she sat down on the bed next to me.

There was a silence for a bit... comfortable, though. I simply sat with my head on Jade’s shoulder as she rubbed my back to comfort me and, for the most part, it was working.

“All the guys are gone, by the way... how about you come out with us girls and catch a film and lunch, take your mind off things? I’m paying..” she offered.

“Well, in that case,” I hopped off the bed quickly, grabbing whatever I needed and exiting the hotel room, “are you coming or not?”

It took her a while to catch up but as soon as she did she hooked her arm in mine and strode down the corridor, “I love it when you’re like this; I don’t see it often,” Jade smiled, hugging my arm.

“Like what?” I quizzed, pressing the button to the lift.

“Confident,” she smirked, following me into the elevator and pressing the button down.

My heart sank a little bit, although I wouldn’t show it; I knew I wasn’t confident. I had nothing to be confident about.

“I don’t get it though.. you just had a massive blowout with Cam and usually you two are sobbing wrecks after an argument,” she said rather matter-of-factly.

“Well, usually, I feel bad about snapping at him. This time, he deserved it,” I told her. It was true, really, though it felt wrong leaving my lips.

“Hmmm,” Jade hummed, looking at me disapprovingly, as if she didn’t believe me, before she stepped out of the elevator, smiled and ran towards the group of cheering girls in the middle of the lobby.

“Yaay! You did it!” Georgie squealed, wrapping her long arms around Jade and myself.

“Did what?” I asked.

“Nobody really believed we’d be able to persuade you out of your room but Jade did it,” Caitlyn grinned widely, unaware of the sting that caused. Was I really that difficult?

“Well, we better get going or we’re gonna miss the film,” Lacey begged, starting her walk towards the doors, everyone in tow.

“How are we supposed to get there? Our chauffeur is with the guys..” Georgie complained, scouring the streets.

“We can just get a cab,” Jade suggested.

Georgie groaned, “fine... bagsy not paying,” this made everyone chuckle just a bit.

All of a sudden, Lacey whistled, calling over a taxi. As we all climbed in the driver asked, “so, where are all you lovely ladies off to?”
“The closest cinema you can find,” Caitlyn called.

“Righteo,” the driver murmured as he pulled away from the curb.

The ride was pretty darn loud; all the other girls were chatting away like everything was fine which I suppose, in their world, it was. Don’t get me wrong, I was enjoying the conversation, I just wasn’t part of it. I’d always been a bit of an outsider. An onlooker. I preferred to watch conversations than be included in them.

Before long, the car jolted to a stop outside the cinema. We all climbed out of the cab, Jade payed him, and shuffled inside.

“So, what do we see?” Lacey asked no one in particular, looking around at all the various movie posters.

“Hot Fuzz. I don’t know much about it but it looks like the guys that did Shaun of the Dead and that was fucking amazing,” Caitlyn said, completely transfixed by the cardboard cut out of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in police uniform.

I smiled, “yeah, it is, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. It looks like a good film; it’s filmed not too far from where I’m from,” I grinned as Caitlyn spun around, memorised.

“No. Way. They filmed it near you?” she asked, wide-eyed.

“Yeah, maybe, half hour away,” I grinned back, astonished by her fascination.

“Oh my GOD WE HAVE TO SEE IT,” she screamed, making everyone laugh and look at us.

And with that, our tickets were in hand, popcorn and drinks bought and under our arms as we made our way into the theatre.

The film ended and I swear, I had never laughed so hard. The film was fantastic. I genuinely forgot all of my troubles. Although, it was just a little bittersweet; the west-country accent reminded me of home. But despite all that, it was the best comedy film I’d seen.
We exited the cinema and got another taxi, all talking excitedly about the movie.

“So, what now?” I asked, waiting for a ride.

“BAR!” Georgie screamed next to me, making us all laugh.

“I think she means lunch,” Lacey smiled.

“I don’t care, as long as there is alcohol,” Georgie retorted, and I agreed.

Quickly, we found a taxi and went to a local restaurant. We got in, got a table and went straight to drinks. I still wasn’t quite used to the American drinks so stuck with what I knew best; cider.

After a good amount of alcohol and food, Caitlyn asked, “so, you, what are you gonna do?” It looked like Lacey kicked her under the table, probably thinking I wouldn’t want to answer, but I was okay; I’d had a fair few drinks.

“I honestly don’t know. I like Brian... alot.. and I can’t not love Cam; he’s the only family I’ve got left... I just don’t know what to make of it all, really..” I spoke honestly, rolling my glass along the table between my fingertips.

“I must admit, I wouldn’t know what to do if I were you..” Lacey said softly, giving me a sympathetic smile.

“I just don’t get it.. Brian was so fucking excited about you coming on tour. He wouldn’t shut up about you! Constantly trying to spring a conversation about you. You’d think he was obsessed,” we chuckled, “I just... I don’t get why he’d just throw it away like that... if he was so excited to see you, why did he pick up the blonde? He knew when you were arriving.. we all thought he’d be sat at the hotel door waiting for you look a lost puppy but... seriously, he’s made me so angry, never mind how you feel...” Georgie told us.

Something about what she said hit me like a concrete slab, causing sick to rise in my throat. She was right. If he was excited as he made it seem, why get off with another girl? Fair enough, he was drunk, but however wasted you may be, you’d notice. The ditsy shit looked nothing like me. Did he really think she was me? I really hope he didn’t think I was gonna buy that kind of excuse.

“You alright?” Lacey asked, rubbing my arm, looking at me concerned.

“Yeah, yeah, just don’t feel too good all of a sudden..” I told her.

She huffed, “I told them not to bring Brian up...”

“No, it’s alright, I don’t mind I just don’t feel well,” I convinced her.

“Okay.. do you want me to go back to the hotel with you?”

“No, I’ll be alright... I’ll see you girls later,” I smiled.

“Wait, where you going?” Jade spoke, turning away from her conversation with Georgie and Caitlyn.

“Back to the hotel.. I think I’ve just eaten too much,” I said, rubbing my stomach.

“Alright, well, here’s the key,” she said, rummaging in her back before finding the card and tossing it to me.

With that, I got a cab and headed back. As the cab pulled up to the curb, I quickly noticed the second to last person I wanted to speak to (the first being Cameron.) He looked so relaxed. A mess, but relaxed. His hair was every which way, his eyes were sunken and sad, his poster slouched against the wall beside the hotel doors, a cigarette reaching his thin lips every few moments.

“Talk to him,” the driver spoke, making me twist to look at him.

“I can’t,” I shook my head.

“Sure, you can.. he’s right there,” he smiled lightly. I handed him his money and smiled back before getting out of the car. “Good luck!”
The shouting caught his attention. His head darted up. Looking straight at me. Everything paused. I couldn’t breathe, the moment was so intense. His eyes were no longer sad, but a mix of shock and hope. He felt the same way I did. Shocked we were even looking at each other.

I swallowed my fear as I sped to get to the door, trying to get through before he got to me. He saw what I was trying, stomped out his cigarette and headed for me. As my hand his the door, his caught my arm. I gasped. A spark shot over my skin making me warm. Jesus, I missed his touch.

“Lau...” he whispered, his face barely inches from mine. Fuck, I wanted to kiss him. More than I ever had before, but it wasn’t right. We needed to talk. We needed to clear everything before I let him in again.

“I’m sorry, B... I can’t.. not now..” I told him, refusing to look into his eyes, although I could feel his upset. I watched him as he limply let go of my arm to let me through the door.

I felt awful; I still liked him. I hated leaving him like that. All I wanted to do since the day he left was to hold him and cuddle him and kiss him. The ache hadn’t left. It killed to know he was holding her, cuddling her, probably kissing her. Another girl. How many more could there have been if I hadn’t turned up? What if there were more before the blonde? I tried to shake of the thought as best I could. I didn’t want to think of him like that. I really...really...wanted him to be different.

I managed to get upstairs and to the end of the corridor before I stopped in my tracks again. Sighing, I thought, could this day really get any worse?

Slumped against the hotel room door was a long, built, dark haired man. Cameron. I made my way over slowly; this was the last conversation I wanted to have today.

“Hey...Sorry, I forgot my key...” he barely whispered, looking up at me. His eyes were red and swollen from what could only be from crying. His face seemed to shimmer from the wet tears still on his cheeks. All anger I previously held for him disappeared as I looked back at him. Despite how much I could hate him, he was still all I had. My terror twin, in ways.

“Alright...” I told him, opening the door as he stood up.

There was a silence that was much too long. We both just stood in the room, hands in pockets, refusing to look at each other.

“Sooo.... how was your day?” Cam started after a good, awkward, 10 minutes.

I couldn’t bear to answer him, not really. After a moment, I looked at him, tears meeting mine as his continued to fall. “I’m so sorry, Cam..” I croaked.

With that, Cam’s arms were immediately around my neck while mine cling to his back. “You don’t have be, Lau... I do,” he said into my neck.

I shook my head ‘no’. As I was about to retaliate, Cam’s hand found my head and began to stroke my hair, calming me down. We held each other that way for what seemed like forever, eventually sitting down on the bed, my head on his chest.

Out of the silence, Cam asked, “do you still like him?” I could tell it made his blood boil just asking. His muscles flexed and he gulped.

“Honestly?... I don’t know.” His body relaxed underneath me, “I thought I did, part of my still does.. I’m just so confused and lost in it all, I don’t know anymore...” I admitted, cuddling into him further as his arms wrapped tighter around my body.

After another silence, he asked, “what do you want to do?”

“Again... I don’t know. Part of me wants to be with him every second of every day... the other doesn’t want to see him again...”

Cam sighed, “well, you can stick with me for show days; help me out with roadie-ing and pyro and stuff, then stick with Jade on off days.. that is if you don’t work out what you want to do..” he offered, holding me tighter again.

“Thank you... I’m sorry... I love you..” I told him, tears softly falling from my eyes, down my cheek, into his shirt.

“It’s alright, Lau; I’m sorry two... I love you, Bro...” he kissed my head and held me even tighter, making me smile, before we both fell softly to sleep.

Notes