Almost Easy

Chapter Ninety-Four:

I felt the bed dip, next to me. My eyes popped open and I tried to move away. I clutched my pillow and looked around for a better weapon.

“Ace,” someone whispered. I tried to place the voice, until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I tried to shrug it off and started to panic. “Ace! It’s me! Calm down! I’m not going to hurt you!” Brian pleaded.

After a few seconds, his words registered with me. I gave him a curt nod, but couldn’t relax my muscles. I’m still in fight or flight mode. It’s hard to turn off, these days. It’s supposed to be one of the side effects of have PTSD. I don’t care what they call it – it’s not getting any easier to deal with.

“Hey, are you with me?” Brian asked me, softly. I looked at him and willed myself to actually focus on him.

“I’m here.” I answered him, unable to raise my voice any louder than a whisper.

“Are you okay?” He pressed, scooting closer to me. I bit my lip and stared at my lap. It’s a loaded question and I don’t know how to answer it. I’m not dying – so, health-wise I’m okay. Other than that, I can’t remember the last time that I was honestly okay. It’s been so long.

“I wanna be.” I answered, settling for the truth that I was ready to say. He nodded, but didn’t push it.

“I’m here for you, Ace. I’m not gonna bail, because things get rough… or are still rough. I meant it when I told you that I was all in. I am all in. You’re my world, Ace. It doesn’t turn, without you in it. If you need time, before you can be okay again, that’s fine. I get it. I won’t rush you or belittle you for it. I don’t want you to feel pressured, because of me. I love you, and I’m not just talking about easy parts of you. When I tell you that I love you, I mean it. I do. I love parts that you aren’t ready to show the world. I love your scars. I love that you still put on a brave face, even though I know that you still have nightmares, every night. As far as I’m concerned, you might be a little run down, but you’re still just as beautiful as the day I met you.” He confessed.

I hiccupped and didn’t even bother to mop my face. Tears were pouring freely, flooding down my face. I leaned into him and clutched his shirt. He held me as sobs shook my body.

“I don’t know how you do it… You always know exactly what to say… I… Brian…” I struggled to get my thoughts out. There are so many of them swarming around in my mind, but I can find the right words to say. He deserves everything – everything. He deserves so much better than me. I’ve never had a man treat me the way he does – with such respect. It’s unnerving.

“Take your time.” He breathed, as he rubbed soothing circles on my back. I nodded, meekly and took a deep, shaky breath.

“I love you, so much. I just… I don’t feel like I deserve you. I don’t want to be that person that holds you back. You deserve someone who can give you everything. You deserve the fucking world, Bri. What can I give you? Because I know it’s not that. I don’t want to do this – be in this relationship – and have you resent me for it, later. I couldn’t take it. I don’t know what I would do if you hated me. I… You have such an amazing heart and I don’t want to ruin that. You don’t want me. You don’t want some broken girl.” My voice cracked and trailed off. It felt like cotton was multiplying in my throat. My heart was breaking as I admitted what I’ve been too afraid to say. He does deserve better and I know it’s not me.

“Is that really what you think?” He asked me, gingerly. I nodded, unable to bring myself to meet his eyes. “I don’t want you to think that or to feel that way. That’s not true, at all. I don’t resent you. I could never resent you. What you did… What you’ve been through… What you’ve survived… That doesn’t make you broken, Ace. You’re a fucking survivor. I am so proud of you. That’s never going to change. It’s not possible. I know that you don’t believe it – believe me – but you will. It’s going to take time. I don’t care how long it takes. I’m going to show you. You don’t hold me back, Lydia. You make me better man.” He vowed.

My breath caught and I was mesmerized by the sincerity in his eyes. He pulled on the sleeve of his hoodie and held it in his hand. He dried my face and touched his forehead to mine. I could feel his breath tickling nose. He inched closer, until his lips were hovering over mine. He seemed to be waiting for permission, so I nodded and pressed myself against him.

Our lips touched and it was electric. He snaked an arm behind me and held me closer to him. He kept his hand on the small of back and didn’t make any attempt to move it lower. His body language just reaffirmed what he already told me. I feel safe with him. He doesn’t make me feel worse or judged. All of the feelings I have for him come rushing back, every time we touch.

We stayed that way, for what felt like hours. Somewhere along the way, our bodies became entangled and we were both horizontal. I felt his boner straining against his pants. I moved my mouth from his and froze. It took him a second, for him to realize why. He cupped my face and forced me to look up at him.

“Ace, hey,” he breathed, still panting from our make-out session. “It doesn’t mean anything. I meant what I said. I’m not going to push you or rush you to anything you’re not ready for. I’m okay with waiting.” He assured me. I looked at him, skeptically. “You’re gorgeous. I don’t know a man that could make-out with you and not get hard. But, that doesn’t mean that anything is going to happen here.” I nodded and wished that I didn’t feel this way. I don’t know how someone could warp my view on everything, so much. It’s reflex to think that someone is going to force themselves on me, no matter the situation, now.

“I…” I started to say something and stopped. How do I even say something like that?

“You don’t have to say anything, Ace. I’m never going to be that guy. You control how fast or slow things go between us, not the other way around. That won’t change until you tell me you’re ready. I’m not in any hurry. There’s no rush. I’ll still be here when you’re ready to take things to the next level, again. Okay?”

“Okay,” I breathed. “Thank you.” I whispered. He smirked.

“Anything for a pretty face,” he grinned. I melted against him and listened to his heartbeat. Flashbacks of the first time we met flickered through my mind.

“I’m so glad I met you, Brian Haner.” I told him. He bent down and kissed my temple. I didn’t have to see him to know that he was smiling.

“Can you reach into my right pocket? There’s something I want to show you.” He asked me. I nodded and slipped my hand into his jeans. I felt something cold and metallic. My eyes widened and I looked up at him. He kept his poker face and gestured for me to pull it out. I glanced down at the object in my hand. My breath hitched when my eyes landed on the ring.

“Brian…”

“Ace, it’s not what you think it is.” He interrupted me. I moved my attention from the ring to his face.

“I’m not sure what to think.” I admitted.

“I want you to know that I meant every word that I told you. This ring, it’s not an engagement ring. I’m not asking you to marry me. I mean, maybe someday, but not today.” He told me. My eyebrows rose.

“Then, what is this?” I asked him, softly. He captured my hand in his and held it gingerly, before taking the ring.

“This is a promise, Ace. This is a promise that I’m serious about us. I’m serious about our future. I’m serious about us. It’s a promise that I’m never gonna walk away from this – from you.” He explained, gently. He touched his forehead to mine and we brushed noses. He kissed me, tenderly. I pulled away and looked at the amazing man in front of me.

“You’re giving me a promise ring?” I echoed. He nodded, still holding me. A smile split across my face.

“What do you say, Ace?” He asked me, sounding nervous for the first time tonight.

“I promise never to take it off.”

Notes

Alright everyone, I am SO sorry that it's taken me this long to get you all a new chapter. Things have been crazy here. Eek. Anyways, the was the last actual chapter. The epilogue will be posted by the beginning of next week, but I'm hoping for this weekend. :)

Review? Interpretive dancing? Eskimos? (I don't even know. I'm severely sleep deprived.)

Lots of love,
Katie