The World I Know

I was the most comfortable I’d ever been in my entire life. The sun streamed in through the open window, slipping between the crack in the curtains and falling across my bare back. My pillow was warm and there was a comforting weight across my back and shoulders. Sure, my head was kind of sore, but I was so comfy...

Then the weight on my shoulder tightened, something that didn’t seem right. My eyes fluttered open, squinting against the early-morning light. Once they had become focused, they took in several things simultaneously – firstly, that my pillow was not, in fact, a pillow but another person. Second, that person was naked – thankfully, the thin sheet was draped around his hips, hiding what otherwise would have mortified me. And, finally, they took in the numbers glaring at me from the face of the digital clock on the nightstand.

“Crap,” I muttered, lifting my hand from my bedmate’s stomach so I could push some hair from my face. As I carefully eased myself into a sitting position, crossing one arm across my bare chest, his hand fell from around my shoulders. Miraculously, he kept right on sleeping as I slipped from the bed and gathered up my clothes. Once I was dressed, I crept over to the door but paused to look back at him. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, his black hair flopping limply in his face, his tattooed fingers hanging off the side of the bed. A warm feeling blossomed in my chest and, for one fleeting moment, I considered crawling back into his arms.

Then sanity took hold and quickly stepped from the room.

The courtyard was abandoned, empty bottles littering the ground and floating in the pool. I hurried across the concrete, my bare feet burning, and gratefully ducked into the shade of the sitting room. My backpack was right where I’d left it by the couch, knocked over and its contents spilt out onto the floor. I hastily swept my belongs back inside and straightened up.

Someone cleared their throat behind me and I spun around. Val was sitting at the table, watching me with a blank expression on her face.

“Oh...” I said, not really sure what to say. What could I say? She had to know, after all. “Hi.”

“Good morning,” she said, lifting her coffee cup slowly. Her eyes never left me as she took a slow sip. “Did you sleep well?”

“Um...not particularly.”

“Me, either. But probably not for the same reason. How’s your head?”

“Fine.”

Val studied me for another moment before kicking out the chair across from her. “Sit,” she commanded. I hesitantly crossed the room, taking a seat and scooting the chair up to the table’s edge. There was silence as Val continued to look at me, her eyes roving over my face searchingly. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, I turned my head down, allowing my hair to hide my face from her gaze. Tears started to sting in the corners of my eyes and I said softly, “I need to leave before he wakes up. I... I just can’t face him. I still can’t believe I—“

“Stop,” said Val, holding her hands up. I looked up quickly, taking in her expression – stern but understanding. “Look, just stop. You made a mistake. A stupid mistake, which we all make. Believe me. I don’t have enough fingers to count the times I’ve fucked up. But you need to own up to it. Tears never solved anything. You gotta think logically.”

“Logically,” I repeated. “Okay. I...I got drunk. And I...I had sex.”

“Were you an active participant?”

“I...yes.”

“Do you feel he took advantage of you?”

“No.”

“Did you use protection?”

My face went pale. Did we use protection? It was all such a blur. As hard as I tried to recall, I couldn’t remember any part of the night involving a condom. Meaning... “I don’t think so.”

Val’s eyes widened and she looked out toward the courtyard. “Yikes. Okay, so, that means the first thing to do is take a morning-after pill.”

“Morning-after pill?”

“Yeah. It flushed out your uterus. Prevents pregnancy. Michelle might have some, if you’re okay with taking one.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well...” Val’s gaze shifted away and she took a deep breath before saying, “I mean, some people just don’t agree with it. Ethically.”

“Ethically? Is it...” I trailed off, slowly processing what she meant. If it flushed everything out, that meant if a baby had been made that the morning-after pill essentially aborted it. Did that mean I was killing a baby? My baby? “Oh.”

“But, seriously, Harmony, it’s not a big deal. People take them all the time. No one would judge you or—“

There was a noise outside and we both looked up. Matt had just emerged from the main part of the house, wearing only his jeans. He cursed as he stepped into the already-hot concrete, hopping from foot to foot as he crossed into the shade of the sitting room. Val, shaking her head, got up and disappeared down the hall.

“Coffee,” Matt moaned, stumbling into the kitchen. His brown hair was ruffled and sticking up all over the place – if I hadn’t been in the middle of a near-panic, I would have laughed. It was almost pitiful, the way he bumped around the kitchen in an attempt to find a cup and fill it. Once he’d actually managed to fill a cup and bring it to his lips, he let out a moan of pure ecstasy that actually made me blush a little.

He collapsed into Val’s abandoned seat and dropped his head onto the table. “Wow, what a party. I seriously got fucked up.” Matt looked up to grin at me, but his smile flicked and fell as he caught sight of my expression. “Hey, what’s up?”

“What?” I asked, trying to play dumb. I quickly reached up to roughly rub my eyes. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Harmony...” said Matt slowly, sitting up in his seat. His eyes began to roam from my face and I reached up to pat down my hair. God only knew what state it was in. By Matt’s expression, I guessed it wasn’t good. “Where did you disappear to last night?”

“Well, um... I...” The tears I’d managed to hold back earlier came flooding back. I looked up to the ceiling, trying to blink them away and failing miserably. “I-I just... I j-just did someth-thing so st-stupid. I c-can’t even—“

“Aw, jeez,” said Matt, running his hands over his face. Then, before I quite realized what he was doing, he slid his chair up next to mine and pulled me against his chest. Startled, I fought against him for a few seconds. Then, realizing that I was fighting a losing battle, I let myself go limp in his arms. The tears were flowing freely now and I pressed my face into the crook of Matt’s neck to muffle my choking sobs. My hands balled into fists against his bare back – I was afraid that holding onto him would pull my thoughts back to the night before.

“Harm, it’s really not a big deal,” said Matt gently. “We were all drinking. We’ve all done it.”

“You d-don’t understand. I-I never...I was...”

“You were...?” I felt Matt’s muscles tighten and heard him exhale sharply. “Oh. You were a—“

“Yeah.”

“Wow. I mean, I guess that makes sense. Where else...I mean, who else would you have... Wow.” Matt’s hand came up to the side of my head, gently stroking my hair. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No. Not yet. I’ll...I need some time to...y’know, process.”

“Right. Sure.” He was quiet again and I wondered if he was going to ask me who it was. But he didn’t. Instead, after a minute, he asked, “Do you need me to drive you home?”

“Not home. But could you drive me to my friends’ house?”

“Sure. Just let me put on a shirt and we’ll go.”

“Thanks,” I said gratefully. I shivered as Matt stood up, feeling cold where his skin had been touching mine. As he went to get fully dressed, I pulled my backpack onto my shoulders and sat down to put on my shoes. Matt reappeared a minute later, wearing his shirt from last night and now sporting a pair of dark sunglasses.

I followed him back out to his car, willingly climbing into the front seat this time. We were pretty much silent on the drive – I spoke up only to give him directions. By the time we arrived, I had gotten some semblance of control over my tear ducts and managed a weak smile as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“Thanks for the ride. Um...it was a fun party.”

He laughed and shook his head. “That’s one way to describe it. I can’t imagine it was exactly great for you...near the end.”

“I’m not really sure what you’re implying,” I said, looking down at my knees.

“I’m, uh. I need to know that he...whoever it was...was he alright to you?”

“Are you asking me if he was...good?”

“No, I mean...did he do right by you?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I didn’t exactly push him away or anything.”

Matt looked down at the steering wheel, his hands seeming to tighten around it. “That’s not... I just think your first time should have been more...”

“Oh. I know what you mean. But I think I surrendered that right when I got so drunk that I—“

“Whoa, Harmony,” Matt cut me off, reaching out and grabbing my leg. The motion made me jump, but he still held on, speaking urgently as he said, “Listen to me. You are not a bad person. Never think that.”

Looking out the window, I said hesitantly, “I mean, I’m trying not to think that, but—“

“No. No ‘but’s. You are good, okay?”

“Okay,” I said softly. My eyes drifted to the house in front of us. I could just make out a bit of movement behind the front curtains. “I should probably go in. I think she’s already spying on us.”

“Right. Well...I’m glad you came to the party. Y’know, before everything. I put my number in your bag. Front pocket.”

“Thanks. I had fun with you guys,” I answered truthfully. And, really, I had enjoyed every part of the night. It was just the morning, when reality had set in, that things had started to go south. My brain kept jumping back to the man I’d left back at Michelle’s house, sleeping so peacefully, completely unaware that I’d slipped away. What would he do when he saw what I’d done? How would he react? He’d probably be mad, but I was too freaked out to face him at this point.

So, squaring my shoulders, I stepped out of the car. I didn’t look back as I marched up the path that led to the large, European-style house. The door was open before I could reach it, and a hand with black-painted fingernails reached out to pull me inside. I barely caught a glimpse of Matt waving from his car before the door snapped shut behind me.

Spinning around, I found myself face-to-face with a tall girl with pale skin and bright red hair. She was garbed in green, red, and white plaid pants, a white t-shirt with roses and a Gucci logo on the front, and a pair of black boots I recognized from last months’ Dulci&Gabbana catalogue. Her fingers were adorned with several bulky, black rings that vanished from my view as she crossed her arms and fixed me with a knowing look.

“Your mom called last night,” she said simply.

“Oh, yeah?”

“She wanted to know how our project went. And whether you’d practiced yet.”

“And what did you tell her?”

Her stern smile wavered and then she said, “I said it went great. And that you were going to do it in the morning, so my dad could give you some tips.”

“Thank you, Mercy.”

“You’re welcome. But, girl...” She looked me up and down, from my messy hair to my wrinkled clothes. “...you’ve got some serious explaining to do.”

Notes